The Misadventures of The Prime Directive

Long overdue but I have been distracted! Most of you guys may remember this from the to_boldly_rock party. But here it is again all in one piece.

The Cheezburgian Debacle: Part 1 - The Leather Pants

I

It all started with a pair of leather pants.

Scotty supposed, in hindsight, that they should have expected Jim to show up in leather pants. He had owned a motorcycle at some point in the past. It was just that no-one could have expected them to be quite so tight.

'Dayum!' hissed Uhura. 'How did he manage to fit, you know, himself, in those?'

Scotty wasn’t sure if she was looking at the Captain in horror or appreciation. Come to think of it Scotty wasn't sure if he was looking at the Captain in horror or appreciation.

Horror, he decided. Definitely horror.

'Here's what I think!' Jim was saying enthusiastically. 'We call it the "Leaves Little to the Imagination Tour"! It will be epic!'

Bones swallowed. He seemed to have some difficulty keeping his eyes on Jim's face. 'You keep saying that word, Jim. Are you even sure you know what it means?'

Chekov was making odd squeaking noises and clutching at Sulu's arm as if it were a lifeline. He dragged the pilot over to where Scotty and Uhura were standing.

'Zere is no - no, no, no -' he gestured wildly in the general area of Jim's rear.

'No panty lines' Sulu whispered conspiratorially.

Scotty found himself looking despite his better judgement. There weren't.

'Doesn't that stuff have to - you know breathe?' asked Uhura.

'Look,' said Scotty. 'We've been through a lot together but honestly; can we please stop discussing the state of Jim's bollocks?'

The other three gasped! For a second Scotty thought it was because of his bluntness but then realised it was because Jim was now demonstrating some sort of dance move to Bones that involved flexing and stretching and - Jesus Christ!

Little to the imagination? Try nothing.

'Aww, come on!' Jim was saying to Bones. 'Scotty, will do it with me! Won't you, Scotty!'

'Do what exactly?'

'Wear pants like mine. Haven't you been listening?'

'Well, I'm sorry Captain. I was a wee bit distracted by the outline of your todger!'

Jim glared at him.

'And if you wanted an answer. No, I cannae - will nae wear pants like those!'

Before Jim could retaliate Spock ran in with Captain Pike.

'Alright, alright. What's this emergen - oh mother have mercy!'

'Observe!' said Spock. 'If you will remember I had mentioned this previously!'

That was as close to the 'I-told-you-so dance' that Scotty supposed Spock was ever going to get.

"Where did you - Why would you - I - how?' finished Pike, staring with his jaw open.

'I think how is exactly what most of us are thinking,' muttered Sulu. Chekov nodded fervently.

'I don't what y'all are gawking at,' said Jim sulkily. 'You act like you've never seen a pair of pants before!'

'Pants!?' Pike exploded. 'Pants! So you are wearing pants? Good God, man. It looks likes you've just painted them on!'

Jim scowled. 'Now you're being ridiculous. They're just a little tight.'

'I believe that is an understatment,' said Spock.

'Tight pants are in right now! Come on, Uhura. You're a fashionable lady. Tell them tight pants are in right now!'

Uhura took a step backwards and held up her hands. 'Hey, leave me out of this. The less I have to do with you or your tight pants, the happier I'll be.'

'Right. Like you wouldn't wear them.'

'Excuse me? I can wear pants now? Because if I recall didn't you say on Aldebaran that as the "chick" I had to wear a skirt at all times?'

Scotty didn't think any one of them would ever forget that. The resulting row had lasted two days and ended with Uhura giving Jim a black-eye. The only saving grace was that it had been fascinating to watch Spock trying not to take sides and failing miserably.

'Aint like you paid any atten -' Jim's eyes glazed over and a look of rapture passed over his face. He had somehow received enlightenment. Either that or those leather pants were doing way too much for him.

'Leather miniskirts!' he gasped with orgasmic glee! 'Oh I am a friggin genius!'

Uhura put her hands on her hips. Scotty winced, preparing for the impact on his eardrums.

'If you think for one second I am about to -' She stopped as Spock held up a halting finger.

'It is my opinion that the Captain's idea is not without merit.'

'BOOYAH!'

'Say what?'

Bones started to laugh. Somewhat hysterically in Scotty's opinion. Captain Pike looked like his head was about to explode.

'That is to say -uhm - I do not think we should dismiss all of the Captain's suggestion offhand. At least not without some reflection.'

So the green-blooded one had a thing for leather mini-skirts. Well, that was fair enough. Scotty wondered if it was a biker thing... Jim used to be a biker. Shite! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! Augh!

Spock was looking at Uhura with an almost pleading look. Sulu and Chekov were whispering together. Scotty was tempted to go over and see if they were taking bets on what Uhura would do but decided to stay away in case they started talking about panty lines again.

Uhura was staring hard at Spock. Then she softened.

'I'll think about it,' she said grudgingly.

Jim grinned at Spock and flashed him the thumbs-up behind Uhura's back. Spock inclined his head and quirked his eyebrows.

Oh brother. If this turned out to be a elaborate wing-man ploy of Jim's to get Uhura in a leather mini-skirt for Spock, then Scotty was going to beam him somewhere nasty the next time he got into the transporter room.

Jim elbowed Pike in the ribs. 'See, Pikey. Spock thinks it's a good idea. You're down with the pants right Spock?'

Spock smirked at him - uh oh. 'Let me express myself in a way you will understand,' he said pleasantly. 'Fuck, no.'

Scotty cheered.

Jim gave Spock such a wounded look that you'd think Spock had just kicked his puppy.

Bones staggered up wheezing, still recovering from his laughing fit. 'Jim, how did you even get those on? You know forget it. How are you gonna get them off?'

'I can so get them off,' huffed Jim. 'Do you want me to take them off? Because I'll take them off right here and now -'

'NO!' They all shouted in unison, as one person. It would be almost poetic if it wasn't so disturbing.

'Not now!' Bones shouted sounding scandalised. 'After you've worn them all day - in - in fact, if you keep those on for the next twenty-four hours and then manage to get them off in the exact same condition they were when you put them on, then I'll wear the pants.'

'Really?' cut in Sulu. 'What? Those pants? Because I don't think he's wearing any underwear and after twenty-four -'

'Not those pants in particular. Just tight leather ones like those.'

'I vill also.' said Chekov. 'Is impossible they not shrink.'

'You think?' asked Sulu somewhat sceptically.

'Da, leather vas inwented in Russia. I know zese things.'

'Ok,' said Sulu. 'I'm in.'

'Wait, wait,' said Kirk looking a lot happier. 'So all I gotta do is wear these things for a day, then take em off and if they haven't shrunk you'll all wear em?'

Scotty sighed. 'Oh why not. There's no way you can keep them on for that long. They'd melt off!'

Jim looked slyly at Spock. 'No deal unless all of you agree.'

Spock shrugged. 'Fascinating, the lengths you would go too. Very well.'

Jim grinned. 'This is gonna be the easiest bet I ever won!'

Captain Pike shook his head and walked off the bridge mumbling something about how this job was driving him to an early grave.

Something poked the top of Scotty's head. He looked up and saw Keensar perched on top of one of the consoles.

'How did ye get up there, ye silly wee beastie?' asked Scotty. 'Get down!'

He patted Keensar's head when the alien climbed down. 'Well,' he said. 'At least one of us didn't get into this pissing contest. Come on. Let's get back to the transporter room where things make some sense.'



Chronologically this takes place before 'Captain Pike and the Epic Liner Notes'.

That's all for a few weeks. I off on vacation. I'll probably still be able to check my email but I don't expect to be posting at. I'll miss you guys!

Take care, Keep Boldly Rocking and Stay Dangerous BBs!