souzou

Sometimes I can be so completely stupid.

Sometimes I do things without thinking like dying my hair cotton candy pink a week before my drivers license expires which means the picture I'll take to renew it will be of me with pink hair for the next 8 YEARS!

Sometimes I get myself to a really healthy place and am able to do something I did before I got sick. For me, it was having alcohol. I haven't had a beer in months and I haven't had liquor since before my diagnosis a year ago. But I was feeling good and so I treated myself to a margarita. I didn't die (yay!) but my stupid brain goes into "DO ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO" mode! Some espresso, a couple of sodas and a bag of doritos later and I'm regretting my complete stupidity.

I also realized I'm only capable of focusing on like three things at a time. For the last two weeks that has been 1) Sherlock 2) Hair Dye and 3) Writing. Its stupid how many hours I've spent bleaching my hair and rinsing bleach from my hair and doing conditioning treatments on my hair and buying dyes and so on and so forth. And I have also gotten a SHIT TON of creative writing done. More in the last week than I've done in the last few years combined. But the thing is I get really super focused and obsessed and then when I burn out, I resurface and go "Damnit, I had real things I had to do. Things that people rely on me to do."

Thus begins the shame spiral which is how I got to the caffeine/junk food portion of my day.

Why the fuck do I do these things?!?!

Ways to kill Shanna: feed her one third of a 20 fl oz Dr. Pepper
But it'll be such a nice way to go.

In other news, check out the awesome shirt I bought that just came in the mail! (i have John and Sherlock on my boobs!)


I bought it from teefury.com and here's the link to the close-up of the design

You may also be able to tell that my hair is blonde now. Still not platinum but we're getting there. I want to throw pink dye on it NOW but I know I should wait. It'll get better the whiter my hair is and that takes time. But I really do miss all the compliments that my blue hair got. The blonde looks surprisingly natural so I'm not getting any many compliments anymore. For someone as shy as I am, I got really used to all the attention that my unnatural hair color got me.

In other Sherlock related news, I started writing a fic. I'm going to post it here below the cut. Its unedited and rough as hell but I really want to start writing again and I need to get over my author-fright by confronting my fears. Besides, Sherlock POV is a good excuse to abuse regular grammar and punctuation.

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So my attempts to take the blue out of my hair resulted not in reddish/ginger hair like the nice product packaging had said, but rather with Shanna developing blonde hair with pinkish-purplish highlights. Personally, I'm not a super fan of the results and even had to re-bleach it just to even out some of the places where it went CRAZY BLONDE versus some chunks of hair that stayed black even after soaking in hair bleach for an HOUR.

Everyone keeps telling me that they love it and I should keep it, but the blond is a really buttery, yellow-ish blonde. Its the kind of blonde that was obviously dark hair in a previous life, so it looks really unnatural and kind of cheap to me. I want to take it platinum blonde and then do a pastel color all over but everyone keeps voting me down. One way or the other, I do need to even out the roots.

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And for my general health record keeping, I had a POTS episode today. Thankfully, I just discovered a new heart rate app for my phone that is SOO much more accurate than my old one. With this one, I focus the camera on my face to take a reading. I was peaking at about 110bpm which is uncomfortably close to double my average of 65bpm. As usual, triggered by eating lunch and attempting to move around like a normal human being after. Passed after about 30 minutes and so now I feel like a zombie.

This was not a good week for my scheduling manager to decide that Shanna can do 6-days straight of work. Top it off with the fact that tonight I closed the store and I get to open it in the morning! Thankfully, I get off at 5pm which is ungodly early compared to me usually leaving long after most people have eaten and are contemplating late night television. So hopefully I should have some time to finish up work that requires more than bare minimum of brain cells that I am currently operating on.

I tried to real-life work, the kind that I get paid for, and it was just embarrassing. I should be able to do these sales spreadsheets in my sleep and now I'm staring at basic addition like its some strange alien language handed to me by a bunch of green martians.

So, now I'm off to bed, about four hours earlier than I ever go to bed. Maybe I'll have sweet Sherlock dreams. There's this stupid plot bunny that has been nagging at my brain for the last 24 hours and I keep telling it that I'm busy but it obviously does not give a damn.

Even though I have to wait about two weeks until my cd arrives (signed too), I managed to get my hands on a digital copy of the new Blood Red Shoes album "In Time to Voices." WOOT! I love this band. Its a two piece alternative rock band from England. Yet, just a dude on the drums and a chick on guitar. I fell in love after I heard their song "Its Getting Boring By The Sea" on the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack.

I'm being good though. I'm listening to one song between every page and a half of transcription work. My mom is coming to visit this weekend so I need to get my stuff done for Slashcast before she shows up. And I also want to be able to make time to do some color stripping on my hair. I'm trying to get as much of the blue out as possible before I start trying to lighten all the way to platinum blonde. If I manage it, I'm gonna do my whole head in a pastel pink. SO EXCITED!

I love that I can get away with crazy hair because I work at a bookstore. In case anyone is curious, there's a crappy picture of some of the blue hair below the cut. And a picture of what I'm aiming for.

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So I got to meet little OMG today. And y'all, she is the most adorable thing ever. I'd been hearing that she was a big baby so in my head, I think I was imagining like a 6-month old or something. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she was still adorably itty-bitty. Though she does have these ridiculously long feet. I've decided she should be an Olympic swimmer or something.

It was nice being able to visit her and her parents at their home rather than the hospital. It was fun four hours of hearing all about their new baby adventures. They're an absolutely hilarious couple who have had such an insane week that no topic is off-bounds and I heard things I never wanted to know, told in the most comedic fashion possible.

I will say, it put a few points in the "I should probably adopt" column. There is nothing that is elegant or modest when it comes to childbirth. *shudder*

But I also realized, while I was holding that soft warm ball of life, that blood and genetics don't make a difference. I imagined myself in a hospital corridor, being handed this baby, and being told "she's yours now." And I don't think I could have loved her anymore if half of her DNA was mine. Its just this tiny life that needs someone to care for it. And it doesn't matter if the genetic makeup matches up, or if a baby has two moms or two dads.

Its funny how we're programmed to look after these helpless, little lives. Every time she cooed, our three heads would whip in her direction. After I'd been holding her for awhile, she started fussing and then all out crying and this little piece of my monkey brain was like "is she hungry? is she cold? how do I comfort her? what does she need?"

It was nice to realize that I wasn't completely useless with her. I didn't outright throw her at her parents when she started hollering. But I'm also quite sure that its a few years before I want to be responsible for one of my own. I'm 27 so I feel like that instinct should be out in full force, but I'm really quite alright putting it off. I'm happy to dote on the children of others for now.

Her mother did share with me (I can't believe my friend is now a MOM! WOW!) that because little OMG is so big, she wouldn't fit into any of the newborn clothes she had. So they actually brought her home in the 0-3month outfit I picked out for her! Its this cute little pink and yellow number that says "Daddy's Little Girl" and has a ruffle on the butt. It was part of a larger basket I gave my friend at her baby shower, but I made sure to throw something in for the dad.

Its been a crazy week.

I went and saw Hunger Games last night. I was actually first in line at the theater. 7 hours early! I don't mind though. When the last Harry Potter movie came out, a friend got there 10 hours early so we'd have first pick at the seats and she even held a spot for me. So this time, I was the one off work for the day and they were all busy. It wasn't a bad wait though. I read some Sherlock Holmes and finished listening to Series 3 of Cabin Pressure (so many feelings!) I thought about bringing my laptop and working on some transcription work but the teenagers in line were SOOO loud that I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything.

The movie itself? Yeah, still not sure how I feel about it. I ADORED the casting, it was absolutely perfect. But there were some pacing and character development issues. I'll probably go see it again next weekend with my mom and I may have a better opinion then.

In other exciting news, one of my best friends just had a baby! AWWW! I've had quite a few coworkers lately starting families and I'm at the age where almost weekly I'm getting baby announcements from old classmates on facebook. But this is the first like BIG friend-having-baby moment. And its great because they're so ready. I love her and her husband so much. It wasn't an accident or a choice they made too early. They have their shit together and this kid is going to be so freaking lucky to have such amazing parents. I'm very much looking forward to spoiling this kid rotten!

I was worried that I'd feel weird because she's actually younger than me. And she has the house and the husband and now the kid, and I was worried I'd feel kind of down on myself for not having any of these things yet. But I'm not. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that there's not even the smallest ounce of jealousy! I am so completely and absolutely happy for them!

I'm gonna try and visit them at the hospital tomorrow since I don't have to be at work until later. Should be interesting. I'm not the biggest fan of hospitals, especially the one she's at (its where I had my cardiac arrest) but I really want to go see this baby. I probably haven't even held a baby since my brothers were babies themselves!

Did I mention that her initials are OMG?! How cute is that!

I hope nobody minds that I'm posting to my LJ more often lately.

I'm trying some homegrown aversion therapy or something. See, I've been fighting some really high levels of anxiety for the last few weeks. Fortunately, and also unfortunately, its just related my circulatory problems. My blood pressure drops and my body fires off a ton of adrenaline to counteract it. So suddenly, like being blindsided, I feel like I want to climb up the walls and then go hide in the smallest, darkest corner of the universe.

I've had problems with anxiety for most of my life. I had a worrier for a mother which certainly rubbed off on me. I went through a really rough time of it in high school and college, but once I got out of school and out of the crappy relationship I was in, things started to turn around. I sill have those irrational, anxiety-driven thoughts but I'm usually pretty quick to talk myself down.

But yeah, like I said, from a chemical standpoint its gotten harder lately. I can be curled up with a good book, a cup of tea, my favorite candle burning nearby and then just be hit with the worst feeling of panic and dread (according to my doctor, the dread feeling actually comes from the sudden decrease in oxygen flow to the brain which causes the drowning/suffocation sensation). And its so easily to give in and just curl up into a little ball of self-loathing. But I can't keep functioning like this so I'm trying to fight back.

Sitting down at a keyboard to share my thoughts has always been a huge stressor so that's why I'm writing here more. I come home from a long day at work, I eat, the food triggers a blood pressure drop, the drop triggers the adrenaline, the adrenaline triggers the anxiety and this time I force myself to type up something here. And so I write and I realize that the world won't end if I sit down at a keyboard and suddenly big scary anxiety looks kind of silly. Its like my own Patronus charm. Instead of giving in and feeling sort of crappy for an hour or two, I feel extremely crappy for five minutes and then it passes.

Ah, I'm actually feeling better already. So thanks to everyone for tolerating my daily ramblings. It really does help.

Guess who has her Hunger Games midnight tickets ready to go? 

Well, actually, I've had them for over a week now.  Gotta say, I'm looking forward to hanging out with all my bookstore ladies.  We had a blast being the front of a very long Harry Potter line when the last movie came out.  The movie theater employees were much entertained by our costumes and Harry Potter themed Clue and Legos.

Honestly, I don't think The Hunger Games is great fiction like Harry Potter.  But I did think the first book was a delicious read.  I'm still stumped as to how an author managed to end every chapter with a cliffhanger which resulted in me rolling over at 5am and wondering when was the last time I'd stayed up all night reading (this was pre-insomnia Shanna.)  The sequel was more of the same though its not as fun the second time around.  The third book?  Yeah, I still can't talk about how disappointed I was in the finale.

So, let's say you've finished The Hunger Games and need some more fun teen dysutopians (yeah, I tried to resist the urge to ask "hungry for more?" but I can't be faulted for not being able to turn down a perfectly good bad pun!)

Maze Runner by James Dashner
For me, this is the ultimate book to read after The Hunger Games.  It may not have the same addictive quality right off the bat, but its a story that just grows and becomes more and more convoluted until you're screaming at the book because you don't know who the good guys and the bad guys are anymore!  I've had quite a bit of success by describing the book as "Lord of the Flies meets LOST."  The trilogy is complete and the final book was incredibly satisfying.  Recently, a prequel was announced with an August release date and you better believe my calendar is marked.

Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
I actually read this series before The Hunger Games.  I really liked how this series read despite having some pretty heavy-handed messaging.  Our protagonist is a very reluctant hero who really wants to stick with the status quo and enjoy the happy, easy life that has been promised to her.  Her evolution was treated incredibly well and I found it quite believable.  I will say that the sequels never quite lived up to the first book, but still a fun and quick read.  Its also very worth checking out the companion book, Extras, which is set some years after the finale of the series.  It does great of integrating the problems of social media and playing up the drama of being part of the YouTube generation.

Matched by Ally Condie
When I first heard about this book, I was ready to skip right over it.  But a coworker told me to give it a chance and I was pleasantly surprised.  Yeah, the whole teen love triangle thing is ridiculously tired but what I really love about this series is its incorporation of art and poetry.  Its the kind of story that really elevates the power of enjoying and creating art.  Sometimes the writing does it REALLY purple, but I appreciate the intention.  The first two books are out and now we're just waiting on number three.

Rot & Ruin by Jonathan Maberry
This is alittle different from the other recommendations because its a post-apocalyptic zombie story.  And if y'all didn't know already, I love zombies.  However, I HATE bad zombie books which is why I was so glad to find an excellent teen zombie series.  Again, I'm a sucker for reluctant heroes.  I think its great to depict teens who don't start out with all the right intentions of saving the world and doing great things.  Its more powerful when you see someone learning the truth behind their assumptions and having to alter their own world view.  How they deal with being wrong is what proves whether or not they're ready to grow up.  The first two books are already out and after reading how the second one ended, I'm SOO ready for the finale.


You may have noticed that I did not link to any websites where you could buy this book.  As a bookstore employee, I urge you to visit your local bookstore where you can pick up these books and get loads of other recommendations from booksellers like me.  I love my job and I love my customers and I love my community.  I couldn't be more thankful that I am not some underpaid, faceless drone working in a warehouse for an online company that couldn't care two cents about what I read the day before.  Supporting your local bookstores, whether they're large, indie, or used, means that I get to keep my job and my health insurance.  It also means I get to enjoy those little moments when I find the right book for a young reluctant reader or help an elderly lady carry two full sacks of books to her car.

More insomnia. 

I whine about the cold all through winter but I always forget how obnoxiously hot it gets in the summer.  I've got my AC cranked to the point that my electric bill will be, without a doubt, twice as high as what I'm budgeted for, and yet I'm still sweating.

So its just Jade and me chilling.  The tv, as usual, is on but set to mute.  It just unnerves me when its off entirely.

Jade is my parrot.  Sometimes I forget that she's a parrot.  I forget that I'm exotic pet owner.  She's more like a cat.  I always wanted a cat growing up but I'm terribly allergic.  My mom used to help out a friend who had a pet-sitting business and I use to tag along.  Cats hated her but they always got along well with me, even if they didn't get along with my sinuses.  At my highest tolerance level, I could pet a cat for half an hour and as long as I didn't touch my face before I washed my hands, I could get by with the smallest of sniffles.  Now that I'm not regularly around cats, even being in a house where a cat once lived is enough to send me diving for the anti-histamines and I'm type that can hardly be bothered to keep a couple of advil lying around.

Instead of getting me hairless cat, my mom got me a parrot.  Looking back, I honestly don't know how she thought it was a good idea.  I was 12 years old which means I've already owned this bird for more than half my life and she's still only middle-aged.  Its not even like she's a cockatiel or a budgie.  She's a freaking quaker.  They're like the border collies of a bird world.  Loud, needy and easily bored.

Gawd, she's like a feathery Sherlock.

But like I said, I forget she's a bird.  I forget she's not the run of the mill pet.  Fifteen minutes ago she was content to lick my fingers.  Ten minutes ago, she was wedged up under my chin making kissing noises.  Five minutes ago she was sitting on my shoulder grinding her beak (its the bird version of purring.)  Now she's tucked into her cage for the night but she's still blowing kisses because she can hear my typing away on my keyboard and she's trying to lure me into letting her out again.

She's a small, feathery, manipulative cat. 

As far as roommates go, she's not half bad.  She makes a ton of noise, she eats my food, but she doesn't bring strange men home so there's that.

Gawd, I wish I was tired.  I have to get up in 4 1/2 hours for work.  Maybe I'll put on some cello music and hope for the best.

MMmmm.  Tea. 

A girl at work turned me onto a drink called "London Fog."  Apparently, they used to make them at Starbucks and while they aren't on the menus anymore, they're not that hard to whip up.  She makes hers with no water, all soy, extra vanilla syrup, and then one earl grey tea bag.  I had them use two tea bags, one part water, two parts vanilla soy, extra hot.  And omigod, its like heaven in my mouth.  I've downed one and I think I can probably re-steep these bags to get atleast one more strong batch out of them.

My insomnia and general sleep has been pretty crappy lately and instead of fighting it, I think I'm gonna feed it a bit.  I'm not supposed to drink caffeine and while I'm okay with giving up coffee and soda, you'll have to pry my tea from my cold dead fingers.  So tonight I'm going to give myself a black tea overdose.  For the last three weeks I've been staying up until 4 or 5am and then getting small breaks of off and on sleep until I get up and drag myself to work.  Basically, I'm a zombie.  I can't sleep but even when I'm awake I'm not at all productive.

So if I'm gonna be awake all night, I'm gonna be caffeinated to the point that I can get some shit done.  I have an apartment to finish cleaning and some serious work to get caught up on. 

And for exciting news, after putting it off for almost a year, my mom and I are going to start planning our trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  We also want to take my younger brother but its been difficult planning around his school holidays (they're on a different schedule than any other university in the state) and then my mom wanted to take an early trip to Hawaii for her wedding anniversary.  And then we have to plan around my dad's travel schedule (he's out of the country several weeks out of every month.)  Its alot to collaborate but right now we're looking at June.

I'd been hoping to avoid going during the summer because the heat is going to make me incredibly sick, but considering the long winter we had, it should be tolerable.  Atleast, more tolerable than going in July or August.  So for now, my job is to research disability passes.  The heat is a problem but I'm more worried about standing around in line.  I'm fine if I can walk and keep moving, but standing in one spot always makes me light-headed.  I've heard Disney is very accommodating but that Universals is alittle more specific.

I also have to find the right time to break it to my mother about my skull tattoo on my calf.  I've been hiding it for two years but I'll be damned if I'm wearing pants in June in Florida.  She won't be angry but she won't be happy.  More confused.  *sigh*  She'll probably freak out about it being a skull before she freaks out about it being another tattoo. 

Of course, if she doesn't freak, it'll only just make me want to get my arms tattooed.  I've been holding off because they'd be such a pain to hide but if she truly doesn't care, I'll probably start saving for it.