Shasari's Journal

No, they did not. Fought verbally and sometimes physically all throughout their marriage. Lived separated for 3 years, but didn't want to divorce. Father elected to work himself to death and not take care of his health. Elected to work 7 days a week 11p-7a for the last three or four years of his life, so he slept most of the day. Only saw him when it was dinner time or when he was coming home from work.

Very sad. Both of them attempted suicide. My mother darn near succeeded. Had it not been for the state police finding the car, checking it out and calling an ambulance, she would have. Mother wound up in and out of psych hospitals for a few years, and on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Father came close, then voluntarily signed himself in for psych treatments. Later on, my father just basically gave up living, and died in the hospital from complications due to prostate cancer less than eight months before he was due to retire. He was 64.

I had an older brother that never left home. I tried to go through junior college while under my mothers' roof, but after my father died, the shit show continued with fights and battles of will between my mother and older brother. I left home, moved in with my (now) spouse in 1996, and became estranged by the two of them. They didn't like the fact I was and am in a same-sex relationship.

My mother died in 2012, and I only found out about it later that same year because I searched her name to find out any social media she was using, only to find her obituary. She was 82.

In November 2019, I got a call from the chief of police and medical examiner in the town they lived in to inform me my brother committed suicide. He was 58 years old. Born four years before me. He never left the house he grew up in, had inherited it, failed to pay the taxes, and just gave up when the town foreclosed on the property and were about to seize it for back-taxes.

Myself, I'm happily wedded to my spouse and we've been together since 1996, and I work in the IT field as a cybersecurity analyst. At least my personal story is a happy one, even though pretty much everything about my home life when I was a kid sucked. Parents were abusive toward me and my late brother as well as to eachother. I'm 59 this year, turning 60 in 2025..

So I thought it about time to do an update. I'm currently dealing with and being seen for a few different medical conditions.With all of this said I'm doing mostly OK. Depressed at times, mostly over the double-vision as it makes doing my job as an IT analyst challenging. I have prism lenses that offer some correction, but it's variable day to day and depending on how tired, fatigued I feel due to other health conditions.

My primary doctor is concerned about all of this and mentioned of all the possibilities in the differential diagnosis, sarcoidosis is what he's hoping for.

• 4th nerve palsy causing double vision


• Lumbar radiculopathy, slowly worsening over time


• Ascending aortic aneurysm and pulmonary aneurysm - both are currently stable and don't meed the criteria for surgical intervention


• Asthma

and the newest

• Sarcoidosis -- this is currently being investigated for confirmation. It could be something less pleasant, like lymphoma. I have a family history of cancer, so I just don't know for certain yet.

Well they currently suspect it is sarcoidosis given my symptoms, but they have to do some more tests to confirm it. It could potentially be something less pleasant, such as lymphoma. I won't know for certain for a little bit. Hoping it's only sarcoidosis, as if that isn't bad enough, but it's not as bad as the alternatives. So far I've got, in addition to my primary doctor, a

• Cardiologist


• Pulmonologist


• Neuro-ophthalmologist


• Ophthalmologist


• Dermatologist

and depending on confirmation of what the issue actually is, will either need a referral to a rheumatologist, or to an oncologist. Hoping the former.

Basically I've got an increasing number of nodules forming and growing in my lungs, both the hilar and mediastinal lymph nodes are enlarged and getting larger. The supraclavicular lymph node is enlarged, and just spotted a week ago Thursday there is a small but enlarged lymph node in the paraspinal soft tissues, seen on my lower back MRI. My symptoms have ramped up in the last week and a half to include a deep somewhat productive cough - no blood seen, body aches everywhere just about, headaches, shortness of breath, hot flashes, random night sweats.

Here's the actual radiology report from my last chest CT in September, and this is what garnered the attention of my doctors.( Collapse )

So it's been a heck of a year. Last September 18th, my only and older brother committed suicide, so it's been a roller coaster ride since then — dealing with the estate, dealing with his death etc. He wasn't married and had no kids. Beyond that I don't know much as we'd lost touch back in 2004.

Still, it was a very unpleasant thing to find out, and go through.

In addition to that I've been going through multiple medical problems now for a while. I had two surgeries this year — both for the same issue. Two, because the first surgeon failed to remove the offending parathyroid gland after exploring for it for 2 hours. So I had a 2nd, successful surgery at UCSF, and thankfully my insurance covered it.

Counting them up, I've got 11 active health conditions. I'm currently waiting on the results of a cardiac MRI and a chest CT, both done on Thursday (2 days ago). My cardiologist noted that she found the right side of my heart to be enlarged — cardiac dysplasia. Just waiting on the verdict of the MRI.

The chest CT is to follow up on tracking lung nodules. One of my early careers was of a truck and heavy equipment mechanic. I can't count how many times I was bathed in brake dust. I hope that's not going to be a problem now.

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I survived childhood abuse. It was both physical and emotional combined from both parents, and from outside the house. I was always a kind person, and it was mistaken for weakness. I was treated like an omega in the home until I moved out at 31, and in public school until my Junior year.

One can spend the rest of their lives trying to overcome a few minutes of their childhood. All I ever wanted was a loving home, a loving family. I wanted my parents to really care, but they were cold and abusive.

I almost committed suicide when I was 16 by driving my car off a cliff. I grew up feeling worthless, alone, unwanted and had extremely low self esteem that has taken me decades to fix. I'm still a work in progress.

My father had a horrible temper and a violent streak that often saw me at the receiving end of physical abuse. My mother, she was physically abusive, but not that much — she was more the emotional / psychological abuse type. She knew my father had a bad temper and a propensity to violence and abuse, yet she would get him all spun up when he got home, which caused him to force me to bring him a belt, a razor strap, a broom handle or whatever and hand it to him, then "bend over and assume the position"

Then my mother would stand back and say nothing as I was repeatedly beaten on the buttox, legs and lower back. Sometimes I would glance to see this strange look of satisfaction on her face.

At which point I would get beaten in areas that didn't show so no one outside the house would see the welts and bruises. So he was "safe" from prosecution. My brother had it worse than I — as my father once chained my brother out on the front step by putting a dog collar around his neck and leashing him to the front steps.

The things that happened to us both scarred us for life. I was the lucky one — I escaped my family home at 31 after 2 years of college. My brother wasn't so lucky. He stayed in the home with my abusive mother until she died. He never got married, and he killed himself in September 2019. I read his facebook after I found it, as I didn't know of it until he was gone. He suffered the same after effects as I do.

Anxiety. Depression. PTSD like reactions to various stressful situations.

As strange as this sounds, I forgive them. Not to forget what they did to me, and how they messed up my life and the life of my brother, but to stop myself from poisoning my heart with regret and feelings of anger over what was done, how they both messed up my brothers life and mine.

I wish things in my family had been different — oh what I would not give to have had a loving caring family and a happier childhood. I hope that humans as a species will stop abusing children, especially their own...

So another 1.5 years (approx.) have passed since my last entry. There's been a few changes, medically and familial.

So medical stuff, I now have an eye alignment problem that cause double-vision with both eyes open. Close one and it's a single image. The best, least risky fix is a set of prism glasses and hope over time it will correct itself. Also getting to that age where arthritis is kicking up — mainly in my right knee.

On the familial side of things, I'm the last surviving member of my fathers' side of my family. My father passed on in 1993, mother in 2012, and most recently my brother took his own life in September 2019. I miss him. I miss my mom and dad too. Yes I'm 54, but one never really stops missing family members who have passed on.

Back when I was 16 in 1981, I was having knee problems — actually had been for 2-3 years prior to that. I could not ride in the back seat of a car for more than 20 minutes before severe pain would kick in, and I had to get out and walk around.

So in 1981 my family doctor finally recommended an orthopedic surgeon who took X-rays. They found a mass on the femur of my left leg just above the knee, on the front of the bone.

They were not sure right off what exactly it was or whether it was cancerous. Only removal and biopsy would determine that. So I was freaked out.

About a year prior my father had purchased me a Jostens 10K yellow gold class ring [back then you could buy a yellow gold 10K ring for 200.00 + tax, now that same ring would cost 840.00 + tax]. I'd been very careful not to lose it or leave it in a bad place like on a washroom sink.

I never should have worn it the day the surgeon told me about the x-ray results and possibilities. I was really freaked out and in a funk. I remember sitting in the back seat of my parents' car fiddling with the ring on the back deck of it, near the rear window, and that was the last I saw of it. I recall the car parking in the drive, I went inside the house and then realized about 20 or so minutes later the ring was missing.

I searched the car, the side yard, everywhere in the house I could have put it, but it was gone. I never did find it.

So this year I've decided to replace it — the replacement doesn't look like the original as that is beside the point, but it's arriving in late February and as silly as it sounds I'm eagerly awaiting it's arrival.The ring I'm getting is a lustrium base with 23K gold layered plating. Not cheap by any means, but not as expensive as 10K would be. 14K & 18K are ridiculously expensive.

Just one of those unresolved issues that I can put some kind of a wrap to - to replace a gift that was given to me by my father that became stolen or lost. The original was very important to me, and it was only because I was facing major knee surgery and the possibility of cancer that I ever lost it.

Just as an aside it turned out to be benign - an osteochondroma.

Here's an image of what the new ring will look like, saved from the ring designer app on Jostens' site.

#StandWithMashpee

https://mashpeewampanoagtribe-nsn.…

https://nativenewsonline.net/curre…

I hope the Wampanoag are successful at this fight. I firmly stand with them, even if I can’t be there physically.

The continued theft of NDN land - this just so very much pisses me off. I remember when, back in the early 90’s, there was a ceremony held in Greenfield MA for the Wampanoag people. I was there for it. I briefly met the late Medicine Man Cjegkitoonuppa, or Slow Turtle (John Peters) there. It was an honor to speak with him albeit briefly. And now, to see this current administration trying to dissolve the Wampanoag reservation and do further harms to the Wampanoag people, I’m too damn angry over this for words.

I hope this administration is not allowed to get away with what they are attempting. If the current administration succeeds, this would be a very bad sign for the future, and would set a horrible precedent for other Nations fighting to hold onto what they have, what was stolen from them, and what they have fought very hard for. When will the US stop breaking every single treaty, going back to the first treaty with the Lenape people, and continuing from there to today, and seemingly planning to continue harming NDN people going forward with voter disenfranchisement etc...

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Regarding the person who was killed trying to spread the word of Christianity to the Sentinelese.

The Sentinelese have been isolated for, according to one article, 60,000 years and as such would not have immunity against diseases endemic to outsiders. But missionaries get so wrapped up in delivering "The Message" that they never stop to consider the present and future consequences to the people they try to "help"with their bullshit.

Just look to the N. American continent and what happened to the Indigenous people since the first colonizers set foot and messed with the lifeways of the people who were there long before the colonizers. A bible in one hand, and a gun in the other. "And if they cannot convert you, they will kill you."

Look to all the "good" done to Native Americans and First Nations children in the mission schools:

• Loss of Native language - beaten for speaking it


• Loss of cultural ways


• Forced removal from family and community

Given the fact he knew what he was doing was illegal, and the risks and consequences plus the fact he bribed 7 local fishermen who are now under arrest by the Indian government to bring him close enough where he could paddle ashore in his kayak, I don't feel sorry that he got himself killed. I feel bad for his family, having to suffer the loss, but not for him. I hope his mere presence, and that of his corpse, does not introduce diseases to the Sentinelese that they have no immunity against.

Just once, I'd like to hear of an Indigenous population that is left alone to be who they are - instead of people trying to convert them into what they want them to be...

Honestly I'm surprised to find the LJ site still up and operational, and not only that but my journal is still here intact.

A few things have changed in the last four years; I traded the Harley in for a used Toyota Prius; I still work for UC Berkeley, and all of us were made members of a labor union; all of our cats we originally had in our family have passed away, and we have a new cat, Dashie; I attended a Brony convention (and probably won't attend another); and we're considering moving to Palm Springs in a couple of years.

We still have that **** fifth wheel trailer, and it's going to be a major pain to get rid of it, but it's got to go. We have nothing to pull it with.

I keep trying to lose weight but am bouncing up and down.

I'm still playing Texas Hold'Em, and recently upgraded my DSLR to a Canon 6D, which is a fine camera.

Hoping to be able to move to Palm Springs or somewhere in a couple years, Bay Area prices are friggin' nuts. In Leominster we had an 1100 sq.ft. apartment for about 800/mo, and here we have a 900 sq.ft. apartment for 2600/mo. Sucks.

I've gotten into tube audio equipment - mostly just have a couple of tube headphone amplifiers - a Darkvoice 336SE, and a Little Dot hybrid. They really pair well with the Sennheiser HD-650's.

Going out shortly for groceries and gasoline.

Seeing a neurologist because I'm having some double-vision issues when looking to my right. It's odd, but they think it's neurological. Hoping they get me moving toward a cure soon. Makes things, interesting...

It had been a very long time coming, but I have finally made one of my dreams, one of my 'bucket list' items become a reality.  I have ridden motorcycles ever since I was old enough to secure a learners' permit.  Before that I was always interested in bikes.  Most of my life I was forced to settle on used Japanese bikes.  Not that there's anything wrong with riding a Suzuki, or Honda, or Kawasaki.   But they weren't the bike I really wanted to own.

I've always liked the big V-Twin bikes.  I would wear Harley branded clothing to school, and got heckled for it.  But it didn't change the fact that one day, one day I would own one.

That day has come.  One week ago today, almost to the hour, I became the owner of this:






This is my 2009 Harley Davidson FLHTC Electra Glide Classic; paint is named "Red Hot Sunglo"

I have never enjoyed riding quite as much as I do on this bike.  It's big, and yes it's very heavy, but it corners very well for a bike it's size and has a very good center of gravity and balance.  Power is readily available from her heart, the 96 cubic inch (nearly 1600cc's) twin cam V-Twin engine, and torque, talk about torque.  It will accelerate well in any gear.

I'm keeping the stock quieter muffler system on it, since I intend to do some long haul cruising and don't want the sound of a loud bike fatiguing me, or my ears.  Barry, my husband, is now looking at buying his own Harley sometime later this year.

Going to take a run up to the Deschutes National Forest for Campfire Tails later this year, and going up on the bike.  Barry will be driving our Ford van with the camping gear.  Looking forward to the run, and the getaway.