Rechan

What's the biggest problem or concern artists have with commissioners?
What is the most common problem or concern artists have with commissioners?

How would you describe the most optimal solution to the problem?

I'm looking to make a site that streamlines the commissioning process, but my #1 priority is to protect both the commissioner and the artist from being ripped off, abused, and otherwise cause the kinds of things that this community is here to address. Right now I'm trying to isolate what the important issues are for artists so I can develop the best way to handle that with policy and web design.

To give an idea, I know that artists have problems with commissioners making too many change requests. I plan on addressing this with the commission process.

I'm writing this for several reasons. One is I'm hoping that by getting it all out there, I'll feel better. Two, when I talk to people I get the same answers that I've already tried so I want to counter that ahead of time. Three, I just want to explain what the hell is going on, demonstrate all I've done and what's working against me. Finally, I've ran out of ideas, and genuinely do not know what to do next. Maybe you can see something that I haven't tried.

I've written this out in a FAQ format to make it easier to navigate.

These aren't excuses, but actual things I have either tried until I hit a dead end, or looked into, or due to circumstances I just cannot do.

Complications and Considerations

The biggest one here is that I am legally blind. I have a prosthetic eye, and the one that functions has severe near sightedness (my face is 5" from the screen right now). I can't drive. This limits me Incredibly.

For instance, it means that either I live in a large city (DC, NYC, Chicago, Seattle, San Fran) with good public transportation, or I live with someone who has a car. Well, the only city I've found that works transportation wise was DC; NYC is too big for me, I just can't cope with it. Also the problem with big cities is they are incredibly expensive - no way I could afford to live there with a minimum wage job, and it's incredibly difficult to get a job somewhere you aren't already living - going to interviews, etc etc. I livd in DC for a year while looking for work, and had to leave because I couldn't afford to live there any longer.

Right now I live with my parents in Tennessee, in a place where cars are mandatory for going anywhere (the nearest business is 7 miles from my house). The only person in the house who can drive is my dad, who works 8-4:30, full time, so unless I get a job that he can take me to in the morning and pick me up, I ain't getting a job - there's no one else who is Reliable who could take me. This means jobs where you're on call don't work, or schedules can vary day by day.

The other is insurance and income. I receive $720 a month from disability, and my insurance is tied to this. As soon as I start working, my check and insurance is cut off in two months. I therefore need to make more than $720 a month and the job has to provide insurance - part time work is right out.

With that said...

You have a Masters degree, doesn't that qualify you to do a lot?
No. I made the mistake of majoring in Psychology. I wanted to be a college professor, but I realized I didn't like it and I don't have the grades to pursue a PhD anyways so I didn't pursue a PhD. With a Masters degree in General Psychology (not counseling, not anything like that), I can only teach community college or work as an orderly somewhere in some outpatient facility. I have applied to jobs like these, no dice. I didn't know I needed internships, I wasn't able to get on any research teams, so my degree is Useless. It was a colossal mistake, a waste of time and immense debt.

What about work experience?
I have next to none, for a few reasons. One is that I thought I could get a job with my education alone. Two, I never got a job because I didn't want to lose my financial aid/insurance/check which was all tied to disability. And I'm finding that out there in the Real World, everyone wants you to have 2+ years of experience doing that specific job. Want to be a secretary? 2+ years experience. Wnat to do research? 2+ years experience. You have no idea how many jobs I've applied for and I've been rejected because "they passed me over for someone more qualified" - everyone is more qualified than me.

Here's my work experience:
Summer camp: 2 months.
Volunteer work with teens: 5 months.
Internship in congress: 5 months.

It's been pointed out to me that an employer looks at that list and sees that I haven't worked anywhere longer than 5 months - a red flag, even though I have legit reasons for working short term there. Furthermore, I have no references from these places. The summer camp guy won't answer his phone, won't answer his messages, won't answer emails - I've had employers tell me they can't reach him for references. The volunteer coordinator is only in the office after 2pm on certain days, so no employer ever can (or don't try) to reach her. And the congressman's staff are out in the wind because he wasn't re-elected - since it was back in 2005 I don't remember names of anyone I interacted with.

Can't you get a job in education, since your degree and some of that work is applicable?
I've tried, so hard - that's been my main focus. I can't do substitute work because they aggressively check your references - see the above question. Also, substitute schedules are sketchy best, unable to guarantee days, and being called in on short notice - see the issue of payment and also ride to work. Tutoring? Either you need to go to someone's house (which I can't get to because lacking ride) or you go to one building where everone is taught, and I've been unable to be hired from those places (they want all tutors to have high scores on standardized tests like SATs etc, and I just don't have the scores). Teaching middle/high school? You need years of experience, plus certification. I've tried to get hired as an adjunct professor, but I've only been contacted for an interview once - and again, passed over for more qualified people. I've looked into being a training instructor for various businesses, but again, they want experience doing that first.

What about the usual entry level jobs like food service, sales, retail or customer service?
I can't due to my vision. I had a job for a day at a bookstore, and I couldn't see the register, or the computer (they had it planted at a certain distance). I couldn't see high up on the shelves to handle magazines. With food service, I have no peripheral vision, and so I can't juggle plates or work in a cramped kitchen where I will run into shit or people. I've tried doing tests for customer service like call centers, you need to juggle a lot of screens, type fast (I can do 90 wpm but my 1-0 numberpad isn't up to par) and so forth and I just can't do it, I've tried. On top of that I don't think I have the social skills for customer service. I am [i]definitely[/i] uncomfortable with sales - I've went on interviews for sales jobs, you are Supposed to convince people to buy things, and I just can't do that in a good conscience.

But I've still looked for other types of jobs - I would happily work at Wal-Mart, or a grocery store, etc for stock, and there are never jobs for those.

Hey, aren't you published? Doesn't that show your ability to compose words and edit and such?
I am, but it's all porn. I've been told from several career people that you just can't put that on your resume. Even if I could, employers that would be hiriing for specific editing or writing work want more than just a few stories, they want an education background in that too, etc etc.

Have you tried...
Yes. I've tapped every resource I can.

Networking?
I've asked relatives, friends, friends of the family - there's either nothing available, there are things but I don't know how to do them, they've tried their best but no dice, or they are in no position to help at all because HR handles everything. I can't network with old classmates because I didn't interact with anyone. No honestly, I didn't make friends, I didn't do shit, I went to class and then went home. I don't even remember people's names, and I don't think Networking works in the "Hi, we never talked but we had a class together - can I have a job?" Bottom line: I know no one.

Going back to school?
I've looked into that; I don't have the grades to get a doctorate, so it's either another Masters or Bachelors degree. It's too late to apply anywhere - most grad programs only accept people for fall, and the deadlines are over so I'd have to wait a year even BEFORE I could attend anywhere. Even if I did, I've checked - schools do not like to carry over more than 9 credit hours, so we're looking at 2+ years college. This, on top of the $70,000 I have in student loan debt. Going back to school also doesn't address the ROOT problem of me having a ton of education but ZERO experience.

Internships and volunteering?
1) I have both of those on my resume and neither has helped in the past. 2) I can't get internships now because everywhere I look, they are for CURRENT STUDENTS and for majors I don't have. 3) Volunteer work? Sure, there's soup chickens and other bullshit, but that's not going help. More importantly, 4) I need years of experience here, and unless I'm willing to just volunteer for years, then it's not going to really be worth it.

Job Placement agencies?
Yes. They work one of two ways: 1) There's not a human being who helps you Get a job, they merely help you write a resume, gain interview skills, and give you access to a database of jobs you could find anywhere else online. I've already gotten all the resume/interview help I need. 2) They're a temp agency that does have a human who helps you find a job, but they have to Accept you into their program. These places want you to upload your resume onto their database, and if they decide you're worth their time, they contact you. I've tried two separate places like this, they don't talk to me, they say 'We'll get in touch if we are satisfied with your resume'. No amount of harassment helps.

Programs that give you a job and training at the same time, like Teach for America or teaching English overseas?
Yes, Teach for America (and another similar program, TNTP) rejected me. Also, if I can't function in an American city because of my eyesight, get around, etc, then I sure as hell can't do it overseas. I need to see glacoma doctors, I take anti-depressants - I will need doctors and all this other stuff, plus moving around, and I just do not think I can DO it overseas.

Getting some Disability office to help you find work?
I tried that in DC and all I received was the runaround. Here, I've made calls, but not received any interviews. I don't have my hopes up though.

What about extra training before getting a job?
The disability place in DC hooked me up with a training program. I went through the training. There are no jobs for it that I can find. It was a complete wash.


Conclusion

I have no clue what to do next. It feels like I have turned over every rock, I've tried every bit of advice, and I've applied and applied and interviewed and interviewed until I can't think straight anymore. Looking at job ads actually makes me want to cry at this point and it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. Right now I genuinely do not believe that anyone will hire me - there's no more "try" left in me, because every single avenue that I have put at my disposal has been a big fat NO. I've used up all my effort and have nothing to show for it. And I can only see "no" so any times before I lose all hope.

So that's why I can't find work.

I went to my primary care doctor today. I hate going. Why?

I gained about 18 pounds since I went in last year. All he talked about was how at risk I am for Diabetes, heart attack and stroke, because I'm overweight (and getting worse), and my blood pressure is high. He acts like I'm not AWARE of my weight, or like I LIKE being the way I am.

First of all, all I hear when I hear this is "Don't you KNOW you're fat and ugly? You're a pathetic fatty loser fatfat fattyfat". Because that's part of my issues, and I was dealing with that while I talked with the therapist that I DID have.

Secondly, because I feel like I can do zero about it. He pretty much handed me a Diet list, and everything I eat is in the "DO NOT EAT NO" column. The ENTIRE good food list was: Fish, chicken without skin, salad, green vegetables, egg whites, yogurt, and fruit. That's not food, that's not going to be filling in the least. Among other things I eat not to feel hungry, and the shit I should be eating doesn't last.

If every single thing that I eat is bad, and that's all I've ever done, completely stopping is too radical a change. It's like saying to someone, "You need to stop using electricity completely. Just stop." I don't know to cook. I don't know what else (beyond that tiny list) I'm supposed to eat, because everything apparently is bad.

So I'm completely lost as to how to eat.

Of course the obvious response is "Hey just exercise, then you can eat whatever you want." No, for several reasons.

1) The issue here isn't just weight, it's health. Blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Even if I was exercising, I couldn't just eat fried cheese and bacon all day. It's about salt, sugar, fat.

2) Exercise may be less complex than food choice, but it's harder. Compare figuring out what food to eat, then buying that and just not eating other things is easier than Going to a Specific Place* at a Specific Time and Working Out (which is tough and hard) three times a week.
*Yes a specific place, just working out at home is even TOUGHER, and things like Running really aren't effective at weight loss. And Gyms are expensive.

3) Oh yeah, workouts make you HUNGRY, so back to square one.

So I'm left with the impression that I'm just going to fucking die soon, and there's dick all I can do about it because I'm too weak. It's too hard, the required change necessary is too much, too soon.

Couple this with the fact I feel like I am not going to get a job, and be forced to move back home with my parents and be stuck and isolated, I'm just ready to stop existing. I want to give up because I've already lost, and all of this is just dragging out the pointless struggle in vain.

I have reached the point where I really don't want to talk to anyone about anything where we disagere.

That's pretty radical and you immediately are going to say "Wow that's close minded", but here's the thing.

There are only two reasons to argue or talk about something you disagree over.

1) To change the other person's opinion.
2) To defend your own.

Let's talk about 1. I've got a big background in psychology, and I know that regardless of new information, 9 times out of 10, people do not change their minds. It is very taxing to re-write information or opinion in your head; typically, you just dismiss/forget/make a caveat for 'ok in that instance I'm not 100% correct, but in GENERAL what I think is true." This happens even if you present people with absolute proof they are incorrect, it's unlikely that they will accept it and change their opinion, because that is hard on a cognitive level, not to mention their personal picadillos like being stubborn or not wanting to 'lose face' by accepting they're wrong, etc. So I see it, 9 times out of 10, as a waste of time, because people just will not budge.

Ok, what about that 10% of the time when they do change their mind? My answer is: so what?

So what, they changed their opinion in line with yours. What does that mean? For practical terms, not a damn thing.

Let's take something controversial but pointless, like Support for Israel. Regardless of your opinion, it doesn't matter. Nothing you say or do will change our government's behavior towards Israel, or our political climate towards Israel. So if you change your opinion one way or the other, what does that mean for you? It means that you get annoyed when you see people say things that are against your opinion, and you feel better when people agree with your opinion. That's it. It's merely 'This pisses me off' vs. 'that does'.

The point here is that most opinions - whether this director's movies are good, what your stance on immigration is, which subculture is stupid - will not impact your behavior at all. Maybe you'll defend it to someone else, or oppose it to someone else, but again, see the whole 'ti doesn't matter', so what?

"What about people who are abusive to those who disagree with them? Like standing up for social justice?" Congrats, you found an exception to the general rule. Acting on behalf of social justice is great.. But this is one of those rare situations where it's a socially tense issue. There's actual voting taking place about people's rights. There's something easy that can be done. More oftehn than not tho, this isn't the case.

There's also the situation of bias behavior. If you think x about y, then you'll act in those manners. Again, this is a general rule: your behavior doesn't matter. Let's say you're against abortion rights. Unless you 1) protest with big fetus signs outside of Planned Parenthood, 2) give money to anti-abortion groups/anti-politicians, 3) give someone shit for having gotten an abortion, or 4) vote for pro-life candidates, then your opinion effects no one. Notice that there are two trends here: being a dick to someone else because you disagree, and supporting political groups who, unlike individuals, can effect the process. Politicians and Lobbyists have power, whether Joe thinks global warming is bullshit but never votes, give money, or acts like a dick, does not.

So let's go back to #2: defending it. That's merely making you feel legitimate for holding your opinion. You want to prevent someone from saying you're wrong, by showing them you're right. Well, again, if it doesn't matter whether you change someone's opinion, than your opinion doesn't matter either.

Either the opinion you hold doesn't matter/is personal preference ("That guy's movies are lame"), or it won't effect you 9 times out of 10, the 10th being Political Action and Being a Dick.

(Yes, I consider discrimination (acting on prejudices - "Whites Only" to be in the Being a Dick category)

First let me explain a few things. (Notice how this LJ has become me explaining all the horrors in infodumps for twitter friends?)

1) I work for a camp teaching magic. The camp consists of 2 people (a supervisor and assistant) at an elementary, doing magic and herding the kids for about 6 hours (9-3). We're supposed to show up at 8:30 to set up, and kids get picked up at 3-3:30.

2) This is a Small Business. My boss contracts through the county to use the spaces, and the county gets most of the money.

My boss had said this previously, but Sunday he repeated it for everyone: "If you are Late (by like 30-minutes or so), or you Don't Show Up, then you're not just possibly losing your job. If you don't show up, the parents might raise hell at the county, and I might lose the contracts. If I lose the oontracts, I lose my job, everyone here loses their job, and this business closes." This was said, of course, to ingrain the seriousness that hey, you just can't afford to fuck around with this job.

So began today. Yesterday it took me about 1 hour and 10 minutes to get to the job site. That was subway + bus. After I get off the bus, I have to walk just a little bit (and yesterday I wasn't sure how to get there). Yesterday, I left around 6:30 so I could get there with enough time to deal with everything and have extra time. So today I shifted my time so that I'd arrive closer to 8:30; I got to the subway station at 7:07.

To ride the subway, you can buy passes (which are temporary) or have a permanent card that you just put money on. I tried to put quarters on my card, because I had a big bag of them. After $4 in quarters, the machine stopped counting them, and after a minute of fumbling, I had waited too long to do anything, the machine automatically ended the transaction - and ate my money. I complained to the train guy, and he said "Fill this form out". Which was my address. Then I went back - and walked up to a Different machine - and fed it a $5 bill. The machine said, "Mm that was good. BUT SURPRISE I'M OUT OF ORDER." Now I both argued with teh train man, and charged my credit card just to put money on it.

So it's now about 7:25.

Understand that two different train lines go through my station. I had to get on the Yellow train. So, I had to WAIT on the yellow train. I did not get on a yellow train until 7:38. I text my boss letting him know I was delayed, I'll be there.

I made it to the station I was supposed to get off around 8:02. I go to the bus stop and wait. At the bus stop, there are two busses that come here: 10A and 10B. Now remember, I'm nervous, I'm biting my nails, I need that bus to get there because I NEED TO BE THERE. It's like a 15 minute bus ride + several minutes walking.

The first bus that showed up I got on. I got on the 10B.

As soon as I realized this, I got off and jogged back to the station. I get to the station, and wait some more.

A 10A shows up. I jump on it. Did you know that on a bus route, there are busses that go in BOTH directions? Guess who didn't know that until today.

After about 5 minutes the bus driver looks at me and says, "What's your stop?" I say, "So and so." "You're going the wrong way." He stops the bus and says, "Across the street is a stop, wait for the bus going the right way to pick you up."

I get out. And wait. And wait. Because this is the last 5 minutes of the bus's circuit, it takes a Long Time for a bus to come get me. A long time. Finally one comes to get me.

I get a call from a parent (a parent who by the way was a real busybody troublemaking bitch yesterday to me, but I won't get into that). She said "There is only one person here checking in. I'm Concerned. If this is how this program is ran, I'm going to make a complaint, because I don't feel comfortable just leaving my kids with a teenager." I was as polite as I could be under these circumstances, and as soon as I got off the phone with HER, my boss calls, asking where I was.

I finally get to work at 9:40. Two hours after I got on the subway. My assistant looks at me and says, "Yeah, several parents said they were concerned there was only one person here."

Now, there is this Aftercare program. Kids can stay from 3-5 for pickup at 5. Since this week there was a scheduling problem and the person who was supposed to show up isn't, what's happening is this: One assistant is with me half the day, and the second arrives at 2 and goes through to 5. But, the morning assistant today left at 12 because he had a family emergency, he had told my boss this last night.

So I was left alone with them for 2 hours.

I was already a nervous wreck by the time I GOT to work, let alone while my assistant was there, keeping them in line. But I was the ONLY person watching them, keeping them inline. I caught kids throwing scissors. I had to take them outside and we had to go in rather quickly because a girl had to go to the bathroom (policy dictates one person takes a kid inside, the other stays outside). It was HELL just keeping them from not hurting themselves or destroying the building.

I feel like I can't handle this. It drives me up the wall that I was fucked not by my own actions, but by things outside of my control (the transit system's delays, and my ignorance of it). I didn't want to jeoperdize my boss's business, or leave the assistant too long by himself, or anything. But my god.

I got off the phone with my old therapist, and his attitude was that I'm just dealing with too much new and stressful things at once, so I naturally feel overwhelmed. But, while this is my Boss's problem (not having enough man power/people to send in quickly), just quitting is going to do me a disservice because these mistakes won't happen again. I'm learning the bus system, I know better next time, etc etc. Not to mention I need the meager money I'm making. Just compartmentalize one day at a time and take precautions.

Also I had a phone interview today. It went very well. But the guy said that he's wittling the potential hirees from a pool of 170, so there are a lot of other really qualified people competing for a small number of jobs. The same tune I keep hearing. :/

This week has been very crazy and stressful and so full of drama that I could just disown my family and I don't think anyone would blame me.

The reader's digest version

My parents had a physical fight, were arrested, got out of jail, and since then my mother has been an absolute selfish unreasonable child. All while my grandmother is on her death bed. I fled the house, stayed at a relative, and finally went back to NY. My parents are awaiting their court date, may go to jail, and the outcome is unknown. Their court date is monday. Because a weapon was involved, this is a class 3 felony. Mom broke her probation, and she very well may go to jail. My aunt (a paralegal) is going to try and get her in some mental health place instead. Dad might go to jail too. We don't know if they are getting a divorce. If jail or divorce, dad is not paying the house payment, so they will lose their house. And right now everyone is fed up with mother.

The long version
( Read more...Collapse )

So I'm flying home for a week.

A few weeks ago I found out my grandma had a brain tumor. Friday they got the biopsy back, found out it was terminal, and gave her a year to live. The tumor + the surgery has left her not completely there.

Now, my grandma is absolutely terrified. She throws an absolute fit if a family member is not in her sight at all times, because she is afraid of dieing without a family member nearby. My mom, her siblings, and her aunt are taking turns doing the round-the-clock-daily thing. Because my aunt works and my uncle is a trucker, my mother has spent only five days apart from my grandma in the last three weeks.

My grandma is demanding my presence. Despite all of us being in financial straits, my mom paid for my plane ticket to spend five days at home next week with them.

God do I not want to go. Not want to see her like this, deal with everyone so stressed, deal with this.

My relationship with my grandmother is not great. I am not necessarily distraught she is dieing (it's sad but not hard on me). The worst part to me is that for an extended period of time, this is going to put a lot of strain on everyone, especially my mother, and how this is a huge disruption to everyone's life.

In Portal 2, there's a lovely quote about when life hands you lemons, you make flammable lemons and burn down life's house with them.

I think the 'lemons to lemonade' phrase really gets a bum rap, because it's seen as the politest way of saying "Suck it up", or alternatively it's the cheery optimist. There's no realistic component or no emotional sympathy in it. But I've realized something when it comes to life, and it relates to this saying.

Let's say your house is engulfed in fire. You have no control over this fire, and there is nothing you personally can do to stop it. All you can do is watch until the fire's out.

Now there you are, your house has been burned down, all of your possessions except what you could grab are gone. What do you do? You could become homeless - you couldn't have prevented or stopped the fire, and now you have nowhere to live, there's nothing you can do about that. You could go to a shelter and stay. You could move in with your parents, or stay with some friends. You could file for insurance and buy a new home. You could decide that this is a good time to move somewhere you always wanted.

Once something bad happens to you, or a plan falls through, the choice you make to deal with it is important. You always have choices. What you want to do is to make the situation your own. It's not "grin and bare it" but to find some way to benefit you, to make a outcome more bearable by using your own talents. Because one the unchangeable event has occurred, now it's on you to do something about it.

Too many people surrender because they couldn't control what happened before, and now where they are is different (often worse). Don't do that.

After I wrote that big "I hate this shit" post, I came to realization that I did have options. That teachers likely didn't read that email that the Coordinator sent to everyone. That I could still ask other teachers, even those outside of the department. I was going to Fight this thing.

Initially I contacted the Old graduate Coordinator for advice to see if I should consult the Dean. Well, I ran into her today at Subway and laid out my situation.

Her first response was, "Yeah, I can see how you feel the way you do. It's just unfortuante." But then she said, "The three grad students I was advising have all graduated. Next semester I'm up for Tenure, so I will be a little busy, but not too busy that I can't work with you." She is much more flexible as a teacher/adviser; her research interests don't have to gel completely with a student's thesis. I like her, I've been in her class before, and mesh much more comfortably.

Furthermore, she was suggesting to me ways not only to make my thesis process more expeditious so that I can graduate in December, but also ways to make the thesis itself more attractive to potential interviewers looking to hire me.

Now, she's going to a conference in Turkey and when she gets back in two weeks, we'll sit down and talk. In the interim I'm supposed to do more research - look up theories related to what I want to do, and think of ways to work a thesis into those theories. This means I have to do a lot more reading, there's a big question mark as to what I am going to do - but that question mark is colored in a very positive hue.

I'm cautiously optimistic about things going forward. This is going to work.

I've previously documented the asinine Odyssey of this thesis situation and I'm already at the point that I just resent this whole thing.

The problem is that I have to learn a whole entire field, with all its terminology and meaning. A field I don't care about. And not only do I have to come up with an idea, but it has to reinforce existing theories or tie into things OMG NEW. The teacher's expectations are high.

See, a thesis takes somewhere from 9 months to a year of hard work. The counterbalance to all this soul-numbing work is that you care about your topic. It's something you're passionate about.I am not. I have been forced to do this topic because, unable to find anyone else and the school has to let me do it otherwise I cannot graduate, she is forced to do it herself. And because she has to do it, I have to do a topic she is familiar with/cares about.

Thus I have the department's rejection by inaction on top of the whole process.

So any time I sit down to begin, any time I think about doing it, I am filled with such impotent rage and frustration. I resent my adviser. I resent the Department. I resent the work. I have the feeling this emotion is just going to Persist. If this continues, I think I might end up being rude to my adviser.

And I want to go to the Graduate School Dean. I want to sit down and tell her exactly how I feel. However, I don't think that's a good idea. The results will likely be negative. Either she says "Sucks to be you", she gets on the phone and has a Talk with the Psychology chair and my grad coordinator, they fix it - but they resent me for going over their heads about it, OR she gets on the phone and has a Talk... but no beneficial resolution can be found, so they resent me And the problem continues.

I know that in the end I'm going to have to suck up doing something I hate for 9-12 months, just for the delayed gratification of getting the hell out of here. Because I have no choice. And I hate that.