Rose Walters

• At the moment I strongly dislike bordering on hate my mother. She's a b*tch.

I don't like Cesar. I just am not financially independent at the moment and I rely on his welfare. Never liked him.

I don't like either Prima or Cesar. Never did.

I just always wanted financial independence so that I can tell my entire family, extended included, to fuck off.

Once I get my finances in order I am just taking my brother Kris with me and then disappearing into the void.

You really think Letty likes my Dad... *laughs* He's just a steady paycheck.

I tried really hard to be financially independent all my life. But they are controlling motherfuckers.

And I hate being controlled.

My love don't cost a thing. I have my own swiss bank accounts.

I don't want to need you for money, sex, or anything.

I want complete autonomous control over my life and I certainly don't want to depend on a bloke for shit.

I'm 50. I earned my independence.
And if I level up... I will be as lethal as John Wick.

~Rose Walters

Well I slept for about 12 hours.

 I made my share of mistakes in life.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.  I didn't relate to my mother and father as well as I should have.  I could have been a better child to them.  I typically treated them as alien from me.  I was usually embarrassed by them.  I didn't appreciate them enough when I was growing up.  I took them and a lot of what they did for granted.  I didn't nurture my bonds with my parents and extended family.

I thought most of them were stupid af and I needed to get rid of them.  I just didn't think they could understand me or my ideas.  I often toyed with the idea that I was adopted.

I still think my mother was a b*tch most of the time.

But that's all in the past.  And I learned some valuable lessons.

Yah, Walter and I started talking when he was 15/16.  We didn't officially start dating until he was 18.  I'm  scum.  Yes, I loved him, but what I did was wrong.  I don't have a good explanation.  I'm a lech.

~Rose Walters

Arianna likes the belly rubs.  She always wants me to rub her belly and scratch her booty.  She likes the belly rubs and booty scratches.  She'll paw me if I stop. hehehe

I love dogs.  They're so cyoote.  Gotta get one of my own... *hint hint*

I dunno, Keanu, what's gonna happen.  I'm 50 and sometimes I get light-headed when I'm laying down on my side.  So I'm thinking my heart or something like that.  I'm getting old.  Not getting... I am old.

You know I'm avoiding certain women because their storyline was so f-ing stupid with disney princess bullshit and dream f-ing homes and dream f-ing weddings.  WTF would I be interested in that shit.

I already explained my ideal situation.  I don't want a mundane 9-5 job and a pretty dream home with a white picket fence and the ball and chain.  Or a fancy wedding.  I don't want that.  I could have had that with Montaign.

With what time have left in this world, I am interested in 'adventure.'  Alice's Adventures in the Looking Glass.  Neo... take the RED pill.

I'm gonna go to bed and crash.

~Rose Walters

I really loved him.  We were together for about 6-7 years.  I wanted it to work, but I know that a house of cards built on lies will never see the light of day out there.  If only I were younger or he was older.  Age does matter... or at least experience.

He was an angel.  My angel.  And at the end, he still was an angel.  Innocent, intelligent, handsome and tall.

But I realized he could never be mine.  He was meant to meet other women his age and see the world.  I didn't want to stand in his way.  I was pushing 30.  Over the hill.

I've had a number of lovers and I 'member each one fondly and keep them on my shelf as treasures.  I used to just look for 'chemistry' between me and a guy.  We just hit it off because there was something between us.  I never pushed a guy for commitment of any kind.  Never talked about marriage or children.  Just the latest baseball or football game, traveling, and going to a party or bar.

I was all about making the most of the moment while it lasted.  Perhaps that's why it didn't work with Montaign.  I never talked about the 3 M's — Money, Marriage, Motherhood.  I just talked about enjoying each other's company for as long as it lasted.

I was about making beautiful memories to hold onto when I'm old and fading away.  Those memories keep me afloat for a while.

But I loved Walter.  An angel.  I was fortunate to have met him.  And we were good friends until recently. 

~Rose Walters

Mr. Keanu Reeves... hmm...

Do you see I made a 'Heather' and an 'Amanda'

hehehehehehehe

satire :P

I don't really think I'll ever date again.  But I can see myself making new good friends.  At least dogs love me these days.  Arianna et al. heh

Sexual Sin... I'm not sleeping around.  I touch myself briefly now and then.  That's been pretty much all I ever do for the past two and half decades.  I don't want an STD.  My libido will be shit in about five more years.  So I'll tolerate my monkeyness for a few more years.

Besides I'm not pretty to look at anymore.  That's fine.  I can stop tryna to go to prom or foolish Disney princess crap. hehehehe

I'd rather be a fierce undercover agent.

But you are still quite the looker :P

~Rose Walters

The perfect 'situation' for me would be a subterranean dwelling either in a Mountain in China or India, or deep in the heart of the Sahara Desert, or deep in the heart of the Amazon Jungle, in the heart of a Bavarian Forest, or deep in the Indian Ocean.

I should have the latest technology.  The entire world should light up on a huge screen.  And I have weapons — the latest, tech-savvy guns and rifles and even lasers.

Only my brother and our dog is with us.  And mebbe a cat.

And I work for a clandestine organization and conduct 'missions.'

I'm 50.  The prom and frilly wedding are a long lost pipe dream.

Let's be real.  I'm trained to survive and to perform with perfection.

Love... hmm... not at 50.  

~Rose Walters

No, I am not returning to the USA any time soon.  I refuse to allow them to use me as their lucky casino.

I'm hoping to make progress here in my last month in the Philippines.  And continue to travel abroad with just my brother Kris and perhaps a dog.

Walter's selling point was his innocence.  I was looking for that so much then.  I loved him for that.  His untainted soul.  Because by the end, Montaign turned into a disgusting monster.  And I cried and told him, "My angel died."

These days, when it comes to love and affairs of the heart, I dunno anymore.  Usually I spend like three to five minutes touching myself and thinking of random porn with random strangers.  And I think to myself, is that all I need.  Just a man with a shlong, or perhaps two.  Just go to a club or a bar and pick up one or two horny men and get off on them.  Is that all I'm looking for these days.

What is love.  'Friendship' set on fire.  Who finds love at 50 and over.  I'm most likely meant to be alone and single.

I'm not quitting smoking, but I'm gonna take up drinking and ganja.

I'll just be alone and single and rely on myself.  I'm entering menopause anyway.  And I'm pretty sure my libido will die down within the next decade.

But if I can be part of this clandestine organization and be part of missions... hmm... that sounds a good way to spend my remaining days.

~Rose Walters

Jesus.  Well I'm under the impression that He's the King whose return is imminent.

And perhaps I am one of His Warriors.

That's another reason why I'm glad I left the USA because I need to see the rest of the world.  Perhaps the entire world has heard of Jesus, however their perspectives about His role in this world are different.

Eastern Philosophy is different from Western.  Quite.

As Keanu says, 'Different Heaven'.  Indeed.

Sometimes the apocalyptic perspectives of Americans are maddening. Schizophrenic even.

Yes, I do believe in 'Intelligent Design' and a Creator.  And perhaps I am doing what I had agreed to do before I arrive here.  But I dislike thinking I'm a programmed robot without 'free will'.  I dislike thinking everything is just a binary choice.  We should be more complex than that.

But yes, I serve Jesus.  But I am unworthy.

~Rose Walters

I endured a great deal of abuse in my lifetime, particularly spiritually and psychologically.  I've dealt with narcissists my entire life.  I've dealt with haters and fakers for a long time.

When I met Walter, he was so innocent and I loved him for that.  I thought with him I'd have a second chance at love and life.  I was pretty sure Montaign left me for someone younger, more beautiful, and more accomplished than I ever could be.  I thought I could do high school over again and prom.  And that I would get it right this time... with Walter.

I realize my SAT scores are much higher than reported.  As well as my LSat.  But NYC is a rough town and they dislike giving merit or credit to immigrants like my family.  How could a Filipina be intelligent.  Her.  Get real. etc.

I thought, that's fine, I still can go to NYU as a Trustee's Scholar and get a 4.0 and be phi beta kappa and go to Harvard Law.

I didn't expect to be raped by merciless criminals who threatened to kill me and my entire family, included extended.

I didn't expect my entire town, former friends and classmates, and family to turn against me.

I didn't expect my own mother to consider institutionalizing me.

And they ask me why I've been alone all this time.  When the entire world conspires to kill you, you do what you have to in order to survive.  You learn to just depend on yourself and just you.  You either learn how to fight for yourself or end up dead.

I have no good explanation for why I dated WDA.  I was a different person then.  I always knew it was wrong and that it would never last.  The man I dated before him had lied to me about his age, his marital status, and what he looks like.  I thought he was a handsome Filipino two years older than me.  He turned out to be thirty years older than me and married with children.

Yes, I know two wrongs don't make a right.  But I learned to lie online because of him.  Sam.

It's not enough to say that I was conditioned by my abusive environment to behave like a criminal with a criminal mind.  I should have taken the high road.

I'd like to blame my antagonistic mother who threw me to the wolves, naked and bleeding.  Or my absent father.  Or the criminals that raped me.

Please forgive me for being a despicable excuse for a human and dating a teenage boy.  It's a crime that weighs heavily on my conscience.  And a crime I will not repeat.

I know it was long ago, but a crime is a crime.  And I am guilty.

That sixteen year old boy offered me a lifeline out of the NYC ghetto and I took it gladly.  I needed him so much more than he ever needed me.

~Rose Walters