Pulled To Bits

Ok, so "a while" is somewhat of an understatement. It's been well over a year since my last entry. So much has happend, it's all a blur to me.

I fell in love with the most wonderful man I could imagine back in 2011, but sadly it didn't last very long. I don't know why really. I don't if it was something I did or said or what. I thought things were going good and I really liked him a lot. In fact I fell in love with him. I thought he felt the same way about me. In all honesty I think he did. But when I told him I loved him he didn't react like I thought he might. He had had a very bad expeirence with his last love and I think it put him off of wanting to actually be in love with someone yet. So things feel apart. He stopped seeing me or even speaking to me. It made me very sad, it hurt an awful lot! Truth be told it still hurts but I'm doing ok. I'm trying to move forward with my life and find someone special to be with. Maybe someday he and I will get another chance but if we don't I hope that means there is someone even more wonderful out there for me.

I have my own apartment now! That also happen in 2011. I guess that was a year of changes for me. Living on my own is ok. It's not great, it's not bad ... just alright.

Sadly 2012 wasn't such a good year for me. It was a very sad year for me in fact. I wont go into all the details but it sucked. It was early in 2012 that my "relationship" went terribly south. :(( Other crappy things happend too but I don't wanna dwell on them really. I'm really hopeing that this year, 2013, will be a better year and one that will bring on some good fortune for me. Life has just been nuts really. Seems like ever since I hit my 20's that's been the running theme of my life - nuts!

Just super busy but still kicking.

I don't even know where to begin, I really don't. For once in a long time I'm not actually bitching about my personal problems but something going on with my family. Well part of my family anyway. Don't really wanna go into the details but let me just say this was something I didn't see coming at all. I hope things turn out alright for all involved, I really do.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I don't feel like there is anyone around me who understands the things I'm going through and the way I feel right now. It makes me feel so alone and isolated.
I wouldn't do anything stupid, I don't wanna die, I just wanna feel good and happy and not hurt anymore. I just wanna feel good.
There are so many things I don't understand and I wish I did. I wish I knew the answers to my questions or at least understood why I feel the way I feel and is it right or wrong or what.

I wanna be so many things I know I'll never be
I wanna wake up feeling like the real me
Turn fantasey into reality
I wanna feel good
I wanna feel like me
Don't wanna watch it on a silver screen

I still feel like shit. Everyday I get up and hope I'll feel different and better but no, I don't. Some days aren't as bad as others but I always feel crappy.

FYI - If anyone is actually reading any of these entries I'm not writing for any other reason other than to vent. I know I bitch a lot here but I don't have a lot of outlets to let it out so when I do come here I usually vent some. I don't know whats wrong with me but its something big that I have to work through, I don't how exactly and I don't know how long it will take.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT!

Everyday I wake up and its the same things running round over and over in my head. All of these random thoughts and questions that I can't possibly begin to answer. It seems like I can never get away from all these things in my head. I just keep going over and over them, day after day after day ...
"Life" just keeps going by me. I feel powerless to stop a lot of things and I don't know what to do about them or how I'm suposed to feel about them.

I feel like I'm ona very fast train thats going the wrong way!

Wow, time sure does fly. I do feel bad that I don't update here more but I'm usually so busy. Also I don't always feel like bitching, which is what most of my entries seem to be.

Things are up & down around here. Some big changes and yet still the same old sh!t in some ways.

Well this is my little update for now, not much to say I'm afraid. Hopefully I will remember to write something here from time to time. I doubt anyone even reads this anymore but I guess it would still be good for me to get some stuff out of my system from time to time.

I LOVE DARIA! Remember that show on MTV from the late 90's early 00's? That's what I'm talking about. I baught the complete series dvd collection and am loving watching them all.

So things are kind of odd lately, sometimes pretty good and other times pretty bad. My life is in a bi-polar kind of state right now. I know that it isn't strange to have life go from one way to another suddenly but sometimes its pretty extream. Am trying to do my best to handle it right now.

Am so busy with general stuff right now, can barely keep the days straight.

Not much else to report right now, just kind of felt like doing an entry.