Ｗｅ　ａｒｅ　ｏｎｅ　ａｎｏｔｈｅｒｓ　ｍｉｒｒｏｒ

I think this is mostly me talking into space now, but that's okay.

My grandmother passed away today, so I went digging to see what I had written here when my grandfather passed. Apparently twelve years ago. It wasn't all that enlightening but I did manage to put down that I would make him proud. I'm....not sure if I have? Maybe, maybe. I graduated and got a BA in Psych and then I went on to get an MS in nutrition. And I had a steady job for a while and now I have one again.

I got married, got a new cat. Got a new apartment. Learned to cook.

Learned to use less emoji's.

And so on.

I...I'm not sure what I have to say to my grandmother yet individually. I think I'll figure it out as I process. But to both of them as a couple:

I love you. And I'm sorry if I wasn't ever able to express how much I loved both of you. When I think of my childhood I can't help but think of them and everything they did for me. It was a lot. I got pulled out of lunch to spend lunch with them and we would eat at Blimpie's and then go to the park until I had to go back to school. My grandfather would cook sometimes and my grandmother other times. We would go to Houlihan's and eat shrooms and my grandfather would always order a second order to take home.

I wish I could talk to him now, talk to him about food beyond what my palette was then. Talk politics, talk the world, talk anything. With my grandmother I...I'm not sure yet. But you were amazing and it's okay that you're gone now. It's okay, I'm just sorry you had to go on the end of this terrible fucking year.

Maybe all I can say is that I'll try to make both of you proud.

Hi, again.

I don't like myself right now. I feel boring, uninteresting, and kind of a waste of space. Not in that I'm not contributing to anything, I just feel... flat. I thought it was because of one issue but seeing as I actually did do several social things tonight and it didn't help, I don't think it's that. I just want to feel happy again? I want to feel like things are okay.

Alright, I said it wasn't that but because of my mood its lingering on my mind. I'm falling into that trap where I need to justify things to myself again and I hate it. I want to sleep, but it seems way too early to do so right now. Above all I just want my brain to shut up.

If I wait it out, it will pass. It always passes, but this cloud has been hovering.

"I want to feel the ocean over my head."

Yeah, that would feel real good about now.

I come back here every so often to read what I write in times of stress. Im not stressed right now but I do... hate myself I guess? Most accurate way to put it.

Hm.

See you in a few months.

Hi again.

So almost 2 months have passed since the last entry. Things have gotten better? I think, anyway. Right now I am kind of at a lack of feeling anything—trying to combat the New Year's blues I get every year. I always worry when I am in a mood like this, as usually it precipitates a crash. I kind of really want to talk to someone right now too, but I don't want to bother anyone.

Mmn, maybe I will write more later.

Sometimes I wander if my brains spent or Ive just become terrible.

its really hard to focus in school and study for exams anymore. Whats wrong with me.

This experience was downright scary. I'm still on edge.

Back on the grid in my own house after 5 days with no electricity and water.


Fuck you, Sandy. Some of Hoboken is still in the dark.

I have no power and water, and walking up 14 flights of stairs is no bueno. Over this :|.

Blah blah dont plagarize, blah.

Im in a grad school. Does this really need to be said, still?.

I wish this was easier.

I have an instagram if anyone uses it/would like to follow. Feel like a newb on it, but drop a comment if you want my handle.

Besides that last day of work is friday. Looking to rp again, does anyone even RP on lj anymore?