phoenix_moth, posts by tag: worry - LiveJournal

by the end of the day now i'm tired so it doesn't matter anymore but these mornings of quiet terror and choking back tears make me wish i could sleep for days and standing behind the counter at work sometimes i look around me for a second and realize i have no clue where i am or what i'm doing or what the people around me are saying, i don't know what i'm supposed to be acting like and i can't think or move, can't understand the things being said to me, and inside me this...something...a blindness, deafness, this great surging white rises and blocks my ears and eyes so that for a few minutes at a time i am completely walled off from the world and then i scream inside my head and say don't do this, i have a job to do, i'll get in trouble, i'll fail and be fired and i will be disappointed in myself, don't do this to me. and it breaks long enough for me to smile benignly at some completely oblivious coworker or customer like i'm not coming apart inside.

i want to go home the second i leave my dorm in that uniform and the only thing stopping me is knowing that if i quit, that's it. i have no money, i have no distraction and i have no pride. because i hate nothing so much as quitters and liars and i have quit too many times as it is. i can't keep quitting. but god i need someone here with me so much. i have to stop myself from begging mary to come back every time we're on the phone or texting anymore and the thought that i may not see either of them at all this summer is one i can't even handle; i can't handle thinking of troy anymore. i ignore anything mary says about him and if he's there when she's on the phone with me i hang up. i simply cannot allow myself anymore to remember that he exists while the reality of the situation remains as it is now-- that he is there and i am here and it will be a long, long, long time before that changes if it ever does, that i have no means of communicating with him until then and just...i can't think about him. except when i glance at his pictures on my desk, he's all but dead to me-- not because i don't want him anymore or because i don't love him, not because i want him out of my life, but because if i let the full force of what i feel for him combine with the realization that i can't be with him for months, for who knows how many months, i will collapse under the silence. under that weight. under that pain.

mary is all i can handle thinking of.

may (the month, not a typo) is all i can handle thinking until ___. i can't think of summer, i can't think of june or july or any time after it. i can only handle thinking in terms of the time until my job at subway and my school year are done. when i was thinking i'd see troy in may or june it was okay, i had that to look forward to but without that the summer seems like a great big black thing ahead of me and it terrifies me because how much worse will i get? how much more terrified will i become? how much lonelier? how much crazier? when will it stop? where wil it end? how far down will i go before something stops me and what will if i anything? can anything stop this at all? how much longer do i have to go on feeling so bad?

it is thinking of this that makes me want to die. but knowing as i do that i probably don't really want to die, that the bad feeling will pass at least for a few hours or days, keeps me breathing. for a while the thought that i will be with my mom this summer was enough to keep the bad out of my head but...well i shouldn't have mentioned it to christina, i really shouldn't have and i honestly d on't know why i did because we aren't even that kind of friends anymore. but the minute she said "and you really think staying with your mom is going to make it better?" in that are-you-really-that-fucking-stupid? tone i thought of last summer and how lonely and depressed i was then and what if this summer is just like that one? what if this job at the hospital is just as scary as subway? what if..what if... what if. what if i don't see mary or troy all summer, don't meet new people on my own, don't do anything at all? what if i spend this summer exactly like i did last summer?

at times like this i wish i had never opened my door on march thirteenth. it seems like everything got ten times worse the moment i finally got to see how it felt to have someone sleep next to me, hold me, touch me, kiss me, love me. so much worse. so.much.worse.

being without that is like i had the fucking world ripped apart and now i'm pathetic.

somebody in this room smells like my grandfather's aftershave. that really doesn't help and now my chest hurts.

i feel like i'm starting to become something altogether unlikeable even on base levels.
i want to withdraw completely from everything around me until i'm somebody that other people can like again.
if i ever was.
i don't know.

too many negative labels are being stuck to the velcro walls of my brain: closeminded, self-centered, things like that. things that up until the past two years had never really applied to me. i have to wonder why it is that these things are suddenly becoming so prominent-- is it because i somehow changed drastically in 2007 and am rapidly deteriorating in character or something?

i don't know.
i'm losing interest in things i loved and nothing is coming to take their places; photography is a fleeting thought if it comes at all right now and writing has been for a year and a half now something i simply scoff at unless it's more mindless emo ramblings.
i can't figure out what's going on and it's getting nasty.

*i should note that the close-minded thing actually only just occurred and it was more that the guy was saying that what i had just said was close-minded, and when i really think about that it was more than likely because what i said (basically that unless a teacher could show me something he or she had written that blew me away, i wouldn't give any credence to any advice they gave me on how to write my own stuff) was not what i meant. i'm so bad at expressing myself that i'm not surprised it came off that way, as if i'm not aware that a person can be a great writer and not affect me positively (look at poe and dickinson for instance, i dislike both but they're great writers, right? and so was shakespeare but i don't like him either). I am.

I don't know. It's like the negative traits I possess, although they have always been there and always had a few good traits to balance them out, are suddenly intensifying to levels that no amount of good humor, patience or kindness in others can hope to excuse or forgive.

I'm becoming in some ways a person even I can't stand and I'm not sure how this started or how to stop it. It feels like I'm breaking apart and losing sight of anything and everything that should give me hope, that should instill in me the desire to be better at things. I'm currently awake at half-past one (granted, I am slightly happy to say I'm reading chapter seven in my biology textbook and I just finished my oceanography homework and a biology self-test on chapter six) because I actively plan to skip both classes this evening. To do what, I don't really know. I just decided not to go.

I know for sure I won't be skipping algebra Friday though, and if nothing else tomorrow I need to take my oceanography textbook with me wherever I go so I can catch up to chapter ten (I missed so much, six entire chapters if I'm not mistaken), take the practice test for algebra again (I FINALLY did the practice quiz and figured out that if I work through problems on the practice test, stop when I get something wrong and go work example problems similar to whatever I got wrong until I start to get it, it works) and...I don't know. Every time I start feeling like I've got a handle on something it turns out I don't (like the oceanography exam I came out of feeling like I must have gotten at least a C but got a D on in reality), so I can't say I feel any more confident about these tests than I did about the first ones, even though this time I started studying before I even knew what day the exams would be on.


I'm so worried. About my grades and about my life in general. I really don't know what the fuck is happening to me and I feel both frustrated with myself and with the rest of the world because neither they nor I can deal with me anymore.

Although there is Brian, and there's Sasha and Lyle and the other people that I talk to....I really need to stop discounting them.
it's the eighth....I have to make an appointment to see a counselor about my grades before the 15th. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I don't know. I have got to do SOMEthing about this shit.
I wonder if, if I promised myself that this would be the last week I allowed myself to skip class, I would stick to that.

also, why the fuck do I feel so averse to taking a bath/shower right now when I love taking baths/showers and I know damned well I won't sleep until I've done one or the other?

Why the fuck does nothing seem to matter to me lately?

Oh boy.
Here it goes.


I've never had to stock an arsenal for this kind of battle.
I'm about to have to go in with nothing more than my hands, and they're pretty used to scarring and such but even so...


I worry.

maybe it's too early to worry.
it's only been a few days.
It can solve itself, possibly, right?

Right?


....I'm getting in way deep here.


i can only hope my head stays above water,
and that i have the strength- that he has the strength, as well- to keep his up too.

You know, I'm not at all certain why it makes me nervous, you and Caleb living in the same place. It's not as if there's a very great chance of you crossing paths; there are hundreds of thousands of people here in Baton Rouge that I never see, and I'm sure Edmonton is just as big, if not bigger, than here. Honestly, what are the odds?

 am i afraid of the small odds winning out? what might happen if you met, like caleb possibly spitting in your face, or you doing something I can't imagine because the idea sometimes of you being malicious is incongruous with the idea of you that I usually have?

What I don't understand is why something seems to have changed between the last time we talked when you were in Kingston and now. maybe it's inside me. I've come to realize that something changes in me when I'm here in this room. conversations are sluggish and slow and full of nothing here. I can't think or form any intelligent conversation. And yet outside this room I hate to be on my laptop at all because I feel exposed, watched, as if every moment someone is thinking that I shouldn't be on my laptop and getting very annoyed that I'm on it. Which of course is going on when I'm in my room as well but in my room I don't have to notice it.  In this room I have no feeling. I can't write poetry anymore, can't find any stimulation whatsoever unless it's storming and even those joys are diminishing quickly lately. I don't know what's happened; am I becoming emotionless, entirely?

  I wonder what's going to happen to you, to us now. Will you finally blossom into the person I've always thought you were? will you find new friends, and go places, and grow into yourself at last?
I want that, but I'm afraid that I'll disappear.

On the other hand, what if you stay inside a shell and never grow? I don't want that even though it might mean you and I would never be threatened, so to speak.

Amazing, how you somehow convince me to struggle not to be selfish.
Yes, I want you to find new friends, and new things to do and see. I won't hold you back. Not ever.

I love you.



This journal probably makes no sense, but keep in mind I'm very sleepy and somewhat sick.

....I'm getting really nervous.
I was all giddy with my revenge and shit, but the more time passes the more I'm getting to worry....your last words to me... I mean the last thing you said this week was "the roads are slippery" and about it being dark and stormy and icy and I'm scared. How do I know the reason you haven't come back is because you...got into an accident or...or.... what if....I don't....
....if you got into some kind of horrible accident and I've lost you and don't know it yet.....

I have the most horrible twisting fear in my stomach I feel sick and I want to cry where are you? are you still out in the country, maybe coming home later than you thought? are you safe in bed thinking of me?

...or...or are you twisted up in a hospital bed suffering exsanguination or...already....on a metal table with a Y-incision in your torso?


oh, lily....please please please be safe please be safe please be okay i'm scared
please please please
please be okay
please be asleep or late coming home or tired or something anything just as long as you're safe and sound and not broken in pieces on the side of an icy Canadian road or....worse....if there is worse
I haven't closed your IM window for three days I'm waiting waiting for you to come home and tell me you're okay and just really sleepies and are going to go to sleep or something
i'm so scared....
i promise i'll never lose another thing you give me if you come home
i'll never look at another boy or girl again or anything i promise just please come home safe
mew mew mew 
meep
eeps

snugsnugsnug

say something!
anything.
talk.
come home.
I miss you so goddamned much.
come home.
please.
be safe.
come home come home come home come home come home come home.
LYLE, GODDAMN IT, COME HOME.


.....fuck.