Gonna change my way of thinking, Make myself a different set of rules,

Shit!
Nothing makes sense,
So I won’t think about it.
I’ll go with the ignorance.




Except that I will think about it and I will not remain idley ignorant. And I'm still a crazy person who can't keep her feet still and digs her nails into herself and smokes herself into a false net of euphoric and elusive realities. (If it's worth mentioning; I've been smoking). I have problems. Big ones. I lack motivation. Completely. I don't care about even pretending to care about what happens in relation to school right now. I really feel like I've lost my past identity. Have I changed completely into an uncaring, heartless and immobile being?

No. That's just it. It's no longer in all aspects of my life. It's just school. Why am I sabotaging myself? I can't tell if my medication has done anything other than give me more physical side effects. I've had several good days, but that could simply be due to certain aspects of my life being at a good spot. I've had serveral bad days, but that could simply be due to certain aspects of my life being at a bad spot. I'm not a fan of medication. Allowing modern medicine to control my brain for me. Part of me needs to change (because society says there's this Totem Pole line of 'normalcy' and we're to come as close to that rung as humanly possibly), and because I want to be happy. But happy has never really existed. It's instanciations of happiness reaching at moon's length at this ultimately impossible Telos of happiness. Doesn't seem to me like I need medication to achieve that impossible Aritotelian Dream. I'm stuck on these lower bodily pleasures: Drink, Sex, Food. I have the higher pleasures too; the intellect, the imagination, and maybe a bit less on the moral sentiment side of things. But not where it amounts to anything.

I'm allowing myself to stand still as if I were intentionally nailed to the floor.

I had this worry when I graduated high school. Of going no where. My mother had wanted me to take a year off, thinking a break would be good. I didn't want that. I thought if I did, I'd be stuck. And here I am; stuck. On the otherside, but stuck none the less. I did everything right now in my life to myself. I take full responsibility. I think it matters not if I was depressed at the time. I've been depressed on and off since I was old enough to make decisions for myself. Should I discredit all decisions made during those times because I was depressed? I'm not sure I can seperate myself from my depressed self. I'm not regretting putting myself on medication, but I am wondering if I should have taken it at all. It's surpressing one side of who I am. Is a less depressed person a better me? Maybe it's a balancing act. "How God made me" and all that junk. I was told it doesn't make me into a different person. That sounds wrong as any drung makes you into a different person just as any asperin makes your headache into a non-headache. I'm certainly different while drunk or high. Like now. I could see my pulse earlier. Although- I'm more or less in the same dull and bleak mood that I was in before I smoked. Except I'm lonely for human contact now, which is added. And I'm lonely for a particular person's human contact.

Sometimes I hate being female. Or girly, really. I like having the ability to blend in as 'one of the guys'. And I allow a guy to make me blush? Ugh. This is what they do to me. THEY. The 'other'. This seems different, though, if possible. I don't usually blush by a look. I'm not too sure what that's saying. The entire carride though- I can still see your eyes. And especially now; I love it. The more I think about the more I want it. And for right reasons, which feels odd.

Nothing makes sense/ So I won't think about it.

Yes. I will. Over. And over. And over.

On this dark day/ Right in plain view.

I like laughing. I like living. I like loving. What do I want? Not much of what I used to. I no longer care about a security blanket. I want to run through the town, painting it red, leaving destruction in my self made path. I want to break free of my caged existence. This Existential dilema has really occured much later in life than I think most people come across. Teenage angst- you know the story. I'm getting near complacency, if I'm not already there. I long to break out of my self imposed noose. And I no longer have the ability to know if this is me that wants this, or if it's the medicated me, which seems to go against what the drug is supposed to do? I skipped out on my appointment today, where I was supposed to be examined to see how I was taking to the drugs. I don't care. I'm my own experiment. I'm taking these shiny red pills and seeing where it leads me. So far- I think I'm still wearing down the same baren path.

But with the energy of a bright eyed- world in front of her- child- with the world in front of her. The world has NOT stood and left me here. I shall make a dent. I shall make an impression.

I shall carve my name in mother nature's furtile body.

( Collapse )




( Collapse )

This is what my bed looks like right now:

       


Which excludes this: (the shelf)



And this:



...
All of this shall be organized into nice categories.
...
But now I am going out with Heather.
And will save the fun of categorizing for later.
Or I shall no sleep (in my bed).

The top most line on my bed is a combination of fictions, memoirs and otherness.
Below it from left to right is religious, anything similar to plays and poetry, philosophy then history.


This will take a while.

Clear Things Up?

And I've had people comment asking why I never update....
Here's a banner explaining why you can't see my entries.



So comment me,
Explain who you are,
And if I like you-
You can see all the wonderfulness that is my journal.

Cheers!

Here's my issue.
I had an ASSHOLE of a customer today who nearly had me in tears.
I was very, very close and to date, after FOUR years of being a waitress, I have never cried due to a customer.

Okay;
Right off the bat this guy, his brother and his mother were jerks, expecting me to drop everything that I was doing in order to clear a dirty table so they could sit there.
This was the ONLY dirty table in the entire restaurant and simply because it was located in the window, they had to have it.
They were bitchy that I took too long getting their drinks because I had to wait on customers other than them as well.
So I take their order and they call me over twice to ask me where their food is.
Um, cooking?
Anyway, they get their food and a few minutes afterwards I ask if they need anything.
*here* is the appropriate time to ask me for anything and give me any complaints.
So the bitchy lady asks me for new water for her tea stating that it was never hot and was too cold for her to have any.
She probably could have told me this after I GAVE her the tea if it was really so cold.
My guess is she let it sit too long.
Then, seeing as they had no issue, I let them alone to eat, like any good waitress will.
When it comes time to clear their plates, the man absolutely FLIPS on me.

1. He says that his eggs Benedict was too hard.
2. He also states that my attitude sucked,
3. That I never went back to check on him,
4. And I never gave him a refill.

1. All eggs are cooked medium unless specifically told otherwise because some people fear getting sick from undercooked eggs. He never told me he wanted them any way other than how they typically came.
2. I basically left them alone.
3. Um- did. Testament to this would be his mother's new tea.
4. HE NEVER ASKED FOR ONE

So I told him that I would take the meal off the check and he said 'Yes you will' and then continues to rephrase everything he had just told me.

I get my boss to take it off and my mother tells me to breathe. Like I really needed that useless bit of input. I realize that she was trying to help, but no.

The man pays by credit card and on the slip that he's supposed to sigh he writes "*Talk to your server about her problems." and under 'tip' he writes "Pathetic Service."

Needless to say. I wil never EVER wait on him again if I can help it.
I have never been so close to telling a customer to fuck off to his face than I was in that moment.

Friends call friends just to say goodnight,
Yes?

McAlinden Outline and Intro.
McAlinden Draft One- Tuesday
McAlinden Draft Two- Thursday
McAlinden Final Draft- May 8th Thursday
Reynolds Lab
Reynolds Final Exam May 8th Thursday 11:00-1:00
Hooker Transition Project
Hooker Article One- Past Due
Hooker Article Two- Monday
Hooker Sketch Book- May 5th Monday
Hooker Carving Project-May 9th Friday 2:00-4:00
Skoble Paper
Ierardi Paper- May 12th Monday
Ierardi Final Exam May 7th Wednesday 11:00-1:00
Devlin Paper- May 2nd Friday
Devlin Final Exam May 9th Friday 11:00-1:00


I suppose this means I will live through this semester after all.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Travel
2. Have children.
3. Something to do w/ my father.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Tara
2. Tarie
3. Tartar
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. RingosGarden
2. MyDesolationRow
3. CuomosRiver
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Eye(s)
2. Scars only I know about.
3. Random freckles.
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. French Canadian
3. Passamaquaddi
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Obscenely small spaces.
2. Open water.
3. Serious commitment.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Warm water.
2. Clothing.
3. People.
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Shorts.
2. Underwear.
3. Tank-top.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Bob Dylan
2. The Beatles
3. Everclear.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Strawberry-Everclear
2. I Shall Be Released-Dylan
3. I've Got A Feeling-The Beatles
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Compatability.
2. Fluff.
3. Understanding.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I value my friends more than my family.
2. I like being alone more than I do being with people.
3. I'll still listen to boy bands.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes.
2. Humor.
3. Interaction with others.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading.
2. Writing.
3. Listeing to music.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Decide.
2. Let certain people know how much I care for them.
3. Fix.
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. High-School Teacher.
2. ...that's about it.
3. Box living?
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Scotalnd.
2. Ireleand.
3. England.
THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Joseph
2. Johnathan
3. Josiah
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. Sometimes I like dressing up.
2. I cry at movies.
3. I go with friends to the bathroom to rant about guys.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I like sports.
2. I complain often about girls.
3. The color pink scares me.
THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. Whoever is bored.
2. I stole it from Bill
3. So feel free.