I still fail to understand

This journal is no longer being used. I'm keeping it for posterity. Thanks for playing with me. <3

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare

What's that old saying? History repeats itself? I found myself looking over a group of scared teenage girls and a bunch of super-powered leaders as teams broke off and designs were set in motion. I watched as Buffy moved with Lilly; we shared a look but like the last battle I didn't want to say any goodbye's. The only goodbye I'd said was in a letter I left for Lex. Part of me was so glad that he wasn't here trying to be a hero and another part of me kept looking down at the ring on my finger and aching because I might not see him again.

Lex -
If I don't come back please know that you are my heart. You've made me feel safe in a way even a slayer for a sister couldn't. Never forget how amazing your heart is; never forget that I love you and never forget that life goes on even when it's painful. So if I don't come back, keep living for me.
Yours,
Dawn

I met Harry's eyes as he left on his quest as well. There was no time for goodbye with him either; his family was so intrinsic to everything happening that I could barely breathe thinking about it – all I knew was that I was going to fight for the people I loved.

As Connor started giving out orders to the remaining few of us I found myself gravitating near Willow and him. Nothing against Alec but I don't know the guy. I tried to reassure some of the girls who hadn't been at the Sunnydale battle and the ones who'd heard all about how many lives were lost. To me it was just another battle; even though my life had evened out in the last months it was still a roller coaster of drama and insanity. There hadn't been a battle in years now though and as much as I still trained with Buffy and as much as I wanted to be strong and fearless – I was just a girl. A key maybe but a girl(dawn)shaped key that just wants to be happy and see the people she loves be happy.

I guess Buffy's shoes were harder to fill in a hundred different ways. People looked to me the way they looked to her, like I had some insight because I was her sister or that I could lend them some courage that perhaps I got from her. I felt like shaking. I'm not defenseless but I'm not Buffy and I never will be and sometimes Buffy is who these people need.

I followed along with the girls who were designated with Connor. I closed my eyes for half a second and asked anybody up there who was listening to keep the people I loved safe. If we could get through this without a massacre (of our people) I would be damn happy. I fiddled with the expensive wedding ring on my finger as Willow approached me and asked me to look out for her black-haired skanky evil self, I agreed but that was a little scary in itself.

“Just make sure if I start to go all Dark Willow, someone cuts off my source,” she said and I could see that old Willowy nervousness that sometimes peeked back in during situations like this.

“Of course,” I told her before we all headed out following behind Connor and Alec like a war.

I suppose that's exactly what this was. It was a war and this was just another battle and I hoped we won. Arrogance and experience could tell me that nothing could stop us, the first evil couldn't, Adam, the master and all the other evil bastards who liked to mess around with our lives but this seemed different now. There was so much more to loose for so many more people.

Things like this go by in a fast forward blurry type situation. People moving all around you and portals opening, dragons, demons and every bit of it falling down around me like a blur of tragedy in motion. Girls fell and got hurt and I could barely hear anything over the roar of battle cries, weapons and the screeching of a dragon.

I couldn't think any more about Buffy or Lex or Harry. I needed to focus on the little spells I was doing to help everyone around me out and keep my eye on Willow.

I saw someone fall out of the window of W&H and not long after that the building started to crumble in on itself. I started to think about Buffy again and despite myself I was looking for her among the fighting heads I could barely see over half the time. I had this gut wrenching fear as I watched girls get taken out one by one.

I was turned towards the building looking for my sister, moving away from Willow to look for my sister. I saw a blonde girl get a sword through the back and she looked so much like Buffy that I stopped in my tracks. Before I could cry out or react there was a demon practically on top of me with a knife in my side.

“Buffy ...” I breathed out before I fell to the ground unconscious.

Grudge

Dawn hates doctor's. It's nothing personal to any doctor she's ever been a complete bitch too but the fact that the person she hates most in the world was a doctor has made her more than slightly prejudice. She can't stand them, she doesn't get sick anyway. She just hates doctors and now all around her a storm brews and she can't seem to deal with what might be happening all over again in the next few days.

She doesn't even know the whole story because she's so wrapped up in her own life and not loosing her husband or her mind that the supernatural stuff that used to fill up her life doesn't so much anymore. Not unless you count the job she does for Cordelia and really Dawn's not the one out there dealing with that kind of stuff. It's Buffy. She just lends her language skills and studies a little magic on the side.

She knows she'll always be in this position on the outskirts but maybe that's where she's suppose to be.

Her grudge is for doctors and anyone named Ben. That's just how it is.

Muse | Dawn Summers
Fandom | BUffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count | 190


ooc: this is not dawn's battle post lol

Magic

Lex had been working a lot lately and the snow storms had made it impossible for Dawn to leave the house. So she was alone - completely alone with no where to go. They say post-traumatic stress can hit you at any time and suddenly she was back in the cave on that island and panicking. Anxiety slipped across her skin like fire, goosebumps rose and she felt like she couldn't breathe. She tried calling Lex, then Buffy, she even tried Cordelia and Angel but no signals were getting through.

When she started pulling books off the shelves in the library it was the book of spells that Lex had picked up in London that caught her eye. She took it to her room and of course she had all the magic supplies she would ever need in her house - because it was better to be safe than sorry.

She didn't know what possessed her to do it but when her mother's spirit appeared before her she was crying so hard she could barely breathe. Every night for two weeks she would bring her mother's spirit to her so she could talk to her. She told Joyce all about Lex and how beautiful the wedding had been. She told her about all the things she loved to do and how she graduated at the top of her class from UCLA. How she was working with Buffy and Cordelia doing all the kinds of things she loved to do. Her affinity for languages and how she didn't care about being the key anymore - that she was just Dawn.

Dawn didn't know if it was really her mother or if the spell was just bringing through a memory. All she knew was that magic was the thing that comforted her when she was alone. She liked magic.

Muse | Dawn Summers
Fandom | Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count | 307

What makes your life complicated?

My husband is on the side of morally ambiguous. My sister is a vampire slayer whose in love with a vampire who I once had a huge crush on and eventually turned out to be one of my closest friends. I'm a key to a hell-dimension who may or may not have a soul. My best friend is a vampire with a soul whose got two kids who grew up way too fast and one of them has recently been turned. Life is a mess for the people I care about and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except keep working with Buffy and Cordelia to make the world just a little bit safer everyday.

My husband though. I worry about Lex more than I can even fucking say. I trust him as much as I trust my sister, my best friend. I trust them all and I know that Lex does what he can but I also know about his past and I worry about that place tugging at his insides and pulling him apart until there's nothing left of the man I love. I worry because I'm a wife now and as much as I trust him, I don't trust that place not to tear him down. Lex was strong, just like Harry and I loved them both. Things were just still scary, the world was scary that way and having my husband, the man I love more than life itself, in the belly of the beast?

It's complicated.

Muse: Dawn Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 255

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love - Washington Irving

When Dawn and Lex returned from their long honeymoon there was a wedding present waiting for them. It was from Hank Summers. There was also a note. Dawn put it aside and asked Lex to get rid of the present and she slipped the letter into her well worn copy of The Scarlett Letter and put it aside.

It was a month before she even thought about it again.

Dawn had serious issues with her father. Forgetting the fact that she's not really his daughter and is reminded of that with every holiday that goes by and he's not there. With every moment she sees a father and daughter in the park. With her wedding and the fact that she hadn't invited him because he wouldn't have come. With every moment that she and Buffy avoided him as a topic of conversation, how acutely his absence was felt.

She was sure it was possible that Lex had been to see her father, likely even but she didn't care to know him anymore. She had the only family she ever really needed. Her sister, her friends, her husband (that still took her breath away, her husband).

So when she decided to re-read one of her favorite books she'd completely forgotten about the letter. Shakily she opened the creased edge. The paper rattled. Her tears fell, staining the custom stationary and bleeding the ink. When Lex found her she was a mess and the letter was completely unreadable, stained with her tears.

"I hate him," She told Lex in a mess of sobs. But what she really meant was 'I want to hate him but I can't.' Somehow Lex knew and just held her tightly. She thought he probably knew better than anyone. He understood in a way that most people wouldn't.

She didn't tell Buffy about the present or the letter and she didn't call her father. She just remembered that despite his roundabout and condescending note, he signed it 'I love you baby' Somehow, it made her come apart at the seams.

Muse: Dawn Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 342

Sincerity.

When she stands there in her dress and jewelry she almost feels like an impostor in a fairy tale. She’s had enough issues in her life to think she just doesn’t deserve to be this happy. She’s not always thinking about how she’s not real anymore, Lex and Harry and the rest of her family make it impossible for her to think that she’s not suppose to be around. When she goes to work with Buffy and Cordelia she finds herself in the middle of frustration and egos and it’s perfect.

But when she stands there and the minister is speaking she has this moment of panic that this isn’t suppose to happen to someone like her. She’s not suppose to have her best friend looking on or her sister looking like she might cry at any moment. She’s not suppose to have someone love her the way she knows Lex loves her. She’s not suppose to have any of this because she’s not real. What if this is just another memory being implanted? What it …

And then she meets Lex’s eyes and she feels Harry’s presence there and Buffy is standing up for her and all that other shit just fades away because Lex is looking at her like she’s his salvation and his reason and she has no idea why he loves her but god she’s so glad he does because she’s so in love with him her heart hurts sometimes.

She feels beautiful when he looks at her, even in the mornings when she wakes up next to him and she has circles under her eyes from staying up late studying and her hair looks like a rats nest. She knows he loves her and even then he thinks she’s beautiful.

Dawn knows there are things about him that she doesn’t know. She knows there are things he hides from her that she probably doesn’t want to know. She also knows that no matter what he’s involved in at Wolfram and Hart, he’s still her Lex and he’d never do something that would make her turn away from him.

“I love you,” She bursts out in the middle of the minister’s speech and everyone laughs lightly and she blushes because she had barely been paying attention. Lex just grins at her with a wink and mouths, ‘I love you too’ as the minister, with a grin, continues.

When he says I do there’s relief in her entire body and she’s not sure why she was anxious that he would just suddenly change his mind. She repeats the words and sees the same relief in Lex’s eyes. When the ring slides on her finger she literally feels like she might burst and she just wants to wrap her arms around him and never let him go. She’s so tempted to do just that but she waits patiently for the minister to tell Lex to kiss the bride. Even though she’s the one moving first, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“I love you Mr. Luthor,” She breathes softly against his lips.

“I love you too Mrs. Luthor,” He says with a grin against her lips.

They’re presented to their small audience (when she said small affair she meant it) and the music swells, they walk down the aisle and she’s sure she sees tears in Buffy’s eyes.

“We could skip the party,” Lex says in her ear and she’s tempted to agree.

“I’d say take me away but we have numerous vampires and people with super powers that would kick our pretty asses if we didn’t show up to our own reception,” She says with a laugh.

Even though there will be a few missing people she hopes the reception is a time of celebration. She wants to check on Angel and makes sure Harry knows she’s so thankful for everything he’s done for her lately even though he’s got enough stuff going on in his life.

It’s looking in Lex’s eyes that always make her stop and have to remind herself that this isn’t a dream. No one, has EVER, looked at her like he does.

Muse: Dawn Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 690

[Note: Not meant for RP]

Despite not knowing everything about him, on top of knowing there were things I didn't want to know; there were no second thoughts as Buffy helped me get ready before the service. There was just that anxious flutter of excitement. I was getting married.

The ceremony was gorgeous, not that anyone should be surprised. This was Lex's doing after all. Of course I was waiting for demons or crazy vampires (besides the ones in attendance) to show up and cause a ruckus. Luckily there were no demon attacks or vampire staking's during my wedding. Just a few tears and beautiful music.

My dress swayed around my body and made me feel like a princess.

Now, the reception will be about four times as big so who knows what will happen there.

All I know is that I am Mrs. Lex Luthor and this one's gonna stick. Trust me.

I am a little scared of all the toasts though, you can never tell with this crowd. Now where is my husband so I can try out my dancin' shoes?

[Annnnnd ... reception ...]

While We Were Hunting Rabbits by Matthew Good Band

Her world was made up of hiding. When she was younger it was hiding how displaced she felt from her family. Then it was hiding Buffy’s status as a slayer. That was easier because she’d always had other people around who knew. It wasn’t a secret she held on her own.

Then she found out what she was and saw the way the look in her families eyes changed when they looked at her. Dawn knows they didn’t do it on purpose but it was a long time before she felt much like more than just a thing. Buffy tried, she knows she did, even after they shared blood Dawn saw the look in her sister’s eyes. It wasn’t like anyone else though, Buffy aw something different than anyone else.

But everyone looked at her like a thing. Sometimes she remembers that look or sees it flash in her families eyes when they remember that they’re memories aren’t real.

And then she grew up a little and always thought it was unfair to fall in love and have them not know what she was. Then she made the mistake of telling someone she loved what she was and he proved to her why she’d always been scared.

So she hid. She hid behind a bubbly personality and jokes about her origins to those who knew. She’d come right out and say it then, some people thought it was a joke and others didn’t. They accepted it with shrugs or mild awe but she still hides.

Who doesn’t hide? Even from the people they love most in the world. She has secrets she keeps close to her heart. She has people she loves and hates. She has a man she’s going to marry who keeps his own secrets from her but she understands. She understands because sometimes you can’t stand that shifting look in someone you loves’ eyes.

Muse: Dawn Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 317

Therapy.

When she told her father she was getting married to Lex Luthor the first thing he asked her was if her fiancé’ was asking her to sign a pre-nup. The second thing he asked was if he had to pay for anything and then he asked her how therapy was going. She’s not sure why he assumed she was going to therapy unless he just realizes how much he’s damaged his kids over the years of silence. Considering both his daughters now live in Los Angeles and he’s never made an attempt to really get in touch with either of them in the last few months – you know since both were feared dead on that boat sinking incident – as least as far as she knows.

For all she knows he has tried and Lex and/or Buffy are trying to protect her. She doesn’t really know for sure.

But the thing nobody knows or at least the thing she hasn’t told anyone – she’s sure somebody knows … she’s been going to therapy. She got the name from Wolfram and Hart which is why its possible Lex, Harry, Angel and god knows who else might actually know.

It’s not even her father she talks about in therapy and the reason she went through Wolfram and Hart is that her biggest issues are supernatural in nature and like, she needs to talk about them.

Her therapist asks her things all the time like about her relationship with Lex and how the age difference affects them and his job and the teetering on the edge the love of her life goes through. They’ve been a little disconnected lately with her finishing up the end of the semester at school she missed and trying to get all that done with and his job at W&H. She’s worried because Dawn worries about everything.

She talks to Joan, the therapist, about everything. Harry and how loosing him and getting him back was insane. She talks about Buffy and Spike and the ways she feels like she fails the people she loves by making the wrong choices.

She talks about her time in that cave the least even though that was the biggest thing that prompted her to seek help. Mostly the fact that she told Lex that she was okay with Clark coming to the wedding made her realize that she was going to have to see him and she didn’t really want to be scared at her own wedding. She knew that Clark would never hurt her if he was himself but that whole experience was imprinted on her mind and it hurt and filled her with fear sometimes when she thought about seeing him again.

But she’s making progress on that front.

Of course she spent the whole hour last session freaking out about how she’d hurt Spike and didn’t know what to do about it. She couldn’t say she got anywhere with that issue, she still didn’t know what to do but sometimes things just don’t have answers and her life is always going to be crazy.

Planning a wedding is the craziest thing for her honestly. Getting Cordelia’s input on everything even without asking for it? Super awesome. Dawn’s just lucky Cordelia’s taste isn’t horrible, personally she likes the understated thing but apparently since she’s marrying a billionaire she’s suppose to take advantage of that with the wedding plans.

She’ll see.

Muse: Dawn Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 569