So I finally gave in to come to the hospital. I've been working out and Sunday I think I pushed myself too much and I started having chest pains. I sit here in the ER and the seat next to me is empty my eyes water. I'm trying not to break down. I miss you so much
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If I would've known that night would be the last night I saw him I would've turn my car around and said that didn't matter what we argued about none of that mattered. That I was completely out of line in the way I acted and treated him. I would've stayed that night with him and slept in his arms. I think it was a defense mechanism my sixth sense told me he was leaving soon and I reacted the only way I knew how. I completely shut down and acted like the old me. The one who didn't feel anything the one who didn't care. Numbness is such a great way to coward away from any feelings. I know it made it easier for both of us just to leave it at that. I never knew when he left or where he was. For weeks I pretended I didn't care and that him leaving didn't bother me. I didn't know that one day I would wake up and realize I was probably never going to see him again. That him looking back at me as he got out of my car that night was the last look he would give me and it wasn't his loving look it was a goodbye look. I didn't even look in rearview mirror like I usually do. So many things I regret from that night. I would've rather taken him to the airport and cried by eyes out seeing him leave would've been harder but I would've not regretted it. If I could go back to that moment where I thought about turning the car around I would in a heart beat. But everything was said and done we both were left with broken hearts and it only seemed we could only fix each-others.
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There are days I can tolerate being away from you and your absence doesn't seem that great. But there are nights that everything reminds me of you. Every song every word every sound. A fraction of my heart breaks off every time I hear the airplanes fly by. Sometimes I catch myself convincing myself that you're only
minutes away, it seems to help and that any minute I could get in my
car and drive to see you. When I drive by you're old place I pretend you are there. I cant seem to accept that you are no longer here yet I feel you so close to me. I never knew there was a physical pain behind a heartbreak I always thought it was an emotional feeling. Even though my heart aches I wouldn't trade it in for the world. It reminds me I'm still alive and the numbness that I carried my entire life was cured by you by your love.
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I've been speaking to him for the past week or so. On March 6th he text me a picture of his receiving his 3rd stripe becoming s commercial pilot. He didn't say anything he just sent the picture and I responded
Me:
Even after everything that has happened between us I'm very proud of you! I always believed in you even when you did not. I know you will become a very successful pilot and that makes me smile. Congratulations Captain Alaa Bieruti Take care and have fun :)
Him:
Thank you very much you were and still very special person to me I really don't know what to say but I wish you happiness take care and be careful
Me:
You Don't have to say anything it's all forgiven whatever you think you did wrong it's been forgotten.. And I hope you forgive me for whatever I did wrong. I don't stay mad for long I'm happy right now and I hope you are too
The conversation ended......
I can't stay mad for long and I missed hearing his voice. That was the first thing I was hooked on his voice his accent. I went on vacation last week went to San Antonio with a my BFF and had fun. We ate great food had tons of alcohol. We ended up meeting with one of my friends who is from UAE we met him at a hookah cafe.
On the 12th I receive a text from Aloosh saying
Him:
"I got selected for 3 airlines. which makes me think of you cuz you supported me too much, my family asked me too much about what happened between us.."
Me:
"Just got your message I was sleeping I'm proud of you I always knew you could do it. As for your family I really miss hearing about them but everything happens for a reason I did not want you to stay here in US because I knew you could not do what you really wanted to do and that's work for an airline and staying here for me was not worth it I know whatever you choose will be the right thing and you will be happy. You will be a wonderful husband one day that girl will be very lucky to have you."
After awhile of texting we talked on the phone for the first time in almost a month I couldn't but help smile the whole time of course I was happy to talk to him but sadness came over me when the call ended. He text me the next day wishing me a safe drive home.
I didn't hear from him until the 17th he text me something random and the conversation got deep after that. For the first time we both opened up since he had left the US. He made it very clear that he thought he had made some sort of mistake but wasn't sure how to fix it. I told him him leaving was the right thing he was never meant to stay here in TX with me. I knew from the very beginning him leaving was a possibility but later on in the relationship he assured me he was staying. I always knew in the back of my mind this day would come so I realized I could not be upset with him. He ended the things the way he thought would be easier making himself look like a bad person so I would hate him and not look for him. The hating part did not work but I did not look for him making it easy for him to leave the US without him physically seeing me cry as he walked on to that airplane. In a way he made it easier on me because I never knew exactly when he physically left. Deep inside I know he did the right thing but doesn't mean my heart isn't broke in a million pieces. He finally broke down and text
" My life isn't the same since we broke up. I'm laying down on my bed and I can't stop think of you I really miss your hugs Tell me what should I do so I can just rest my mind from thinking of you."
He proceeded to tell me he was coming to see me one last time I said no.
Me:" Alaa there is no need to waste your money and come see me You know that's not a good idea it's only going to be harder ... What are we suppose to do when we see eachother act like friends I can't do that and we can't act like a couple because we are not together "
تم كسر قَلبـي في القطع مليون
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On February 19th love of my life text me and said we should be friends. There so much behind this story it's hard to write about it. I think there was so many contributing factors that lead up to this text message. Teeler is living in Georgia where he is stationed and in the process of separating with his. I know he still loves me and he never will stop loving me. I told him we could be friends and that I thought he should try to work things out with his wife because I had a boyfriend and was happy, or so I thought. Eventually we drifted apart again and I am no longer in daily contact with him which is good he can work on his marriage without having me to intrude. At the time I knew things were different with Aloosh I wasn't sure but something was wrong. Everything was bothering about him I thought I was becoming tired of him and no longer loved him but I was wrong. I guess it was my sixth sense that knew he was leaving and my heart my preparing itself to be broken. The last few days with him were less than ideal which probably made it easier for both of us to no longer see each-other ever again. He told me he was tired of me and did not want to be with me anymore. I felt his horrible hole in my heart an actually physical pain that made me gasp for air but there was no tears. My body had gone into safe mode, numbness crept though my body. I joined the gym so the hours that I usually spent with him I was at the gym. In the first month I lost 15 lbs. All the sadness gave me drive. I knew this day would come where reality would set in and I would break down. Last week my drive back home from the gym was full of tears. I don't think I've broken down like that since my last entry. I realized I missed him his smell his loving look his smile everything about him. Accepting that I won't ever see him again brought that hole back that I felt in my chest that physical pain was there and it hurt more than ever.
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In six days will mark a month when I became his girlfriend. I had stop my ways about a month before he came in to my life, almost as if I was preparing myself for someone special. I disregarded all the meaningless relationships that I had developed throughout the year. I was beginning to sink in to a dark hole as I had before and I felt the darkness creep over me. I knew that If i fell Into depression again it would be very difficult to find my way out, being trapped in a glass enclosure able to see the intangible happiness seemed like my future. I couldn't remember when was the last time I cried but the night before he came in to my life I cried like I had not cried in years. I sobbed myself to sleep my pillow being the only witness of my sadness. I asked myself why didn't I have anyone, all I wanted was someone that would ask me where I was or how I was feeling. I craved that pure love, that love where you look in to each others eyes and you know exactly what each others thoughts are. And You can't comprehend how it is possible for someone to look at you with such love and passion and listening to his steady rapid heart beat assures you there is no room for deceit. So much has happened in a month I don't even know where to start. I know have fallen in love like never before I spent hours speaking with him laughing with him and there never seems to be an awkward silent moment we have so much to say to each other. A whole life time to catch up. With him I don't feel the need to hide anything I told him everything about me he makes me feel comfortable with who I am with who I was he never judges me just simply loves me he broke through that wall that I had built to keep anyone away to prevent me from getting hurt he knew exactly what to say what to do to get to my heart now I cant imagine my life without him
but I know that day will come when he has to leave he says he won't but in reality we both know it's inevitable. I will never be prepared for that day where he finishes his aviation training and moves across the world where I know I won't ever see him again it's hard not to think about it everyday it's always in the back of my mind. As soon as I found out I was falling in love I stopped and was holding back because I knew I was setting myself up for failure why set up my heart to be broken once again. In the end love overpowered everything and holding back was no longer an option for me.
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So yeah I fucked up yesterday.... I fucked my ex!!! I know big no no especially if he is in love with you and he is going to get all emotional.. Kinda awkward but sex was good...all I wanted was to fuck but he wanted to kiss cuddle , make love. I have no feelings for him at all I could tell he did which made it a bit odd. I hope this doesn't bring me any consequences ugh...
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The 19 year old called me today inviting me over to his place. I met 'the 19 year old' right after I separated from my ex and driving an hour to his place on Fridays to spend the night wasn't a big deal. That went on for about two month and I did not see him for about eight months. When I went over last month he had gone through puberty!! To my amazement he was at least 3 inches taller, slimmed down, and his dick got bigger and better. We fucked all night and he was pretty good hitting it from behind! I spent the night there and woke up early the next morning and slipped out without a sound. I don't think he liked that very much because he did not respond to my text messages for about a week.
The second call I received was 'my third grade crush' who use to live next door to me when I was in elementary. I had the biggest crush on him and dreamed about him all the time. We use to talk on the phone and look at each other through the window. Sneaking out in the middle of the night to sit on the log that separated our house and just talk for hours, I will never forget! I started talking to him again couple months after I found out my ex was cheating on me and went over to his house and fucked him. It was okay nothing too great but I had fun. That was the last I saw him then he got in a relationship which ended about a month ago and guess who he called....ME!! I went over to his house about a week because he was sick and went over just to see how he was doing, I rubbed his belly because and gave him his meds. After that we have been planning to meet up but something always seems to pop up and prevents me from going over.
The third call I received yesterday was from fucker, I like fucking fucker. He called me this past weekend but I just did not feel like seeing him. I have to be in the mood to be around him I can't be around him all the time because his ex calling him every five minutes to check to see if he is with me is pretty annoying. This weekend I don't have my little one and he doesn't have his kids so I think it's time for fucker.
I haven't had sex since Thursday and it's been too long... I wish I would've have take one of them on their offers but my ex was here and me leaving in the middle of the night was not a good idea. Fml
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So my ex is staying with me for a night, not what you think!! Something came up and he had to stay here and of course in a different room. He is sending me 'playful' text messages which you know what don't turn me on what so ever. I tried having meaningless sex with him but apparently that can't be done with him. I've had sex with him once since we broke up. Sex was good but he hugged me and tried to cuddle I wasn't having it. It was a quickie and it was what it was but to him it was a big deal. So yes I want to fuck but it's taking my all not to go over there fuck him because I will regret when he gets all emotional. I thought it was the girl who had to do the the whole 'I'm attached' bs!!!
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The Indian definitely has potential. I was worried I wasn't going to understand his accent but it wasn't an issue. The chemistry was there and the conversation just flowed with no problem. Meeting in a park at night isn't too crazy, I think. We talked for two hours and there wasn't an awkward silence throughout the whole conversation. I think I found my new fuck buddy :) What? He's a bit shy but he gets brave through text messages, who doesn't. I like that he has his own place and that's a plus so no cheap motels with him. He is only couple inches taller than me which isn't an issue but I like them tall. Yes throughout the conversation that ranged from sand-script prayers to drunk stories I wondered how big he was. He can't be any smaller than the Nepali right? Let's hope not or this is going to turn into a one time thing which it's time to change fuck buddies. The Nepali has lasted too long I believe and The Saudi is good and big but he is a bit annoying. What if I get lucky and the Indian is amazing at sex and he wants no strings attached....I think I would love that!
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