And I'm Out
Jan. 23rd, 2017 08:58 pmA dear friend attempted suicide this morning and I have been preoccupied all day long. Which meant that my entry didn't get finished and posted. Good luck everyone!
Week 5 Write Off: Open Topic
Jan. 19th, 2017 04:56 pmI was always "the skinny girl". Even at nine months pregnant I never went over 120 pounds. And I lost the baby weight immediately. So immediately that I actually wore normal clothes home from the hospital. So of course I got all of the jokes from my friends and how jealous they were that I lost the weight so easily.
In school I was picked on from being skinny. Everyone called me toothpick. And even my home ec teacher made a comment about "hating" me as we were measuring ourselves for our sewing project. I was accused of anorexia, bulimia, all of it. Truth was, I ate like a horse. I just didn't gain weight.
At work the others were constantly asking me how many hours a day I exercised and what diet I used. I didn't. I'm the girl who flunked gym class. No way was I working out. I just had a fast metabolism.
My mom kept telling me that after babies I'd gain weight. I didn't. That after I turned 30 I'd start to gain weight. I didn't. And I was completely comfortable in my skin. I posed for nude photos and got the enormous compliment of being included in one of Scott Church's books. I was confident. But not stuck up about it. It was just the way I was built.
Then several years ago I was put on an antidepressant called Remeron. Within just a couple of weeks I started putting on weight. I was wearing my husband's jeans because I couldn't button mine. It took me three months to get the doctor to take me off of that med. And in that time I went from 135 pounds to 160 pounds. I bought a treadmill. I dieted. Then my husband and I split up and with all of the stress I was under, the weight melted away. I could wear my favorite clothes again.
Eventually though I gained weight back. The constantly changing cocktail of medication for anxiety and depression had my weight on a roller coaster. And I tried every weight loss supplement and diet that came out. I'd lose a little and gain more back.
A few years ago I decided enough was enough. I refused to buy bigger clothes when mine stopped fitting. I joined a gym. And I went every single day. I altered my diet and started counting calories. And I got within ten pounds of my goal weight. And then I started having "female issues". (I'll spare you the TMI) My weight started to go up again no matter what I did. After an extremely embarrassing event at Hobby Lobby I made a doctors appointment. The doctor told me then that I was about 30 pounds overweight for my size. I told I knew that and that I had been working out and dieting. He told me to keep it up and made some other suggestions.
In August of 2015 I had a hysterectomy to put an end to those horrible lady issues and I had hopes that would also help with my weight loss. It made it worse. I've gained more weight. Another 43 pounds in a year.
I have two pairs of jeans that fit. One pair has an elastic waist so I pretty much live in them. I tried leggings but felt way too self conscious in them. When I'm in pictures now, I try to be at the back. Or just a head and shoulders shot.
I know some of you are reading this and thinking I don't know what being overweight really is. So you need to remember that this is my story and I'm not judging with anyone or competing with anyone. I am 78 pounds overweight. And I just can't lose it. I went back on ADD meds specifically to try and lose the weight because they kill my appetite. I lost three pounds.
I hate the way I look. A man at the store let me go in front of him because he thought I was pregnant. All of the weight is in my stomach. I do look pregnant.
I am so uncomfortable with how I look that I've only had sex once in the last 9 months. I don't want anyone seeing me naked. I avoid seeing myself naked. I wear the baggiest clothes I can find. I'm not comfortable in my own skin any more.
I've joined a gym again. I just need to start going. I need to try to curb the night time snacking. But Ambien gives me munchies worse than smoking pot ever did. I get up and eat without even knowing it. I don't eat a lot of sweets. I stopped eating meat awhile back hoping that would drop some of the weight. Nope. No change.
In a few weeks I go in for a colonoscopy and an egd. Hoping to find a reason for the weight gain and all of the bloating. My doctor thinks I may have internal bleeding somewhere and they're hoping to find that too if there is. I hope they do find what is going on. I'm bloated, I run out of breath doing even the smallest things, I weigh entirely too much, and I am miserable.
Everyone has their own definition of fat and I am living with mine. And if one more person tells me that I "carry the extra weight well" I may just go postal. No, I don't carry it well. I'm not blind.
I'm not the skinny girl any more. And every time I see someone who knew me when I was, I want to hide. I want to hide from myself.
But this is it. This is holding me back from things I enjoy. It's making me more depressed. It's keeping me from having any intimate relations because even in the dark that bloated stomach is still there. I have to find my way through this so I can go back to being ME again instead of being the numbers on the scale.
In school I was picked on from being skinny. Everyone called me toothpick. And even my home ec teacher made a comment about "hating" me as we were measuring ourselves for our sewing project. I was accused of anorexia, bulimia, all of it. Truth was, I ate like a horse. I just didn't gain weight.
At work the others were constantly asking me how many hours a day I exercised and what diet I used. I didn't. I'm the girl who flunked gym class. No way was I working out. I just had a fast metabolism.
My mom kept telling me that after babies I'd gain weight. I didn't. That after I turned 30 I'd start to gain weight. I didn't. And I was completely comfortable in my skin. I posed for nude photos and got the enormous compliment of being included in one of Scott Church's books. I was confident. But not stuck up about it. It was just the way I was built.
Then several years ago I was put on an antidepressant called Remeron. Within just a couple of weeks I started putting on weight. I was wearing my husband's jeans because I couldn't button mine. It took me three months to get the doctor to take me off of that med. And in that time I went from 135 pounds to 160 pounds. I bought a treadmill. I dieted. Then my husband and I split up and with all of the stress I was under, the weight melted away. I could wear my favorite clothes again.
Eventually though I gained weight back. The constantly changing cocktail of medication for anxiety and depression had my weight on a roller coaster. And I tried every weight loss supplement and diet that came out. I'd lose a little and gain more back.
A few years ago I decided enough was enough. I refused to buy bigger clothes when mine stopped fitting. I joined a gym. And I went every single day. I altered my diet and started counting calories. And I got within ten pounds of my goal weight. And then I started having "female issues". (I'll spare you the TMI) My weight started to go up again no matter what I did. After an extremely embarrassing event at Hobby Lobby I made a doctors appointment. The doctor told me then that I was about 30 pounds overweight for my size. I told I knew that and that I had been working out and dieting. He told me to keep it up and made some other suggestions.
In August of 2015 I had a hysterectomy to put an end to those horrible lady issues and I had hopes that would also help with my weight loss. It made it worse. I've gained more weight. Another 43 pounds in a year.
I have two pairs of jeans that fit. One pair has an elastic waist so I pretty much live in them. I tried leggings but felt way too self conscious in them. When I'm in pictures now, I try to be at the back. Or just a head and shoulders shot.
I know some of you are reading this and thinking I don't know what being overweight really is. So you need to remember that this is my story and I'm not judging with anyone or competing with anyone. I am 78 pounds overweight. And I just can't lose it. I went back on ADD meds specifically to try and lose the weight because they kill my appetite. I lost three pounds.
I hate the way I look. A man at the store let me go in front of him because he thought I was pregnant. All of the weight is in my stomach. I do look pregnant.
I am so uncomfortable with how I look that I've only had sex once in the last 9 months. I don't want anyone seeing me naked. I avoid seeing myself naked. I wear the baggiest clothes I can find. I'm not comfortable in my own skin any more.
I've joined a gym again. I just need to start going. I need to try to curb the night time snacking. But Ambien gives me munchies worse than smoking pot ever did. I get up and eat without even knowing it. I don't eat a lot of sweets. I stopped eating meat awhile back hoping that would drop some of the weight. Nope. No change.
In a few weeks I go in for a colonoscopy and an egd. Hoping to find a reason for the weight gain and all of the bloating. My doctor thinks I may have internal bleeding somewhere and they're hoping to find that too if there is. I hope they do find what is going on. I'm bloated, I run out of breath doing even the smallest things, I weigh entirely too much, and I am miserable.
Everyone has their own definition of fat and I am living with mine. And if one more person tells me that I "carry the extra weight well" I may just go postal. No, I don't carry it well. I'm not blind.
I'm not the skinny girl any more. And every time I see someone who knew me when I was, I want to hide. I want to hide from myself.
But this is it. This is holding me back from things I enjoy. It's making me more depressed. It's keeping me from having any intimate relations because even in the dark that bloated stomach is still there. I have to find my way through this so I can go back to being ME again instead of being the numbers on the scale.
Week Five: Fear Is The Heart Of Love
Jan. 15th, 2017 02:35 pmPeople ask, "Why do you have a reborn baby?" Or in my case, babies. But before they even ask the question, they have a preconceived idea about these dolls and the people who have them. Without knowing the true term for these beautiful babies or without ever holding one.
I reply, "Because the world is cold, heartless, and dark. It's in a baby's eyes that innocence can always shine through. It's the truth that despite the bad you face, there will always be a good. These babies will never get bigger, never say first words, never tell me they love me, never learn to walk or talk, never get married, never go to school, never graduate college, never travel the world.
It just means they will never get bullied, will never get their heart broken, will never witness another human beating another one, will never learn what a curse is, never witness the unkind and disregarding way that people treat one another. They'll never have to know poverty.
They comfort me in my times of need. Yes I may have my own kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But the days of being able to snuggle them in my lap or fall asleep with them lying on my chest are long gone. So please don't judge me for something that doesn't hurt my kids, myself, or anyone else. My babies all look different (except the twins). And they all have their own little personalities. Anyway, my OCD insists that everyone gets equal time and attention. So, I have started sleeping with them. Each baby sleeps with me for three nights, then they get dressed in day time clothes and put into the pack and play. Laugh all you want at the 44 year old woman who sleeps with dolls, but since I have started sleeping with them, I have seen a huge drop in my nightmares and night terrors. That has been huge.
These babies are so comforting and have made such a big difference for me. Just sitting and holding one eases my anxiety. It doesn't take it all away, but it does make a difference. They look so real and they are the weight of real babies.
I can't explain it. I guess it's something you have to experience yourself. All I can say is that discovering the world of reborns has been really wonderful for me.
Before you judge someone who has a hobby or interest you don't understand just remember, "He who judges has no safe place to exist. He who gets judged builds their safe place around them."
( Read more... )
I reply, "Because the world is cold, heartless, and dark. It's in a baby's eyes that innocence can always shine through. It's the truth that despite the bad you face, there will always be a good. These babies will never get bigger, never say first words, never tell me they love me, never learn to walk or talk, never get married, never go to school, never graduate college, never travel the world.
It just means they will never get bullied, will never get their heart broken, will never witness another human beating another one, will never learn what a curse is, never witness the unkind and disregarding way that people treat one another. They'll never have to know poverty.
They comfort me in my times of need. Yes I may have my own kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But the days of being able to snuggle them in my lap or fall asleep with them lying on my chest are long gone. So please don't judge me for something that doesn't hurt my kids, myself, or anyone else. My babies all look different (except the twins). And they all have their own little personalities. Anyway, my OCD insists that everyone gets equal time and attention. So, I have started sleeping with them. Each baby sleeps with me for three nights, then they get dressed in day time clothes and put into the pack and play. Laugh all you want at the 44 year old woman who sleeps with dolls, but since I have started sleeping with them, I have seen a huge drop in my nightmares and night terrors. That has been huge.
These babies are so comforting and have made such a big difference for me. Just sitting and holding one eases my anxiety. It doesn't take it all away, but it does make a difference. They look so real and they are the weight of real babies.
I can't explain it. I guess it's something you have to experience yourself. All I can say is that discovering the world of reborns has been really wonderful for me.
Before you judge someone who has a hobby or interest you don't understand just remember, "He who judges has no safe place to exist. He who gets judged builds their safe place around them."
( Read more... )
As I've aged this has gotten a bit better, but I am very impulsive. When I want something, there generally isn't much I wouldn't do in order to get it. This is great. Except I tend to look at the final outcome and focus on it more than I look at the steps I need to take to get there. I'm an instant gratification type of woman and when I want something, I want it NOW. Which means that when I have a goal I guess you'd say that I work backwards. And that's not always the smartest thing to do.
For instance, moving to NOLA. I've made a list of what I want and need in a home, I've found out how much movers will cost, I've planned how much I'll spend to buy a small SUV for the dogs and I to make the trip in, I regularly watch NOLA Craigslist to see what rent is running and where. Mentally, I am already there and moved in. One thing, this whole move hinges on my disability getting approved. If it doesn't, I'm pretty much stuck here in a place that I hate. See how I'm already way ahead of myself there?
Being able to see the big picture is a great thing. Focusing on just the end game? Not so much and I get myself in a lot of trouble doing that. But I'm (slowly) learning that I need to start at the beginning and move forward. Not start at the ending and try to figure out what I missed.
For instance, moving to NOLA. I've made a list of what I want and need in a home, I've found out how much movers will cost, I've planned how much I'll spend to buy a small SUV for the dogs and I to make the trip in, I regularly watch NOLA Craigslist to see what rent is running and where. Mentally, I am already there and moved in. One thing, this whole move hinges on my disability getting approved. If it doesn't, I'm pretty much stuck here in a place that I hate. See how I'm already way ahead of myself there?
Being able to see the big picture is a great thing. Focusing on just the end game? Not so much and I get myself in a lot of trouble doing that. But I'm (slowly) learning that I need to start at the beginning and move forward. Not start at the ending and try to figure out what I missed.
Week Three: Brushback Pitch
Dec. 14th, 2016 05:16 pmI had to look this up and apparently it's a baseball term. I know nothing about baseball. Except that it bores me to death. So, you won't be reading any baseball stories here.
I'll be honest, I wish I had a bye left because I am stressed to the limit right now. I guess I could compare it to the intention of a brushback pitch. One of the kids just got out of the hospital from being admitted to a psych ward so we've all been dealing with that. That all equaled a very small paycheck for Robert because he stayed home from work during that time. So, there is bill stress.
We changed phone companies and ATT wouldn't unlock our phones. They had no issue unlocking our ipads though. I spent $100 trying to get the phones unlocked. $100 that we really couldn't afford. But since Robert works on call, he has to have a phone. If he misses a call, he gets fired. It's a company requirement that he have a phone. We were phoneless for three days. Which meant that he had to take more time off work.
So now there is more money stress. Because by the time taxes and his child support come out of the upcoming check, we will probably get nothing or very little. And bills pile up so fast. Not to mention money Christmas. I am fighting to get refunds from the two companies I paid to get unlock codes for our phones, but I'm not making much progress.
And today, another one of the kids is going into the hospital for psych care. I feel so helpless and frustrated. I'm being pushed and pushed and pushed.
Every year around the holidays my life seems to explode and it looks like it will carry on this year. I want to go climb into bed with one of my reborns and hide from the world until the end of January. At least.
I hear all the time how strong I am. And I am. But it's not limitless. I just never get the chance to pull back from that strike zone and deal with my own issues and emotions. So, hear I am inside my little square. Trying not to strike out because I need to carry the team.
I'll be honest, I wish I had a bye left because I am stressed to the limit right now. I guess I could compare it to the intention of a brushback pitch. One of the kids just got out of the hospital from being admitted to a psych ward so we've all been dealing with that. That all equaled a very small paycheck for Robert because he stayed home from work during that time. So, there is bill stress.
We changed phone companies and ATT wouldn't unlock our phones. They had no issue unlocking our ipads though. I spent $100 trying to get the phones unlocked. $100 that we really couldn't afford. But since Robert works on call, he has to have a phone. If he misses a call, he gets fired. It's a company requirement that he have a phone. We were phoneless for three days. Which meant that he had to take more time off work.
So now there is more money stress. Because by the time taxes and his child support come out of the upcoming check, we will probably get nothing or very little. And bills pile up so fast. Not to mention money Christmas. I am fighting to get refunds from the two companies I paid to get unlock codes for our phones, but I'm not making much progress.
And today, another one of the kids is going into the hospital for psych care. I feel so helpless and frustrated. I'm being pushed and pushed and pushed.
Every year around the holidays my life seems to explode and it looks like it will carry on this year. I want to go climb into bed with one of my reborns and hide from the world until the end of January. At least.
I hear all the time how strong I am. And I am. But it's not limitless. I just never get the chance to pull back from that strike zone and deal with my own issues and emotions. So, hear I am inside my little square. Trying not to strike out because I need to carry the team.
No More Byes
Dec. 5th, 2016 12:56 pmNo more byes for me. I had this weeks topic almost all written and then lost it all. And apparently LJ no longer saves drafts of what you were writing. So, I have no more byes to use. EEk!
Things have been so hectic here though. My "stepson" was in the hospital and I had some stuff going on and it's just all been off. Hopefully now though things will get more back to normal because I am ready to write!
Things have been so hectic here though. My "stepson" was in the hospital and I had some stuff going on and it's just all been off. Hopefully now though things will get more back to normal because I am ready to write!
I am taking a bye. I started an entry for this and I just can't get it to come out smoothly.
If you've done Idol before you probably know me fairly well by now. If not, I apologize in advance.
So, let's see what I can think of to tell you about myself.
I live with my ex husband. Yes, it's as weird as it sounds and it's very long and complicated.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar 2, PTSD, and severe anxiety. I am also borderline agoraphobic. I'd be pretty content to just never leave the house. Needless to say, that means I don't really have much of a social life offline.
I have two grown kids. I am extremely close to my daughter but my son stopped speaking to me 7 years ago and I have no idea why. That really hurts and I miss him like crazy. Maybe someday he'll change his mind. I hope.
I have four dogs (and the ex has one). Three of mine are white Boxers and I have a Frenchton puppy. The ex's dog is a mix of English Bulldog, French Bulldog, and Pug. And she drives me nuts.
I filed for disability five years ago and I am still fighting to get it even though I am disabled in four different ways under Missouri Disability Laws. My case is currently at the Federal Court level and we're hoping to hear something this month. I am praying that they finally grant it so that I can get into therapy and I'll have some sort of stability of my own instead of depending on someone else for everything.
I also collect (and am learning to make reborn dolls. These are dolls that look extremely real. So real that I take them out in public with me and no one knows it's not a real baby. The ex is totally creeped out by them and I am not allowed to have them out when he is home.
My Idol entries are always written on what pops into my head when I read the prompt. I don't do much fiction so most of my posts are personal.
I am looking forward to another season of Idol and getting to know all of you!
So, let's see what I can think of to tell you about myself.
I live with my ex husband. Yes, it's as weird as it sounds and it's very long and complicated.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar 2, PTSD, and severe anxiety. I am also borderline agoraphobic. I'd be pretty content to just never leave the house. Needless to say, that means I don't really have much of a social life offline.
I have two grown kids. I am extremely close to my daughter but my son stopped speaking to me 7 years ago and I have no idea why. That really hurts and I miss him like crazy. Maybe someday he'll change his mind. I hope.
I have four dogs (and the ex has one). Three of mine are white Boxers and I have a Frenchton puppy. The ex's dog is a mix of English Bulldog, French Bulldog, and Pug. And she drives me nuts.
I filed for disability five years ago and I am still fighting to get it even though I am disabled in four different ways under Missouri Disability Laws. My case is currently at the Federal Court level and we're hoping to hear something this month. I am praying that they finally grant it so that I can get into therapy and I'll have some sort of stability of my own instead of depending on someone else for everything.
I also collect (and am learning to make reborn dolls. These are dolls that look extremely real. So real that I take them out in public with me and no one knows it's not a real baby. The ex is totally creeped out by them and I am not allowed to have them out when he is home.
My Idol entries are always written on what pops into my head when I read the prompt. I don't do much fiction so most of my posts are personal.
I am looking forward to another season of Idol and getting to know all of you!
Oops I Did It Again *Friends*
Nov. 3rd, 2016 04:57 pmYes, I have chosen to torture myself, and maybe you as well by joining in this season of LJ Idol.
A Grown Up Purchase *Friends*
Dec. 9th, 2015 08:54 pmJordyn picked up her brand new car today. A 2015 Ford Focus Titanium Edition. It's gorgeous. This is her first big purchase as an adult. And she negotiated it herself and got a great interest rate. Her payments are less than mine! Where did my baby girl go?
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}