(no subject)

hey everyone...

so i know im not too active in these communities these days but my last semester of college takes up a lot of time.... no excuse though b/c food and weight is on my mind 24/7.. i'm going to do it.. i've let myself slip... They put cookie out at my job everyday and I eat them, I've been in transition between apartments so i use it as an excuse to eat out, I let my mom feed me, I am getting my period again so that makes me want to eat... ITS AWEFUL!!! I"M FULL OF EXCUSES THAT ARE NOT JUSTIFIED!! I'M FAILING AND GETTING HUUUUGE!!! Almost my highest weight EVER....

new plan... I do move into my new place this week, and live with my new roomates, so im going to make myself the 'heathly, in shape' roommate who doesnt really eat much but looks great... It'll be great b/c they work 9-5pm and i can easily say i ate before they got home or something.. I was the athletic, in shape one last year and then all summer ive been a F*ck up.. but this year im gonna be the in shape one again..

I have a health food store 3 blocks from my new house and it is the ONLY place I will let myself buy anything... just veggies, occasionally fruit and all my vitamins...

Im not going to fight with myself for the rest of my life, IM going to just make it happen... get the body I want and keep it... I want not eating and being skinny to become a natural habit not something im constantly working at...

I can do this.. I have to.. this is my last chance.. I blew it this summer.. looking shitty in a bathing suit... but I'm going LA in a month and I better see some improvement by then!!!

Thanks for the support!! Love to all of you!! Stay strong!!

(no subject)

X posted everywhere
<lj-cut text=".....hopeless and mad....(forgive the language)...kinda depressing too...sorry.." will things ever change? im so sick of myself... i am so sick of being fat.. I am so sick of feeling the fat wrapped around my insides... I am so sick of feeling my fat roll over my waist bands... I feel the rolls on my stomach rub together each time I sit down... I hate feeling fat in my clothes... i just want it all to change.. I never want to eat again and yet.. all i think about is food... I need to get past this.... I hate being fat.... i will be thin.. this is pathetic.. i am pathetic.. I can't handle this... F* the world of food... F*ck McDonalds.. F*ck Fast food F*ck pizza F*ck cheese steaks F*ck sweets F*ck chocolate F*ck ice cream F*ck twistlers! F*ck vending machines! F*ck HUNGER!!! This is such BULLSH*T!! i hate it.. all i do is waste TONS of cash on food that I either A) binge on and thros up or B) realize i dont need and so I pray it with lysol so i dont eat it and throw it out.. I would have so much more cash if I could give up food... I need new avoidance techniques.. it sounds rediculious I know.. but i dont know what else to do... I dont know how to stop... I am just so disgusted with myself... i know i can't cut... its summer.. the razor is calling but i refuse to do it.....I can't start it again.... But i dont know what to do to stop eating... I just don't know... I cant get myself to get out of my apartment... I just want to die... I dont know how to get myself to exersize or do anything.. I just think food 24/7... I wanna make fasting my life.. fasting my habit... no more over eating.... I need to start gaining control....I need to drop the weight... I hate this! i cancelled my appointment with my therapist for tomorrow.. I don't want to talk to her ever again.. she is not a good therapist... I tell her exactly what she wants to hear.. last time she saw me she thought I was loosing weight.. goodness if she saw me now she would KNOW that I definitly was EATING A LOT!! I am gettign so depressed too.. I cant concentrate on school work or find a way to be happy.. I['ve been tempted to take more prozac.. but Im scared to just take more of my prescription w/o telling my real doctor.. but I'm definitly tempted to call her and be like I NEED HELP! I'm supposed to see her next week, but I think I'm loosing it, I dont know if i can wait. Granted, I hate knowing I'm on medications... I need a place to go and be away from my apartment and away from food.... I can go to the library but I don't get any work done there.. I just think about food and plan what I am going to buy at the stands outside the library... I hate this.... I need something to distract me... any advise girls? I'm sorry i'm rambling.. and probably not making any sense.. but I need help... I think I'm going over the deep end.... Should I tell my doc I am loosing it? and risk her making me go to a new therapist? which i dont want to do? or do I see if i can handle it on my own? Can I handle it on my own? I need some people to help me do this.. I need to drop the weight.... if i dont eat for anything but diet coke and water.... i should be 100lbs by??? ARGHHHHHH I"M SOOOOO PISSED!!! How could I have been sooooo close to my stgw and then blow it!! I suck
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

(no subject)

Hey all,


Sorry I havn't been around much, some issues came up, and it became nessicary for me to confront them.


So anyways, I need you lot to visit the web-site again and vote in the poll on there, it will help me to determine what to add to the site next, it would be a great help, and I would really apriciate it.


(no subject)

ok.. so i was doing well today.. nothing but a glass of soy milk and water.. then my mom wanted to pick up food on the way home from shopping... i said i would just eat the fruit we had at home and so she was ok with that... but then when I got home, I ACTUALLY had to eat the fruit... and that lead to fruit, raisins, trail mix, SUPER Fatty bannana nut bread (first four ingredients: flour, sugar, shortning, eggs... HOWW GROSS!!!!!) I thought I was just gonna binge and be a failure but then I felt sick like my stomach hurt a lot and I felt weird.. so I did purge... which was good but I dont think I got everything out b/c it was a bit too late to get some of it out.. i dunno i just feel like shit.. it makes me soo mad tooo b/c when I was out shopping w/ my mom (pre lunch) I bought new SKINNY CLOTHES!! not like goal weight clothes but smaller than b4.. and now I feel too mcChunk to wear em.... I hate life and food....

Gonna go find some inspiration to read....
  • Current Mood
    angry angry

(no subject)

ok.. so i went to the health food store.... loaded up on supplements....but broke my fast though...I suck...

Didnt binge like crazy though.. just had some raisins, and fruit.. not that bad.. better then my candy bindge earlier in the week...

Tomorrow I'm taking a day down the shore... just me, water and a few books... and NO FOOD.. I'm excited, I havent been to the shore all season so far so Im excited to have a day to myself to just be at the beach, get tan, read and not have anyone around me trying to give me food... granted the whole bathing suit thing bites.. but i figure I'm going to the private beach and I'm going alone so no one I know will be there plus its a weekday, so how busy will it be??

I am getting back into the mode though, which is great.. granted I know I did break the fast, but a few raisins and some pineapple is a lot further along than I was before. i wasnt even hungry. I just ate because I went to the food store.....

although sitting here watching Kelly Robinson on that new Dance competition reality show is making me feel gross.. she is ssooo tiny, I love her!!

ok. gotta run but stay strong everyone!!! its summer, we can do it!! We can all be tiny!!!

(oh yea, and my ED doctor asked me if I was losing weight bc she said I looked thin!!!! I was so happy!!! granted I had to pretend I didnt know what she was tlaking about but inside I was giddy!!!! hehehehe)