Everything is so slow and so fast at the same time, in order to focus on the good, I am going to rant about working out for a while. My main issue is that there are so many people out there who complain about being fat and do nothing about it. When I a lot fatter than I am today, I didn't complain about it, and when it became a problem for me - I did something about it. It really is that simple.
The thing is that this is not an instant fix, this doesn't create a sudden black hole in which all the extra fat falls into leaving someone thin. You can't keep eating crap for the rest of your life just because you started running a block, even if you started running miles you can't do that. People seem to think that if you exercise, then you just instantly become fit and are able to maintain fitness simply by doing a minimal amount of activity, or there is something genetically wrong with you causing you to be destined to be fat. Basically, people are acting like children, spoiled and idiotic children. Athletes don't eat all junk all the time, and then run a marathon or compete in a sporting event. Athletes are people, and they do eat things that aren't one hundred percent healthy one hundred percent of the time. Still, the lesson is that you're not going to look like Michael Jordan, age like Jack Lalanne, have skin like Cindy Crawford, and compete like Jackie Joyner-Kersee, while eating like Roseanne Barr. This doesn't work. It's a battle to get from obese typical American to fit and healthy. Even if you don't want to be athletic elite, you have to eat like a healthy person and not a fat one. Being active is not enough to be healthy, nor is eating well.
More changes happen, yet more things stay the same.. I have a lot of things going on at once a lot of the time, and yet it feels like spinning my wheels a lot of the time. It all comes down to streamlining at the moment.
Cutting people out of my life that have turned toxic is amazing. I am quite happy about this. People who can't call unless they need something. People who have filled their lives with an element that is toxic to them and all they have touched. These people are out. Removing these people has been a very positive experience for me. It's like a weight has been lifted from me. Yes, there are still issues/ problems in my life, but there were before. Walking away from toxic people won't cure my mom's cancer, or make my job pay a fair wage for the work done. Walking away from drama and poor choice aligned people doesn't change the political climate, feed my cats, get me a new car, or create an easier time moving, but it does create an environment better to deal with the parts that suck in life. Reducing the amount of negativity visited on me creates an environment better to deal with what I cannot change. I am thankful for the times that were good with the relationships (friendships, acquaintances) that went toxic over time, but once something goes irreparably wrong, it's time to move on.
Not everyone I walked away from needed to be a permanent move, and they may not all be permanent changes, but for me, for now, it's important to realize that this needed to happen. Being messaged from someone's house who threatened me, about how the person messaging is feeling uncomfortable with people showing up on 4/20, after embracing people living the "drug culture" lifestyle is probably a large RED FLAG that something is wrong here. Especially after the person can't return texts that are funny, fun, or not helping them out. Receiving one word messages until someone is demanding that I give them something is another sign that I they are not someone I need to be around any longer. People who can't be bothered to give me information essential to doing them a favor, and then bad mouth me for not helping them out are pointless. Only being texted by someone if they need a ride, a favor, or something made for them would be another red flag, especially if they can't be bothered to RSVP for anything that they don't get anything from. Being expected to hand hold and comfort or support someone who suddenly is being "overwhelmed" when the topic switches from their life is definitely something that needs to end. People who have decided to start talking behind my back (and calling me a slut) while going on a promiscuity spree, huge sign I need to walk away. These people are not worth my time.
Giving part of my life, time, money, food, etc is not something that I usually have a problem with. Giving is something that is quite easy for me, but there comes a time when it's just too much. If my life is so overwhelming because the attention is no longer on them, then I must not be okay to keep around for them in any way. Calling or returning messages being "too much" is something that I can understand. Socialization is hard, and if keeping me in that loop is too hard, then I can walk out completely, but that means that I won't be there when they need me to fix it all either. The idea that I will be tossed aside until needed to fix things is ridiculous, and not something that ANYONE should tolerate. All the people like that are gone, well - all that aren't close blood relatives. From here on in, it will be different.
Life sneaks up on you sometimes. Everything seems like it's all right, but then you realize that it's not exactly what you were looking at before, and that it's not at all what you had hoped for. It seems like you need to be hit in the face with the fact that your life has moved on without you or something. That was my entire 2011. Life needed to be put back together so much that living it was nearly not an option half the time. Over half way through the year, my self-destruction finally stopped. I stopped hating myself for what someone else had done to me. I stopped blaming me for all the bad things that had happened. i started believing that there was something that could be done for my life that would be positive. There was backsliding from time to time, but for the most part the trip to Boston that I made in May had cured my soul ache. Feelings had developed in me for someone, but I knew better than to follow that road, and it was hard to force myself out of the habit of letting myself go into a situation that was sure to hurt me. It took a lot, but outright stating that it wasn't going to happen to the one I felt for helped.
Suddenly - nearly literally here - something amazing happened. I met someone incredible. Strange how it all works out.
The problem is that someone who was there, who I was also there for, throughout all the trouble is gone. They no longer exist in my life. It hurts. I hurt, but I won't allow myself to support behavior that is harmful. Things they have 'hidden' from me (like the cigarettes hidden in a purse that was dumped in front of me, etc) aren't hidden.. they're real. If only they could realize that the same I feel for others, the same lack of judgement, I feel for them.
Autumn is here, and it's my favorite time of year. The sky., the air, the pumpkin, the colors, the spices, and the weird and crazy weather.
Things that I have to do yet for my autumn fantastic -ness are to make a wreath ( the summer one is just no longer getting it done, and I have the skill to do so), cleaning the apartment again (as it always seems to get disorganized), create a menu for the Pumpkin Dinner in November, contemplate planting mums (not happening, look I just finished a part of the list), organize the recipes I have, look for the food/cooking magazine I am missing, and change into flannel sheets on my bed (they are so cute). This will also have me at Alcatraz's disposal, so she will be happy with me tapping into my inner anti - Martha. Yeah, Ms. Stewart would likely frown at my language, use of alcohol to console the loss of my sanity while attempting to craft, and the liberal use of hot clue to fix any problem that would be aesthetically unpleasant if duct tape were used. Martha Stewart would also be likely to take issue w/ the way that I manage my kitchen, which is with about as much finesse as an angry bumble bee. It all usually turns out all right.
Thinking about putting out my feelers for Xmas cards, etc. The last few years have been a mess, so it may not be worth it in the end. Regardless, this looks like a good and busy week for me.
At this moment I would like to let people know that my world is likely about to fall apart, this world that I have done my best to recreate, to figure out. I have made a world that I have not been familiar with before, and still am not familiar with. There has been a hope that there will be time for me to figure out the way that this may work. There was hope, but hope is not my strong suit and it's easy for me to let go of, so I have. It seemed I had found a situation that would work for me, that I had found something that was worthwhile, worth my time, and I still feel that way, but it seems that the feeling of worthwhile has been one sided. Things got hard, inconvenient. I am often inconvenient, and that is usually my downfall. Yet again I have not found a way to not impact a person's life in a way that is not negative. Guess that's the way of my life. Now it's time for me to deal with the consequences of my actions.
It seems that being alone is the way that I am meant to be.
I got my hair cut yesterday, some people really like it, I am still not able to recognize my reflection, so I am still unsure, but the positive feedback is really helpful in general.
Working out yesterday was another day in my quest for physical fitness.. I like this trend of doing and continuing on. I like the fact that I am the best shape I've been in since high school, and lighter than I was all but my junior year. I am a smaller more compact, and stronger me that I was only months ago. It's a definite positive in my life right now. I met with a trainer yesterday, as I have hit another plateau, and this one wasn't budging. The help from the trainer will help my strength and thus burn more calories than I have been in previous workouts, which is going to be awesome!! Already the meet w/ the trainer has helped my motivation and I am just waiting for the dishes to be clean to make it to the gym again today. I am sort of disappointed that I am not going to be able to work out tomorrow or the next day due to the Father's Day weekend thing, but you better believe that Monday will be something fantastical in the workout department.
The trainer had a lot of positive feedback, and was impressed that I have gotten this far by myself. He was pleased with my work ethic and dedication to creating a better me. The trainer also gave me a lot of great suggestions in ways that I can improve the results of my efforts. These are great tools, and I plan on using them as effectively and frequently as possible.
Running has taken a back seat to my desire to heal up my right hamstring, as it has been a problem more frequently that I would like to admit. Having lost some of the flexibility in it had definitely taken a tole on my confidence, but I am doing better now, and I am hoping to be ready for a marathon by January. Go big or go home! It's going to be a long haul, but having a goal will help my motivation continue to pull through even the hard stretches (literally and figuratively). There are a lot of positive things going on in my personal life, as in the life that has no social interactions on any emotional level. I am really lucky that my health is doing well enough yet for me to deal with my fitness yet. I am very happy to be able to be improving myself.
Just so you know, there are some jobs that your child cannot do "bring your child to work" day for.... - Air Traffic Control (I know....OOOPSY) - Neurosurgeon - SWAT team - Jet Pilot - CDC Field Agent/Researcher - PFC, Army, Iraq - Air Force One personnel - Flight Attendant - Paramedic (yeah, though I have an ex who likens us to garbage men~ it's harder than it looks) - Highway Patrol - Political Analyst - ER Doctor - Microbiologist (in lab work, not teacher) - UN Interpreter (we don't want an interpretation with BFF/IDK/WTF) - Chef - Pimp - Firefighter - Police Officer (in general) - Negotiator/Suicide Prevention Personnel - - - -
Yeah, the list is likely longer, but this seems to be a pretty good guideline in general. I mean, really people, don't bring your child to work if you could get the child hurt or potential hurt other people due to your child's presence. Just saying...
My self-declaration is here... I was made this way by me, for a reason. I am me just the way that it is, that I am.
I am the Unstoppable Force.
I am detached from my emotions (even though I feel them).
I am a problem solver.
I communicate without shame, embarrassment, or guile.
I am a paramedic.
I am a writer - even though I don't want to publish right now.
I am free falling right now, and I like it.
I am a student - college and of life.
There is nothing that will change who I am on a fundamental level, but there are things that are okay to change for me. The way I handle my life is the way that works for me. There is no one that is allowed to take this away from me. Just because I don't do things the way that some people would like me to, doesn't mean that it's wrong. The way I am is healthy for me. I am functional, efficient, and happy the way that I am. There will never be a time that I am going to be ready to give into emotion without looking at all the options first, because giving into emotion is beyond scary for me. Unless I realize the long term outcome of my actions, I am not comfortable with my actions being as they are. I need to have an educated and analyzed view of where my choices are going to lead me. It's the way that I operate, and it works for me.
This doesn't work for everyone, and some people need to be more in touch with what they feel than me, and that's what works for them. If it works for them, if they're comfortable/functional/efficient - who cares? Let them be! I am that way that way I am. It took some time to get this comfortable with myself. It doesn't matter what works for everyone else, it works for me.
That's another thing - if you want your lover/significant other (etc) to be more _______ (fill in the blank), then you don't want them, not really. If it's an essential part of who they are that you want to change, then you don't want who they really are. It's not worth it if you don't want them, find someone else. Love you, and love someone else for exactly who they are - not who you want them/yourself to be.
From an early age I was fed the lie of the blue collar dream. Yeah, that's right - it's a lie. WHY? No one but no one dreams of being blue collar. Well, I did. I had, somewhat still have a romanticized idea of what it is to be blue collar. I have the rock'n'roll mentality, of the classic rockers. The construction workers, factory workers, garbage men, store clerks, and bar tenders. The idea of Allentown, PA and the such sticks out in my mind as the ideal. Someone working in a diner and someone working manual labor, or being a cop, and struggling to raise a family. Somehow the idea that this is the way we are supposed to live, that this is the American Dream, was placed inside of my head. It has never worked its way out, but I realize that it shouldn't be my goal. This is not everything that I want for myself. Believing that struggling to get by is an ideal doesn't seem to make sense. No one should want to have to struggle to make ends meet, and to want that doesn't add up.
Where does this romanticism come from with the middle class? I never read the "romance novels" with the rich doctors and the country clubs. I read the action novels with the private investigators and watched the crime dramas. The characters in crime dramas and mystery novels are not the rich people. People who are surgeons, physicists, and politicians are not the people having flexible schedules, and they don't have extraordinary things happen to them in the fiction I was introduced to. The cops, firefighters, and paramedics saved the affluent from themselves. Being rich, intelligent, and successful was the root of all evil in the world where I was raised. Power has never been something to strive for, because I've always seen it as the root of evil as well.
Do I want to stay where I am right now? No! I want more for myself, but I fight every day to believe that it's all right to do so. Everyday it's a fight to convince myself that aspirations beyond where I am is good, because for so long this is where I believed I should be. Having a degree always seemed to be an evil, because it was the departure from the blue collar world that I was taught to idolize. Working to be white collar seems to be the antithesis of where my life has always been headed, always should be headed. It feels wrong, but at the same time I realize that departing from my past is a positive step. Leaving the comfort zone of a nowhere life is a positive step in my life. It's terrifying.
It's terrifying to believe that I could be something more than just getting by. It's strange to believe that maybe I could be one of the scientists or doctors, but here I am moving in that direction, and doing so well. This goes a long way to a lot of my failed relationships, and some failed friendships, because my mindset has always been different from most people who wanted/want a blue collar lifestyle. I have always wanted to be the best I could be at my job/career path. I have always wanted more for myself than just being adequate at what I am doing. Although some of the people in the blue collar community are very proud of their work, and the majority have a great work ethic, putting forth the ambition to be the best at their line of work is not the norm. To expect more out of myself, and then to be put in an area with people who do not expect that of themselves put me at odds with a lot of the people I was involved with on a personal level. My life has always been at odds with the romance I have had with the idea of blue collar.
Blue collar and I have tried to work things out, but it just hasn't worked out. We gave it our best. We can still be friends. Today, however, I am done trying to make this relationship work. Clearly blue collar and I are just not meant to be. Neither one of us are happy right now with the way things are going, and neither one of us are going to change. I had thought it was going to work, thought that this was going to be the rest of my life, but it's just not meant to be. Although it's a sad situation, I am positive that we will both carry on quite well and will have a healthier happier relationship in the future with someone else. No hard feelings, but I do have to go.
Bad things happen every day, what makes this day any different?? A movie? The unlikely probability that the number 13 will negatively effect your life? Many people are born a 13th of some month, and they are constantly all right. Yes, they die, but we all die eventually.
The idea that you can't get pregnant because XYZ doesn't apply unless the reason you give me is abstinence. Yes, you have an IUD, take the pill, he pulls out, you pray to eighteen gods/goddesses, you use the rhythm method, there were condoms involved, and he drinks more Mountain Dew than anyone you've ever met - with a stomach the size of a beach ball and no period since you can't remember when = PREGNANT!!!
This past week has been crap-tacular! No more evil attacking corkscrews, dead pets (yeah, one was a family pet from my youth), crazy relatives, and/or stressed out loved ones! Friday is likely not going to make this better, but it will also not make it worse.... not quite.
The bottom isn't really as far down as you go, there is always the sub-basement. Don't mess with the elevator unless you see bedrock, okay?
I am living in a time when sweater vests are trendy - SCARY!!!
Please, let me remind you - your snot/sputum/discharge/secretions should not be green/yellow/red/brown!!!! I will tell you right now, it may turn black and fall off/come out/shrivel up/expel itself forcefully from your body and attempt to take over.
Oh, and finally - when you're a multi-million *or thousand* dollar non-profit organization in a glass house, do not piss off an entire website of experts and supportive individuals associated with your cause. If you do this, a public apology is in order - as opposed to attacking a private citizen with threats and intimidation. Want yourself tried and found guilty by the public, attack them! Otherwise, cop to your flaws/faults and deal with the backlash.
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