Just got off work and it's been a crazy day, the girl I love goes back home here at 6:30am. My friend ship with Brett has been on the line since I started dating Sarah, his step sister. Him and Brit broke up, and one of his not so close friends from when he was a kid died in a car accident. I have no idea if our friend ship is going to pull through or not. He has been really up set by the idea of me and her together, and I'm on Brit's side for the break up, I didn't feel he was treating her like he should have. the cigarillo I smoked help bring my nerves to par on everything. I'm really going to miss Sarah, I can't wait till I go out to Arizona to see her. I can already tell it's going to be a interesting few days after all this. Damn my apartment needs a bit of cleaning, I can't forget that my parents are having my brothers birthday part at the house tomorrow. I'll try to get him something fun.
God it's only been 2 weeks and I love the girl. Sarah treats me better than any other girl I have ever had the joy to be with. Her smile lightens my heart, and her touch gets it racing. I have completely fallen for her. So much so that the reason for every other relationship not working out makes seance now, it's because none of them were with her. She loves me, and not just parts of me but all of me. She compliments me, and looks me me with eyes that just scream, god your sexy I love you and I want you, all followed by her saying all those things to me. I have never felt this lucky in my life, she's so perfect for me, I love everything about her. All the pain that it took to get here was worth it. I'm going to cry when she goes back to Arizona... God I only have one more day with her, but the last 2 weeks have been the best days I can ever remember. I know when October comes around I'll get to see her again, she's going to fly me out there to be with her and meet her family. Her mom out there already said I'm welcome to come out there and is excited to meet me. I really can't wait, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. The girl has my heart fully, she can keep it as long as she would like, and she already told me that I can have hers forever. I don't know how many of you all believe in fate, but I think I just meet the one person in this world I'm fated to be with. I'll have myspace pics up loaded of us together soon, I just have to wait to get them from Brit, she's the one who took them for us, I swear she is the most beautiful girl ever, it's amazing she loves and wants to be with me.
I'm so burned out, I can never fig out what the hell girls are thinking most the time... I'll just go get some sleep I'll fig out the female mind later.
Some days the world just hurts my head... I had a date with a girl last Friday, meet her at brit's birthday party. She is simply amazing, one of those girls I never believed really existed. She's geeky, she's smart, reads manga, reads lots of books, watches anime, plays video games, plays poker, and I can talk to her with the ease and natural feeling of a friend years old. I'm excited about everything, and nervous at the same time...
I know that at the end of the summer she's going to go to college out of state, so it worries me. part of me wants to use as much time as I can why she is here to get to know her more and just have fun and go on dates with her, but the other part is nervous because it thinks it would prob be better to cut my self off now and not try at trying to do a long distance relationship with her.
She's just too much of everything that I've always wanted in a girlfriend though just to cut my self off from. Though I'm prob over thinking everything at this point. Right now we are just dating, we're not anything official.
At this point I think I'm going to see were the summer takes us, and if I happen to fall for her (hell what am I saying if I happen I am falling for her) and things go well I'll think about it then. After all even if I think I could handle or be willing to try a long distance thing with her, doesn't mean she will.
One word, and I'm hooked, just the sound and I instinctively know. Hardly a moment, and I feel so much flood in. The only thing that can break down any resolve I have with just one word. With just one word, my heart races faster, my stomach tightens, my understanding and will dissolve. This isn't like me, it scares me, how can any one thing do so much to me, and have such a mass effect... I don't get it, all I know is... It fucking scares me. All I know is, that it reminds me how much I miss her, and how much she means.
Ya know, I can push my self to be with someone else, but I don't know if I could give my self, my whole self to them. I so badly want to move on, but I so badly want to hold on to hope, the hope of the girl I completely and fully fell for. The one person, I care more deeply for than anyone else... and I just have to let go, I don't know how to. I want to and I don't want to. I don't know if I can.
Today, I thought I could, I thought I could move on. I knew I could, I knew I'd be okay, and in the moment, from the first word she spoke, I knew I was talking to the girl I loved. My heart, my body, my mind, all knew, this was the girl I wanted to be with more than anything. That nothing any thing any one could say would matter, if I could hold her again... I don't understand, how can one girl, how can one word, make things so clear. It scares me. I don't know what to do. If she asked me, I'm sure, I'd work and do my best to bring her what ever she wished... I'm a fool, a stupid fool, but I'm a fool for her, I'd be a happy fool with her.
I'll just have to keep reminding myself, I'm just a friend, I'm not what she wants... I want her to have what she wants... I really just want her to be happy.
I miss her, I really miss her, and it's not because of how long she's been gone but how long I know it will be till I see her again. That silly girl that my heart loves. The one that, this silly loner could finally find to fill him, to be fully open with, to connect with on a level that I never have connected with any one before. With her gone, I feel like only half a person. She the only person that I've ever felt so valnerable to be around, the only one I could be around and just be me, nothing else, no fear of being looked at like a freak, or some godless child. It was amazing... She was amazing, she was wonderful, no she is wonderful. To me she's simply the most lovely girl I've ever meet, and I hate my self for fucking up the most wonderful thing I've ever had.
With all that's happened I know theirs no way I could hate her to try to get over her, and my heart won't let go, it knows that it loves her unconditionaly. My heart loves her for the fact that she is who she is and no one else.
With all this going on, it just tears at me and kills me a bit with all these people around me, friends, family, just who ever, tells me that I deserve better, that I can do better. All I can think when I hear this, is what the hell do you know. Who the hell are you to say that when you never even fucking gave a damn, never and fucking tried to get to know her... the only one that hasn't done that is my mother, god bless her. She liked Jessi, and talked about how she had wanted to go out shopping with her to get to know her better. She was the only one that really felt sarrow with me after the break up instead of just shooting off her mouth. Well Brit was fine too, she let me talk out alot of things. I just don't want to hear another person say you can do better... when the don't ever know, they didn't ever take the time to understand how much better Jessi was when compared to most other people.
I miss that girl, I hope she stays safe. She really does mean the world to me.
Ok, so I've been trying the internet dating web sites... and I gota say, I though trying to hook up with one girl was mentaly exhausting, but this brings it to a whole new level. It could be because I don't know if I really even want another relationship. I still hold a lot of feelings for Jess that I just wish I could cut and do away with. I think the main reason, is to me is that she is moving on with out me and damn it I'm going to do the same. In my mind it would be worse to try to hold on to these feelings for her then to go after something that may end up being some thing good in the end. I just hope I don't end up being some horrible ass hole that ends up using a good girl as a rebound. I don't see my self doing that since I'm careful when entering a relationship... well most the time, I just hope my heart works with me on this one. I feel a bit weird about it, simply I gota say this is the most out going I've ever really been in trying to create a relationship for my self... I'm kinda starting to relize that I really don't know how to just put my self out their as aviable, yet alone ask a random girl out that I hardly know... This will either be the end of me or just the begining, hell maybe it will be both.
the world seems to annoy me, like idk, just people in general. Not that I want to be any less social but people in general just irriate me right now. I can think of really two people that are excluded from this catagory and one group. Travis and Brett, and the group is wow when playing wow because as of late I've really been fixing to want to play. I'm not being extra rude or any diffrent because of it, it's just that now when I chill out and relax by my self or something I get to thinking man people just piss me off, and it's often very often. So yeah, don't know why, but yes the world and everyone gets on my nerves, not really anyones fault... its prob wows fault not playing as often as I like and have no distraction from it seems to make me irritable. Probaly means I'm a addict but oh well it's my addiction and I like it damn it. Idk lol, I hope the world just fucks off for a bit gives me a computer and lets me at my addiction.
cheerful
anxious