Im sooo sorry i havent been updating, i havent had internet and i swear the library is that slow im ready to flip. Anyway, darrens gone, Mark a guy knew for a while decided to go back to his ex and there is someone else in my life right now but im trying to work things out. Im not sure if i want to be with him yet or not. I have also been tested as HIV positive about 4 weeks ago when Darren left. I dont want to talk about it because i have my views on it and things are manic at the moment. Nai started college today and she seems alot happier. I got stoned at the weekend and im STILL feeling like shit. I was up at 7 today and im up at 8 tomorow. WE have a phone line so we can have dial up but doubt i have the patience to go on the internet on dial up. Anywy im sat in the libray next to some random guy and yeh thats my day.
ive been waking up late going to bed about 5am. i hadnt heard from darren since friday. I was getting worried. What if he had a diabetic fit or something. He usually answers me.
Anyway i got up today to a text.. he met a woman and she broke his heart and hes done nothing but cry!!! WTF i cant speak.....\
You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.
darrens gone, to burnley to look for a house. He will be back for his stuff. we are the best of freinds and he will do anything for me. He is paying the rent till i can which is never. Hes paying the bills cause i cant. I do miss him , his things are here. You know th elittle things. The touches, the way he was with me when he was nice. I just want him to hold me but hes not here to do so. Im so lonley its unreal. Im just sat here in front of the pc doing sweet f a. Everyone in chat rooms are assholes. I just want to be with someone have fun. Im scared of been on my own too long cause i am expecting to just lip, crack up because i havent cried yet. Im so lonley and its the worst feeling ever. People say i will be ok but how do they know that? They dont know what im feeling. They dont know what im thinking. Everyone is so happy,they have a life, thay have things to do, places to go. Im just going to sit here forevr, thats it now. Thats me. No Darren holding me, no kisses no nothing.
Hes missing me like hell, hes ready to crack up any day too.He texted me crying for me the other night. Imlike shit why doe slife have to be a total bitch!! I really thought he was the one. Ill always love him , hes my freind hes there for me whenever i need him.
im coming to the end. Nothing is going smoothly and no one is helping me. I have no home, no bed nothing. Im stuck here living in a house with my ex till god knows when. All i do is cry. Im making myself ill. And to top it all guess what i might be pregnant!!! jesus fucking christ kill me now! all i want is help, is it too much to ask. I swear i cant cry anymore it hurts so bad.
I have been away from darren about 32 hours and already i just dont know what to do. Im scared he will come back and throw me out and go ballistic.. Im scared he will just go crazy. Thing is with Darren i cant just sy its over it didnt work lets be friends though. he goes crazy! he wants me on his terms and i cant. He starts with the go to hell and im a fucking bitch and ive ruined his life. hes the one that walked out and said it would be best if he found aplace he was the one that broke my heart when he went im was in peices i was ready to end my life. Now ive realised im better off without him hes not happy. What the fuck do i do? Hes going to stop everything, sky, internet, the lot. Ive got everything to sort. The best thing to do i suggested was to meet up but now hes not having it. I just\wish he would just stop been sooo angry and scarey!! He just flips and im terrified, he wont talk to me. Ive seriously done something that is going to have effect on everyone. Why cant he just come for his things and be freinds with me, but instead hes going to come and proberbly flip and go insane and proberbly scare the shit out of me or better still come home and say this is my house i pay the rent i can live here all i want and make me suffer. I cant move out i have no money to.
I seriously cant handle it any more it is really sending me to a nervous breakdown. NO ONE has sat and thought about how im feeling!! My daughter hates her dad and he hates her and im stuck in the middle trying to pleae both odf them but no one has sat and asked how im feeling and what i want!! I want them to be like they were!! i was things how they were! Im heading to a nervous breakdown. Hes leaving this week and daughter is like oh well youll get over it but i wont!! WHAT ABOUT ME!! IM SICK OF IT!!
cranky
blah
lonely
scared