Things have been more and more surreal lately, but in a good way. Well, sort of bad and good. Work has been a steady stream of concentration followed by a lot of praise lately. I talked to a guy named James, who had been previously been incredibly frustrated with our product and told us so. I first treated this like "oh another disgrunted customer who can't find his way around". I was pissed off, I had a pissed off day. Managed to injure my arm (mild muscle strain) trying to vent. Fuckin shit!
The next day was this past Friday. I cooled off, had a late morning..did some work from home while I slowly got ready for work and went off to finish the rest of the day. Talked to the once-infuriated James who actually seemed like a cool guy. He didn't look too old by his picture on his profile, maybe early 40s and was standing next to a very pretty girl (his wife he tells me later) with a tropical sunset behind them. A not so technical but hard-working marketing guy who was just laid off. Honest, and just fed up with things at the moment, things weren't working for him and he just wanted some help. I helped him with his issue which ended up being something wrong with Internet Explorer, and using Firefox seemed to make it work. James was ecstatic. He e-mailed one of my superiors right away after this, and put in a great word for me.
It seems James once upon a time worked for a startup during the dotcom boom, and they didn't end up making it. It won't always work out, and it might not even work out at the company i'm at. I guess this whole deal reassured me that I will be safe, even if this company doesn't make it. We will see. It's good to see people genuinely pleased though, on a regular basis. Which has been happening more frequently than not.
In other news? I want to go to Italy next year. Oh, and I made a new video. Bleak doesn't think it's as good as the last (Final Fantasy) one, but I like it a little more. Just for the fact I'm learning my mpc a whole lot more, and I was inspired to do so by a lot of videos I've watched recently:
hey look its me as of recently! updating pics on all social media sites. i like this one because it looks like i'm thinking or doing something important, but i'm not.
this week has been too much. i am at the end. finally.
that's what i had on a saved draft of. i'm not sure what i was talking about then. anyway bleak's law of moderation is correct. things are going awesome again, more or less because i haven't been sick for two weeks straight! WARM WEATHER KICKS ASS.
i also bought a new expensive toy (besides my Akai MPC, which has been hours upon hours of fun already), which I am going to play with as soon as it arrives. straight from tax money! i will probably post a short youtube demo.
or all this week. why? ok, i know why. but why such a delicate balance? and why the fuck am i sick so much lately? sometimes i regret not leaving for san francisco. i hate to say it, but lately i feel like i'm not supposed to be here and want to start over. even if it isn't san francisco. there is not many things left here to soothe me anymore, and i feel that might be dangerous. like i said before, it is good being fit and feeling sexy sometimes. but man, if i'm off that exercise drug for a week, i'm back to irrationality. it's hard sitting here. and coughing.
..but I will. OK, maybe not so much bragging just being elated that things are going well. But it's all been a complete mental game from the beginning. I have been doing ok. Better than ok. It has been a game, somewhat like a game of rock-paper-scissors, sometimes you're just winning every hand, but you always lose a few times along the way. That's how life has been for me lately. I have been working extra hard to put myself in an even more positive direction, ignoring an ugly part of myself when I can, practicing true concentration, raising awareness ever so slowly.. in all this time it's been a complete time warp. Sometimes dragging ever so slow, sometimes at rapid speed. It's more or less a happy medium right now, things aren't going too fast or too slow. Just right. Like the little girl finding the perfect porridge.
I remember talking about a run-in with a recent ex, and how I might've felt awkward, and blah blah. But I still remember her kind words. She told me I looked *good*. That emphasis. In the "I want to fuck you" kind of way. It helped me just a little bit. Put an evil grin on my face. The potential of this...
And then it struck me not too long afterwards. I had a routine that was working. I am turning into a SEXY BEAST.
But alas, that wasn't the main goal. My working out on a regular schedule is an instant antidepressant. A great one. Something I really hadn't put much thought into. My next goal is to have more music while at the gym too. I need an iPod armband thing again, I can't take much of that pop-shit they play much longer.
Oh yeah, I need to read more. But wait! I'm writing? Shit, so that kind of counts because I'm reading as I write this so it's perpetual reading. Sort of.
I still have many things I haven't finished and a few that I'll slowly get into. Music is going ok, even if it's just a wikki wikki here and a boom bap here, it's all good and fun. I might actually make a very "ghetto tech" dancey fun mix soon, since I have too much fun listening to it.
The weather is getting warmer. I am getting awesomer. I would like to give a shoutout to all the sexy ladies who may be reading this. You all look sexy too, and I mean it. Your achievements don't go unnoticed.
birthday is saturday, why is it so soon? to be honest, i don't really want to do anything on my birthday. i kind of just want to get lost.. i have daydreams of just posting up at some tropical area in a decent hotel just lounging around at the hotel bar then wandering over to the beach (possibly to scope some bikini'd females!). no friends, just me. solo. adventuring around.
but yeah, birthday coming up-- i don't really have any plans. i don't really care so much this year! but i might get a nice new knife set from my mom. i guess that's good. being 27 seems easy enough. no different than the past few years?
if anything i just feel.. wiser. with my newfound wisdom i have accomplished a lot, and fixed what was somewhat broken. in my head or otherwise. i want to do so much, the sheer anticipation of May 22nd, License Day, gives me chills! i want to go to places! drive when i want! go to record stores! possibly even go on DATES again!
and do a million other things i can't do right now.
In my latest adventures in being sick, i am now less congested (barely) but have developed a loud, raspy cough and subsequently lost some of my voice. I sort of sound like a mix between Marge's sisters and Mama Fratelli from Goonies. Awesome.
I'm not quite sure why I've done a 4-day straight LJ post-a-thon -- maybe because i'm sick? I don't really have much to go on about tonight. Today was mostly just brainstorming a lot of work, it was good, productive, learned some things, got frustrated, you know.. your normal day of work. I do overhear a lot of what goes on with co-workers families and such. Lots of talks about waiting at gymnastic lessons, needing to pickup the kids after school, planning a nice quiet evening with their wives, etc etc.. It seems to be a very family oriented company. I told them how my NYE went:
"Pretty good, decent sized party.. almost 40 people total. DJs, lots of booze, I had a great time!"
So they smile at me and reply,
"Must be nice being young and single huh? NYE for me is staying in with the kids and the wife. Nothing crazy anymore."
Right now it's really hard to imagine being anything BUT being young in the present right now. I've been single and doing my own thing for so long now, the idea of a FAMILY and KIDS (yet alone a girlfriend) seems so completely foreign to me right now. Not bad, just foreign. I can't really comprehend any of it. While time does seem to go by a bit faster these days, It's hard for me to picture what I would be like as some married family man. Yet a lot of my coworkers got married fairly young (from what I can tell) and have 2-3 kids already. The majority of my coworkers are between 32-38 or so, the youngest one being 23. I'm the third youngest there at 26.
So, I will remain young while I can. Doing the things a young, single guy can do. Like staying up til 1:30am writing about bullshit.
In a trio of sick day journal entries, this last day has probably been the most annoying.
It started off like any other normal day: get up, shower, go to work, but upon arrival I notice my nose was more akin to a snot faucet than any regular nose. This proved to be annoying not only by me, but probably most everyone working within 20ft of me. So I leave sometime after lunch and work mostly at home. Constantly sneezing. Going through tons of tissues. It seems I am immune to pseudophedrine as well?
When my allergies work in tandem with my cold, it feels mostly like a sinus nightmare. Luckily, this doesn't happen too often as I hardly get sick anymore. But being sick has put quite a restraint on me. I don't feel like doing *anything*. Tonight was more of an exception, when I sat down and listened to bunch of old music I grabbed a couple months back. Do you like old music? I do. I try to remain non-ignorant as possible when it comes to music, and this site has a lot. Mostly music from the 1930s/40s/50s. If you're into that type of stuff, go here: http://78records.cdbpdx.com/ Be warned, the torrent is 9.3gigs or so. There is A LOT of music in it--it took me about a day and a half to get it all. I like a lot of the old jazz / ragtime stuff that i've listened to so far.. but it's amazing what else you'll find. There are a few things I wanted to sample whenever I get around to it (not far off from now) but now I'm mostly just listening to it all.
The weather must have not gotten the message about Spring. I guess it is slightly warmer, but I am waiting for the 60 degree days of non-cloudy skies. My body certainly got the message and I am hit with massive allergies. Today I stayed home from work, but it wasn't exactly one of those Ferris Bueller type days we all dream about having. My day off consisted of me staying awake throughout the night, unable to fall asleep due to severe congestion and trying every single thing to breathe easier. Even now I am sneezing quite often! Well, the allergies are a big nuisance but I think I will survive.
This post was not about allergies! It was something that I am losing sight of: My own personal drive. Goals, achievements, something new to look forward to. Lately I have just been kind of stuck. I haven't been happy, I haven't been sad, I have been teetering on a fine line of mediocre apathy that has just kept me here in the present. Waiting, staring, but not really encouraged to do much of anything. I suppose it's important to make small goals for yourself here and there, since looking at the bigger picture can sometime be overwhelming. If you just create the goals in only the large scheme of things, you will often lose interest on whatever you are trying to achieve and most likely quit. I can say that I am guilty of doing this quite often. Right now I am trying to make both short and long-term goals, but what's surprising is the lack of, well, any motivation...
I don't want to go out (soon i'll be unable to anyway), I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to drink, get high, eat healthy, go to the gym, practice music, anything. I feel like some of these things are good ideas but once again, no motivation! Maybe I am not in the right mind anymore? It's almost like I'm putting together another jigsaw puzzle but after not finding a few pieces I just walk away.
What do some of you do when you feel like this? I don't think I'm the only one who has been down this path.
tired
hungry
awesome
sick