Sooooooooo I've decided that since I'm going to try the journaling thing again, that I'm gonna go ahead and move to a new journal name. If you're interested in following this monochrome dog and all the absurdity that is his life, go ahead and navigate on over to urban_dogsled and give him a watcherooni. It's good to be back fellow bloggers and stalkers watchers ;D
I have been pondering a bit lately on the nature of my life, specifically in regard to my social life. Once I would have counted myself lucky to have even a couple of close friends to turn to. Now I have a veritable armada of people ready to go to bat for me. I'm not really sure where everything went right. I don't perceive myself as having changed all that much mentally, but then, being at the focal point of my own life, and living inside my own head, such change is probably imperceptible except with a LOT of retrospection and comparison. The strangest part, to me, is the fact that all the praise and love I feel from my friends, well, it's all genuine. For whatever reason, these people (most likely you, if you're actually reading this) give me feedback that I can only perceive as genuine love and affection. I'm not used to such things from others, I suppose I should be by now, but I spent a pretty long time with that sort of attention being the minority in my life. I've gotten so far as to believe in my heart of hearts, that these people do in fact care a great deal for me, my big puzzlement (as it always is) is why? I could make some jaded statement about them getting some kind of use out of me, and I'm sure that I DO serve a use to a great deal of my friends, but the kind of sentimentality I get from people, at least for me, really isn't explainable as simple use v. non-use explanations. Ultimately, I suppose, people have their own reasons for liking me, and whether or not I understand them matters very little in the great scheme of things. I suppose the point of this little thought stream is just to express that I have been taking a few steps back lately and looking at things as they've progressed in my life and I have to say that I feel truly lucky to be alive because I have so many wonderful people who are willing to share their lives with me. Each and every one of my friends makes me a better person, and makes my life a richer place to live. If you're reading this, thank you for making a difference in my life!
(MAN it has been a while since I brushed the dust off this thing, how's everybody doin?)
So, I guess I don't really know how to say how I've been feeling lately.
I have been a little up and down I guess.
I'm not battling with full-on depression like I used to, but I'm still facing a lot of road blocks on my path to success and happiness. I'm getting frustrated I guess, though I'm not sure that's the right word for it.
I have felt a little down lately, to be honest, hopeful, but down. Almost like there's a shadow cast over my aspirations.
There's some other stuff, I've been wanting to talk to someone about, but I don't really know who to talk to. I don't really want to go into therapy again, I can't afford it, even though that would probably make the most sense. It feels strange to be considering therapy when I'm not really depressed, I also worry that as someone trying to get a degree in GIVING therapy that somehow the idea of me being in it is unacceptable. Like I'm supposed to be all fixed before I try to help fix others.
I don't know, there's a chance that a therapist really isn't the right person to talk to about a lot of this stuff anyway, but again, I don't really know who to talk to about it.
At least it's not like things were for me when I was still trying to figure out my sexuality. Ah well, life is still better than it has been for me, even if things seem a little dark and gloomy at the moment. I'm sure I'll get better, or at least get better at hiding it *chuckles*
It's Friday night, and I know my friends are out having fun...
I wish I could be joining them. I already miss everybody. God I need to finish this degree pronto...
EDIT: Man you guys make it hard to be mopey sometimes ;P Seriously though, thanks to everyone that was like "OMG I'm lame too, we should be friends" you guys totally made my night.
Well, I can see that I should brush the dust off this thing again.
I suppose I should talk about my life in general. I really meant to make a few posts from way back, but never got around to them, so I'll start at the top and try and work my way down.
School: Remember how I was freaking out about maybe or maybe not getting into school and getting financial aid? Well I'm on week 5 of school right now on the spring semester at WSU:Tri-Cities branch. Assuming I pass all my classes with a high enough grade then I'll be graduating in the early summer of 2011. The only hurdle right now appears to be making sure I get enough financial aid to pay for fall of 2010 and spring of 2011. I'll be applying for grad school this fall, and I'm very, very nervous about it. The more I think about it the more I seem to want it. I don't think I've ever wanted school more than this. It's becoming an obsession in my thoughts. I'm trying to formulate plans and think of ideas to get in, and it's all just a jumble at this point. I've got some rough plans and some hope but that's about it. I think it's going to take a miracle for me to actually be able to attend grad-school at this point, but I just want it so much...
Work: Work has dropped off the radar for stress. I have cut my hours down to just a couple of days a week. They don't really take me seriously anymore because of it, but I don't really care. I've worked there for 3 years now and my boss has passed me up for promotion 4 times, and that was back when I was stressed all the time about it and busting my hump to be the perfect employee. I would still say that I'm an exemplary employee but I've just stopped caring. I do things to cope with my stress and give the customers what they want when they put me at the registers, not run through the grocery list of questions they want me to ask. I just decided that sometimes, no matter how much they threaten you, you just have to do what you think is right, not what you're "supposed to do."
Conventions: Well FC was a blast, as I'm sure most of you have heard. It was, for me, not the best con experience I've ever had, but it was definitely a lot of fun. For a lot of people this year, it seemed to be the best FC they'd ever had. Having only had two, I think it's difficult for me to tell. I also tend to rule out last year's FC (my first FC) because I spent a lot of it foolishly trying to spend time with my boyfriend (at the time). As far as Rainfurrest goes, I think I've finally been officially added to their staff. I know I'm a member of the financial team, I'll probably end up as their second or some such. I am also going to be in some capacity helping their art-show, though I don't know how much I'll actually do there. I'm happy to be helping out, and hopefully the situation won't end with me working all weekend. My personal code sometimes diverts me to put more effort into something that I intended to just because I'm trying to please people and make them happy.
2. Chocolate or flowers? Neither (if I had to choose one or the other I'd much prefer the flowers, I really like green potted plants like ferns and the such as far as plants go)((yes, I know that makes me weird))
3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day? Probably not, dun have a date.
4.Do you like anyone? In what way?
5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines? Yes, and they didn't want to do anything for Valentines, I was quite sad-face about it.
6. What would be your dream Valentines date? Uh, Probably something really cliche like dinner and a movie, then back to someone's place (or a hotel room) for cuddling and chatting. Anything where the focus was on being tender and close would probably make me happy though.
7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines? I try not to, it seems to bug others if I do.
8. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Nope, I'm not that cool.
9. Would you ever write someone a love letter? Decidedly, yes, though I doubt I'd have the courage to send it.
10. Do you believe in Cupid? Is this asking me if I believe in "Love at First Sight?" If so, yes.
11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines? No, and I'm rather glad of it.
12. Do you still send out Valentines cards? No, the only people I would like to do that to, I feel it would be grossly forward of me to do so to.
13. Do you like candy hearts? No, I'm not a fan of bone-meal and earwig honey
15. Is Valentines day depressing? Sometimes :(
16. How do you feel about PDA? There's a time and a place and a level for it.
17. How is your love life? Haven't been with anybody since last April, so you tell me.
18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines? Yep, well the day after, actually.
19. How many roses would you want? As many as they want to give me? I don't need roses though, just luv.
20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next Valentines? I have no earthly idea, I don't tend to have much luck about these sorts of things though heh.
So, I haven't touched this thing in a while (which seems to be a trend for me)
I suppose I should fill everyone in on things.
So, as most of you may or may not remember I was trying to get school arranged this last fall...
Well, this is the end of my first week of classes. hehe
I got my financial aid sorted out, and was accepted for classes, signed up and started attending. I'm finally back in college again, and it's not junior college either, this is the real deal, senior level courses across the board (well no, I have two junior level courses still but meh) The work is much more challenging than I'm used to but I love it, it's all in my discipline (with the exception of the couple of semi-elective courses I have to take). I have to be much more careful about budgeting my time now, but I don't mind if it means I get my degree. I'm really excited about my future again, I have all these dreams and visions popping into my head now. I really think this bachelors degree will open a lot of doors for me.
Does anyone use my LJ to actually find out about my life? I guess, I'm asking if anyone is still interested in hearing about the exploits of this little monochrome dog, hehe.
It's not that I'm losing interest in writing, but more that I don't get up the gumption to write as often as I'd like to, if I knew someone out there WANTED to see more I might find it easier to get to writing.
urban_dogsled and give him a watcherooni. It's good to be back fellow bloggers and 
hopeful