Sessa

Forgot to take my adderall before work tonight. Suffering. So tired. Not even half way through my shift. Seriously thinking about cutting out early. I don’t know what shape I’ll be in tomorrow morning when I have to drive the kids to school. Trying to caffeinate but it’s not helping. Ugh.

But I thought this was interesting. Person is on the same exact drugs as me…which are to be targeted. Great. More shit to deal with.

https://minnesotareformer.com/2025…

So depressed tonight. Gonna be a slog to get through the night. I was so tired but got up six hours before work and couldn’t get back to sleep. Ugh.

I just bought myself a Shepard Fairey screen print for $500…I sold the same print about 12 years ago for $330 so I could put the money towards an engagement ring. I regretted it ever since. I loved that print. I bought it back in 2008 for $50. I hung it on my wall and enjoyed it every day. I sold it and bought an engagement ring and eventually got married and divorced. Ever since, I wanted that print back. And now I will have it. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I feel like I’m piecing myself back together. Can’t wait to have her back.

I posted my first Facebook/linked in post in like, four years. I’m trying to put it out there that I’m not completely broken, or lost. My therapist constantly tells me how far I’ve come….but I started from the absolute bottom, so when I look side to side, I don’t feel like I’ve come far enough. I need some new goals. Ones that will give me confidence, and make me proud of who I am. Making my kids happy and having a genuine positive connection with them is one of those goals. Improving my living condition is another one. Possibly moving to the day shift is another. Making sure I have a plan in place for when my vehicle dies is another. Improving my friendships and making new connections.

Yeah. I guess I have some goals.

Facebook post:

Three years ago during serious emotional turmoil I decided to go back to school at age 44. I was hating the jobs I was applying for: management positions mainly in the food industry. The local community college had a program that focused on engineering and automation, two of my passions. I graduated a year and a half later with a 4.0 and a degree/certificate in automation technology. That helped me land a job that I love, where I get to work with my hands, fix things, learn something new every night, and work with a great team. One of the best decisions I ever made.

Don’t be afraid of taking a pay cut. Don’t be afraid to drive an extra 15 minutes. Having a job you love is worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2…

I wish Facebook didn't suck so much so I could post this over there...
Anyways...I built out this playlist in youtube. Will be doing it monthly, I think.
The purpose of the playlist was to allow me to download it, go for a hike, and get my cry on...then get back to life.

I need to cry lately. I've got SO MUCH to deal with. But I do know that purging a little helps. So about 5 of these songs turn on the water works for me. 5 of them pump me up, and make me want to conquer the world. Here's a breakdown:

We the People - Tribe Called Quest - Love the Ramen noodle lyric. Love the scenes with Phife. I found that Tribe is one of those groups that bring all the people in the plant together.

Arcade Fire - Creature Comfort - Like I said last entry...loving the new album. Love the lyrics. Gets me pumped.

Bruce Cockburn - Last Night of the World - Yes, cockburn. a holdover from my old christian job. Loved this song, but will be over it by next month. Guy just played Boulder. Kinda wanted to go, but broke as fuck.

Van Morrison - Days Like This - love van morrison. Have him as a Pandora Station. This is an upbeat song to remind me that we're in the shit.

James Taylor - Fire and Rain - This is when I start to lose it. Fire and Rain is kinda a bipolar anthem. I've been dealing with it a lot with minor success. This song helps me remember that there's some sort of hope.

Chris Stapleton - Tennessee Whiskey - I've been trying to slow down/stop drinking...with a good amount of success. This song reminds me that I'm not the only one struggling.

Bruce Cockburn - Wondering Where the Lions are - another one of his that I love. I equate the lions to all the big, bad thoughts that can hurt you if you're not prepared for them.

Neil Young - Harvest Moon - I just like this song. I believe someone plays the broom. The broom > A Cowbell.

The Barr Brothers - Let there be Horses - I love the Barr Brothers. Loved the Slip, love these guys. I saw them play their hearts out at RPI for about 6 people. This song has this great lyric that hits me..."As if God and the Devil struck a deal / saying “You can have this one / after I’m done”.

Warren Zevon - Keep me in your heart - This is when I start crying again. It reminds me of dad. Its meant to.

Cat Stevens - Father and Son - another Dad song. I wanted to play this at his funeral. He loved Harry Chapin's "cat's in the cradle"...but this song is the one that hits me and makes me want to play an acoustic guitar and cry.

fun. - Carry On - I fucking cried to Fun. the other day. The "I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back" is one of my favorite lyrics ever. The whole song reminds me to...fuck, Carry On.

Tide Turns - Phish - The new album is 50/50. This is one of those songs that is upbeat, but still makes me cry. Trey has gone through some shit the past decade...much like myself. Battled substance abuse problems. Lost his sister. Almost lost his job a few times. haha. Anyways, this one makes me believe that once I get my shit together...and even if i don't, I'll still have friends who will be there to support me. yep.

LCD Soundsystem - All my Friends - I just love how this song builds. And builds. And the lyrics are perfect for this 40 year old dad over here. I even cried to this one. If I cry while listening to a song, its making the cut these days.

Daft Punk - Lose Yourself to Dance - Love the Neo-Funk. Love how horrible the video is. The Library had Random Access Memories, and I ripped the whole album. Gets me pumped.

Having one of those "oh, so this is your life now...that's cool" moments tonight.
Generally new year's eve is spent drinking heavily, pumping your body full of horrible chemicals...all out debauchery.
Tonight I put the kiddo to bed, made a dope ass casserole, and popped on the live phish feed and cracked a solid beer.
Gonna rock out some end of the year paperwork, bill for my time, and take care of my wife...who isn't feeling too good tonight.

and this is okay. this is life now, and I'm totally cool with that.

I don't get much sleep these days. I'm in charge of the kid at night, and its very draining. Then I go to work, and its very draining. I'm not as good as I used to be at my job due to the lack of sleep, and keeping regular hours due to the family commitments, but that's okay.

Holy shit, that casserole was tasty. Quinoa, Broccoli, chicken and cheese. You would love my casserole.

I'm in a good spot. I still get soul crushingly depressed. I still drink waaaay too much...but its classy high end beers, so its okay. I still don't pleasure my wife properly, but I've got a really good relationship with my family, and her family, and I love my kid. The people at my job love me, and business is good. Next year we're looking for a house, and the brewery is expanding. The kid can stand on his own. And This casserole is fucking tasty.

I'm 37. I'm going grey. I'm in phase 2 of life. That's okay. Its not that bad.

Happy New Year, bitches.

Boo.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

holy fuck i love my new job.
I might not be brewing alcohol, but I'm brewing, dammit.

I was hired to label/ship out orders...which I've been doing...but I guess my ability to pick things up quickly/rock out on a bottling line has made the boss take notice, and for the past few days, I been learning how to brew, bottle, clean the lines, etc...everything from start to finish. I'm very happy. Last week I worked 8 days straight...tomorrow I have to head in at 6 in the morning to turn the kettle on so we can brew up a batch of chai and bottle it, then stick around to clean all the tanks, bottling line, etc afterwards.

I'm very happy. Learning so much. Working my ass off. Feels great.

summer sunlight rays
long languid fingers
reaching
like prawns
across dawn skies into windows curtains drawn
bed lying curled and tired
awake
yet contemplating

tones of music softly sulking
into phrases gently haunting
deeply moving into depths remembered
our lips move
kissing lyrics pursed
until our memories fade
and we arise