Lord Of This World, Evil Possessor

i went on another bender where I drank a fifth a day for weeks. It ended dec 29th. Ive been dried out for 77 days now. 

I keep getting violent painful shocks, mostly in my feet, but sometimes all over. It would seem to be neuropathy, related to my diabetes, but the diabetes has never been under better control. I take meds for it and every day my blood sugar tests at 100, more or less. It might be because i got a new warehouse job where im on my feet all night, and for awhile i was wearing shoes that were too tight, those things mightve fucked me up.

I told my bartender friend I passed out at ANOTHER BAR, NOT HERS, and they called 911 on me. She will not serve me anymore, even if I was drinking. I must be the first person in history who got 86d at a bar for something he did AT A DIFFERENT BAR.  Personally I think thats not professional of her.

Gf is still around but i work weekends and nights so I barely see her. i took her out for a $300 dinner around our 8th anniversary this past January.

1. I have diabetes. I havent tested my blood sugar in a long time because i couldnt draw enough blood, and the tester would only give me an error message. Finally, this past saturday i got a reading-my blood sugar was FUCKING 400.

If you dont know anything about this-average/good/normal is between 90 and 120. I looked up 400, and results were "you need to go to a fucking hospital."

I did not. I stopped eating sugar, i fasted for a night, the next day the reading was 290. Better, out of the emergency range, but still real fuckin bad. The lowest rating iv gotten so far was 210 today. 

2. Because of all this ive started a new diet-no white sugar, no white flour or carbs. Like one tablespoon of sugar a day total. (for my my coffees.) No candy, cake, sugared cereal, or ice cream. Since i mostly cut sugar i drink less coffee too, like 2 cups a day.

I feel like total dogshit. I cant tell if its cause my blood sugar is so high, or im fucked up from the new lack of it.

Mother, brother in law, and best friend are all fuckin trump supporters.

fml. And none of them are stupid...theyre just FUCKING CRAZY. Which i guess is enough.

I LOVE PLAYSTATION NOW.

Basically it's like netflix for video games, but cheaper. It's $10 a month, $5 if you pay in advance for a year, totally worth it either way. If you bought 2 brand new games in a year it would be $120. $60 if you got one. They have a huge library of games you can play online. You lose the games if you stop using the service, but I rarely replay games anyway, and you can replay them if you keep the service. All your games get saved on the PS cloud.

Games I am playing right now:

God of War, Prey, Doom, Dead Space 3, Bioshock, Saints Row 4, Bloodborne.

Why the fuck didnt I sign up for this last march when I got the PS4? 

Im also playing Batman: Arkham Knight on disc, which I fucking love.But it had the biggest hold up/break I ever had in a game. I got stuck on this one driving part back in april-i just couldnt pass it, i hated the batmobile parts, i gave up in frustration, i thought id never go back. For some reason i gave it one more try this week, and got past it! Now its flowing great and I love the batmobile, although I still think too much of it is based around driving. 

A lot of people (probably most) wake up one day and realize that their life isnt really worth living and theyre never going to amount to anything. Some people kill themselves, others think "meh, whatever, i still have to go to work."

"The Irishman".

I think its very hard for people to go into something open minded. They either go in expecting it to be great, or expecting it to be shit. Most of the reviews of "the irishman" either say it's great, or shit. Im a big scorcese fan. i saw it. i dont think its great, but its okay/good, its not shit. My thoughts on it.

1. the length. Even at like 3 and a half hours, the time flies by. But it also feels like not much actually happened.

2.the tone. It's really not funny at all-unless you count some of the scenes as dark humor, its REALLY not funny. not like how "Goodfellas" or "Wolf on Wall Street" were. It's even less funny than "the departed."

3. The movie straight out tells you the mafia got JFK elected, and assasinated. So now he's just straight up in tarantino territory. Even though many people believe these things, they are not established history, and based on the book by a mob guy and contract killer, so maybe anything he says should be taken with a grain of salt.

4. Pacino. Total ham, as usual. I dont know much about Jimmy Hoffa, but i dont feel like pacino was playing him-I feel like he was playing himself, as usual.

5. Pesci. WOW. WHAT A SUPRISE. in contrast to pacino, he totally downplays eevrything-his kind of guy is the kind that smiles to your face but is always scheming and does everything behind the scenes, he's not going to choke you out at dinner over an insult.He'll just keep his mouth shut and later youll just dissapear.

i think the problem was neither of us was honest about what we had, and what we wanted.

I dont need to see inside someone's soul. i dont want someone to know everything about me, and vice versa. I want something light. Easy. Casual.

She needs something SUPER DEEP AND SERIOUS and INTIMATE.

Fuck that. im tired of people and their bullshit, and i want them at arms length.

why would you want to be closer to ANYONE?????

maybe thats what I have. i dont really feel or enjoy anything. But I wasnt always like this. I probably burned out the pleasure circuits of my brain after decades of alcohol use.

this song really makes me miss being young.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka…