I live in a great house with great people in the beautiful city of Santa Cruz. Classes just started, and they're great so far. I somehow have a really cute girlfriend named Xochitl. Things seem to be working out.
I'm in love with music right now. I need to be an ethnomusicologist. I'm having doubts about my major. I'm moving to Santa Cruz in five days. I'm going to miss everybody so much.
I just had a brief, stoned daydream wherein I found myself with a stub for one leg (originating from a hypochondriac concern about an aching lower leg.) In my daydream life, I was able to get an awesome prosthetic that allowed me to bicycle. If you have one leg, biking must be the easiest way of getting around.
I've been spending large amounts of my days the past week daydreaming about a hypothetical future in which I have a different body. I envision a skinny version of myself, exuding cool confidence, getting compliments from cute girls to whom I deliver pizza. This happens every time I go on a diet. I actively seek this kind of wishful thinking daily, as if for some sort of strength. I am a weak person in most regards, but I am especially weak in the face of food. I miss it so badly. Almost like a lover.
I've also been missing lovers I've never had.
That one's harder to explain.
New Life, Phase One started last Monday with the start of school. I'm taking six classes - Science Fiction Literature, The Short Story, Linguistic Anthropology, Mass Communication, Art in Modern Life, and Indian (as in India) Art. I love my classes, and feel a rejuvenation in spirit, in that I'm actually enjoying the gaining of knowledge in a school environment, and humbly appreciating the exercise of my poorly abused brain.
During each class I daydream about acing the midterms, excelling in the dreaded group projects, and taking superb notes throughout. When I bike home, I daydream about women I'll some day kiss, and through daydream attempt to realize the absurd notion that some day, someone might possibly fall in love with me. This feels like a foreign impossibility, like a reconstructed history, like Hitler never died.
I daydream about going up to a pretty stranger on the street and telling her I think she's beautiful. I wish I had the courage to actually say something meaningful and truthful. In the daydream, she looks down and says thank you, almost like a reflex. In reality, I don't know.
I've been thinking a lot about the godlessness of our universe, of the infinite nature of the past (how can there be a beginning of time? It's infinitely regressing.) I haven't thought about anything this huge in months, and it taints everything I think about. But I'm becoming more and more convinced every day that 1) god doesn't evist, in any form 2) belief in an intervening god is incredibly ridiculous 3) godlessness doesn't mean less meaning in life - it means more.
My memory is slowly decaying. I don't remember anything I learn. I learn incredible things every day and then never think back to them, never use them beyond the initial moment. I need to stop smoking so much.
I don't even put out romantic vibes out to anyone anymore. I haven't in at least a year, even when I'm interested...especially when I'm interested. I don't even think on that level, really; I just assume rejection and disinterest in every girl/woman I meet. Maybe I should stop doing that. Just take a rejection or two. I can't. I'm a coward.
Recently, I've found my conversation running dry. I don't know what to say to anyone. I always ask myself, "I'm really not interesting, am I?" as I run through my head to think of some sort of anecdote or conversational bridge to relieve some tense silence.
Would anyone object if I started to dress like this?
Early color photography terrifies (and enthralls) me because it reminds me that the past and its inhabitants were every bit as real as I am now, just as vibrant and tangible as the present. These people were as real as me, but they are now decades dead as I someday will be.
No one lived in a world of sepia-tone and grayscale.
"It's all about holding the light without burning your bosom." "Yeah.." "Let me put it this way. Do you have any friends who are cocky, kind of like full of themselves? It could be anyone, even your sister or something, who knows." "Yeah" "Now see that person. Do you see him? Now...do you have any grandparents?" "Yeah." "Okay, so, imagine your grandpa. Now imagine a big crowd of people. Do you see a big crowd?" "Yeah" "Now imagine your cocky friend walking past that crowd. Then see your grandpa walking past the crowd. Now ask yourself: Which one holds the light without burning his bosom?" "My grandpa. I mean, yeah...depending on how you interpret it." "Exactly."
I can't tell if this guy has any idea what the hell he's talking about.
happy
courageous