I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. I haven't felt this insane since I got divorced. Well, maybe for the three days when I thought Joe was dumping me. But I want to leave this house and never come back. I want to stop looking at the wasted animal he's become and stop hoping that he's going to get better. Cuz when I come back he'll be all better. Which I know won't happen. But I want to do it anyway. And yet I want to hold him in my lap for next 24 hours. But when I hold him all I do is cry. He wants to jump on the coffee table and annoy me RIGHT NOW! But he can't do it. He'll want to jump on the couch and get in my lap. But I'll have to pick him up. He's getting worse so this is good timing. But I just can't imagine my home without him. I want to just get this over and done with and yet I want to tell her tomorrow that I can't do it. He trusts me and I'm taking him to die. But his care is expensive and his food is expensive. And he won't get younger. And he won't get better. But I want to keep him here at home where he belongs until he just passes. I'll carry him room to room. I'll put him on the couch. But the reality is that soon he won't be able to use his box. And he won't be able to eat with that bad tooth. He's never asked me for anything other than food and shelter and love. And I wish I could have given more/better of all those things. I'm out of options and it isn't fair.
I just don't know what to do with this goddamn cat. I'm so mad at him right now. I wish he'd just give up the will to live. But oh no!! He hollers at me for food. He wants to rocket through the living room to get to the kitchen. But unfortunately he can't so I see him tire quickly. And after he eats he just doesn't seem to feel well. And he doesn't clean off his face! So this morning I'm wiping food off his face/nose and he's batting at my hand like "bitch, quit it!" So he's feisty in general. But he just seems.... I don't know. He seems tired. But he's old for fuck's sake!
I have a call into the vet. This is day 3 of the Pepcid and he's still nauseous. Plus he has super bad breath. I may have to shell out the dough for one last blood test to see where he's at.....
Bijou continues to display symptoms of nausea. Now he’s drooling and I was worried that he had a bad tooth. But Dr Shine thinks it’s still the nausea because he tends to do it most after he’s eaten or drunk. I’m adding Pepcid to his medication to see if it eases his symptoms. If it doesn’t, then it means I’m backed in a corner. Next measures require spending of money I don’t have when I may learn absolutely nothing good. And at this point, I have a 17 year old cat with kidney and intestinal problems – there’s really no point. And while I can write that with confidence, I am plagued with guilt at assuming that he is at the end when there is a possibility that he isn’t. And what if I didn't do enough? What if I didn't do the right thing?
So, several miscommunications later, Joe and I are fine. He apologized for waiting too long to get to the point. And also for not realizing that his actions coupled with the "we'll talk later" was a flashing red light. I apologized for misinterpreting and getting my panties in a twist prematurely.
Joe turns 40 this spring and he's been doing some serious evaluating of his physical and emotional health. And he's just been in a "I don't want to look and feel old" and "I want more from my current relationship cuz I ain't getting any younger" funk. I kind of knew the first part. He's back to dyeing his hair and he finally got the weight machine working.
What this means for me is that I need to conquer my marriage demons. I told him I want to move forward. However, it will be a whole lot of set-backs and stumbling around while I adjust to the concept. And that there are complications with two homes and a lot of cats. He says he isn't proposing right now and that he has no real "next step". Only that he wanted to know if I was looking at him as "hey I like this guy but, meh..." or "I really like this guy and I want to be with him". But he wanted to air his grievances with my always-knee-jerk-reaction to the idea of me not being on my own. Recently, my dad was like "would you please just sell this money pit, take the loss, and go somewhere else!" And my immediate reaction was, "Go where? Where am I gonna go? An apartment? With 5 cats? Yeah, that's happening. Rent a house? With 5 cats? Again, yeah, that's happening. So I'm back to square one of buying another house that I can't afford. And damnit, I haven't been paying a mortgage for 13 years to just walk away. So that's stupid!" And Joe took it a bit personally --- in that I didn't even consider that I could move in with him. A year ago it wouldn't have bothered him. But now it does. And he also doesn't want to pay for my ex's mistakes. Which plays into my misinterpretation of his recent behavior. Maybe my ex(s) behaved that way when they sat on their issues too long and were ready to dump me but that's not his style. If he has a problem with me that needs work he's going to say something ---- not sit on it until it's too late.
So we went to Clubhouse, toasted to miscommunication and had dinner.
In other news I don't think I'm putting Bij down on Friday. I just can't do it.
and because my life isn't complete without more heartache, Joe is breaking up with me.
Ya know, I'm so tired of this.
He's been distant. I let it go cuz I didn't want to corner him. Last night I couldn't take it anymore so I called him cuz he said we would do dinner tonight instead of last night (on account of the weather). So I asked.
"We'll talk about that tomorrow".
Fuck that shit! I got upset and he said something about "where is this relationship going". I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him. Of course he didn't say the same. He mentioned marriage and how I have a problem with it from my past. He was so vague. But just that we could have a conversation about everything and see where it goes.
I asked though - do you want to be with me?
He said yes. That if he wanted to go he'd go. But i think he said it just to say it.
Today, I couldn't take it anymore. And I texted.
"Not sure if I should say good morning cuz you've been so distant and unresponsive. Is there any point? This is torture. I wish you'd just say what's on your mind".
his response?
"The polite thing is to say good morning. So I will say good morning to you. And we will talk after work tonight. I'll meet you at your house".
Yeah, ok. I'm not an idiot. So I texted a few things and he hasn't responded.
He hasn't been sitting next to me on the couch. Or texting good night when I do it. He's just been distant. He's done. I'm sure of it.
I have made the agonizingly painful decision to let Bijou go. He is not getting around well at all. And the longer I wait the more lame he will become. And I don't want it to be an emergent situation. He is slow to get anywhere and it seems to exhaust him. He finishes his dinner and just sort of rolls onto his side. He is pure skin and bone and I simply can't watch it anymore. I made an appointment for next week Friday. And I am heartsick.
And to make 2013 even better, my hormone levels came back normal. So I'm making an appointment for an ultrasound to check for fibroids.
I've been spotting since my period ended around 11/23. It isn't normal for me.
I'll dismiss that one day that you see a little spotting but not for over a week. And this isn't spotting. It's.....more than spotting.
I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm mildly freaked because I know my body and this is weird. And I was JUST there in August and got a clean bill for my girl parts. So I'm not sure if this is the thyroid messing with me or what. Or if I got some sort of little infection. Whatever, it's weird. But I feel fine. No pain. No other symptoms. Weird.
I don't have the money but I'm running one last chem/CBC to check his kidneys. I thought I ran it again in June/July but apparently the last time was in March. Because that will be a deciding factor in how I proceed. If his kidneys are toast then there is nothing more I can do for him. But if his kidneys are ok then we are on course with treatment. God this sucks.
So last night it was more of the same. He ate. Slowly. And walked away when there was still food left. I have to pick it up cuz the others swoop in. I'd give it back to him, he'd pick at it, then walk away. But I gave him a bit of salmon from my dinner and he about took my finger off to get it. He was going towards the couch as if to join Joe, but one of the others cut him off. So he seemed to get discouraged/annoyed and went to walk away. Joe picked him up and put him on the couch. He stayed a bit and we pet him/brushed him. But after awhile he jumped down and went into his cage. He stayed there all night. He didn't come out again to hang out with us. During dinner he should have been trying to get into our laps. Nothing. I'd look in on him every now and then and he wasn't sleeping. He was awake/alert. And he isn't aggressive. He doesn't seem in distress. He's just....there.
This morning he was outside my door. I went to pet him and he sort of brushed me off - like, hey don't touch me. But he squawked a bit like he usually would for breakfast. And he stayed at my feet while I prepped his food. He went to his spot like usual and ate for awhile. But he walked away and left some behind. He went straight to his cage and laid down. Again, he didn't hang around in the kitchen like he normally would. I gave him his bowl and closed the door when I left. We'll see if it's gone when I get home. I gave him a second dose of prednisone last night.
I made a list of symptoms from various websites for pain, dementia, deafness and depression. He fits bits and pieces from each category. But I can't rule out something wrong with his insides, either. I just don't know what to do for him. I left a message for Dr Shine telling her my observations. Not sure how she can help. I asked her if she had any insight to give me a call.
