I remember when things were fresh and new, when anything was enough and absolutely everything was seared with the rawest, most idyllic beauty. Things have changed a lot. If I could pinpoint the trajectory, I could deduce where it began. But we know what happens when you invoke uncertainty. Things go awry. Minds go awry. Everything scatters.
You just can't measure all the properties and so what's left is just a big open space, at least as far as I understand it. What was, what is. All of it tangled together. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to figure out how to understand, either.
Retreating from the day to day world, feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, bored, lost & minus identity. Feeling grateful, loved, excited. How do these aggregates of discordant states of being mix so thoroughly, and what am I to do about now. tomorrow. tomorrow's morrow.
Today is the first day I witnessed someone die. It is also the first time I've lost anyone close. There is a hole in my world the shape of a feline.
Suzie, also affectionately known as: Suziekins, Suzie Q, the Suze, Soozles... May your consciousness merge with universe, and the love in your little heart radiate outward from all points in space-time, and the love generated by our tears find its way to you So there is always a dance, a cosmic interplay, of love-consciousness generating and dissolving your being through countless forms, exalting in the warmth of an Earthen day resting peacefully in the cozy familiarity of your being expectant, inquisitive, resilient, always dreaming, always free and most importantly always loved. May you be safe in this universe, Whereever you are and whatever you become, may you feel the comforting embrace of existence wrapped around you Regardless how dire or beautiful the circumstances you may find. May you be, whatever form the universe compels you to take, Just be.
Perhaps I will see you on the other side, or maybe once again here - that, sweet being, is up to you - at least for now. (insert cosmic wink emoticon here)
The trappings of intuition vs logic, or how the mind battles the heart even though they are NOT distinct entities by any means. In overanalyzing and rationalizing we fail to capture some essential nature, some essence of what is... does one do any good by constantly questioning, or is this rigorous analysis precisely what is necessary to ensure the highest functioning of the psyche? Even that sounds like science paper mumbo jumbo. Something just told me to have faith. Maybe I'm self-defeating in my wariness. Trust the process, trust the flow, and no matter what everything MUST work out, even if it stops making sense in a three-dimensional context for a brief while. Time shapes the repercussions of objects and events. Reality is undeniably relative.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a warm enough climate, far enough removed from the omnipresent glare of the city's lights reflected against the sky, that I could see Sirius and the stars of Orion unimpeded, remaining outside for hours on end. I don't spend enough time looking up, especially in the wintertime. The city permits none but the most limited of celestial views, and although I appreciate the harsh chill of dry winter air biting at my exposed skin, it's not exactly sustainable to stand outside, looking up, for extended periods... but it saddens me because those patterns which traverse the winter sky are some of my favourites.
I suppose I should write an actual update soon.... But, I have new books! and they are beseeching my attention at the moment...
you tell me what you think it means, when the moments without you burn and pull me closer to dissonant theories.
xx..xx..xx..xx
a fine line holding the shift between the gray, morose vancouver landscape and a postmodern jungle. in it find myself longing for the neurochemical cascade of alien time and disjointed mindframes. but the real question is why am I held by linear time and congruent experience when our language is rich and evocative? and I know of endogenous chemicals, and I know of the spirit world. I can find them in the space beween moments.
xx..xx..xx..xx
i beseech logic to make sense of what i'm feeling, but it returns nothing legible in standard notation. all the models, all the theories, dissipate... as i find myself searing with something ancient and cosmic and excitatory, something deep, latent in the epochs of infinity, of biological time. i stopped believing a while ago.
xx..xx..xx..xx
how does this happen? am i falling into destiny or into dopamine? or... biological spirituality.... are they the same thing?
Current Music
Astrix - [live mexico #01] 01 - Astrix Live Mexico
I wish I was more articulate I wish I was more eloquent because there's so many ways I want to describe THIS. all of it. and it would make the most beautiful lyrics to the most cosmic melodies and maybe then I could really live the dream instead of just finding myself euphoric in the span of daydreams, but I can't seem to put it down and it burns just knowing how much goes unsaid. how much goes unknown. and how much goes unrealised....
please, universe, please, please take me deeper. I want to break through. I don't want to be confined to the realms of 3D thought when there's a vast expanse of 6D experience just waiting to be realised in the context of the human form, take me deeper. so that I may speak of it, and take my part in etching the conscious acknowledgement of the greater reality into ours, superimposed, invoked, dreamed into existence by the callings of so many alien-form'd earthlings who are rapt in their urging for something more. something authentic. something worth breaking out of daydreams for.
five more days of classes.... there is a bounded urgency to my mentalstate right now, as if i'm walking with weighted feet and thinking with concrete synapses, and time is once again staring me, opposed, in the eye.
...i want to feel as if i'm living again... breathing with the pulse of fire, dancing with the spacetime continuum, loving fiercely, dreaming lucidly, writing music, spinning fire in the icy clarity of the winter's night, connecttttting looking deeply into eyes and minds co-creating something deeper than all of this, something that runs underlying like an electromagnetic network. synaptic.
i want to take it to the next level like an impetuous earthchild, I am impatient. the universe laughs with me.
it is in the skin-clutching breeze of the orion-cast skylit night that i hear your name, echoed through ages that exist now in quantum manifolds, not in the realms of our frequency-tuned consciousness... and i wonder what it is i can do, clad in my human skin, cast ashore on the edge of a momentous planet reeling through space, to call to you, to attract your attention and to make it known to you that i want to dissolve the edges of infinity topographically etched around me, to channel you into the realms of human thought, to consciousness, to this mental hypersphere. because i'm so weary of this reality as it is, the mundane goings on of the desolate grey pavement and the wretched loneliness of 3D existence manifested in the eyes of the masses. and i want to take it deeper, i want to burn with existence, i want to throw myself into the ocean and catapult my being into deep space, deep time, deep consciousness, and emerge renewed. awoken. attuned. and i may never really know what i am or what you are or what neon threads connect the minds of human beings, but i can try to take it as far as i can go and scream your name silently in the depths of my discontent, my elation, my malaise and my invincibility. so that it wracks the vibrations of all beings on this planet, so that it opens eyes to the wildest notions of being, so that we all burn with the intensity of gods incarnate, and screech the call of infinity in every thread and gluon of our being................
