forced smiles baby, half dead

haven't been on in toooo long...have SO much to catch up on, definitely gonna take quite a few entries. drugs, sex, rock n roll, u know the deal. been places i never thought i'd go. i have a little boy now. i've been engaged twice & my latest one just ended & i'm pretty devestated...will be on later today.

idk if anybody reads this stuff really anyways but "hi there!" if there is anybody...talk to me or something, i'm pretty lonely & have been isolating for a number of reasons, mainly my ex kinda fucked me up & played a HUGE role in isolating me from pretty much ALL my friends...so trying to recover those relationships if possible :/ 

i'm seriously gonna try to be on here more, i havent been having consistent interwebz like hardly this year :X it's lame as hell....but who's on here still? or checks in sometimes at least lol basically if u see this say hi :)

xo
S      

Maybe an hour ago, my step dad called my mom (who've been living separately for a little) that he is in immense pain, thought it was jaw pain, dentist said no. His mother has MS. They think he has MS, brain tumor or another nerve disease :/

I'm done...it happened & now I'm fucked. x( may•22•2015

I guess the rest is just collateral

yeah I haven't been on in hella long but hey...thanksgiving sucks majorly this year, I can't believe people are so fucking stubborn that they don't even think about the holiday they're celebrating & think about what's going on in their lives. Homeless almost. My babe is :( & I can't even get people to let him stay over on fucking thanksgiving of all days.. Or Xmas last year either, that one really shows true colors too...

Later I'll update maybe. Boo hoo. Ffffffffff.

Originally posted by dontholdthewall at And the Numbers Are In... [Piece of Me]

i got a new boyfriend <3 will give more details laterr, i wanted to make sure i posted so that LJ doesn't "purge" or delete or whatever my account -.-
lol


xo

went to go see American Idiot last night with my mom, opening night :) it was nice. Feeling like shit lately...taking & doing too much of everything when it comes to substances. I need to leave ferreal. I wanna just see the world so I'm gonna ask around friends who are in bands if they're touring anytime soon, so I can do merch or something. I'll be forced into motion at least & maybe I'll meet another fucked up boy with too many problems.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

sometimes it kind of scares me that I'm on a cocktail that isn't very different than Heath Ledger was on. Same thing, sleep problems, racing mind. I just wanna shut off sometimes & fly away from the world & sometimes if I'm lucky I'll fall asleep for a good 12 hours...I just wish desperately that my family were different...I know that everyone probably thinks that at SOME POINT in their lives, but they have no idea. I've always felt like I'm the "adult" in my household to be honest. It's not good. Sometimes I just wish my mom would give a shit & not just bitch at me & tell me that I'm the problem. That does not work well when someone's already kinda messed up in the head. AND she stopped taking me to my therapist conveniently around the time my grandpa died of cancer :( who I was extremely close with & was basically the only person who seemed to "get" me or at least make an effort...and who didn't seem annoyed at me constantly. This is bullshit. I can't do this by myself, I've been TRYING REALLY HARD. sometimes I hope I end up like Heath Ledger. But to be honest, I'm about 80% positive that if it happened, I wouldn't be "found" for at least a day...they would just think I wasn't responding & bitch me out before storming off to work & giving me "the silent treatment" for the rest of the day & evening. It's happened before. I seriously think I may have OD'd before but no one noticed until I came to. I'm not sure of all the specifics of if you would ALWAYS die but yeah. sucks.

just needed to vent

xo

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

I swear this probably sounds a lot worse then I mean it too, but it's completely true...sometimes I really wish my mom had just aborted me when she had the chance :/ she was waay too young. Cliche but true. Most people who say that shit are those persons parents or whatever but yeah...I've always felt different, which I don't care to go into at the moment, but I've always been way too mature for my age. I've always felt like an adult in a kids body, I mean for fucks sake at the moment I'm only 19 years old (20 in a month). I feel old. Why?? I had so many plans when I was literally only in about 8th grade! I don't know if it has anything to do with me being diagnosed as Bipolar (I have no idea which one, I think the lesser one) & "grandiose" thoughts & mania or whatever but I'm pretty disappointed in myself right now...I feel extremely alone, when I really shouldn't. I can have people around me if I cared to make any effort whatsoever. There's just something wrong up here right now & it scares me a little.

Also, I think I'm going to make a separate journal for like memories or something idk & nostalgia I guess? I really don't want this journal to turn into that. I'm going to try to write in here more (yeah I say that every time I'm on here pretty much :l ) but now I AM! Even if it's only to make myself have some sort of routine. & maybe to help this depression in some way. I need to do something with myself, because I know I'm meant to be something. Do something to make a difference. I thought I knew what it was before or at least what it had to do with, but until I get back to that I need to stop myself from dying inside or out...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.