Drama drama drama
Hello everyone, my name is Andrea, and I just joined this community today (someone linked it in a comment to a question asked in another community I'm a member of). I thought, "wow, what a godsend, I needed unbiased opinions about my situation! :O" I keep asking my friends and family, but they're all biased towards me, and I feel like they're all too close to the situation to give me any good advice.
So, hopefully you all will be able to give me some clarity. With that said, on to some background.
My guy and I have been dating for almost 5 months now. We met back in February, talked for maybe half an hour, and it probably wasn't a very decent conversation as I was drunk. We didn't meet or talk again until the beginning of July, at a friend's party. We hung out with mutual friends, chatting and eye flirting, and then made plans to get a group together for sushi in a couple of weeks (I was going to be out of town). So we did that, he bought my sushi, there was more eye flirting. We hung out afterwards and chatted (within the group), and parted ways. We started texting a little back and forth, and then one night, he and two of my girl friends went out for drinks at our local dive bar. Afterwards, we were walking home (because it was that close to where I lived), and we had about a three hour conversation about ourselves and our lives, you know, really getting to know each other, because it was the first time we'd had any substantial one on one time. I knew I liked him, I was pretty certain he liked me. Well, if I wasn't sure, making out by the end of it confirmed it. This led to a discussion about relationships, and possibly starting one between the two of us. I'd only had one previous relationship, years prior, which had only lasted 6 months. Suffice it to say that I am wholly inexperienced when it comes to relationships, so maybe our discussing a relationship right at this point was the first red flag; I don't know.
At any rate, I told him I'd have to consider it, and he was fine with that. We continued on in a similar manner -- hanging out in groups of friends mostly, and occasionally hanging out one on one. One night (actually, not too long after our relationships conversation), we had sex. It was the first time ever for me, but I really don't think it has any bearing in my situation. To me, it was just sex (though it was nice that it was with him, because I liked/like him). From that point on, I was barely home. We would hang out to all hours of the night, pretty much hooking up, but not always. And at this point, the relationship question hadn't even come up again, so I don't think we were even "official." We just ... were kinda .... together.
Then, he finally asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend (this was about a month later). I told him yes. And that was it. We were "official." He warned me that, because of his experience in relationships, and because he was used to dating older women (he'd never dated anyone young than he was until me), that things might get serious. I told him I thought I could handle it and would let him know if I needed things to slow down. And yet, somehow, I was completely unaware when things were becoming serious. Without realizing it, I was sacrificing a lot of my own emotional needs in lieu of fulfilling his (but that's also sort of a flaw I have with everyone -- I'm a people pleaser with a messiah complex). I also assumed that since he'd had way more experience in relationships that he could just take the lead and he would know what he was doing. It didn't take long before there was just tension and drama. I felt like I was being dragged along behind him, and I couldn't explain it, and I couldn't stop it. There was an issue when we went out with some friends, we both had had quite a bit to drink, and I blew up on him because he was letting some girl dance up on him. I think we eventually understood one another's points, but everything from that night on has just been ... super sensitive. I feel like everything he says is a criticism (even though I logically know it isn't), and am so focused on being the girlfriend he wants and needs that I end up getting emotionally exhausted. And no matter how much we talk about it, nothing seems to change or get better. We both have a lot of other stresses going on too -- his parents are separating, he's trying to get his band off the ground, and I'm trying to sustain myself living paycheck to paycheck after quitting my previous job and moving.
Now, to recent events. He and my one roommate used to get along pretty okay, until about October, when things just got weird. Finally, my roommate came to me the other day and told me we had to talk. She informed me that at our Halloween party he had followed her up to her room when she'd gone to the bathroom, waited for her to get out, and then tried to kiss her neck and touch her. She told me she had told him to stop and he hadn't. So I'm extremely torn on this. I see no reason for her to lie about something like this, but I can't imagine him doing anything maliciously, and there have been no signs or anything that he is attracted to her in any way or whatever. I just don't know what to do. I asked him about it, and he says he doesn't remember (he was very drunk that night). There is only one witness who says she heard my roommate yelling at someone, but even that's vague.
We've taken the past couple of days to spend time apart, so that I can get my head around things, and we agreed to come back to it tomorrow to rehash things and maybe figure out what can be done. The advice from my friends and family is split -- on the one hand, some want me to break up with him, or at the very least take a break for a while, while others are telling me to work with him to get through it, because relationships take work, and this is just one of those hiccups. Somehow, I'm not bothered by the prospect that he'd cheat on me (if that's even a possible interpretation of this situation) -- mostly I'm just trying not to see it as some underlying violent or aggressive tendency. He has never been aggressive towards me, never pressured me into anything, and has always been very understanding of when I've asked for space.
So I don't know, I'm just very confused about everything and could really use completely outside thoughts. If you want more enlightening and don't mind reading through detailed drama and angst, my person journal has many of the accounts of the drama. And sorry this is so long. ^^; I just want to make sure I give enough detail to get good advice. Thanks in advance, everyone.
So, hopefully you all will be able to give me some clarity. With that said, on to some background.
My guy and I have been dating for almost 5 months now. We met back in February, talked for maybe half an hour, and it probably wasn't a very decent conversation as I was drunk. We didn't meet or talk again until the beginning of July, at a friend's party. We hung out with mutual friends, chatting and eye flirting, and then made plans to get a group together for sushi in a couple of weeks (I was going to be out of town). So we did that, he bought my sushi, there was more eye flirting. We hung out afterwards and chatted (within the group), and parted ways. We started texting a little back and forth, and then one night, he and two of my girl friends went out for drinks at our local dive bar. Afterwards, we were walking home (because it was that close to where I lived), and we had about a three hour conversation about ourselves and our lives, you know, really getting to know each other, because it was the first time we'd had any substantial one on one time. I knew I liked him, I was pretty certain he liked me. Well, if I wasn't sure, making out by the end of it confirmed it. This led to a discussion about relationships, and possibly starting one between the two of us. I'd only had one previous relationship, years prior, which had only lasted 6 months. Suffice it to say that I am wholly inexperienced when it comes to relationships, so maybe our discussing a relationship right at this point was the first red flag; I don't know.
At any rate, I told him I'd have to consider it, and he was fine with that. We continued on in a similar manner -- hanging out in groups of friends mostly, and occasionally hanging out one on one. One night (actually, not too long after our relationships conversation), we had sex. It was the first time ever for me, but I really don't think it has any bearing in my situation. To me, it was just sex (though it was nice that it was with him, because I liked/like him). From that point on, I was barely home. We would hang out to all hours of the night, pretty much hooking up, but not always. And at this point, the relationship question hadn't even come up again, so I don't think we were even "official." We just ... were kinda .... together.
Then, he finally asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend (this was about a month later). I told him yes. And that was it. We were "official." He warned me that, because of his experience in relationships, and because he was used to dating older women (he'd never dated anyone young than he was until me), that things might get serious. I told him I thought I could handle it and would let him know if I needed things to slow down. And yet, somehow, I was completely unaware when things were becoming serious. Without realizing it, I was sacrificing a lot of my own emotional needs in lieu of fulfilling his (but that's also sort of a flaw I have with everyone -- I'm a people pleaser with a messiah complex). I also assumed that since he'd had way more experience in relationships that he could just take the lead and he would know what he was doing. It didn't take long before there was just tension and drama. I felt like I was being dragged along behind him, and I couldn't explain it, and I couldn't stop it. There was an issue when we went out with some friends, we both had had quite a bit to drink, and I blew up on him because he was letting some girl dance up on him. I think we eventually understood one another's points, but everything from that night on has just been ... super sensitive. I feel like everything he says is a criticism (even though I logically know it isn't), and am so focused on being the girlfriend he wants and needs that I end up getting emotionally exhausted. And no matter how much we talk about it, nothing seems to change or get better. We both have a lot of other stresses going on too -- his parents are separating, he's trying to get his band off the ground, and I'm trying to sustain myself living paycheck to paycheck after quitting my previous job and moving.
Now, to recent events. He and my one roommate used to get along pretty okay, until about October, when things just got weird. Finally, my roommate came to me the other day and told me we had to talk. She informed me that at our Halloween party he had followed her up to her room when she'd gone to the bathroom, waited for her to get out, and then tried to kiss her neck and touch her. She told me she had told him to stop and he hadn't. So I'm extremely torn on this. I see no reason for her to lie about something like this, but I can't imagine him doing anything maliciously, and there have been no signs or anything that he is attracted to her in any way or whatever. I just don't know what to do. I asked him about it, and he says he doesn't remember (he was very drunk that night). There is only one witness who says she heard my roommate yelling at someone, but even that's vague.
We've taken the past couple of days to spend time apart, so that I can get my head around things, and we agreed to come back to it tomorrow to rehash things and maybe figure out what can be done. The advice from my friends and family is split -- on the one hand, some want me to break up with him, or at the very least take a break for a while, while others are telling me to work with him to get through it, because relationships take work, and this is just one of those hiccups. Somehow, I'm not bothered by the prospect that he'd cheat on me (if that's even a possible interpretation of this situation) -- mostly I'm just trying not to see it as some underlying violent or aggressive tendency. He has never been aggressive towards me, never pressured me into anything, and has always been very understanding of when I've asked for space.
So I don't know, I'm just very confused about everything and could really use completely outside thoughts. If you want more enlightening and don't mind reading through detailed drama and angst, my person journal has many of the accounts of the drama. And sorry this is so long. ^^; I just want to make sure I give enough detail to get good advice. Thanks in advance, everyone.