I haven't posted or commented in a while because I've been out of town for a bit. I will be posting more and commenting a butt-ton when I get home. I might get some done today. I will be reading absolutely everything I have time for today though.
Feelings of familiarity Clung to so desperately. Causing only loneliness, when it comes to his Piercing state of mind. Desperation, how unkind A feeling, so hard to unwind. Maybe next time around We'll find a way to not come down. Down from that cloud up so high. That tricked us, said we could fly. So off that cloud did I leap Not knowing I would have to keep All those feelings trapped inside And instead just stand beside. Resentment is hard to hard to beat Even after the love you meet To save you from your deathly fall. So now who knows what to do with it all?
I feel better when I write. I donno what o call that one so I called it "so called friends" when I posted it on my message board.
1. Can you cook? I can. Then again what kind of former fat-ass would I be, if I couldn't cook?
2. What was your dream growing up? To be a mom... and have a family that was togather. Unlike mine.
3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I were more artistically talented. And more talented with the written word.
4. Favorite place? Lake cabin, hands down.
5. Favorite vegetable? GREEEEEENS
6. What was the last book you read? Last book I finished were silence of the lambs and agels and demons. I'm currently reading the changeling rulebook by white wolf, twilight and red-dragon.
7. What zodiac sign are you? Cancer. I am an ox in chinese zodiac.
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? I have my tongue ear lobes and right cartilage pierced. And an ickle heart tattoo on my left hand betwen my thumb and forfinger. (Yes, just like a vice lord's star or a vato's placaso (sp?)) I would like a number of other tattoos. Starting with a dream-catcher with my daughters birth date underneeth. And I want a monroe piercing since I do't think getting my labret repierced is a good idea.
9. Worst Habit? childishness and sloppiness.
10. What is your favorite sport? Hahah sports. I hate most of them if they involve me. I like grappling. MMA is the shit and learning to throw, or choke, someone twice your size is pretty fucking empowering. I also like to ride my bike. But who the fuck really watches that shit?
11. Negative or Optimistic attitude? Pessamistically realistic.
12. Best thing to ever happen to you? my daughter. no question.
13. Tell me one weird fact about you: I love kids TV and kids toys and am perfectly content with the idea of children and childrens things filling most of my time in my life. Because I wish I was a kid again.
14. Do you have any pets? Not personally no.
15. Do you know how to do the macarena? I do. Sadly.
16. What time is it where you are now? It's two fourty eight. Almost time for me to go.
17. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? fucking creepy. (stolen answer but accurate.)
18. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Get rid of this extra skin so that I could have a chance at having one of those pretty, flat, slightly muscular stomachs.
19. What color eyes do you have? Light brown. Very unique because they have a ring of color around the outside...that changes from time to time. Mostly it's dark brown though. Sometimes it's grey, blue, or green.
20. Ever been arrested? Not ever. I'd shit myself.
21. Bottle or Draft? uhm if were talking beer no thanks.
22. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it? Move and buy furnature.
23. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? none, I have tmj, too much gum chewingand I wouldn't be able to open my mouth the next day. (I like spearamint though.)
24. What's your favorite bar to hang at? I wanna go to the gay 90's...I like the saloon and I think I would like blondies. But I don't really go to the bar.
25. Do you believe in ghosts? For sure. Why would this be IT?!
26. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? I like art....and writing. Mostly I play with my daughter.
27. Do you swear a lot? Oh yeah.
28. Biggest pet peeve? passiveagressiveness in males.
29. In one word, how would you describe yourself? contradictory. Or maybe I would use confused.
30. I'd rather be: nonexistant. (Which is simular to my friends annswer of dead....but dead implys dying which means sadness for my lovedones and family and stuff. Nonexistant means they never knew me to be sad of my loss.)
and I have a terrible memory too so this might be difficult for me too.
First Shares
1. Who was your FIRST prom date? didn't go to prom ever.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Uhm....Yeah. I do actually. What a nerd.
3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? bacardi limone that had hidden in my home girls guest house through most of the summer.
4. What was your FIRST job? Answering phones fo rpair of dice pizza. Woot.
What was your FIRST car? plymoth sundance.
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? no one texts you when you haven't a phone.
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? My boyfriend
8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs.Balentine. What a cunt.
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? Cali!
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? Jessica Engle. I saw her for coffee last year around this time. She still doesn't know I was pregnant or had a baby though. Maybe next year she can meet my daughter.
11. Where was your FIRST sleepover? My house. OF course. I had all the best things. First sleep over at a FRIEND(as opposed to a babyistters or grandmas or whatever like that) house was Annie. Before she decided I Wasn't cool enough for her or her other friends.
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? Noelle.(my sister.)
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? No ones... I missed my mothers wedding the second time around and the first time she got married and I Was to be flower girl, the groom didn't show up. fat bastard.
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? crawled out of bed to find pants. Then find my niece.
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Eesh. First was PRince. But if your not going to count my in the womb concert experiance it was backstreet boys. Though I tell everyone it was the limp-bizkit napster tour.
16. FIRST tattoo? heart on my hand done by my ex.
17. FIRST piercing? ears. Then cartilage of my right ear. Beyond that my tongue was first. I got that done when I Was fifteen.
18. FIRST foreign country you've been to? Never been. I'll let you know.
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing in the theater? I'm posative it wasn't the first I saw in theaters but its the earliest I can think of. It was the lion king.
20. FIRST Detention you had? Seventh grade. Talking during sex ed in health. Then laughing at the teacher for scolding me.
21. What was the FIRST state you lived in? Besides the one I was born in? North Dakota.
22. Who was your FIRST roommate? Amber and Sprout.
23. If you had one wish. What would it be? I'm tempted to steal the friend I got this froms answer. Lol. But I won't. I wish I could be sucessful... I wish I wasn't an under achiever.
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? Music. Culinary at a professional level. Art.
I am so contradictory in myself that it's leaking outward. It's interesting to me that contradiction came up in one of my friends on here's posts aswell today. But that describes fully how I feel lately.
My baby, and my boyfriend make me the happiest woman on earth. I know I am lucky to have a man interested in having a family and that is attentive to our child. That I don't have to question if he loves me or not. I know that I am blessed she was born healthy, that she doesn't have colic and that she is generally a healthy and happy child.
But at the same time I am so overwhelmed and stressed out with our living situation, with the money situation. With the fact that he lost his job yesterday even though it was a family friend that was employing him. (he was sick last week. Like the whole week. Was supposed to go back monday and didn't even call her. So I'm not suprised just disapointed in him. He knew better and I asked if he called her, he told me he would.) And on top of that my mom working means she's getting increasingly stressed out about the house being messy. And being that I'm home as little as possible because I hate being around my sister it gets worse and worse every day because the kids dont clean unless told. And my sister is a fucking slob. So that stresses me out too. And we were supposed be saving money for furnature and moving. We didn't. That was going to start this weekend. Ididot me. And so now my mom is talking about moving soon and asking if we saved anymoney. I told her we did because I felt stupid. But I know we didn't.
So. I'm stressed about not wanting to live here. Not having means to leave. Not having anymore money right now for things we want.And super stressed about how we're going to buy formula and shit like that since I couldn't get the doctor to write me a script for the right formula since she wants us to try the other kind again. I mea I guess I could have put my foot down but I'd like her to be able to be on regular formula instead of the medical grade.
I'm so tired. And stressed. And depressed. (I have post-partum running in the background. which is why the happy makes me feel SUPER conflicted.)
I don't know what to do anymore.
And I miss my friend. (The one that is also my ex.)
And I DO NOT want her to be my daughters god mother. However I also don't want to hurt her feelings and make her feel like I don't like her. The truth is none of her buisness and her selfesteem couldn't take that blow. She's already pretty fucking nutty. (I think she might be bpd like me. with different presentations.) And I'm her daughters god mom even though we didn't have her baptized or anything. Jeremy's best friend is the god-dad. And since I have no best friend of my own anymore. And the last one I considered my besty was a guy, I had decided I wanted the best friends wife or my boyfriends boss (who is a close family friend for YEARS now and has done more for the baby then anyone.) to be the god mom. The wife both because I know they will take the roll seriously and be involved in her life.And because I want her and I to be good friends. And the other choice is because she loves my daughter and has donne so much for us. (givig us lots of stuff for the baby and even giving Jeremy a job.) I don't know what to do.
I am ashamed to have been fed white-bread history. I am mildly ashamed of the white-side of me. However I revel in the fact that my family is german. Not nazi germans either. After world war one my german ancestors left germany so they wouldn't have to serve in the german army. And they went to russia. And then they came to america from there when russia tried to make them enlist as well. They were not nazi's and they were not slave owners. poor imagrents didn't have slaves. I'm disgusted that the american government and major corperations are making millions of dollars on the oil they are finding in North Dakota. It should be given to the reservations in that state. I'm sure most of it is from the res's and or the state park. Either way none of this really belogs to any of us.
How it feels like no one is listening. At home, IRL and online.
I have no one to talk to anymore except myself. When I talk to my mom I get "well that's what happens when you have kids" or "your too old to be doing this, get over it" But we're all supposed to give her lieniancy for her anxiety and I can't get that same treatment?! My anxiety is a hell of a lot worse. SHE didn't quit school THREE SEPERATE TIMES because of hers. She's been hospitalized once yes. But that wasn't just anxiety and hell she'd been to rehab only months before. So really it was unsuprising, just inconveniant. Considering I was raising her children then. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to have the help I do from my mom and my boyfriend. But I seriously don't knw how women parent ALONE because I'm going insane and I have help. I don't know how those women sleep. Because -I- don't!
I also hate...how he makes me feel like staying home with baby (even while my body still hasn't fully recovered) is nothing. Or at least not as important and difficult as his working is. And how when I point ou that I am here with her ALL DAY and wit Jessiah (my almost two year old niece) almost all day most of the week because her mother doesn't mother and she goes to school and my mom now has a full-time job (she usually plays the mother role for my niece.) And that on top of that I am the one to get up with the baby at night unless it's a rare ocassion I passed the hell out and couldn't stay awake. AND That I'm the only person in the house cleaning regularly since my moms working again. I tell him I can't take it anymore and that I resent the fact I'm the only one cleaning and the only one sleeping one NIGHT a week. Well he cleaned up the room. A little anyways. He didn't really put anything away but he picked the trash up and cleared the floor a bit. But it's going to be messy by tomorrow. Then, he offered to take the baby when he gets home from work so I can sleep...Which is really pointless because I cant sleep during the day, at all. I tried butit was pointless. My mother had goe to bed early so I didn't want him to have the baby in the living room because she was fussy and crying a lot. And I had kept my mother up the night before trying to give HIM some sleep, because she cried all igh that night. And it was pointless. It really was. Because the baby cried and he just got frustrated and assy. I wanted to be a really nasty bitch and yell at him "What the fuck, you can't take THREE HOURS with your fussy daughter and yet it's nothing that I stay home with her fussy ass all day long. That I spend EVERY NIGHT with her acting like this and you have NERVE to act like staying home with her is nothing!?" And...every time I tell him it's a lot and I'm overwhelmed (I -am- suffering from post-partum without help yet, AND I had bipolar and anxiety before pregnancy so I have that too. On top of the stress of living in a house with NINE people in it that don't clean except me, and who are generally pretty fuckin' loud. Not to mention it's my mothers house and I'm super codependant on her and she's going through a divorce AND her father friend and dog dying within months of each other.) he tells me..."Well YOU get a job and I'll stay home with the baby"
And that statment makes me want to gouge his eyeballs out. Because...I'd love...to be able to -handle- having a job. Without having a panic attack every morning before going. Without being scared of getting FIRED all the time, for no reason. I wish I could fuction like that right now. Not to mention I can bairly stand long enougto change the baby's diaper still, not even long enough to do a sink of dishes without my cooter fuckin aching. Nigga YOU push a seven pound bundle out of you and tell me that you can go to work a month later! Fuck.
But all my ranting and begging for help and bitching and moaning doesn't do anything. And I can't make him or anything else change at this point. Maybe after we move and I'm settled with the baby I can work out somewhere to get a job around my moms schedual (because I will still be babysitting for them.)
chipper
tired
blah
cold
bored
anxious
disappointed
frustrated