hello? (hello, hello)
is there anybody in there
just nod if you can hear me
is there anyone home?
just nod if you can hear me
is there anyone home?
(no subject)
i'm sitting at the kitchen table drinking ouzo, trying to explain to my 93 year old grandfather (who has alzheimers) who i am, and hoping my severely ill grandmother doesn't die in the hospital.
it's about as fun as it sounds
it's about as fun as it sounds
relax
About to go for a ride with my brother. Going to try to find a gift for my mom and also going to smoke a joint. I think the joint is preceding the mall which is always kind of exciting in a totally nerve-wracking kind of way. I hate being at the mall by myself, and it's only tolerable with company because then you can comment on stuff and it's just a bit more meaningful than roaming around by yourself like a zombie, eyeing things and wondering how much money you want to spend. I also just become extremely self-loathing when I'm at the mall by myself, and I have an intense hatred for everyone, myself included. I think working at Forever 21 exacerbated my resentment for mall culture.
Weed, of course, makes it hard to ignore how pathetic the mall and consumerism is on the whole, because that's just what weed does. But it also makes things hilarious, so hopefully I'll have a "ah how funny people are" and not a "ah how much I hate people" kind of evening. And I just took 6mg of valium (prescribed for physical issues not relating to my anxiety but I'm hoping it'll help that too a bit), so that will probably take the edge off and just make me smile at everything.
I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to weed. Psychologically, of course. That should go without saying but you never know, so I'm just saying it. It just feels so good, and I'm so goddamn restless all the time. I'm pretty sure once I make necessary changes that will improve the quality of my life, I won't be as dependent, but for right now, it's so helpful. I'm also fairly certain that I'm rationalizing my ass off but I'm pretty self-aware when it comes to self-manipulation tactics, and I do genuinely think that the addiction is just a symptom of a larger problem, and once that problem is fixed, the addiction will cease to be. I do genuinely love weed, but I would like to enjoy it more sparingly, and not feel so agitated when I don't have it.
Today is my grandma's birthday. She's been in the hospital for a while now, but she is coming home today, so... I'm really happy about that.
Work is going well. School is annoying. I'm not writing enough. I'm not being creative enough. I need to do more.
Weed, of course, makes it hard to ignore how pathetic the mall and consumerism is on the whole, because that's just what weed does. But it also makes things hilarious, so hopefully I'll have a "ah how funny people are" and not a "ah how much I hate people" kind of evening. And I just took 6mg of valium (prescribed for physical issues not relating to my anxiety but I'm hoping it'll help that too a bit), so that will probably take the edge off and just make me smile at everything.
I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to weed. Psychologically, of course. That should go without saying but you never know, so I'm just saying it. It just feels so good, and I'm so goddamn restless all the time. I'm pretty sure once I make necessary changes that will improve the quality of my life, I won't be as dependent, but for right now, it's so helpful. I'm also fairly certain that I'm rationalizing my ass off but I'm pretty self-aware when it comes to self-manipulation tactics, and I do genuinely think that the addiction is just a symptom of a larger problem, and once that problem is fixed, the addiction will cease to be. I do genuinely love weed, but I would like to enjoy it more sparingly, and not feel so agitated when I don't have it.
Today is my grandma's birthday. She's been in the hospital for a while now, but she is coming home today, so... I'm really happy about that.
Work is going well. School is annoying. I'm not writing enough. I'm not being creative enough. I need to do more.
today i am 23.
whatthefuck.
(no subject)
Dear depression & anxiety,
Fuck. The motherfucking. Fuck. Off.
Love,
me.
(i just use this thing to make cute edgy little posts like this nowadays lol)
Fuck. The motherfucking. Fuck. Off.
Love,
me.
(i just use this thing to make cute edgy little posts like this nowadays lol)
(no subject)
I am lord McEmostein, at your emo-licious service.
I'm sorry. Posting while drunk is like... not a good idea. Never has it been a good idea for any drunk person to do anything that may leave a lasting mark on sane, sober society. Actually, that's not true. Many fucked up people have contributed greatly by virtue of being fucked up.
But me? Feels like every time I'M fucked up, all I can manage to do is be insatiably horny and forward.
Vodka makes me want a girl in my arms. Thank god I have weed to temper the alcohol.
mermermer. I am so bored.
someone should come to NY and then message me and be like hey... we're livejournal friends... let's like, connect. and then i'll meet them and have some sort of indie movie friendship. the sort of awkward human engagement that makes movie goers squirm with vicarious thrills. hohohoho.
k. time for WEED because weed is good and always whispers fun things into my cranium. See you in a bit if it drives me back to this weird livejournal thingermajigger.
(no subject)
I feel a bit better lately.
My job truly is awesome. Realizing this has helped me pull my head out of my stupid ass. I really am lucky.
And I'm writing. Characters live in my head. It's the best feeling, to love these personalities you've conjured. It just doesn't work for me if I'm not feeling the characters. And too often I forget to simply just write what I love... And that's how those characters are born.
I'm on the train now, on my way to the city. I expect I'll have some downtime before meeting my boss at the loft. The urge to shop is so strong, yet I really should be saving. I found this site online that lets you order custom tailored gothic Lolita blouses. Yes please?!?! Come to mama, fitted vantage point collared shirts. <333
Meh. K. Non-sequitur moral of the story: it needs to be Sunday so I can watch the new
Breaking Bad.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
(no subject)
Saw 311 tonight. My friend's dad is some rich... dude... corporate... something or other, so we had a private box, and holy guacomole folks. In this weird twisted world where processed paper equals luxury and room to rest your feet, damn it feels good to be a gangster.
But seriously! We had our own little room with a table and chairs, sink, mini-fridge, and bathroom. Then we had our outside seating area. We got blazed and drunk beyond comprehension and I swayed to 311's music without a care in the world. I felt like I was in high school, 'cause a lot of 311's songs color that era for me. You know when you're at a certain age, when aspects of you start to come online, and the songs you're listening to at the time are forever defined by that period? That's how a bunch of 311 songs are to me.
Particularly All Mixed Up and Amber. When Amber played, I transcended. I was my 14 year old self, brimming with hope and uncertainty, and I was me, at 22, eclipsing that naivete with a contented smile. It wasn't painfully nostalgic, for once. It was nice.
They didn't play their Love Song cover this time. God knows that has memories for me. I have such baggage. It's crazy. I don't feel like that kind of person. I walk around feeling relatively detached and aloof most of the time. But there are certain experiences that really tether me to this earth, whether I like or not... and some music just brings that to the surface for me.'
Anyway.
Now I'm at Tom's. Sharon and I are DXMing. Well, I'm not really. I purged most of it up, lol. Meh. My body was like, stop! Please stop!
So Sharon's tripping under the covers next to me, and I'm her trip DJ. It's quite fun. I r gud at music!
Okay.
Bye.
:)
Edit:
When I said room to rest your feet, I was being literal. See: my resting feet.
(that's not 311 - it's Slightly Stoopid. 311 was much more dark, bright colored lights, general headlining band epicness)
But seriously! We had our own little room with a table and chairs, sink, mini-fridge, and bathroom. Then we had our outside seating area. We got blazed and drunk beyond comprehension and I swayed to 311's music without a care in the world. I felt like I was in high school, 'cause a lot of 311's songs color that era for me. You know when you're at a certain age, when aspects of you start to come online, and the songs you're listening to at the time are forever defined by that period? That's how a bunch of 311 songs are to me.
Particularly All Mixed Up and Amber. When Amber played, I transcended. I was my 14 year old self, brimming with hope and uncertainty, and I was me, at 22, eclipsing that naivete with a contented smile. It wasn't painfully nostalgic, for once. It was nice.
They didn't play their Love Song cover this time. God knows that has memories for me. I have such baggage. It's crazy. I don't feel like that kind of person. I walk around feeling relatively detached and aloof most of the time. But there are certain experiences that really tether me to this earth, whether I like or not... and some music just brings that to the surface for me.'
Anyway.
Now I'm at Tom's. Sharon and I are DXMing. Well, I'm not really. I purged most of it up, lol. Meh. My body was like, stop! Please stop!
So Sharon's tripping under the covers next to me, and I'm her trip DJ. It's quite fun. I r gud at music!
Okay.
Bye.
:)
Edit:
When I said room to rest your feet, I was being literal. See: my resting feet.
(that's not 311 - it's Slightly Stoopid. 311 was much more dark, bright colored lights, general headlining band epicness)
(no subject)
Idyllic life: Music. Reading. Games. Weed. Piano. Movies. TV. Comics. Cat. Food. Sex. Love. Repeat.
Going to Tom's in a bit. Going to get high and lost in Gaia with Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Steiner. That's Final Fantasy IX for you non-nerds.
Life is so strange... I feel so mentally dulled lately. I'm trying to friend that vibrancy again.
I'm kind of hoping I'll get it when I move out. By early next year, I hope to be moving into a new place in Brooklyn with Tom. Well, probably Brooklyn. Maybe Astoria. I know I'll be homesick, but I think I need the new scenery. I need my own place. I hope it will help, at least somewhat.
Work is going well. Have a bunch to do this weekend, but overall, things are going smoothly, I think. I love being a part of the crew over at Reality Sandwich. They're great.
Well... I should get ready now, I s'pose...
Does anyone have any cool movie or show recommendations they'd like to throw my way? Anime is welcome too, of course. Anything amazing, don't care about genre... just tell me why it's worth checking out.
Going to Tom's in a bit. Going to get high and lost in Gaia with Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Steiner. That's Final Fantasy IX for you non-nerds.
Life is so strange... I feel so mentally dulled lately. I'm trying to friend that vibrancy again.
I'm kind of hoping I'll get it when I move out. By early next year, I hope to be moving into a new place in Brooklyn with Tom. Well, probably Brooklyn. Maybe Astoria. I know I'll be homesick, but I think I need the new scenery. I need my own place. I hope it will help, at least somewhat.
Work is going well. Have a bunch to do this weekend, but overall, things are going smoothly, I think. I love being a part of the crew over at Reality Sandwich. They're great.
Well... I should get ready now, I s'pose...
Does anyone have any cool movie or show recommendations they'd like to throw my way? Anime is welcome too, of course. Anything amazing, don't care about genre... just tell me why it's worth checking out.
(no subject)
I am unearthly high.