r.a.o.k

Dear --

I wish you could see my side of this. How i'm torn between feeling unsatisfied with how things have become so... disgusting and just being plain disgusted. Mostly with you and occasionally with me at how I am still torn, even though it's just a tiny bit.

I've never grown to hate anyone before, but I think I'm growing to hate you. The way that you think you can get away with anything and everything. When we used to fight in the past, when you would ignore me in the past (for weeks, months at a time), I would be angry but the anger would turn to worry would turn back into some fucked up version of love that I let myself be blinded by. The general time frame from anger back to love was usually a week or two max.

It's now been a month and I'm still angry. And every time I think about what has happened, I just get angrier. And I'm beginning to think that maybe God, or whomever tugs my puppet strings, intentionally created this situation. Turned a horrible event into an even more miserable month (temporarily). Temporarily, til I faced it, faced the kind of person I always knew you were but clung to the hope that there was more to you.

You know what? There isn't.

And I am honestly ok with never talking to you again. I cut people out of my life last year that were bad for me. And you're the worst, because when we're together I love you so unconditionally that I sacrifice myself and my self appreciation just to have you touch me, kiss me, look at me.

And I laugh now, that dark-comedy kind of laughter. I laugh because part of me at some point must have believed that having your love (or hearing you say I had it) was actually worth a sacrifice. But it never was, because if there was one thing you are terrible at it is loving someone.

So this is my goodbye. This is me finally closing this chapter of my life, in the hope that someday I will not only love again, but love better and be loved better.

Sincerely,

-- Me

it's really fucking funny in a not so funny way, really. this is one thing I definitely don't miss. When you're not in a relationship it's one less person you have to fuss over. God bless single-dom.

The week has been trucking along, glad it's Friday. Tomorrow is the gym & movie-goodness with friends. Tonight I had a blast getting lost in the South Bay with Steph trying to find the Mongolian BBQ (which we did eventually find, as well as a Baskin Robbins :P) Sunday I will be doing NOTHING but sleeping, reading and perhaps a load of laundry.

My life is quite boring at the moment.

I love how I listen to Pink whenever I want to rip the testicles off a boy.

R.I.P Samantha
1989-2007
You were the best kitty a girl could have ever asked for. You were sweet, protective, soft and cuddly. A piece of my is gone now that you are.

short tiny hiatus.

RIP BILL WALSH

RIP Coach. I grew up watching your team become that of which legends are made. I grew up with you and your "West Coast Offense" that you made so infamous. I grew up with you, and because of you my love of THE GAME came to be.


You will be missed. I don't cry for everyone, but I cried for you.


*pic taken from www.49ers.com

travel-only blog:

http://raok.vox.com/

Dating Observations:

D.O. #34987: falling for someone you will never ever see (because he or she is too busy for you) is a poor, but usually inevitable decision.

D.O. #597: if you like someone, you are never. ever. too busy for them. when someone means something to you, you MAKE time for them.

One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So, leave me acompliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces arepretty. Then, post these words in your own journal. Once you receive afew comments, place the entry in a memory or a tag, and whenever youfeel down, simply click the link to be reminded of what a great personyou are!

Oh - and comments are screened. :)

I have a lot to say, but I haven't been feeling that eloquent with speech lately.