(no subject)
i wont be writing here anymore, my new livejournal name is
Shaman_SkyTree
http://www.livejournal.com/users/s…
Shaman_SkyTree
http://www.livejournal.com/users/s…
Venting of pain and loneliness
I spent the better part of today with some really great friend's of mine. Around four 3:30, my friend Ryan drove up here and picked me up, and we hung out talking for quite a while. I really love spending time with him. He's one of the few male's i've met in my life who've got really great and sincere hearts. He's an amazing person, and I value him dearly. Some things I've got to think about tonight that he's reminded me, and got me thinking about, are remembering to take everything day by day. Living in the moment. That's something that used to be on my mind for quite some time, but then again, when those thoughts were in my head, I had quite a magic puch filled will hope, and now that hope has depleted significantly. I find my days to be bleak and lonely. Barren and painful. Alone. A lot of hope lost after falling in love, and feeling like that love wasn't fully reciprocated. HOPE!
I was walking arond The Block in Orange today, and this really awesome person was walking towards me. It was peculiar, I swore that I had met him before, as if I had known him, or perhaps we had spoken some time in the past, or maybe we went to the same place once. All smiles and happiness and joy, he walks up to me, beaming with happiness in his heart, and he hands me a little book. He tells me, "Did you know that Jesus loves you?" I responded, "No... I don't know about Jesus." He asks me, "Have you heard about Jesus?" I respond, "Yeah, I've heard about him." He asks, "What do you think about him?" I respond, "I don't know what to think," and I hand him back the book. All smiles and joy, he walks away and tells me, "Jesus loves you," and I give him a thumbs up, and I smile and tell him, "You look really happy man. Right on." I wanted to talk with him. I wanted to know what it was that's got him so full of life, so full of hope. His answer most likely wouldn't have satisfied me. I can't accept that the source of hope and joy and happiness is something OUTSIDE of myself. I need to find something within, but I WISH that I had talked with him. I sought him out a few minutes after that, but wasn't able to find him. That was me only so many months ago. A beacon of light and life. Of joy and happiness. Of hope and love. Now. Now I'm a barren wasteland of pain and loneliness. The energy gone. The energy to articulate myself powerfully gone. The energy and power to see the true nature of people and the universe gone. All gone. Not gone per se, but burried deep within.
I want to ressurect that. I want to bring back that power. That life! I lost hope, and without hope, there is nothing. Nothing but pain and loneliness. How I wish your hand to hold! How I wish, above this, your desire to hold MY hand. To be loved! My insecurities. I bask in my insecurities like one basks in a warm pool. Comfortably. Yes. I know my insecurities, and am not afraid of them, I know them well. I accept them. I feel like an insect. I feel like a puppy dog. Following the stranger. "Take me home with you. Love me. Care for me. LOVE ME!" Little puppy dog. No more! No more do I want to FOLLOW. No more DO I follow. I do not follow, but still the discomfort, the feelings of BEING a puppy dog linger and fester within me. Within my boiling cauldron of insecurities. HOLD ME GODDAMIT! LOVE ME! CARE FOR ME! WANT ME! But... but either you do not, I do not know that you do, you don't completely... I do not know. *sigh*
I was walking arond The Block in Orange today, and this really awesome person was walking towards me. It was peculiar, I swore that I had met him before, as if I had known him, or perhaps we had spoken some time in the past, or maybe we went to the same place once. All smiles and happiness and joy, he walks up to me, beaming with happiness in his heart, and he hands me a little book. He tells me, "Did you know that Jesus loves you?" I responded, "No... I don't know about Jesus." He asks me, "Have you heard about Jesus?" I respond, "Yeah, I've heard about him." He asks, "What do you think about him?" I respond, "I don't know what to think," and I hand him back the book. All smiles and joy, he walks away and tells me, "Jesus loves you," and I give him a thumbs up, and I smile and tell him, "You look really happy man. Right on." I wanted to talk with him. I wanted to know what it was that's got him so full of life, so full of hope. His answer most likely wouldn't have satisfied me. I can't accept that the source of hope and joy and happiness is something OUTSIDE of myself. I need to find something within, but I WISH that I had talked with him. I sought him out a few minutes after that, but wasn't able to find him. That was me only so many months ago. A beacon of light and life. Of joy and happiness. Of hope and love. Now. Now I'm a barren wasteland of pain and loneliness. The energy gone. The energy to articulate myself powerfully gone. The energy and power to see the true nature of people and the universe gone. All gone. Not gone per se, but burried deep within.
I want to ressurect that. I want to bring back that power. That life! I lost hope, and without hope, there is nothing. Nothing but pain and loneliness. How I wish your hand to hold! How I wish, above this, your desire to hold MY hand. To be loved! My insecurities. I bask in my insecurities like one basks in a warm pool. Comfortably. Yes. I know my insecurities, and am not afraid of them, I know them well. I accept them. I feel like an insect. I feel like a puppy dog. Following the stranger. "Take me home with you. Love me. Care for me. LOVE ME!" Little puppy dog. No more! No more do I want to FOLLOW. No more DO I follow. I do not follow, but still the discomfort, the feelings of BEING a puppy dog linger and fester within me. Within my boiling cauldron of insecurities. HOLD ME GODDAMIT! LOVE ME! CARE FOR ME! WANT ME! But... but either you do not, I do not know that you do, you don't completely... I do not know. *sigh*
(no subject)
someone please message me an 'Invite a Friend' code. I'd like to start a new journal. Thank you. -Alex
(no subject)
my eyes hurt. i say nothing. hold it all in. i want to share, but not with you. only one. i sleep now. fuck me man... fuck me.
(no subject)
So much pain. :(
My eyes hurt so badly...
There's nothing I can do.
NOTHING.
There is not ONE THING that I can do...
God I feel like shit.
My eyes hurt so badly...
There's nothing I can do.
NOTHING.
There is not ONE THING that I can do...
God I feel like shit.
(no subject)
Sleep.
Time lost.
Away from you.
Sleep.
Dream well.
Breathe gently.
Wake with a smile.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe some day.
Maybe not...
I close my eyes.
The night again...
Where...?
Oh.
You're not here.
Goodnight world.
Goodnight...
Time lost.
Away from you.
Sleep.
Dream well.
Breathe gently.
Wake with a smile.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe some day.
Maybe not...
I close my eyes.
The night again...
Where...?
Oh.
You're not here.
Goodnight world.
Goodnight...
I've seriously outdone myself this time. :)
Man... I wish I could do this for a living.
SOMEONE PAY ME TO DO THIS FOR YOU!!!
http://www.geocities.com/psilopsyc…
SOMEONE PAY ME TO DO THIS FOR YOU!!!
http://www.geocities.com/psilopsyc…
(no subject)
my latest and greatest:
www.geocities.com/psilopsyche/appreciati
www.geocities.com/psilopsyche/appreciati
Boo hoo
I feel really sad and lonely right now, and I don't care to hear about anything from anyone. My friend tells me she thinks I'm dependant on the one that I love, simply because I feel like shit when I'm away from her. Dependent huh? Well, my appologies, don't take this personally, ever, but fuck you. Fuck you all. I've got pain. I've got feelings. I'm not perfect. You guys make me out to be some type of fucking saint. Like I'm the best guy that's ever graced this planet. Ha. I laugh.
What am I? I'm a guy who tries to the the best that he can with what he's learned, and with everything that he learns every fucking day of his life. What do I want? I want ONE THING! And I think about that one person's wants and needs and feelings over my own. Walk all over me. You don't, but you could. I feel like a bigger pile of shit now for backing away. Maybe I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, and pretended to be okay. I hold your hand and it means the world to me, but to you it is what it is. Holding hands. That's it. Period. Nothing more. A bullet in my fucking head. A bullet in my fucking head!
"Take it easy, very easy, go gently."
Yeah, take it easy. I'll take it easy. I'll go gently. Easy and gently ALONE and LONELY. ALWAYS! Always? MAYBE NOT ALWAYS! BUT NOW!
I WANT ONE THING.
"You don't always get what you want."
That's right, I don't always get what I want.
Well fuck me then for wanting love. For being in love. For loving.
Maybe.
Maybe I should have gone into that Carl's Junior, go into that stall, closed that door, and slit my fucking wrists. Maybe. Maybe I should have. Too bad I won't.
"You and I saved a life tonight little brother."
Did we Angela?
"Two lives actually. The life of a battered woman, and her child."
Did we Angela?
Well, maybe that'll make up for my life, when it ENDS!
Ha. I laugh. Because it won't end. I sure as fuck wont end it, but oh how I'd like to some times. Like right now.
Loneliness. SO TIRED of the loneliness. SO TIRED of the pain. SO TIRED of it all. There are days like these, and there are days like those. On those days I thank everything for my not ending it on days like these. On days like these, I look forward to days like those.
I close my fucking eyes once more, and at 3:30 I leave for work.
Woo fuckin' hoo.
Alex
What am I? I'm a guy who tries to the the best that he can with what he's learned, and with everything that he learns every fucking day of his life. What do I want? I want ONE THING! And I think about that one person's wants and needs and feelings over my own. Walk all over me. You don't, but you could. I feel like a bigger pile of shit now for backing away. Maybe I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, and pretended to be okay. I hold your hand and it means the world to me, but to you it is what it is. Holding hands. That's it. Period. Nothing more. A bullet in my fucking head. A bullet in my fucking head!
"Take it easy, very easy, go gently."
Yeah, take it easy. I'll take it easy. I'll go gently. Easy and gently ALONE and LONELY. ALWAYS! Always? MAYBE NOT ALWAYS! BUT NOW!
I WANT ONE THING.
"You don't always get what you want."
That's right, I don't always get what I want.
Well fuck me then for wanting love. For being in love. For loving.
Maybe.
Maybe I should have gone into that Carl's Junior, go into that stall, closed that door, and slit my fucking wrists. Maybe. Maybe I should have. Too bad I won't.
"You and I saved a life tonight little brother."
Did we Angela?
"Two lives actually. The life of a battered woman, and her child."
Did we Angela?
Well, maybe that'll make up for my life, when it ENDS!
Ha. I laugh. Because it won't end. I sure as fuck wont end it, but oh how I'd like to some times. Like right now.
Loneliness. SO TIRED of the loneliness. SO TIRED of the pain. SO TIRED of it all. There are days like these, and there are days like those. On those days I thank everything for my not ending it on days like these. On days like these, I look forward to days like those.
I close my fucking eyes once more, and at 3:30 I leave for work.
Woo fuckin' hoo.
Alex
yep.
The first thing i've written in a long time, and it says nothing.