Pooka's Mansion

I didn't do one of these last year, did I? I had fully intended to; I just... didn't. Still, since I don't use this LJ much at the moment, it wasn't difficult to find the old template and bash out new answers for 2021. I've swung from high to deep throughout the year, extremes of sweet and sour, but as of right now, you find me here reflective, tired, moody and bereaved.

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?
Released a smol album; spent more than a couple of days in hospital; been diagnosed with a neurological condition; started planning a wedding; temped as an LSA; had COVID-19; proabbly several other things which not writing in my LiveJournal makes difficult to recall. It's been a year.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not making any resolutions for next year because I'm getting married and will spend quite a lot of time planning that! I didn't make any this year. I haven't lost any weight, though.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. First year in a while that hasn't happened. My friend Sati is pregnant though, which apparently is completely unplanned, and another friend Charlie is starting IVF.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Willow died in the summer and Nanna died just before Christmas. I've lost a grandparent and a kitty daughter in the same year. That's depressing.

5. What countries did you visit?
I haven't been anywhere else this year... morti visited from Germany and Monique (my future mother-in-law) came from Belgium, but I didn't go anywhere. I'll be honeymooning next year, so need to plan that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?
Last time I did this, this section read "[m]ore physical energy", and I didn't have a reason for that. Now that I'm aware I have DM, there's a genuine reason for my lack of energy, and I'm able to tell people this! In 2022 I'd like a permanent job. I've been relatively lucky to get what I managed to in 2021, since the disastrous loss of Churchfield at the end of 2020, but I'd genuinely like more security.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day Nanna died. I was still in bed when Dad called and told me he was outside and needed me to open the door. I straggled downstairs in scrappy clothes and he stepped inside, which he never does, so I knew something had happened. On the day itself, I was the last person to sit with her body before the men took it away. As the last Christian left in the family, I did some prayers for her, which was calming.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I'm not sure. I haven't achieved much this year. I helped a class of year sixes through their summer term, though, and that's pretty major. Oh, and I also finished Luigi's Mansion 3, which (as said year six class will tell you) is an achievement in itself!

I also released a mini-album. I'm not as pleased with it as I hoped I would be. More people need to buy my music, though, 'cause the money's going to Woodcraft!

9. What was your biggest failure?
I did badly in the local by-election, but I was still happy to come third, even more so because I spent a week of campaigning time in hospital! I guess being dismissed from my job at October half term was a bad point, but I genuinely disliked the school, so it wasn't a catastrophic loss. I miss the staff there, though.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes - I was admitted to hospital with pericarditis and associated breathing issues, and that's where I got diagnosed with DM. I also had COVID in the Winter, having avoided it in 2020.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
It's not really something I bought this year, but last Christmas, I got Super Mario Party for my Switch. This was a conscious decision to make the early part of the year more bearable for my fiancée, who needed a distraction. They loved it and we had many great games of it for the first few months. I don't have many Switch games, and this was a good choice.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
In all honesty it's my agency worker Kristie. She took my sudden unemployment in her stride and got me back out as soon as she could. I don't know what gave her her God-like powers, but I'm very grateful.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My (former) flatmate, who did something which got both myself and lausie_ into trouble - and whoever it was that banned me from the Knightmare forum, so I can't even view posts, never mind write any.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, council tax and food. I genuinely don't buy much else.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The cinemas being open again, because I was really missing them during the first part of the year!

16. What song will always remind you of 2018?
Beautiful Beaches by James. As I did with their last album, I went up to London to get a copy of their latest one. I'm not particularly in love with All the Colours of You - it's of variable quality lyrically and doesn't have Dave on it so the drums are uninspiring - but I do like Beautiul Beaches, so I won't skip it if it comes up on my iPod.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About the same, really.
b) thinner or fatter? Still about the same, if not a little fatter.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, due to the dearth of disposable income. But still.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
It is still music, although with a global pandemic on, getting together and jamming probably isn't a real possibility.

And sex. Always could do with more sex. I haven't had any for years!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Time at the school I was in before October half-term. I realistically shouldn't have gone there at all, but then, I didn't know, did I?

20. How did you spend Christmas?
As usual, I spent it with my family. This year was our first without Nanna, and also very weird since she'd planned a lot of it herself and her name was on some of the presents and cards. But it's not the first time there's been crying at Christmas.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Still my parents. Not living with them any more kind of necessitates this. I've also dialled 112 (not 999 - I am a Europhile) a few times, and it takes a while to make those calls.

There's something going on next door which is quite worrying. I've had to call 101 a few times because of that.

22. Did you fall in love in 2021?
Um... I don't know...? Maybe...?

23. How many one-night stands?
I haven't had sex this year, so still no one-night stands for me. Also, I have a fiancée and I'm monogmaous, so.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
It will always be Knightmare, but I've been enjoying a lot of the Star Wars miniseries on Disney+. I've also recently gotten into watching Battle of the Planets, which is cheesy fun. 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I'm still not even sure that I can hate. I'm really not fond of Priti Patel, though.

26. What was the best book you read?
Oh, that's a difficult question to ask and even more difficult to answer. I think I may have read A Curious History of Sex at the start of the year and that was a fascinating read. I've read a few others including a book about the Haçienda by Peter Hook, which was incredibly entertaining!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ashaine White. She has a beautiful, soulful voice and I really wish I was in her band! She's my colleague Jennifer's daughter, which is how I found out about her musical career.

28. What did you want and get?
Hmmm. I got all the Christmas presents I asked for, which was a nice thing to happen. This includes The Art of Knightmare by David Rowe (years after everyone else, but still).

29. What did you want and not get?
Three things, actually:
(i) A new musical instrument - like a synthesiser, or a xylophone, or something. I won't be able to play the guitar forever. My friend Anna got a theremin for her birthday and I was incredibly jealous!
(ii) A ticket to the James tour. When they came out I couldn't afford one. The week of the tour came and I scraped together enough money to go up and get one from a tout, but then - typically - I was laid up with COVID for the whole week, so couldn't go at all!
(iii) Applied for a job in a nice little CE school that I almost got, but failed at the last hurdle. Still, I've been getting interviews, which is more than what I was getting last time I did any serious jobseeking.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
As usual, I put together a list of films! We put together all the films with a mark between one and five and then a combined score out of ten. We then picked ten from all the films that scored 6 or more, and ordered them. This year, as expected, we saw less films than in recent years. Mine were:


31. What did you do on your birthday?
Not much. I don't remember this. I think I might have seen my parents on the day itself. I'd just started at Starks Field in March, so I may have been sleeping.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A spotlight, for the same reason as last year, and the year before, and the year before that! If I'd managed to hang on at Churchfield this year, it would have been a much better year, for sure. I was offered a job at ECS, and almost took it, but didn't. I should've taken that.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021?
Confused.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Sarah Obscura. I mean, I don't do celebrity crushes, and she isn't exactly a celebrity, but this is about as close as I'm going to get.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Johnson. He's proven himself to be a more ineffective prime minister than we thought he would ever be (and that really is saying something). And he's vanished recently, which makes me wonder what he's been doing on his private island in Marbella or whatever.

37. Who did you miss?
Gran, Bert, James, Sammie and Hoops. Willow and Nanna, this year.
All my friends.
Helen, Sarah, Lianne and Natalie, Sati (almost saw her, but that was pulled at the last minute!), Kirsten, Laura (I really need her touch), and all my classes from Churchfield and Starks Field.
FAWMers, DFs and Knightmare people.
Still Serafina, as well.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Martin, the teacher I worked with at Starks Field. He's a scream, with a great taste in music and popular culture. And he's a fantastic teacher as well. Even if he doesn't reply to his texts.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.
It can always get worse. You may think you've hit rock bottom, but it gets worse in ways you've never imagined it could.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"We're all gonna die, that's the truth!"

I'm on a sort of... well, nostalgia isn't the right word. "Nostalgia kick" seems remarkably twee. Been reminded of some things from the past, so here are some thoughts. They're all sort of scattergun and some don't make any sense.

Each of these paragraphs is abut something different - I'm not telling a cohesive story.

I'm also not clarifying anything, so don't ask.

2009 tore everything apart. We had been showing cracks for a while, but nothing this tumultuous. I tried as hard as I could to hold everything together, but with people leaving, and internal drama that wasn't there before (or maybe it was, I just didn't see it), everything just fizzled out, which was my greatest fear. I still miss you all. I miss what we had.

The reason I was upset was because I had a crush on you and you clearly weren't interested. Maybe you were, but I suspect you weren't. Your kind words of concern made my heart thump in my chest. I cried the day afterwards because I saw you kiss someone else. The fact that she was a girl made no difference - what upset me was that it wasn't me.

You have no idea how much I was hurting. I wish you could see me now - as a confident, if not competent, musician. Less than a year after leaving and I was getting praise for being a drummer. I'd never have managed that under you.

Saying goodbye to your brother was much harder than I thought it would be.

Threaten her with a knife? Where on earth did that idea come from?

When I said "I like having sex," what I actually meant was, "I would like to have sex with you." I know you wanted to have sex with me, as well. But if neither of us said anything, it was never going to happen.

You are an awful, incompetent, mismanaged and shambolic pathetic excuse for an institution. You have no right to use the boast that features so heavily in your material. My mental health was massively improving until I started with you, and after the first few months I had pitched right back down into the dark depths of depression. You did not care. I was nothing more than collateral, and you let me suffer. You deserve to feel shame for that, and even though I know you never will, I hope you do.

You are the reason I didn't kill myself that night.

I never liked the idea; I didn't even understand the concept. Your enthusiasm was infectious and that's what gave me the staying power.

Although this was meant to come as a surprise, I knew we would be breaking up months before it happened. I knew what you were doing and who you were doing it with and I could tell none of your future plans involved me. I even know what book you read which led you to your actions. Nobody told me anything, though. I just worked it out with the brain that I so clearly have.

Your main complaint seemed to be about the fact that everyone looked around when I slammed my hand on the table. Realistically, you are never going to be invisible. Calling me pathetic was never the right way to deal with that.

I didn't like the way you talked to your mum. I found the voice you used grating.

On the way out of the gate, I was a massive bundle of knots. I didn't know how I was feeling - distraught, hollow, numb, sad, crushed, depressed, anxious, terrified - until I realised how I was feeling, and how I had been for months: betrayed.

Less than twelve hours beforehand I had told someone incredibly attractive that I couldn't sleep with her - no matter how much I wanted to - because I was in a relationship with you. If I'd had the courage to end the relationship a week earlier, like I was trying to do, I would have had sex with her that night. I didn't tell you this when I saw you because, although I did the right thing, you'd think that even the fact that I was talking to her was unacceptable. You didn't like me having friends, really, did you?

I should have kissed you when I had the chance. You were responding to my kisses on your face with ones of your own and you had a huge, melt-your-heart smile on your face. I should have obtained consent and then gone for a full-on smooch on the lips. I still have no idea why I didn't do that.

I think you may have had a crush on me; my mother agreed. I was never going to ask outright, but it made me feel awkward.

Backing me into a corner and yelling because I was wearing a white poppy only strengthened my resolve to wear a white poppy more often. Nobody seems to understand how important the white poppy movement is to me, but it's not your place to yell.

I know you've moved on, but the amount of hurt you've caused to one of my dear friends, and the additional hurt you caused to my fiancée, makes you very difficult to forgive. I always forgive when I can, but it is proving very difficult. However, when I met your daughter, I forgot all about that, because she completely radiated happiness and I had nothing but love in my heart for her.

I am never going to see you again and I am never going to get over the fact that I'm never going to see you again. I may be in the wrong job.

When you said that I wasn't the person you lose your virginity to in front of your friends, I genuinely believed it. I sat there in shock trying to process the amount of self-doubt that crashed over me in crippling waves for hours afterwards. You only told me hours later that it wasn't true, and by that point, I was too far gone.

I was going to do it in the middle of Liverpool, maybe in front of one of the cathedrals. The only reason I did it in the hotel room was because you put me on the spot. When you came back with alternate solutions, I thought you had changed your mind and were actually saying no. It couldn't have gone any worse, and considering how nervous I was when I was on my way up there, it was a complete self-destruction to actually do so and not get a clear answer. You said that I broke your heart, but you had no idea how much you had broken mine.

When I said that I was genuinely trying to help, I meant it. If you didn't agree with my ideas, then that's fine, but the amount of vitriol I got was completely disproportionate. I genuinely was trying to help.

At that time I was in a mess. Confused, upset, exhausted and heartbroken. I didn't know where I was going, or what I was going to do next. I was really hating life and hadn't a clue how to get out of the funk I was in. But there, on that first morning, I had never been happier. As the sun beat down from above, and I put pen to paper, I felt an incredible amount of peace and serenity. My smiles and laughter came, not just from your jokes, but relief. I can't thank you enough.

Ish. Ash. Osh. Peace.