It's been six months since my fella & I had our amazing, sexy, whirlwind date. And he'll be back here in another month! J is still problematic, but becoming less so. And what's even better is that in this whole time, I've shed almost 20 pounds (I was really up there), been cast in an operetta (Iolanthe, I'm playing Fleta), & I'm generally growing out of my long-held idea that I'd be single for life. In the meantime, J is still miserable old J. Yeah, I'll gloat a little.
I went to Salem, Massachusetts recently, my first time on the east coast since I was 17. I was taking a Lyft somewhere around the area with a friend, when this song came on the radio. It's a modern pop number, & sugary sweet, but I still felt it.
I have absolutely lost my cool over this man. Like Stravinsky's Firebird hot. I've never fallen so hard/fast & entirely without reservation. And oh, how he knows. I've got no mystery, not a bit. I'm trying to hold on loosely, which is the best rock song relationship advice ever, thank you, 38 Special. But also, being coy at this point is mostly nonsense. We are over 5300 miles apart, & it would be the biggest steaming pile of bullshit if I came off as indifferent to him coming back. Or me going there. Or being with him wherever. Every now & then, it seems like it should be scary, but I realize that's just my anxiety talking. Without my anxiety interfering, there is a distinct, obvious lack of fear. I run no risk of doing anything rash or desperate. I'm just... determined to make up for lost time.
I was on a youtube music binge yesterday, & found this absolutely libidinous song by Fiona Apple called Hot Knife, that encapsulates it all rather perfectly. So of course I sent it to him. I've listened to it several times since. There've been nearly 100 songs in my head since I met My Fellow, but if my desire had a theme song, this would be it. If you listen, mind the metronome sound at the beginning, it's louder than the rest. There are album versions without it, but this video is amazing.
I've been house sitting at my employer's for most of April, & it comes to a close this week. Because My Fellow works from home, it has given us a lot of time to message & call each other. We had a virtual movie date, because he hadn't seen the Princess Bride. I loved hearing him laugh & get excited about the famous actors he didn't realize were in it, like Christopher Guest, Mel Smith, & Peter Cook. It was lovely. I would've rather watched it w/ him in person, but I couldn't wait. And it probably kept me from reciting every line aloud. I'm almost looking forward to being somewhat busy again, because these hours after he goes to bed & before I do, are kind of difficult. I'll see something I want to share, or think of something I want to say, but I don't want to wake him. Sometimes I just email My Fellow, of course. I would do that last month during the fringe festival, when I wanted to tell him stuff that happened. I'd start an email at the beginning of the evening, save it as a draft, then finish it up at the end of the night. But this month has spoiled me, being able to talk so often in real time. I love it until these in-betweens. It's an 8 hour difference between California & London, so by the time I'm fully up & about, a good portion of his day is over. My sensible side is fine w/ it, because I want My Fellow to be able to rest & work w/out me interrupting him. And since he's an artist type & sets his own hours, he often stays up late anyway. But oh, my heart sighs during these in-betweens. It's almost enough to make me go to bed early. Almost. There is of course, plenty for me to do if I chose, but it's still a relatively new relationship, so a significant part of me would rather mope.
I always seem to come back to LJ when I'm infatuated. Whether I think I'm in love, or whether I know it's just a fling or a crush. It's certainly easier to admit it here than where nearly everyone I know can see.
Yes, I'm in love again. But this is different. This time he loves me back. And this time, I'm ready.
I want to write down the whole story from my perspective. Mostly for posterity, really. [And just in case he ever gets curious & finds my livejournal, it will be here.] It seems rather dramatic to be this close to 40, & have a whirlwind love story that involves a jealous & manipulative friend. I didn't see it coming, for sure.
Moved in successfully with the lad I was smitten with, & in 3 months I was no longer smitten.(That was in 2014.) So, here's to holding it in. It kept something awkward from turning into a mess. We are still friends & still flatmates, though the feeling that I need to move on yet again sits with me. For all the moving on from living situations I've done, I'm someone who longs to finally land somewhere that is distinctly mine. I don't enjoy uprooting at all, but overstaying is also painful.
Changing topics here, but speaking of painful: I have an old friend I had to let go of a while back. It was an incredibly hard thing to do, & I did it for my own sake. There's a lot of love still there, but also a deep sense of betrayal. May not be quite the right word, but it works. I can overlook a lot of stuff, but this was a kind of hurt that stung every time I thought about it. [We met up again fairly recently, & I'm grateful that I let go somewhat gracefully, because it was nice to catch up. Not something I want to make a habit of doing, but it was good. I'll always care deeply for them, & I suspect the need to cut ties was probably mutual. I can be friends with almost anyone, but my core is a psychological wreck from growing up in an emotionally absuive home. No one gets too close to my fire without getting at least a little singed.] Anyhoo! I didn't outright block them on social media except for the chat function, because I thought I might get nostalgic for our long, late night chats, & I was right about that. I've often gone searching for emails & found an archived chat that had the keyword, & then been distracted by our old conversations. (I can't bring myself to delete them. We had pretty hilarious conversations, sometimes.) So this happened again tonight, & I went looking for a way to unblock them It's actually not an easy thing to do, thank goodness. I would not have initiated contact, just left the door open for it to happen. I found myself actually watching a video on how to unblock chat contacts (it's really that hard for someone who hasn't used the function in a while). And I didn't do it! I did a cord cutting ritual instead, & felt immensely better.
Lastly for tonight, lamenting the perpetual down-ness of tribe.net. An old social media site used by burners & other weirdo white people. Heh. I don't miss it that much, but there were photos & email conversations with 2 dear friends/lovers of mine who have since passed on, & I'd really like a way to access them. I just want to download the photos & screencap the messages, & it can go away again. I miss T. Blanco, but with the current state of affairs in this nation, I especially miss my Desert Mouse, Paul. I can't begin to imagine the words he'd have for these past couple years. Yet I still tend to let myself be guided by what Paul might do, were he still here. My increasing desire to be more active radically is tempered by the increasing pain & fatigue of my endometriosis, so often it's more of an intellectual exercise than anything else. Coincidentally, Desert Mouse's name was in a wikileaks data dump last year. Linking that info for posterity. The editor at burners.me gave some good insight on it. Everything after that on other topics is bizarro bin stuff, but the breakdown of the bmorg memo is spot on. https://burners.me/2016/10/19/brea…
This next stage of my life sounds like the plot for a TBS sitcom. It stars a geeky, musical, & quirky blonde Artemis Pebdani, who is moving in with her friend (also geeky, musical, & quirky) played by MC Frontalot. The catch is that he doesn't know that she has carried a torch for him for a few years already. It's called "One Of The Guys."
I saw this comment on a youtube video & had to respond. For context, it's a scene from a Robin Williams film, & naturally, discussion of his recent suicide is all over RW related videos. I won't name the user, but in the name of exposition, here is the comment, replying to another that said "It's worst when you commit a suicide."
--I think it's not worst. It's worst when someone kills a person who wants to live. Suicide is the best option for depressed people, I also think about it every day, and one day I'll probably feel so alone and do the same. We'll all die one day, so it's really not such a big thing, every life is short and meaningless anyway. I feel sorry he didn't have a happy life, but now it's all ok. I wish I had his courage to do this.--
Here's my lengthy, but heartfelt reply. It really sums up my feelings on the subject, & I couldn't let it be lost to the comments section on youtube.
**No, no, no. Please, no. While I accept that (in a very general sense) people have a right to exit this world on their own terms, it is rarely, if ever, "the best option for depressed people." I speak as someone with depression, & as someone who has lost dear friends to suicide. I don't believe that society ultimately has the right to say no to an autonomous adult who has truly had enough. BUT The problem with depression is that it screws up your perspective. Depression is a liar. It tells people that they're worthless & alone, when 99% of the time that is BS. There is no shame in the desire to be free from pain. But not everyone who entertains these thoughts should consider it a real option. Precisely because depression lies. It's also not the best option for depressed people because not everyone with this illness is indeed suicidal. It's still rough. Fear, anxiety, & dark thoughts can be regular visitors. They are disturbing, but NOT indicative of a need to end it all.
Life with depression is flipping hard, it does take courage & it can be agonizingly painful. I like to think that the number of suicides would go down significantly if more people lucky enough to not have it would understand this. Hopefully better resources would become available to those in need, & less people would be told to suck it up. [Immense & senseless emotional pain, being told to suck it up, then labeled as a coward if you kill yourself. That's a cycle that needs to end now.] There is help, there is hope, & there are people who care. I care, or I wouldn't be writing this novel here on youtube. Life, & what we do with it, is a choice. Some of us have to make that choice more deliberately than others. That's just the way we are. Peace.**
hopeful
loved
flirty
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tired