Rational Snark

What you are trying to do only works in B-grade horror movies.

We don't discriminate against idiots. We have a wide and varied selection.

Dear person on the T,

There is one of you, and at least 30 of us in the same trolley car. Therefore, you annoy everyone to a factor of 30 with your long, personal conversation that ends with you yelling into the cellphone loud enough to hear on the other side of the car, and worse my MP3 player was low on batteries and I could not drown you out.

We don't give a shit about you or your personal trouble, we are all trying to get to work, school or something else in peace and do not care about your problems which you are broadcasting loud and clear for all of us. Kindly take it somewhere else or have the sense to get off your phone while in a public place.

I had to put up with this crap when I had a college dorm too, but because you are in a public place you have even less of an excuse.

Hey. Thanks for asking me out earlier this week when I was downtown. I think you are pretty cute too. Sure, I'd love to get Chinese with you some time and chat. Wednesday? Great.

But yeah, guy, with the plaid shorts. Thanks for picking me up! No really, it was so cute that you picked me up and acted like you didn't care nor wanted to be there. It was starting to feel like a teen movie- a Cute guy asks out the slightly socially awkward girl in glasses on a dare, they have a date, he ends up falling for the hot bitch chick despite actually having lots of fun with glasses girl, ugly girl cries about it and plaid shorts and glasses ends up together in the end anyway.

But if this was only a C grade summer movie.

I only thought it was a little demoralizing that you kept staring at my tits the entire time you moved your Schezuan shrimp around in their highlighter orange grease sauce. Yep. They're tits. This dress makes them look nice, wouldn't you agree? Oh sorry, I was trying to make conversation with you. Sorry, yeah, no, please don't let me interrupt you as you stare at the 4.5x2.4 glowing screen of your iPhone.

Normally when you go out to eat you offer your date a taste of your food. Instead of a "No thanks" or polite decline, you look as if I've just offered to take a shit in your mouth. Its not shit, it's tofu.

"Tofu doesn't do it for me".

Oh, excuse me. Let me slather Broccoli Beef over your cock instead.

"I'm tired." You say.

And I know our date has ended. No box, Chinese Ma'am. I don't want a boxed memory in my fridge when I go for the cranberry juice of Plaid Shorts and his iPhone and his obsession with my milk making organs.

Oh, and that seat belt move? Why did you un-click it when I was leaving your car? Did you honestly think you were going to get a kiss goodbye?

I'd rather take a shit in your mouth.

Dear Parents of the Child for Whom I Babysit,

It is good to be mindful of what you say and do in the presence of your children, and I appreciate that you are. However, obsessing at length about minor things will accomplish nothing other than self-torture. Especially if you're not honest with yourself about your own hopes and desires.

I realize the popular developmental psych trend for a long time has been a kind of no-win situation. We have this idea that children are supposed to have their own personalities, and parents are not to do anything to try to cram their individual-ness into molds that don't fit. At the same time, Parents are cautioned that young children are so very malleable that Mother and Father's every sneeze and fart will leave a yawning crevasse in their child's psyche that they'll spend years of therapy trying to fix when they turn into bitter, resentful, maladjusted adults.

Here's what I think: environmental factors and parental care play their role, but your child has and is developing her own personality and sense of identity, in spite of anything that you, I, or anyone else could do about it. When issues of gender identity come up (that's not so much what you tend to be focused on at twenty months) she will have her own mind about that too. More to the point, my referring to a child whose given name is "Lilian" as "Lil" instead of you preferred "Lily" is not going to make her "more masculine" or turn her into "a butch" as you put it, which I guess goes to demonstrate your real agenda.

Dear A__,

You are a bitch. Frankly, I don't know what I did to piss you off, but I'm sick and tired of your "I'm better than you" attitude. I know you disagree with me and that's fine, but could you do it a bit more quietly in a place that isn't in my immediate vicinity, because quite honestly the mere sight of you makes me want to gouge my eyes out and then shoot myself with a nail gun right after so that you aren't the last thing I see before I eventually die from the bigotry oozing off from your presence.

With all the love that I can manage,

Rinna B.

Wow. Apparently I'm crazy to expect a professional blogger to be able to express his own opinions clearly and accurately. Not "to have opinions that reflect the use of intelligence or discernment," not "to argue in favor of those opinions in a persuasive, skillful way." Expecting someone who is paid actual money to regurgitate their mental chatter in text form to faithfully transcribe that mental chatter means I'm a giant Fascist Meanie Poo-poo-Head. I can't argue with what you think you think, genius. Unless your argument is "It all sounded a lot more insightful, cogent, and...you know, right, in my head." in which case I would agree that your proposition is both valid and sound.

hey asshole. if i've mispronounced your last name for the last 2 years, it was up to you to correct me. you don't have to seethe in silence like you were "hearing nails on chalkboard each time." this is what grown-ups do; they tell each other rationally. you're fucking 40 for christ's sake; i'd think you'd know that by now.

Dear stupid in my law class,

The two words you do not want to say while arguing case law is "I feel". Just... no. If I were the judge I would have tossed you out the door and told you go back to law school. Back it up with facts or get out.

No Love,
Me

This isn't a direct snark but it belongs here. I'm sure you all will find a good use for it.

"The internet is telling you to Fuck Off"