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ranaloreIf you're among the number of people who read my review of Tom Hardy's Minotaur and felt the keen lack of Christopher Lambert's Beowulf in your life, and you have Netflix Instant Queue, RUN, do not walk, to the "New Movies" section and check that bad boy out for the next time you need an excuse for a drinking game with your bff. The folks behind Netflix don't seem particularly inclined toward the sort of delayed shame that would lead them to yank some of the stinkers they're offering, but there's a first time for everything.
Again, if you are not a seasoned veteran* of watching spectacularly bad genre movies, I must stress that this is not the place to start. I recommend watching a few seasons of Mystery Science Theater 3000 until you get a feel for how it's done, then assemble a posse of your geekiest friends for a Hammer Horrorfest. Once you've made it, unscathed, through the combined offerings of Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Oliver Reed, you're probably ready to hunt down the movie in which your favorite teen heartthrob played either a serial killer, the victim of a serial killer falsely mistaken for being the serial killer, some form of shapechanging critter, or the falsely-suspected victim of a shapechanging critter. Trust me, he made at least one. If you can stomach it, then you might be ready to take on the random and ridiculous shit professional pisstakers like Christopher Lambert, Tony Todd, and Rutger Hauer get up to when left to their own devices.
*My earliest recollection of watching the Saturday Afternoon Double Creature Feature with Papa Eros is when I was four. I suspect he started me earlier than that, though, and I'm nearly forty now. So if your bad genre movie-watching experience is under three decades, you might want to proceed with caution on this one.
Again, if you are not a seasoned veteran* of watching spectacularly bad genre movies, I must stress that this is not the place to start. I recommend watching a few seasons of Mystery Science Theater 3000 until you get a feel for how it's done, then assemble a posse of your geekiest friends for a Hammer Horrorfest. Once you've made it, unscathed, through the combined offerings of Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Oliver Reed, you're probably ready to hunt down the movie in which your favorite teen heartthrob played either a serial killer, the victim of a serial killer falsely mistaken for being the serial killer, some form of shapechanging critter, or the falsely-suspected victim of a shapechanging critter. Trust me, he made at least one. If you can stomach it, then you might be ready to take on the random and ridiculous shit professional pisstakers like Christopher Lambert, Tony Todd, and Rutger Hauer get up to when left to their own devices.
*My earliest recollection of watching the Saturday Afternoon Double Creature Feature with Papa Eros is when I was four. I suspect he started me earlier than that, though, and I'm nearly forty now. So if your bad genre movie-watching experience is under three decades, you might want to proceed with caution on this one.
