You're like water with just a touch of lead

When I was in high school I went through bouts of depression, though I'd consider myself lucky. I was bogged down for a few years, but I was able to bounce back and even though it still hits me from time to time, it's not nearly as devastating as it used to be.

The waves of lethargy never did leave me back then, even after sleeping for what seemed like forever. The feeling of not wanting to get up out of bed, not wanting to shower or do anything worth while. Hoping I could waste away to nothingness in the comfort of my bed with my tear soaked pillows. My mother thought she was being coy by saying she "needed" me to come with her to go grocery shopping or out to a place slightly further than the city limits. Each car ride was exactly the same - I'd stare out of the window and not say a word. She would poke, prod, and ask what's wrong, how I was. Some car rides were better than others depending on my mood that day. On my worst days it would feel like she was pulling teeth or performing an exorcism, and likewise I'd scream.

I never did thank her. She was (what felt like) the only light trying to push itself through the dank, dark fog. Luckily she pulled me out of the house enough times for me to start feeling normal - I started feeling new experiences, and good feelings. She believed in me and her attitude rubbed off on me.

When I learned about Chester's suicide, I couldn't help but remain in disbelief. Why would someone as mature, and wise with so much leave it all behind? Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't make life any better if you have dark places you don't have anyone to pull you out of. Linkin Park was one out of many bands I listened to in order to cope with my sadness. The raw anger, the authentic screaming, the connection as if they understood my pain and I, theirs. It sucked, but at least I wasn't alone.

I drove home from work yesterday listening to Hybrid Theory when not even halfway I found myself bawling my eyes out. When you can't suppress the precarious thoughts you will never be able to get out of your head. There will always be the negativity in the back of your mind doubting everything you do. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with such calamitous depression for so many years having it follow you into adulthood. He was a good friend of Chris Cornell who also died by suicide just a day before Linkin Park released their latest CD. Perhaps that was the final trigger. When someone so near and dear to you leaves, how can you cope?

I think about death often - as morbid as that sounds. I try to prepare myself for the moment when or if it happens because I don't think I'd be able to handle another lapse of depression that was as bad as it was before. I had a much smaller relapse in 2012, but to cope with it I made plans with friends almost daily to keep the noise in my brain going, because if I left it alone in silence for even a second the sadness would wash over me, and I'd start again at square one.

For example, my dog turned 3 on July 19th, and even though I'm happy she's growing up I teared up thinking about only having another ~10 years with her before she won't be there anymore. She's a staple to my happiness, we have the same routine every day, and each time she puts a smile on my face. Thinking about that not being there in the future makes me lapse back just a little, but after a few hours I'm fine again. Thinking about losing my mother (at whatever age, could be in a year or in 40 years), is also a recurring thought/scenario. She's been there for me, gone through so much, yet another staple to my happiness. There are only but so many staples you can lose until everything comes undone. I'm hoping that Chris will be able to sew up the wound but will he be strong enough to stand by it? My mother never gave up, not matter how difficult I was being, but would someone who feels they've tried it one too many times give up? What if I drain the person trying to save me and they just leave me there - to rot in the decay of a feeble mind.

Unfortunately life gets harder as an adult. You're more isolated with many responsibilities. You see your best friends maybe once in a few weeks if you're lucky, maybe once or twice a year if you're not. The people who would usually give you all the time in the world have their own families and responsibilities to take care of. Even though Chester was surrounded by his band-mates and friends, no one really tapped in to how he was dealing with the loss of a very close friend. A friend he could confide and connect with over similar destructive thoughts and drug abuse. You can hear the pain in his voice and see the pain in his face when he's performing One More Light on Jimmy Kimmel. Unfortunately, the day he took his life, his wife and kids were away and no one close to him was at the house. The noise in his head got too loud for him to take and he decided to end it once and for all. Depression is a hell of a trip, and I'd never wish it upon even my worse enemies.

Rest in peace, Chester. May your soul disperse among the ether.

Lately I have found this bothers me more so than it really should. It hasn't recently come to my attention, but more so lingering in the back of my mind.

I find it frustrating that so many people are quick to jump on the first 30 second video, or 3 paragraph "rant", and declare such intense emotion and understanding toward it without any citations or prior background**. Suddenly we have people going from village idiot to area expert over one post/link before hearing both arguments or sides of the story, let alone making any effort to Google it.

I'm sure I'll receive some form of scolding, or be branded as deranged, by saying the media is poison, Facebook is poison, the misconstrued internet is all poison. Although much good has come from the internet, I can't fathom how it spawned these uneducated, selfish monsters. Everything today is always so negative - there's nothing good to say about anyone. "Random acts of kindness" surprise us, and acts of violence turn into "but are you really surprised"?

What happened to being cultured and kind? What happened to actual journalism?

Are these thoughts normal of those that get older as the younger generations surround them? Comparing the 1970's-1980's nuclear family to the 2000's-2010 is a huge leap in societal and cultural differences.

**Buzzfeed is not a credible source, much like TheRightRightest.com, LeftLeftist.com, etc., etc. yet everyone will cite these day-in-day-out.

In my senior year of high-school our English teacher assigned the dreaded, year long, research paper. We had to actually pick up a book, form our own ideology, and then cite the findings we used. Why was this so bad? Why is spoon feeding everyone click-bait articles that you claim you know the full story in just a headline so great? Is somehow reading 5-10 paragraphs of a story going to cause you to keel over and die? Is it really about the money per clicks, have we really become so greedy? It's the cheap, lazy way to become rich right? Are all of us so lazy?

I'm tired of seeing yet another post that is linked to some form of media that contains the comment "I don't know how true this is but... [shares the stupidity anyway]".

Much like your mother told you as a child, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it; If you don't have anything smart to link, then don't link it!




Old and crotchety before 30. YIPPIE!

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We teach girls to shrink themselves to make themselves smaller.

We say to girls: "You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful otherwise you will threaten the man."

Because I am female I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.

Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support, but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don't teach boys the same?

We raise girls to see each other as competitors. Not for jobs or for accomplishments which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men.

We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.


Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.

Клаудиа
Драган
Калоян
Валентин
Лидия

Good riddance and goodbye,  2013.

 

Here's to the last of the outstanding memories that have plagued me at the start of the year and persisted for the first half of it. With all bad also comes great potential which I found blindly mid June.

 

Goodbye to the pain.
To the arguements.
The self doubt.

 

Welcoming the warm reassurance.
The trust.
The new love.

 

Hopeful wishes for 2014 and the aftermath.

8:50 am my "Service Engine Soon" light came on.

Drove to Nissan after ~20 miles and they said my transmission had to be reprogrammed. Tim (they guy that did the service check) said it will not affect anything and nothing will be screwed up because of it. He also said "Nissan is aware of this and that is why they had the upgrade ready ad available".

Happy 10 years of LJ to this account. Huzzah?