How to Make a Cup of Tea, by Dr J Watson
How to Make a Cup of Tea
by Dr J Watson.
Step One.
Fill the Kettle.
One(a)
Find water has been turned off. Check water mains. Ring Water Company and after listening to the best of Phil Collins; who don't get me wrong is a fine bloke but once he left Genesis it wasn't the same you know. After listening to 40mins of a recording that sounds like the best of Phil Collins as preformed by the Vuvuzela orchestra reach other human. Only to find out that your bloody roommate has not paid the water bill for the last 3 months so they have turned off the water. You have to promise your first born child to a nice girl from Dublin for your water to be put on and a promise you will go online and transfer the money as soon as you get off the phone. She tells you it will still take until Tuesday to get someone round to turn the water back on.
One(b)
Go downstairs and ask Mrs Hudson if you can use her tap.
Step Two
After kettle has boiled pour boiling water into waiting tea pot to warm the pot.
Two (a)
Realise you can't find the tea pot and the last time you saw it Sherlock had been using it for an experiment on blood splash patterns against the kitchen wall that had ended in an argument where you had compared your flat to Amityville Horror, and then had spent the rest of the night explaining the horror movie genre to Sherlock.
Two (b)
Spend 20mins hunting for the tea pot find medical journal you meant to read but was distracted by the case of the Headless Hitchhiker when Sherlock had him tramping up and down the M25 for eight hours. Start reading and forget what you were doing for 5 minutes. Eventually find tea pot in airing cupboard along with the desiccated skeleton of a cat. Bury cat in the back garden and hope Sherlock does not notice.
Two (c)
Scrub tea pot with bleach and hot water as kettle boils again.
Step Three
Fill tea pot with hot water and let sit to warm while you ask if you can use Mrs Hudson's tap again. You are told you can as just as long as you ask that nice Sherlock to please try and stop playing his Violin at three in the morning.
Step Four
Find a reasonably fresh bottle of milk which passes the sniff test. This is behind a jar of what you are telling your self are sheep eyes.
Step Five
Pour water out of tea pot and pour boiling water in. Stop when you notice the lack of tea leaves.
Five (a)
Quickly go to your bedroom to get from your secret stash some tea leaves in a hollowed out copy of Jordan's autobiography. As your roommate never buys any when he uses it and you are certain he will never look in this book.
Five (b)
Find tea missing and a note in Sherlock's handwriting to buy Assam next time.
Five (c)
Rush across street to local shop, where you get cornered by Old Mrs Lovett, who you once mistakenly told that you are a doctor and now whenever you meet tells you about how her bunions are paining her. And the shop only has tea bags.
Five (d)
Randomly point out window and shout 'Look it's Cliff Richard.' And make a break for the door throwing some money at the women behind the counter. Come back to cold water. Boil kettle again.
Step Six
At last, put two tea bags in pot pour in hot water, wait 3 minutes while checking your emails and wondering if Sherlock will ever stop using your laptop and changing the settings. Find sugar bowl in sitting room being used as paper weight on a map of the London sewer system where it seems a pentacle is marked in what you hope is dried tomato sauce. Ignore this for own peace of mind.
Step Seven
There are no clean mugs and the one's you can find are filled with green sludge that smells of wet dog. Use mug from bathroom that you have to hold your toothbrush in.
Step Eight
Two sugars go in mug, pour in tea, splash of milk, use handle of toothbrush to stir as all teaspoons appear to be missing.
. . . sit . . .enjoy. . .
Step Nine
Roommate rushes in yelling about Lestrade being an imbecile grabs tea from your hands drinks half and tips rest down sink before you can strangle him. Then Sherlock complains about the sugar as he hustles you down the stairs while he almost giddily tells you of a new case involving a Koala, a toilet plunger and the crown jewels.
Step Ten
Repeat tomorrow.
by Dr J Watson.
Step One.
Fill the Kettle.
One(a)
Find water has been turned off. Check water mains. Ring Water Company and after listening to the best of Phil Collins; who don't get me wrong is a fine bloke but once he left Genesis it wasn't the same you know. After listening to 40mins of a recording that sounds like the best of Phil Collins as preformed by the Vuvuzela orchestra reach other human. Only to find out that your bloody roommate has not paid the water bill for the last 3 months so they have turned off the water. You have to promise your first born child to a nice girl from Dublin for your water to be put on and a promise you will go online and transfer the money as soon as you get off the phone. She tells you it will still take until Tuesday to get someone round to turn the water back on.
One(b)
Go downstairs and ask Mrs Hudson if you can use her tap.
Step Two
After kettle has boiled pour boiling water into waiting tea pot to warm the pot.
Two (a)
Realise you can't find the tea pot and the last time you saw it Sherlock had been using it for an experiment on blood splash patterns against the kitchen wall that had ended in an argument where you had compared your flat to Amityville Horror, and then had spent the rest of the night explaining the horror movie genre to Sherlock.
Two (b)
Spend 20mins hunting for the tea pot find medical journal you meant to read but was distracted by the case of the Headless Hitchhiker when Sherlock had him tramping up and down the M25 for eight hours. Start reading and forget what you were doing for 5 minutes. Eventually find tea pot in airing cupboard along with the desiccated skeleton of a cat. Bury cat in the back garden and hope Sherlock does not notice.
Two (c)
Scrub tea pot with bleach and hot water as kettle boils again.
Step Three
Fill tea pot with hot water and let sit to warm while you ask if you can use Mrs Hudson's tap again. You are told you can as just as long as you ask that nice Sherlock to please try and stop playing his Violin at three in the morning.
Step Four
Find a reasonably fresh bottle of milk which passes the sniff test. This is behind a jar of what you are telling your self are sheep eyes.
Step Five
Pour water out of tea pot and pour boiling water in. Stop when you notice the lack of tea leaves.
Five (a)
Quickly go to your bedroom to get from your secret stash some tea leaves in a hollowed out copy of Jordan's autobiography. As your roommate never buys any when he uses it and you are certain he will never look in this book.
Five (b)
Find tea missing and a note in Sherlock's handwriting to buy Assam next time.
Five (c)
Rush across street to local shop, where you get cornered by Old Mrs Lovett, who you once mistakenly told that you are a doctor and now whenever you meet tells you about how her bunions are paining her. And the shop only has tea bags.
Five (d)
Randomly point out window and shout 'Look it's Cliff Richard.' And make a break for the door throwing some money at the women behind the counter. Come back to cold water. Boil kettle again.
Step Six
At last, put two tea bags in pot pour in hot water, wait 3 minutes while checking your emails and wondering if Sherlock will ever stop using your laptop and changing the settings. Find sugar bowl in sitting room being used as paper weight on a map of the London sewer system where it seems a pentacle is marked in what you hope is dried tomato sauce. Ignore this for own peace of mind.
Step Seven
There are no clean mugs and the one's you can find are filled with green sludge that smells of wet dog. Use mug from bathroom that you have to hold your toothbrush in.
Step Eight
Two sugars go in mug, pour in tea, splash of milk, use handle of toothbrush to stir as all teaspoons appear to be missing.
. . . sit . . .enjoy. . .
Step Nine
Roommate rushes in yelling about Lestrade being an imbecile grabs tea from your hands drinks half and tips rest down sink before you can strangle him. Then Sherlock complains about the sugar as he hustles you down the stairs while he almost giddily tells you of a new case involving a Koala, a toilet plunger and the crown jewels.
Step Ten
Repeat tomorrow.
