Hello friends. I am afraid that this has been a long time coming and now I must pull the plug. I have had some great times here in Rock Thrill but I have found more bad than good here. Since I will be moving away I am going to sever all ties with my past in hopes of making a better future. For the most part this will be the last post I will leave here in this journal. I will create a new one but I am only going to choose a few persons to know what it is. You have all been great and I wish you all the best in your lives and where they take you. That is all from me, Sports Fans.
A woman was in the store today. A small, withered black woman. She wore the funniest little hat-it reminded me of the oysters from Alice in Wonderland. I wanted to warn her of a rogue walrus but I doubt she would have gotten the pun.
( A PoemCollapse ) I hope you enjoyed that poem. Its the best I have ever written, I think. Parents home in the morning. Must clean.
The past few days have been great and eventful. On Thurday morning I finally made love to the man I have adored for the past four years. Afterwards I went to Haromy's house and chilled with her. We babysat her little bro Jeff(11) and little sister Alexia (2). Jordon arrived a little before two with some movies. He wanted to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. We did. It was fun. He is such a cool gay guy! I left just after four that afternoon and went home. I called Meagan and asked if she wanted to go hang out at Midtown. I went to her house for a while. Her cousin Robbie was there. We fianlly went to Midtown in his car. We rolled down the windows and blarred Rob Zombie. (Like a dagger fallin' on your Baby! Meet the Creeper!") Kayla's boyfriend showed but and he stayed with us until we left. We shot some pool. Robbie and Kenneth kicked my ass! They also complimented me by saying that I'm the only gay dude they know that likes to hang out in sports bars smoking like a true Marlboro man and playing pool while checking out the waitress' asses and hot racks. What can I say? I like women occassionally... After that I was supposed to call Melissa but I was tuckered out by then and I feel asleep on the couch. I called you earlier that day, Eve, but you never answered. I figured you were with friends. Today, I woke up and went straight to work. I had to stock all night. It was cool. Shawn is terribly boring but Jeremy is cool as hell. My parents are coming back in the morning and so I will be restriced to one post per day if I am lucky. That also means I have a curfew again. Damnit! Well, thats all for now.
This entry is extremely special, at least through my eyes. Nothing contained within is bad but I need some closure. I m terrible with telling people things like this to their face. Search the list below because there are people on it that I haven't spoken to in years. These are comments and such to people who have significantly affected my life, especially during the nightmare that was high school. Please post a reply. It will mean an awful lot to me if you do. Each of you has given me something I use in everyday life. I wonder if you realize just what it is...
All my gifts are here but out of order. Thanks everyone! Collaging, humor, my darkness, love of bracelets, Denny's, pride, movies, pancakes, Marlboros, ultra-violet socks, Britney Spears, syrup, killing puns, "Dawg", & Nicole Kidman.
I am so incredibly sick of being dumped both in relationships and now the category includes friends. I am fed up past my limit and it is about to coming over flowing onto those around me. Greg, you never called me. Fuck you. Brad, you never called me. Fuck You. Ashley, you never called me. Fuck you. I expected this from the other two but not from a friend. You were supposed to call me when you got off of work and low and behold here it is 1 o'clock in the morning and I am alone and sober. I wanted to get high and here I am alone. Why does this keep happening? I don't see a pattern here! I could see this coming from two faggots but not from you. You're not flighty like they are. Why do people treat me like this. I seriously want to know. Do you all just think I'm a chump? And you don't really care about me... but you want to toy with me? That's not fair not all my friends treat me like shit. Oh well, nothing else really happened today.
( A DeathCollapse ) After Meagan and I drove around we went to her house and I took control of my car once again and came home to wait for Ashley to (not) call.
I woke up and got to my grandmother's house by 9am. She took me to her beautician. Then, she "fixed" my hair. It is now a nice caramel blonde. So in the past week I have gone through the three phases of Aguilera: Bleach Blonde ---> Raven Black ----> Caramel Blonde Which is cool but somewhat creepy. I did not plan that out in order for it to be deliberate. So I met up with Kayleigh and we visited for about an hour before she had to go to work. We stopped by Winn-Dixie and picked up my paycheck. Then she dropped me off and I went back to my grandmother’s to wash a huge load of clothing. while I was there I called Heather. We talked for awhile about shit in our lives that we once thought was great but turned sour without warning. We also realized you should never put full trust in the ones you love because some of them fail relationships by 1 point and have to go to remedial classes. I picked her up at her gorgeous home and met her mother, cat, and dog. We went to the Outback and ate. Our server’s name was Justin... just thought that was worth noting. I have never had that much fun over dinner before and we surely will do that again. Then I went to Meagan’s house. we ended up driving around for forever and then wandered into Wal-Mart. I remembered that I wanted some CDs so we went to the entertainment center. (I hate these Cocaine Addiction commercials. And I HATE those “Reality Unfiltered” commercials!) I purchased Autobiography by Ashlee Simpson and Here for the Party by Gretchen Wilson. I don't really listen to country music but I swear I cannot get enough of “Redneck Woman”.
“Oh I’m a redneck woman./I ain’t no high class broad. /I’m just a product of my raise and I say ‘Hey ya’ll’ and ‘Yeehaa’./And I keep my Christmas lights up on my front porch all year long./And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song. /So here’s to all my sisters out there keepin’ it country./Let me get a big Hell Yeah from the redneck girls like me!”
Blah. I'm sitting here. The swivel chair! I love to spin round in it. (Pauses to spin in chair) Wow. That was great fun. There are four extinguished smokes in the ashtray. (Pauses to light Marlboro) Ahh that's better. It is just past 4 o'clock in the morn. At 9 this morning I have to meet my grandmother at her home. She is taking me so that I may once again have Winn-Dixie approved hair. God, I hope they do not have to cut it all off. I love my hair dearly. I want it to be long again. Why in Hell did I mutilate it in the first place? *drags* I think I have figured out my miss-directed sexual desires.
I wish more than anything that I could be a model. To have no more fat on my body. I have tried everything short of plastic surgery to fix myself. And I know that my body now is a far cry from what it once was. Praise to weight-loss. People see old pictures of me and beg to know the secret of how I did it. (Trimspa baby! *winks*) I always cough up some bullshit lie about eating right & exercise. Well, no one knows this about me but I suppose its time I was out in the open. The fact of the matter is that I have lost weight due to my being a diagnosed bulimic for the past three years. It helps me keep my weight down but I want to be thin. I want to have a perfectly flat stomach and pecs in lieu of flab. I wish I could be a male version of Eve. Darling, I look to you for more than you know. You are my idol. I wish I had the sex appeal of a slender porn star. The knowledge that men (and in some cases women) masturbate to me would make me the happiest man on earth. Its also weird to me that soon I will not longer be able to refer to myself as a boy or a teen but as a man and not be laughed at. I am so bored out of my mind right now that I actually surfing porn. Which is laughable because I hate pornography. It is so vastly unrealistic. I just want a lover who I can be myself around. One who doesn't care about my mortal imperfections. One who could care less about the entire "top or bottom" theory. I hate that sexual principal- one man is to fuck and the other is to be fucked. I despise that. I want to be in love and sex to merely be and expression of affection. I have tried to play the "nice guy" card but my boyfriends simply walk all over me. I have tried to play the "masculine queer" card and that has only proven to intimidate boys.
My friends tell me rather often "Justin, if you weren't gay I'd totally date you" or "Justin, if you weren't gay I'd do you", that doesn't help matters at all. (Although I do enjoy hearing it...so keep it coming gurls!) I want a guy to say that to me and mean it.
I used to be so insta-ready to use the l-word but now I fear it. I want commitment but I cannot find someone who cares for me. Here, I will eat a plate of steaming crow- Andrew & Cody... You will both be pleased to know that I have been rejected (yet again) by my perspective dates for this week. Both have dumped our plans to spend time with other guys that aren't me. Happy? I'm not.
I hate my life so much. I'm sorry to everyone for always complaining about how I am alone and cold and miserable. I know very well that you have all tired of reading that garbage but I can't help it. I really hurting and no one can (or wants to) take my pain away.
Can anyone give me advice? What am I doing wrong to appall gay men? Do I have BO? I know its not my face or my teeth. Is it my body? Does my personality suck as badly as I think it does?
I'll gladly shut up now. I know you are tired of hearing my pitiful nonsense.
Until the morrow...au dieu. -Justin
Current Music
Jessica Simpson- "Angels" *shrugs* Its on the radio...
Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems, in a place that perhaps you've seen in your dreams. For the story that you are about to be told took place in the Holiday worlds of old. Now you've probably wondered where holidays come from. If you haven't, I'd say its time you begun...
I want nothing more than to sleep. Sleep where art thou? Rachel Perry is delicious (apologies Eve... bad Xerox Feline!) rather, she is delectable. It is laughable, really, when a recording artist is forced to wallow in chocolate to mask the reality that she can neither sing nor dance. **cough Christina Milian cough** I am encoffined by a literal fog inside my very own bedchamber. Damn the joys of Sandalwood incense. I must learn to pace myself! I need to open my window and awaken my ceiling fan.
Work 'til 5 this evening. Karen has invited me for a midnight swim at her house afterwards. I have graciously accepted her offer. I was pondering a possible photography excursion to local cemeteries; perhaps even Lando. The Forest Hill's pond is particularly desolate this time of year. (must buy film) Hark! Sleep finally beckons.
