Puckling

So back in the day, way, waaaaay, waaaaaaay back in the day (like, almost two and a half years ago), when I was younger and more innocent, I had just got into hockey fandom and everything was shiny and new and happy, except for the part where the Blackhawks were in the middle of a nine game losing streak. Including my birthday. And Valentines. It was a bit rough. However, in the grand fannish tradition of "porn makes everything better" I sat down and chatficced about 2K of Tazer putting Kaner in ladies underwear with nicolasechs. I then wrote about 1K, sat on it, wrote a bit more, sat on it, AND THEN FINALLY FINISHED IT \o/ with the help of queeniegalore audiencing and by looking at many gifs of Patrick Kane's stupid mouth. My characterization of these two fools and my general approach to writing has changed a lot in those two years, but I still really like some of the stuff we did in the chat fic. So for comparison's sake, the finished fic is here and the chat fic (plus links to inspirational gifs) are below.

POR VALENTINES
TAZER SHOWS UP IN THEIR ROOM POSTGAME, AND SHOVES A VICTORIA'S SECRET BAG AT KANER

nicolasechs: OMG HAHAHAHA

me: AND KANER'S ALL ...DUDE, WTF, YOU NOTICED I'M NOT A CHICK RIGHT?
AND TAZER'S JUST LOOKING AT HIM SUPER INTENSE
TAKE THEM OUT AND PUT THEM ON PATRICK
AND PATRICK'S STILL INSISTING THAT HE'S NOT A CHICK
BUT LIKE, IT MAKES HIM FEELS THINGS
WHEN TAZER IS BOSSY
THINGS IN HIS PANTS, MORE SPECIFICALLY

nicolasechs: TELL ME THEY ARE CROTCHLESS PANTIES

me: WHICH IS FORTUNATE, BECAUSE TAZER IS ALWAYS BOSSY

nicolasechs: ARE THERE THIGH HIGHS

me: I was thinking lacy black boycuts
THEY ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT THE CROSS DRESSING YET FOR THIGH HIGHS

nicolasechs: BECAUSE TAZER IS ALL ABOUT CLASS

me: HE'S FUCKING KANER ON THE REGULAR
HE KNOWS SOMETIMES HE HAS TO COMPROMISE ON THE WHOLE "CLASS" THING
THEY"LL WORK UP TO IT
BUT ANYWAY
KANER PULLS THE PANTIES OUT



nicolasechs: (IS IT LIKE HOCKEY CINDERELLA, WHERE TAZER EVENTUALLY SLIPS A SEXY LOUBOUTIN HEEL ON KANER'S UGLY-ASS FOOT?)

me: AND IS LIKE ...SRSLY? IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A VALENTINE'S GIFT?
(PERHAPS, THOUGH I THINK YOU'RE GIVING TAZER WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT AND TASTE)
AND THEN TAZER GOES, WHO SAID IT'S A GIFT FOR YOU?

nicolasechs: bites lip

me: AND KANER CALLS HIM A SELFISH ASSHOLE AND TELLS HIM HE CAN'T BELIEVE HE PUTS OUT FOR HIM
BUT HE'S ALSO KINDA SORTA TENTING HIS SLEEP PANTS
SO TAZER GIVES THAT EXACTLY AS MUCH CONSIDERATION AS IT DESERVES

nicolasechs: YESSSSSSS

me: BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE GOT HIM ANYTHING
not like Kaner got him anything, I mean

nicolasechs: b/c Kaner doesn't know how to function as a human being, let alone a boyfriend.

me: god, no
so Tazer tells him, again, because sometimes you have to repeat things for Patrick, "Put them on"
and Patrick kicks off his sleep pants and is standing there, naked and half hard
and Jonny's still dressed in his post game shirt and tie
because after doing press he went out and grabbed the underwear
because goddamn the Hawks have been sucking lately, and Kaner's mostly a fail human being, but he's at least one good thing right now

nicolasechs: (which meant he was totally thinking about kaner in silky underthings during the press conference GUH)

me: and they are going to salvage something out of Vday

nicolasechs: ohhhh tazer.. <3

me: (yes. He's done enough that he can go on automatic, and mostly everyone just asks about the losses, what they're going to do, and he hates it, but that's part of the captain shit he deal with)
(and he really tries not to grind his teeth, and it's easier to do that if he's thinking about something else, so it's a balancing act between not getting a boner and actually answering the press)
So Kaner's standing there, naked, kinda looking at the underwear
trying to figure out which is the front and which is the back
and Jonny's toeing off his shoes, and taking off his tie
"Honestly Kaner, put the fucking underwear on"
and he does
and they're tight

nicolasechs: ughgahsklgalkhj

me: because VS doesn't really make underwear for 5'10" male hockey players

nicolasechs: THEY SHOULD

me: well duh

nicolasechs: (obvious marketing gap)

me: and they're even tighter because Kaner's hard on is stick out of the front super obviously

nicolasechs: fad;ihagljkgal;kasglk;jgf

me: which Tazer appreciates

nicolasechs: SO DO I. SO DO I.

me: And Tazer sits down on his bed and goes "come over here"
and honestly Kaner's probably giving him Stockholm syndrome or something

nicolasechs: hee

me: because as he walks over Tazer thinks that Kaner might be one of the hottest things he's ever seen
and he works for an organization that regularly hires hot scantily clad women to stand around during special events
and Kaner's really not hot, he really isn't
which Tazer knows on an objective level
but subjectively, Kaner totally does it for him

nicolasechs: oh honey... pets love makes us all blind.

me: so Kaner comes and stands in front of Tazer, who's still fully clothed and sitting on the bed
which rather conveniently puts them face to cock
so Tazer puts his hands on Kaner's hips and reels him in
till his lips are just barely touching the lace

nicolasechs: gfds;hgfdljk

me: and looking up through his eyelashes
because he wants to make sure that Patrick is appreciating this here
he licks the head of Kaner's cock
almost delicately
the lace makes it a scratchy

nicolasechs: fuuuuuuuuuuck

me: and Kaner whimpers
and Jonny smiles a bit evily
because clearly his plans are genius and Kaner should just do what he's told all the time instead of questioning it
and then starts being this completely awful and horrible tease
he just keeps licking at Kaner through the underwear

nicolasechs: oh god, captain cocktease

me: and like, leaning in occasionally to nibble at his thighs, or above the waistline
hahah
yes
Kaner's all "fuck you seriously, fuck you, oh god, fuck, do that again, fuck"
and he keeps swaying into Jonny
and Patrick's hands are on his shoulders
because they established early on in this whole thing that Jonny really doesn't like his hair pulled, because it interferes with his styllllle

nicolasechs: HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAA

me: so Kaner's hand are, like, clenching and unclenching and kinda scrabbling a bit on Jonny's shoulders
and grabbing a bit at his shirt
and Jonny's still dressed
and after he's got Patrick's underwear completely soaked, a combination of spit and precome
he pushes him back
and Kaner's completely out of it
and blinking at him like ...waaaaa?
he looks a bit stoned to be honest
and Tazer unbottons his pants and pulls down his fly and goes "My turn"
putting Patrick down on his knees

nicolasechs: das;fkdsfjldsf
(sorry, this is the extent of my feedback at present. UNF)

me: (IS GOOD FEEDBACK)
and Patrick's still a bit woozy
but he's got it together enough to be like, "seriously? Is this some sort of Secretary bullshit, because I saw that movie and--"
and Jonny reaches out and uses his thumb to open up Pat's mouth
"Shut up and suck me, I'll make it worth your while later"
and Patrick's kinda redic oral
put anything anywhere near his mouth and he'll suck on it
so he clearly goes after Jonny's thumb for a bit
and Jonny watches him, thrusting in and out with one hand while using the other to jack himself

nicolasechs: ............... good boy, patrick. GOOD BOY.

me: and Patrick's kneeling between his legs and Jonny can't see the underwear from that angle, but he still knows it's there
and after a few seconds he pulls his thumb out and grabs Patrick's head and steers him over to his cock
because obviously Jonny's allowed to grab Pat's hair
duh
and Patrick goes to it with a vengeance
and god, Jonny needed this

nicolasechs: fuck yes

me: Pat's basically fucking his own face on Jonny's dick, and though Jonny never got the full story as to why Patrick no longer has a gag reflex

nicolasechs: h;gahkjlgfaglhjfakgaflhkj

me: he really does appreciate it
especially the part where he gets to thrust up into Patrick's mouth
and Pat just takes it
using one hand to hold the bottom of Jonny's dick and the other to...
oh god
Jonny can't see the other

nicolasechs: gfggjfdg;jsaf;dg'/girwak

me: but Patrick is clearly reaching down between his legs
and it's even money
whether Patrick is jerking off or trying to finger himself
(hmmm
on second though, he would be able to tell, nm)
Patrick is jerking himself off
in the black lacy underwear
that Jonny bought him
and Kaner's mouth is really fucking fantastic, seriously
Jonny appreciates his oral fixation

nicolasechs: SUCH AN APPRECIATIVE BOYFRIEND, THAT JONNY

me: but he really feels like he should be taking advantage of his new purchase
HE TOTALLY IS, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY KANER KEEPS CALLING HIM A DICK
so he thrusts into Pat's mouth a few more times
(seriously, Kaner's an amazing cocksucker, Tazer sometimes wants to like, boast about the amazing blowjobs he's getting, but then he would have to admit they came from Kaner and that would be embarrassing)

nicolasechs: (hahahaha, SUCH A DILEMMA)

me: and then he pushes Patrick off
and Patrick frowns at him, because hey, he was in the middle of something here, wtf Jonny
and Jonny manhandles Pat onto the bed
where he bounces a little bit
and ends up sprawled across the covers
and he's still wearing the underwear but only barely
it's on his hips and tucked underneath his balls
and he's got his cock out
and it's flush against his stomach

nicolasechs: whimper

me: and Jonny, although he doesn't realize it, is giving Pat the full on Cpt. Serious face, because that's the face he makes when he's like, TOO MANY FEELS
and his boyfriend (though Jonny refuses to ever call him that outloud) wearing underwear that he bought him on VDay?
yeah, that's a lot of feels right there
and Jonny tells Patrick to touch himself
because he wants to watch
and Pat wraps one hand around his cock
and tweaks his nipple and keeps biting his lip
and he's got his feet planted on the bed and keeps rocking his hips

nicolasechs: gs;jhkdfgalkjhdgf'
(I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL THESE THINGS ABOUT PATRICK KANE)

me: (HE'S HORRIBLE I KNOW)
and he's got tiny little hips
(wait, let me check that)

nicolasechs: (relatively tiny? http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c210/shimmerlikea/topicspam/kanerspeedskating2.jpg)

me: (switch that to waist, he's got a tiny waist)
he's got a tiny waist
and Jonny can just reach out and wrap his hand around it

nicolasechs: FUCK, SO MANY KINK BUTTONS

me: and so he does
and he says, not really thinking about it
"I should have totally got one of those things, you know, those stiff lace up things that go on top?"
id to mouth right there
and that's it, Kaner comes all over himself
and Jonny has to squeeze a bit because, well, he just does

nicolasechs: (squeeze patrick's cock?)

me: (no, his waist)
(it's where his hand is)

nicolasechs: (gotcha, i was just, erm, cock-fixated)

me: (hahahahah)
and Patrick's lying there, his hand still on his cock, blinking up at the ceiling, and Jonny's like, okay
I need to jerk off on you now
and Pat's like, go for it dude

nicolasechs: (SERIOUSLY ALL MY BUTTONS)

me: :D
and so Jonny kneels on the bed
straddling Patrick
and grabs his cock
looking down at the come that's already on Patrick's chest
and also the lacy black underwear, which have frankly gotten a little gross what with all the bodily fluids going on
and he thinks, "I'll have to get a new pair"
and then comes all over Patrick's softening cock and the black underwear

nicolasechs: a;sAEEHROGPAGIHAL;EBVASA;DHSF;JERERAG;H

me: because seriously, this is totally going to be a thing now

nicolasechs: I APPLAUD YOUR LIFE CHOICES, JONATHAN TAEWS

me: (TOEWS BUT YES)
and he collapses next to Patrick

nicolasechs: (i knew that, too! WHAT IS MY LIFE)

me: and is just like, unf
(I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE YOU WERE TEMPORARILY DISCOMBOBULATED BY THE IDEA OF TAZER PUTTING KANER IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR)
and so they lie there for a few seconds until Jonny finally musters the energy to be like, "Told you it'd be awesome"

nicolasechs: (I AM PERMANENTLY DISCOMBOBULATED.)

me: :D \o/
and Kaner's all "yeah, shut up, whatever, go get a washcloth to clean me up"
and Jonny does, because hey, Patrick is basically covered in come
and after they're cleaned up they hit the lights
because they have after all played a full game and then had sex
and it's kinda late
and the next morning, when they wake up and start packing,
Jonny sees Pat grab the underwear from where they tossed them in the corner the previous night
and shove them in his bag
and he just kinda smirks at him
because yeah he's got awesome ideas, and he totally owns Kaner's ass

nicolasechs: APPLAUDS THAT WAS SO GOOD (FOR ME)

me: :D
\o/
http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265732231323&c=Page&cid=1327029215735&pagename=vsdWrapper
I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST PAIR THAT TAZER BUYS

nicolasechs: OOOOOOH PRETTY
GOOD JOB, CAP

me: YEP
HE HAD TO TALK TO A SALES LADY WHO WAS ALL, "SO HOW TALL IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WHAT'S HER FIGURE LIKE?"

nicolasechs: for next time? http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1327024791452&c=Page&cid=1327029211090&pagename=vsdWrapper
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: WHILE CLEARLY THINKING, YOU DOOFUS, WHY DID YOU WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE?

nicolasechs: ONLINE SHOPPING, TAZER, LET ME INTRODUCE YO TO IT
*YOU

me: yis
oh those are nice
I don't think it's until maybe the fourth or fifth time that he goes online
that Tazer realizes that there are other places that sell lacy underwear besides VS
he's kinda dim that way

nicolasechs: omg, how is so he cute and pervy and sexy at the same time? coos
please tell me you are posting this hotness to your lj. i still can't believe you're dragging me into
hockey fandom.

me: LOOK HE HAS NEVER BOUGHT UNDERWEAR FOR ANYONE ELSE, OKAY?




Basically I just went through part of my Kaner tag and cried.

Hats. Hats are a thing he looks good in.

I share this so I don't have to suffer alone.

Beck tagged this with: Why is this gif happening to me? which summarizes everything you need to know really.

Remember when Kaner used to chew his mouthguard all. the. time?

He looks attractive here. It's upsetting.

A decent number of these are mouth focused, because I am well aware of what Kaner's best feature is.

And his stupid, awful slow-mo smile.

I was linking Beck to these two night ago and she was all WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME??!?! and I went LOOK WHO I REBLOGGED MOST OF THESE FROM YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF YOUR OWN DESTRUCTION. And then we both held our hand over Phil. Sorry Phil.

We are now hitting the all tongue all the time portion of this linkage. Brace yourself.

Noooooope.

This collection of gifs might be illegal. Or at the very least immoral.

STOP TOUCHING YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR TONGUE. I REALIZE THAT'S DIFFICULT BUT I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE FEELS.

There's just a lot to think about.

Nein.

He's wearing a hat and Beck tagged this with "#one of the best things about kaner#is that he always looks like he’s ready for a facial#ready and willing". Just everything was stacked against me.

I don't want to talk about it.

He's a BAAAAAAAAAAABY in this. A BAAAAAAABY.

Basically he's awful and hideous right up until the second where he's way too fucking attractive and bangable, and everything is awful.

There was also .5 seconds this year where his facial hair wasn't a completely wretched fungus obscuring the bottom of his face, and that was upsetting and confusing.

Look at his stupid coy little face! LOOK AT IIIIIT.

PUT AWAY YOUR EYES AND YOUR SMILE AND YOUR CHEEKBONES, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT.

So I'm going to end on this one, because Patrick Kane might actually be attractive to like, human beings who haven't Stockholmed themselves on too much fanfic. Sometimes. Kind a lot though. Oy.