Inaction is a weapon of mass distruction

How awesome!!


Things with me and Nikki are doing well. Still waiting for Erika to leave, but I think finding the two of us sleeping in her and Nikki's bed when she got home from work might help her leave soon. We weren't even touching, but she was super pissed. Nikki was surprised that she didn't wash the sheets. XD

One of the sucky things about being me is I'm sort of a natural profiler of people's behavior. It's why I'm good at manipulating people. I use it on my friends sometimes without noticing I'm doing it. Like how I told Nikki that I thought most of her relationships with people were based on sex and that I don't want ours to be, even if I were sleeping with her. That was when she said she liked me too much too soon.

Well she's really cocky, always saying how awesome she is. I know a bit of her history and I'm learning more and I realized that the reason she does that is because she doesn't actually think so. So last night I said "You do know you really are awesome, right?" I was the first person, in 30 years, to tell her that. I could have cried when she told me. She should have been told it everyday. She actually said that she had done nothing for or to me to make me think that. So I listed everything off. Like, I don't know, taking me in. She gave me money for gas when I thought I might run out. She bought me arch supports so my feet won't hurt. She said as long as I believe it then that's what counts, so I told her it helps if she thinks it too. I also told her that she is as deserving of love as any other person. I don't think she believes that either.

She really does deserve someone who wants her to be happy and not someone who is using her for sex. I hope I can do that.

If I disappear for a while and you hear about the police trying to find me I am not in the Bahamas and I did not kill Erika.





Seriously though. She's a bitch who I hope lives a very long life and lives it alone, and then dies alone thinking back, the whole time, on how she fucked up her life by being a manipulative bitch who doesn't deserve to ever be happy.

Shit was pulled last night. Shit you don't pull on your worst enemy, much less the woman that you are trying to get back with you.

I swear if she ever makes Nikki cry again, or does anything to upset her so much that I come home from work and find her on my floor sleeping with my stuffed animal because I'm not there to comfort her, I will let loose my psychopathic personality. My apathy is the only thing that keeps my torturing, manipulative personality under wraps, but I have no apathy for her now.

She would be hard to move and blood is notoriously difficult to clean up, so I am trying to refrain.

But hey, one good thing, my room is clean and so is my laundry. And the kitchen, and the living room, and my bathroom.

I swear, for loving winter I really freaking hate it.

I have an awful cough right now. Like really bad. It's from a chest cold, but having gotten bronchitis 2x means it's worse for me than just a regular chest cold.

So, Nikki and I went on our first date last night :D We went to Texas de Brazil and were mobbed by men with meat. It was really fun and good tasting. Well then we made out way to Lazerz for Cassie's birthday celebration and we got there about 45 minutes earlier than them. So we sat in a chair and listened to the music and watched these two girls try to sex up the bar and this one guy dance by himself on the floor. At one point Nikki freaked a bit and said she was frustrating herself because she wasn't letting herself touch me.

Well Cassie, her sis and Greg showed up and the club got busier. I danced a bit and then had an amaretto sour. Cassie tried to say I looked tipsy off of it. Silly girl. She liked it though. Well then there was some song where you did a bit of line dancing thing and so I dragged Cassie out there because she didn't think she could learn it. I taught her and we had fun and I'm sure Nikki was amused. We danced in a circle later and then it was time to go home at about 2. Well we were going to have an after party. Cassie and I got drunk, but mine wore off, it was just because I hadn't had anything to eat. We played Guitar Hero and everyone left around 5:30-6am.

The party then moved into my room. Kissing Nikki has now moved from slightly weird to I like it. So we made out. Seriously made out. She likes when I bite her. And scratch. Well things are progressing nicely when all of a sudden it's too intense for me and I have another mini panic attack. She's really good about it and I kind of cry a little, when I ask to blow my nose because it's really running. Oh, never mind that, it's a nose bleed(I get them all the time in winter). She has blood all on her shirt and it's on my sheets and pillow a bit. >< How uncool. Well I handle it and I'm all better.

I come back and Nikki asks if it's bad that she still wants to kiss me. I say yes because I didn't brushed my teeth after the nose bleed, but she didn't care. I told her if she made my nose bleed again I would kick her. We made out some more, but she was getting rather excited. I am not comfortable going any further so I try and slow things down. Then we started talking. I know she's 30 and she's had sex a lot. It's not a mystery to me on how she seems to know so many things. But from what she says it seems that the only reason people are with her is because of that. So I felt silly but I told her that I don't want to like her because of her sexual prowess. I want to like her because I like her. She said she wasn't banking on sex getting her anywhere so I explained the reason I said that is because she talks like it usually is the only thing. She said it was so I modified saying that even if we were having sex I don't want that to be the reason I like her. I thought she laughed a little but she said she didn't so I asked what she was thinking. She said she was thinking she was fucked. I asked why and after a little bit she said it was because she liked me too much too fast.

It's exciting but scary how much she likes me. And I'm glad I'm kind of forcing things to go slowly because I don't want things to explode into awesome and then supernova and we're left with nothing. I really like her. I just don't know if I'm going about things right. It's frustrating her and I don't want to frustrate her to the point that she doesn't want to deal with it. And it's almost ironic because usually everyone is all crazy in love with her and she's not understanding it, but it's switched. Apparently there's just something about people with strongly magnetic personalities.

*sigh* anyone have an idea for what I should name my soap opera? That way I can tag it and things.

Everyone has their own daemons. Little fiends who rear their heads and make us weak. Feel lost and alone and scared. They send us seeking for comfort. A hug, a smile. Assurance that we truly aren't alone in this wide world full of so many souls who suffer hurts like us.

Some are larger than others. Some more deeply embedded and thorny. But everyone has them. We seem to forget this fact that everyone who walks by us in the street, everyone who lives thousands of miles away is exactly like us in this.

And we always apologize for them. Apologize to others when they show up. When they force us into small children crying for their mother or father in the dark after a nightmare. When they make us shake as though we stood in the snow in naught but what we were born in.

They will always be there. But so will those who comfort us when they sneak out. Those people who ask no questions, who demand nothing of us. Who only give us their arms. Their love and understanding and create a small bubble of peace and hope and warmth.

I hope everyone who reads this has someone like that. And that you will be someone like that for another.

At 3am I claimed Nikki as my girlfriend. She was single all of about 2 hours.


:DDDDD

Yesterday was an awesome Girls Night Out.

Kansas and Nikki and I hung out. Nikki was supposed to have clinicals but she didn't go because her cold got worse and she couldn't sleep because Erika was sick. Around 1:00 she came into my room and we just laid about until Kansas came over at 2:30 and then she was EVIL. She turned the light on to get us up. We got her to turn the light off and then she crawled into my bed too. We hung out for about an hour when Nikki's sister, Veronica, locked herself out of her house and we tried to help her. At 5 we finally left to go shopping.

Kansas wanted to go to some sex shops and Nikki said that Oak Lawn would be the nest place to go. Well goodness if I didn't just HAVE to go. Why? Don't know. But we went to Oak Lawn and every time we got out of the car Kansas would fight me to not have to sit in the backseat, but every time I would win. The first Condom Sense was alright but Kansas wanted to look at clothes. Oh, and seriously? Some of the things in there are awful. They had an inflatable doll that was a "Grandma I'd Like to Fuck." So wrong. But they have a way to make your iPod more versatile. iBuzz attaches to your iPod and is a vibrator to your music. They have iEverything!

Then we drove more into Dallas and found a larger Condom Sense that had costumes and, just like when I went to Electrique Boutique, I had to try something on along with her. Nikki was not going to complain, of course. So I need an XL because of how broad my hips and shoulders are, thanks stupid German heritage, and we could only find up to a Large, which I really am. Darn huh? Well then we find the XL section and Kansas said "We just didn't go down far enough." The guy behind the counter heard and said "Girls never go down enough. Or so my straight friends tell me. I don't really know." XD So I tried on a hippy costume and was all yay I'm done, when Nikki slid a french maid costume under just as I had put my pants back on. I kicked it back out and was all NO! Kansas made me try it on though, but I didn't take my pants off because the back of the skirt was like maybe 2 inches long. That would be a no, thank you. So I told her to grab another one since that was not going to be shown. Well she grabbed an Alice in Wonderland costume and it made me feel like a 12 year old but it did look good on me. I am going to try and see if Kansas can send it to me so I can put it on photobucket and show people. They came with super cute tights and it was only 40$. Here it is on ebay

After that we went to a place called Nandina's and it was awesome. We got a drink that we got to name and then when Kansas and I went to the bar to get another one the bartender was all flirty and so was the Manager. The manager said he liked my shirt and when we asked how much the drink cost because it wasn't one on the menu the bartender said it was 7$. The Manger asked how much we wanted to pay for it and I said 5.50? He was all No, but then he said he would do it for us. :D Then the bartender made the original version of the drink and Kansas and I split it. Then he made a shot called a Bazooka, it had Hennessy, Hypnotica(?), sweet and sour and saki. It was amazing. We got that shot for free. :D

After that it was Pepsi and Rum back at the house and a couple shots of rum. Nikki put out a strobe light and put some music on. I ended up on the floor, on purpose, because I could feel the bass and the strobe was cool on the ceiling.

She told me I looked hot laying like that. She had to physically make herself leave my room when we all went to sleep. She told me that sometimes it's hard for her to leave the house to go to work because I'm still here.


Then Erika confided in me saying that she hopes she can work things out with Nikki but she is afraid that Nikki has just given up. She is talking about sending her sisters stuff home and saying that my cats can come back because she has "gotten used to me." God she has no clue and I still feel so conflicted about everything and just awful. I really want Nikki to say what we are/are becoming and when Erika is leaving and Kansas is moving in so I can feel like there's some solidity. There's no limits or rules and Erika is still trying to fix everything and Nikki is just like, fuck it I am going to go out and drink and have people over and not ask; I can do what I want to now.

*sigh* I wish someone could tell me what to do.

So I am about to flail and start crying because I so don’t deserve this. (all of this meant in the good way, not the bad way)

A small bit of background. When I was 15 the only other person to kiss me(the one I don’t count), Kolby, sexually molested me while at school(nothing overly awful, it was a hand up the skirt and he didn’t stop when I asked). Last Tuesday was literally the first time I was able to tell someone what happened and it’s been getting easier. My mom knows about it now too, which makes me feel a lot better. I’ll have to tell my Dad about it, which will be interesting. Along with the fact that I’m kind of together with a girl. He knows to suck it up and deal if he wants to keep talking to me though, so it’ll be fine. He’ll just get all Dad about it, ya know?

Well because of Kolby I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone because I would fuck it up before it began and then run and hide. Well I so don’t want to fuck this up with Nikki but it’s still there. When she kissed me I had a mini panic attack and she was really cool about it, trying to get me to relax and not doing anything more.

This evening at work, yay for stealing intarwebz at work!, we were texting and joking about a bunch of stuff when I told her my friend Cassie had joked with me saying I wasn’t allowed to have sex before she did because she was slutier than I was and that just wouldn’t be fair. Well she didn’t catch the joke part and all of a sudden we were having a Talk.

She said she noticed I had kind of backed off and that she figured I needed time to think and so she wasn’t going to do anything until I said it was okay. I told her that there’s still that part of me asking why I haven’t fucked it up and ran off yet and it’s because the other part doesn’t want to fuck it up. This then confuses the whole me and add the tension of Erika in the house and my Mom in town I had no idea how to behave. It’s all new to me.

She then said that I could go at whatever pace I needed to and she would just go along with it. There was no pressure and that she was here for me for whatever I needed. She had to work stuff out before so she knows what it’s like and she’s not going to do anything that I’m not fine with.

Gah I am about to flail and cry. I knew she was kind of unsure about me because she bought me twizzlers because she remembered I had said I could eat just twizzlers until I died and I would be happy. I wish she didn’t have clinicals tomorrow but Kansas is coming over so we can have girl time and I can spaz about Nikki and we can make sugar cookies. Because Nikki likes them.

I wonder if we have a relationship title yet?

Today, around 8:30-8:45am I had my first kiss I will count. :D

So shit went down on Tuesday, nothing that involved me, to Erika's knowledge, and now they are officially broken up.

So that's that for the Gosh do I Go For Her ness, but now I'm at the Ahh! Relationship?! part where we're still kind of testing the waters. I told her about Kolby so she knows I have physical intimacy and trust issues, but she also knows (I love how we say things without saying them) that she wouldn't have to wait a long time or even get me drunk to kiss me.

She called me from work last night, twice. She keeps telling me I distract her, not that I help by wearing tank tops around the house with my frilly girly bra that conveniently has a strap that slips off on the side where she sits(none of it is on purpose of course). When I got home from work just now she hugged me and buried her face in my neck. She looks good in jeans and a black shirt.




I am so far gone, I can already tell.

So I seem to have a problem with becoming attracted to women who are already in relationships. They also both have have partners, one a spouse the other a partner of 7 years, who have military experience. Greg says it's because I'm a thrill seeker, but let me say I am not seeking this.

I live with Nikki and Erika. They have been together for 7 years officially and an extra year when Nikki was working on stealing Erika from her girlfriend. Nikki and I hang out around the house a bunch because both of us work nights and are normally up then anyway. We like the same TV shows too so when she's home we kinda chill on the couch and watch stuff. Erika has to work at evil hours, like 7am when she has to drive an hour to get to work, so I don't get to hang out as much with her but I really like her.

I don't know when things seemed to shift, but they did and now I have found myself in a semi uncomfortable position. Nikki and I have the same sort of sense of humor and we talk about random things and like to mess with each other. When on the couch she might lay her head on my leg and I seem to have an inability to have something fluffy on my lap and not pet it, so I'll play with her hair. Greg and I were joking about how I wear a slip lead at work in case I need one with the dogs so he took a picture of my while he was holding it saying I was his bitch. I told Nikki and she started on about how no one should own me and I should choose whoever I wanted to be with. Then she got more joking when I had told her that I would pick her over Greg to own me if they fought, as he tried to take what was hers. She said she would be a good owner and I joked that I would have to feed myself, so she asked if that made her the pet. I told her that I would have to get her a collar and more joking ensued.

I got home that morning and she was woken up by Erika after she'd left and I had to work that evening, but she had to leave the house around 3-4pm so I figured we could hang out and then I would sleep before I had to go to school. I wanted to show her the Axis of Evil tour that I had downloaded, but it wasn't working so we watched Torchwood on my DVR. We were in my bed and just sort of laying next to each other with our legs side by side or something small like that. Then slowly it shifted to where I was laying right next to her on my side because I was cold and kinda sleepy even though I was paying attention.

My neck hurt because of how I was laying so she massaged my neck and after that she laid backwards and she pulled me back to lay on her. After that I was glad I had watched the show because she began petting me. Nothing really bad, just rubbing her hand along my arms and playing with my hair. Around 1 we had no more episodes so we got a small lunch and then started watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. After eating I was laying on my side and she had me move back. I was able to pay a bit better attention but there was a time when I actually thought "Danger Will Robinson," not only making me glad I recognized what was happening, but also showing my complete and thorough nerdom.

She ran her thumb across my bottom lip. Along with along my stomach and my neck and my upper chest. She seems to like my ears also.
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For the first time I find myself with someone that I am actually physically comfortable with and I can't actually have her. I don't even think she would stay interested in my for very long because I've told her that I would be a challenge to get into bed and she isn't the type to be in a relationship for the cuddle time or the talks. I want to make myself stop, but that never has worked before.