pixiebelle, posts by tag: cancer - LiveJournal

“I don’t wanna do this.” I repeat this phrase to myself over and over again, as the warm water from the show cascades over my body. 

I stare blankly at the wall and wish I could just go back to bed. It’s too early for this. I’m already not a morning person, but these treatments make me even less eager to get out of bed. 

Eventually I pull myself from the warm shower and crawl back into bed for some temporary comfort, wrapping myself in my blankets but careful not to lay back down or close my eyes. I scroll through Facebook while I warm up enough to get out of bed for the second time. I eat a quick breakfast, usually just an apple, before throwing on some leggings and a long t-shirt. I almost forget to grab a scarf or hat to cover my nearly hairless head, but a quick glimpse in the mirror reminds me. I don’t want people knowing I’m sick. I just want to blend in with everyone else. 

I just want to feel normal. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I told myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who only talked about my illness. In fact, I told people I didn’t want to talk about it at all. My life isn’t just cancer, and I want it to be a blip - some minor annoyance that happened in the background of my life - not something that would define me. 

CW: Fertility and cancer. 

When I was younger, I made the mistake of having the same therapist as my partner. 

As I sat in her office, a pillow in my lap and tears in my eyes, I confessed to her that I was thinking of leaving my boyfriend. 

“Why? Aren’t things going well for the two of you?” 

“Well yes,” I said. “Very well. I have never been so happy.” 

“Then why are you thinking of ending things?” 

I struggled to say the words, because I knew what she was going to say. 

She was going to agree with me, I just knew it. Anyone with half a brain would agree that I needed to end things sooner rather than later. 

“I want to have children,” I blurted out.