Epic Misadventures - Captain Pike and the Epic Liner Notes
Captain Fine and the Epic Liner Notes
Rating:- PG 13
Notes: Big tackle-hugs to
roses_of_athena and sector_12 for beta-ing this for me.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not making any money. Just for the Lulz.
Summary: Pike gets sneaky.
Part II: In which there are curious metaphors.
Captain Pike mentally counted to ten as they all started to discuss their Liner Notes loudly, at the same time. Alright. He was going to solve this colossal mess. If this didn’t work out, he would be the laughing stock of Starfleet. He was going to put things right. It was just a matter of solving one ridiculous problem at a time.
He whistled his ‘Captain’s whistle’. It was a shame having to bring the crew to heel like a pack of badly trained dogs but this was the one way that never failed.
Especially because Captain Fi-Kirk, dammit, seemed to be a little in love with it. The disturbingly besotted look on his face as he stared at Captain Pike only proved him right.
“You have got to teach me how to do that, man” he said. “It’s like the über-whistle. All other whistles pale in comparison. The über-whistle to other whistles is like a moon in a sky of lesser stars. The-“
“Yes, thank you.” Captain Pike cut in tersely, otherwise who knew how long Kirk would rhapsodise about it. One of the very few improvements to Kirk’s personality that the band had uncovered was a hidden poetic side. On the other hand he found the strangest things to get poetic about.
“Captain Kirk, I suggest you take control of your bridge.” Captain Pike held up a hand as Kirk opened his mouth. “No, I am not going to call you Captain Fine. This is a starship, not a rave. At this minute you are the Captain of it, not a teenage idol and I expect you to remember the distinction!”
Kirk looked a little abashed. “Geez, I get it man. You don’t have to be so harsh about it,” he muttered sulkily.
Yes, that boy definitely should have been slapped more as a child.
“Doctor, I suggest you return to the sick bay, I have a feeling I’ll be needing you to check my blood-pressure later. Mr. Scott, if you’re going to have a nervous breakdown, kindly do it in the engine room. Mr. Spock, I would like a word in private. If you would follow me?”
Spock looked vaguely surprised. It was hard to tell with Spock, but Captain Pike was beginning to recognise the Vulcan’s micro-expressions. The eyebrow twitch was a pretty good indication of surprise.
Captain Pike thought that it was probably best to get the easiest out of the way first. Not that Spock was going to be easy, but hopefully his logical side could be appealed to. Captain Pike wasn’t sure that Kirk even had a logical side.
“They aren’t paying me enough for this,” he sighed as he ushered Spock into his ‘office’.
“On the contrary,” remarked Spock. “I was given to understand that you had been offered considerable remuneration to oversee our recent musical endeavour.”
Pointy-eared bastard.
“I wouldn’t have thought that you placed much stock in rumours.”
“I do not. I was informed by a reliable source.”
“Would you care to elaborate?”
“I would not.”
Uhura then. She had probably helped in translating the documentation. Pike wondered if this was what passed for pillow-talk between them. Then he had to think about something else really quickly, because the thought of Spock engaging in pillow-talk was wrong on so many levels.
“It’s still nowhere near adequate. This rock-band business is obviously going to your heads. Dealing with all of you is like herding cats.” Cats, dogs. His similes were all over the place today.
“A curious metaphor,” said Spock. “Why would one engage in an activity that is clearly doomed to failure from the start? And yet, at their conception how many human designs seem ill-advised but lead on to fortuitous completion. I find it fascinating.”
“What I find fascinating, Mr. Spock,” Pike tried to be as scathing as possible. “Is that one who prides themselves on their ability to control their emotions should find them so easily compromised?”
“Are you referring to my –“ Spock paused. Anyone else would probably have winced at this point. “Liner Notes?”
“And whatever else was happening on the bridge earlier. And the incident two weeks ago. And that time in the Aldebaran system.“
“The Captain makes continual efforts to provoke me. I have attempted to reason with him civilly, as you can see at the commencement of my expressions of gratitude; however he frequently leaves me with no alternative.”
Pike supposed this was Vulcan for, ‘neener neener he started it’.
“He only does it because it provokes you. If you ignore him he’ll leave you alone.”
“He repeatedly makes derisive and disrespectful remarks about my mother.”
“Again, because it provokes you! Spock, you are an ambassador for your people. Surely you can maintain some diplomacy?”
“Occasionally Captain, diplomacy does not suffice. When negotiation and mediatory measures are inadequate it becomes necessary to adopt a more offensive strategy.”
Translation: sometimes when words don’t work, you just have to punch someone in the face and choke them until they pass out.
“Mr. Spock, have you considered controlling your temper?”
“I have been advised, by many parties, that to hold back my emotions may prove to be injurious to my health. Constant suppression of sentiments and passions can cause detriments to both the physical and mental well-being of a person and to those in close contact with him.”
Looks like Uhura had been working on him. Pike swore mentally. This is what happened when crew members started to date each other. No one should ever be allowed to have sex. Ever. That led to ridiculously uncharacteristic behaviour and to people having babies that would one day grow up, form a space-band and destroy his sanity.
“Couldn’t you at least try where the Captain is concerned?”
“I have exhausted myself with the effort!”
Pike suddenly had an idea. It wasn’t a very nice idea. In fact it would be distinctively cruel. It was also the sort of thing that Captain Fine would find hilarious if it was played on anyone else other than him. That clinched it.
“Won’t you sit down, Mr. Spock. There is something of a rather delicate nature I must discuss.”
“I would have rather not told you this,” he said, once Spock was seated. “But you leave me no choice. I believe Captain Kirk has a problem.”
“The Captain has many-“
“No, no. A psychological problem – well I don’t know if you could call it a problem per se, the horizons are a lot larger these days if you understand my meaning.”
“I am afraid I do not, Sir. Might I enquire – “
“Do you know what a fetish is, Mr. Spock?”
“It is an abnormal or irrational fixation, Captain.”
“Er – yes. You see I believe that Captain Kirk suffers from a fetish but is in denial about it.”
Spock looked a bit uncomfortable. Given that Kirk had been known to engage in some very questionable behaviour – Pike was never going to be able to un-see the incident with the latex gloves, motor oil and oranges – so if he was in denial about something it had to be bad.
“You tend to react in a certain way when he provokes you.”
“I do not quite – “
“You choke him.”
“I – “ Pike felt no small satisfaction watching Spock’s horror at the dawning realisation. “Oh.”
“Are you implying,” said Spock, in a rather higher pitch than usual, “That the Captain has an asphyxiation fetish?”
“Yes. And he is in denial about it. Now when done in controlled situations I’m sure there are ways to manage it sensibly but this way he’s going to hurt himself.”
“I believe you have arrived at a somewhat farcical conclusion.”
Translation: Bullshit!
“Think about it. You and I have both seen Kirk in bar brawls where he’s taken on men twice his size. He’s stood up against aliens with four times his strength. Yet when he fights you he doesn’t come out well at all. In fact you might say he isn’t even trying.”
“The Captain resists.”
“Token resistance.”
Spock contemplated this for a few minutes.
“In light of recent developments,” he said somewhat unsteadily. “Perhaps I shall redouble my attempts to not rise to the Captain’s taunts.”
“That would be good,” said Pike. “You and Kirk do get along quite well otherwise. Would you like to talk to –“
“NO! Er – I mean as his First Officer, I do not feel it would be appropriate.”
“I suppose not. This is probably going to be embarrassing for both me and him so do me a favour and don’t mention this would you?”
“Of course,” said Spock fervently. “I would be gratified if I never had to speak of this again.”
“That makes two of us,” said Pike struggling to keep a straight face by now. “On your way back to the bridge, perhaps you could ask Ensign Chekov to come and see me?”
Spock nodded and walked out as fast as decorum allowed. Pike spent a few seconds giggling like a little girl, although after what he had just accomplished he thought he could be excused the lapse in dignity.
One down. Six to go.
End Notes: I too am a little bit in love with the über-whistle. I do not know what happened during the incident with the latex gloves, the motor oil and oranges and perhaps it is better that none know. EVER.
This didn't feel as funny as the last one. Oh well, practise makes perfect and all that.
Rating:- PG 13
Notes: Big tackle-hugs to
roses_of_athena and sector_12 for beta-ing this for me. Disclaimer: Not mine. Not making any money. Just for the Lulz.
Summary: Pike gets sneaky.
Part II: In which there are curious metaphors.
Captain Pike mentally counted to ten as they all started to discuss their Liner Notes loudly, at the same time. Alright. He was going to solve this colossal mess. If this didn’t work out, he would be the laughing stock of Starfleet. He was going to put things right. It was just a matter of solving one ridiculous problem at a time.
He whistled his ‘Captain’s whistle’. It was a shame having to bring the crew to heel like a pack of badly trained dogs but this was the one way that never failed.
Especially because Captain Fi-Kirk, dammit, seemed to be a little in love with it. The disturbingly besotted look on his face as he stared at Captain Pike only proved him right.
“You have got to teach me how to do that, man” he said. “It’s like the über-whistle. All other whistles pale in comparison. The über-whistle to other whistles is like a moon in a sky of lesser stars. The-“
“Yes, thank you.” Captain Pike cut in tersely, otherwise who knew how long Kirk would rhapsodise about it. One of the very few improvements to Kirk’s personality that the band had uncovered was a hidden poetic side. On the other hand he found the strangest things to get poetic about.
“Captain Kirk, I suggest you take control of your bridge.” Captain Pike held up a hand as Kirk opened his mouth. “No, I am not going to call you Captain Fine. This is a starship, not a rave. At this minute you are the Captain of it, not a teenage idol and I expect you to remember the distinction!”
Kirk looked a little abashed. “Geez, I get it man. You don’t have to be so harsh about it,” he muttered sulkily.
Yes, that boy definitely should have been slapped more as a child.
“Doctor, I suggest you return to the sick bay, I have a feeling I’ll be needing you to check my blood-pressure later. Mr. Scott, if you’re going to have a nervous breakdown, kindly do it in the engine room. Mr. Spock, I would like a word in private. If you would follow me?”
Spock looked vaguely surprised. It was hard to tell with Spock, but Captain Pike was beginning to recognise the Vulcan’s micro-expressions. The eyebrow twitch was a pretty good indication of surprise.
Captain Pike thought that it was probably best to get the easiest out of the way first. Not that Spock was going to be easy, but hopefully his logical side could be appealed to. Captain Pike wasn’t sure that Kirk even had a logical side.
“They aren’t paying me enough for this,” he sighed as he ushered Spock into his ‘office’.
“On the contrary,” remarked Spock. “I was given to understand that you had been offered considerable remuneration to oversee our recent musical endeavour.”
Pointy-eared bastard.
“I wouldn’t have thought that you placed much stock in rumours.”
“I do not. I was informed by a reliable source.”
“Would you care to elaborate?”
“I would not.”
Uhura then. She had probably helped in translating the documentation. Pike wondered if this was what passed for pillow-talk between them. Then he had to think about something else really quickly, because the thought of Spock engaging in pillow-talk was wrong on so many levels.
“It’s still nowhere near adequate. This rock-band business is obviously going to your heads. Dealing with all of you is like herding cats.” Cats, dogs. His similes were all over the place today.
“A curious metaphor,” said Spock. “Why would one engage in an activity that is clearly doomed to failure from the start? And yet, at their conception how many human designs seem ill-advised but lead on to fortuitous completion. I find it fascinating.”
“What I find fascinating, Mr. Spock,” Pike tried to be as scathing as possible. “Is that one who prides themselves on their ability to control their emotions should find them so easily compromised?”
“Are you referring to my –“ Spock paused. Anyone else would probably have winced at this point. “Liner Notes?”
“And whatever else was happening on the bridge earlier. And the incident two weeks ago. And that time in the Aldebaran system.“
“The Captain makes continual efforts to provoke me. I have attempted to reason with him civilly, as you can see at the commencement of my expressions of gratitude; however he frequently leaves me with no alternative.”
Pike supposed this was Vulcan for, ‘neener neener he started it’.
“He only does it because it provokes you. If you ignore him he’ll leave you alone.”
“He repeatedly makes derisive and disrespectful remarks about my mother.”
“Again, because it provokes you! Spock, you are an ambassador for your people. Surely you can maintain some diplomacy?”
“Occasionally Captain, diplomacy does not suffice. When negotiation and mediatory measures are inadequate it becomes necessary to adopt a more offensive strategy.”
Translation: sometimes when words don’t work, you just have to punch someone in the face and choke them until they pass out.
“Mr. Spock, have you considered controlling your temper?”
“I have been advised, by many parties, that to hold back my emotions may prove to be injurious to my health. Constant suppression of sentiments and passions can cause detriments to both the physical and mental well-being of a person and to those in close contact with him.”
Looks like Uhura had been working on him. Pike swore mentally. This is what happened when crew members started to date each other. No one should ever be allowed to have sex. Ever. That led to ridiculously uncharacteristic behaviour and to people having babies that would one day grow up, form a space-band and destroy his sanity.
“Couldn’t you at least try where the Captain is concerned?”
“I have exhausted myself with the effort!”
Pike suddenly had an idea. It wasn’t a very nice idea. In fact it would be distinctively cruel. It was also the sort of thing that Captain Fine would find hilarious if it was played on anyone else other than him. That clinched it.
“Won’t you sit down, Mr. Spock. There is something of a rather delicate nature I must discuss.”
“I would have rather not told you this,” he said, once Spock was seated. “But you leave me no choice. I believe Captain Kirk has a problem.”
“The Captain has many-“
“No, no. A psychological problem – well I don’t know if you could call it a problem per se, the horizons are a lot larger these days if you understand my meaning.”
“I am afraid I do not, Sir. Might I enquire – “
“Do you know what a fetish is, Mr. Spock?”
“It is an abnormal or irrational fixation, Captain.”
“Er – yes. You see I believe that Captain Kirk suffers from a fetish but is in denial about it.”
Spock looked a bit uncomfortable. Given that Kirk had been known to engage in some very questionable behaviour – Pike was never going to be able to un-see the incident with the latex gloves, motor oil and oranges – so if he was in denial about something it had to be bad.
“You tend to react in a certain way when he provokes you.”
“I do not quite – “
“You choke him.”
“I – “ Pike felt no small satisfaction watching Spock’s horror at the dawning realisation. “Oh.”
“Are you implying,” said Spock, in a rather higher pitch than usual, “That the Captain has an asphyxiation fetish?”
“Yes. And he is in denial about it. Now when done in controlled situations I’m sure there are ways to manage it sensibly but this way he’s going to hurt himself.”
“I believe you have arrived at a somewhat farcical conclusion.”
Translation: Bullshit!
“Think about it. You and I have both seen Kirk in bar brawls where he’s taken on men twice his size. He’s stood up against aliens with four times his strength. Yet when he fights you he doesn’t come out well at all. In fact you might say he isn’t even trying.”
“The Captain resists.”
“Token resistance.”
Spock contemplated this for a few minutes.
“In light of recent developments,” he said somewhat unsteadily. “Perhaps I shall redouble my attempts to not rise to the Captain’s taunts.”
“That would be good,” said Pike. “You and Kirk do get along quite well otherwise. Would you like to talk to –“
“NO! Er – I mean as his First Officer, I do not feel it would be appropriate.”
“I suppose not. This is probably going to be embarrassing for both me and him so do me a favour and don’t mention this would you?”
“Of course,” said Spock fervently. “I would be gratified if I never had to speak of this again.”
“That makes two of us,” said Pike struggling to keep a straight face by now. “On your way back to the bridge, perhaps you could ask Ensign Chekov to come and see me?”
Spock nodded and walked out as fast as decorum allowed. Pike spent a few seconds giggling like a little girl, although after what he had just accomplished he thought he could be excused the lapse in dignity.
One down. Six to go.
End Notes: I too am a little bit in love with the über-whistle. I do not know what happened during the incident with the latex gloves, the motor oil and oranges and perhaps it is better that none know. EVER.
This didn't feel as funny as the last one. Oh well, practise makes perfect and all that.