Penpen

I was reading my sister's journal from back in the day & it was hilarious & absolutely awesome & I literally fell down laughing. Then I looked at mine & CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE. I had to private that ish ASAP. I'm truly sorry if you were around me back in 2009 (10yrs ago). Future me: your username is person5757. & your password is: LightningbugEkDuiTin . (If you're some rando who isn't me, that's not my real password.) (And btw Random, if you do exist, how high are you to read my bs? Go check out mewkabulu (my sister) - she's hilarious & has things to say that are actually worth reading).

But enough about the jerk from back then. Let's talk about how I'm a whole new kind of jerk now :)

So as it turns out, I absolutely love power. The Kanye West song (Power) is in my head all the time, along with that commercial about Invictus (the men's perfume from Paco Rabane). Future me: it's the one where the rugby player walks onto the pitch, and there's women in towels laying around for him to use, and then he walks down the pitch & a wall of dudes try to rush him to take him down, & he obliterates them without breaking a sweat. In my head, I'm THAT guy ("No one man should have all that power"). I don't want to use women, but I do feel like that monster of a dude every single day. (And just to be clear, I also don't want to actually be a man although I think if I'd been born one, it wouldn't have been bad because then I could just be a whole lot cockier (aka my real self) & it'd come off as swag). They say power corrupts. It ain't no lie (baby bye bye bye).

So the good things about me: I don't quit trying. Don't matter how many times you take me down, I'm gonna get back up & keep coming. That's why I know I earned what I got.

Bad things about me: I genuinely talk like a mix between a redneck & a gangster now. Can already tell I'm gonna regret this in a few years.

Real things about me (although I'm real all the time so what's the difference? I guess this is the most vulnerable thing I'll post up here in public): I'm terrified of losing my looks. Getting old when you've spent most of your adult life as a PYT don't feel good. I guess that's a little part of why I'm so motivated now to get moving on getting married. But mostly I want to get married because I picture spending time with my kids & teaching them to love all different kinds of outdoor activities. I've been listening to "A Mother's Reckoning" by Sue Klebold (Dylan Klebold's mom - he was one of the gunmen at Columbine highschool in 1999) & even not being a mother myself (yet), I still relate so much to the hopes & dreams she had for her sons. But everytime I picture my boob in some dude's mouth, it literally makes me gag & I have to think about a guy-guy love-story to feel better (Banana Fish ftw). It don't help that I'm whole lot more mentally stable, focused, & happier without a man in my life. But I don't want to raise kids in a single-parent household because I think kids need a quality dad in their lives. This is gonna be a challenge, but I don't know how to quit so I know it's gonna work out.

Whelp - that's about it. Career's good - worked out so far. Still a disgusting slob - I gotta hire someone to clean for me.

PS - quite hilariously, I gained a following on the internet as a guy-guy fluff writer between 2015-2016. Thousands of tween-girls love me - to the point where even now (years after I quit posting), I still get (ocassional) fan messages. (They've been dying down). My favorite was from this one kid who was trapped in hospital & sent me an email saying my stuff helped her get through her depression of being sick. That felt good. I stopped because I got too busy to write, & because it was messing with my mind too much.

I'm becoming a better person - day by day. It's happening slowly (much slower than it's supposed to) - but atleast it's movement in the right direction.

What have I learned in 2011:

1. Whenever a problem comes up, I can ask myself: What would Tom Cruise do? And then based on the answer, do that.
Why? Because Tom Cruise may be an idiot but he's always sincere about everything he does. That's why he's so successful. I'm not the brightest bulb in the box - but I can try to be one of the most sincere bulbs atleast and try my hardest at the important things.

2. I'm trying to learn patience and perseverance - The ones who survive are the ones who deal with all the BS and keep fighting till they come out on the other side.
I'm not an eternal optimist - being an optimist would be amazing. But I'm more realist than total optimist.

What I don't like about myself?

1. I'm still needlessly cruel sometimes for fun

2. Still not efficient enough - but it is getting better

What's improved?

1. I've gotten a lot better at holding in my temper - it's made things a lot easier with Ma and I'm glad for that.

2. I've swallowed my pride, grown up a little - taken a loan and gauranteed to myself that I will work in a place where I didn't think I wanted to live. But I'm excited and happy about it now.
Something that I've always liked about myself: no matter how much I might hate a situation to start with, I've eventually found a way to be happy. Hope I'll always keep seeing the glass as "half-full"

3. I've gotten a lot more comfortable about not fitting in perfectly - it's nice to settle into myself as a quiet, semi-loner-ish adult.

I've had an incredibly blessed and happy life - mostly thanks to how hard my mother worked to earn it for me. So the question now: what can I do to make her happy as well?

I reread my old journal today - it's very hard not to get annoyed at who I was when I was 20. A lot of what I wrote back then reads as so snotty & over-priviledged to me now. Maybe I am being too critical or maybe I am judging myself accurately. It'll take a few more years removed from that & from who I am now to really decide which one is accurate. I have to say, if my journal back then is a true reflection of what I was back then, I'm not surprised I have so few friends.

This is a simple example but it demonstrates the difference between me at 20 & me at almost 25 very well. I was scandalized when I first heard some 50-cent song "Just a lil bit" a few years ago - it had some lyric about someone taking their pants off a lil bit & I thought that was very inappropriate. Now though, I really just don't give it much thought. I've probably danced to that song in some club somewhere and had a good time doing it.

It isn't really aging that has brought so much change to me. Living in the Caribbean, away from parents and away from old parental expectations pretty much brought out the best and worst in my personality. I think I am on the road to learning how to just be honest, which is what I value over anything else. But on the other side, I have done things and seen things that I know my parents, religion and society wouldn't see as acceptable. I think at the end of the day, it is just me becoming a more mature human being & growing up to be who I am. Islam is still obviously a big part of me - but I am unfortunately not perfect and I was not perfect at 20 either.

If I really think about it, I don't do anything now that I did not do at 20 (a few exceptions here and there). For the most part though, the biggest difference is what I was willing to do behind closed doors at 20, I do in the open now. It is because I've realized that Allah will judge me for what I do no matter where I do it. No one else really has the right to judge me. & in that same token, I don't really bother judging anyone else either. Adults have the right to make their own choices and then deal with the consequences in front of Allah.

I don't doubt that in another few years, I'm going to look back at who I am now & be embarassed about the things I've seen & laughed about. I am not sure who reads this journal anymore so I am going to make private posts about some of the more illicit things I've seen recently (RE: Penlight story).

I guess the best I can really do is try to be as honest as possible with myself & everyone else around me. Cut out the BS & just be a real person. I've stopped considering myself a girl anymore. I am a woman and I take responsibilty for my own actions.

I've been trying to sell my Logan lease so that I can move down to SLC for this semester. I posted this ad in craig's list: 

Hi, I used to go to school @ Utah State University. I've started attending University of Utah this semester. I need to sell my contract for a shared, furnished room with 5 other girls - Location is on the corner of: 700 N, 600 E - VERY close to bus-stop! It's also only about a 6min walk-up to USU.

Girls are great roommates - a couple of Indian girls & a couple of mormon girls - all lovely :). None of them drink/smoke.

Rent is only $150.00/month - the CHEAPEST IN LOGAN!! :)

Please email me @ person5757@hotmail.com if you're interested

Let me just say before I mention anything else that the Logan apt I lived in was like every other college dorm. It's sort of broken down, 6 girls essentially share ONE toilet (so much FUN!! in the morning) & it's like living in a fishbowl. Privacy is a luxury no one has. This isn't the sort of place anyone with a lot of cash is going to want to stay in. Students like living there 'cus the rent is $150.00 a month. So I was surprised when I got this email from a Folami Olatandu as a reply to the advertisement I posted. I've highlighted all the weird stuff I found (Feel free to point out weird stuff you see too! We can make a game of it!) :

Hey,
I am writing just to confirm if you still have the room for rent..............If YES Please I will like to have answers to the following questions below:
1) I will like to have the description of the room, size, and the equipments in there.
2) I will like to have the rent fee per month plus the utilities.
3) Also I will like to know if there is any garage or parking space cos I will have my own car come over.
5) I will also like to know if I can make an advance payment ahead my arrival that will be stand as a kind of commitment that I am truely coming over and for you to hold the room down for me.
6) If the ..5 questions is YES, I will like to know the total cost for the my initial move as in first month rent and if you accept deposit.
7) I will like to know the major intersection nearest your neighborhood. like shopping mall, bus line e.t.c
8) Lastly, I will like to know more about you and also I will like to have your pics as for
me to know how my roommate to be looks like.
I will be very glad to have all this questions answered with out leaving a stone unturned...
Here is all I can say about my self for now.
I am young lady of years of age and I work full time,, Monday through Friday and have weekends off expect for once a month. I was born in Ft. Worth, Texas, but I was brought up in United Kingdom. I moved to United Kingdom 10 years ago after the death of my father, one of my cousin who live and work in United Kingdom took me there for my studies since my mother cannot take care of me after my father's demise .I work in a retirement home as the Activity Director. I am not really a sports person,, BUT I do love basketball Games. I am a VERY out going person and fun to be with. I do play the organ and piano,, and I do have BOTH piano and organ here at my house. I am not a drinker and I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. I think you will like living here and YES I would like to go
out with you on weekends and weeknights when we are both free. I like going to movies,, concerts ,, plays, ,I like camping, hiking, bike ridding, swimming, and I love to travel.
I am a very dedicated individual who is totally committed to human development, friendly, very trustworthy and value relationship above anything. I love travelling, sporting and enjoy meeting people around the world .I am an easy going person and like to have an apartment/roommate who is very responsible and understanding, someone I can really get along with.
I am presently in England and I will be moving to the state to fully to start a new life and get my own business after 5years of service for the retirement home in United Kingdom.... I will be staying in your apartment for about 5months or More.
Fortunately, I saw your advert and I am sincerely interested in the room as advertised ...
I need answers to my 8 questions above as soon as possible so as to arrange for you to get the
money prior for my arrival as the company I worked for before I quit wants to arrnage for the payment. As I will like to make an advance payment ahead my arrival so that you can be rest assured that this is real since I am not in the state presently.
If you think I will be a good roommate to you and you are interested in roomie with me kindly email me directly to my private email box at folami12345@yahoo.com .Because am not a pay member

Pls note this,
give the total cost to be send to you,
Your full name and address + phone number
All this will be need to send you the payment as soon as possible
the payment will be send to you in form of cashier check or money order via UPS or FEDEX.

Thanks and have a good time.
Folami Regards, 

Ok - just as a starter: isn't it weird that a person who can have their car SHIPPED from the UK would want to room with a bunch of college girls? With what that'll cost, they can just buy their own MANSION in Logan. Also, not ONCE in the entire email did this person mention that it was Logan, UTAH she was moving to - it's always "I'm coming to the States!" - tip off? & what does she NEED my picture for? & why tell me her entire life-story? & who is willing to make an advanced payment on a house they've never seen - I did a little research & turns out there's an rent scam going around right now:

The scammer asks the renter for her address/phone-#/full-name - then the scammer mails a check with an amount greater than the rent actually is. So if the rent is $1200 for a 6month stay, then the scammer mails out a $2000 check. The renter deposits the check & the check clears - then the scammer asks for the extra $800 back. The renter sends back $800 - two weeks later the check bounces 'cus it was fraudulent & fraudulent checks don't get caught for about 2wks. Now, the renter's lost $800 to the scammer & no way to get it back :(.

From this page: http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cach…

Ding, ding, ding!

So how does this scam work? Taken from this page on cheque (check) over-payment scam, the target arranges a cheque for the victim. The victim deposits it, it appears in the victim's account whereupon they're pressured into providing the difference. Inevitably the cheque will later bounce.

I did send out a reply back, JUST IN CASE this Folami person isn't just a scammer but an odd soul who doesn't understand any of the curtisies on the net. 

Hi Folami:)

1. Room size: well, it's a good-sized room - comes with a bed, shelves above the bed a dresser & a closet. You'll share the room with one other girl - she's really great - private rooms are a bit more expensive @ $270/month. It has two windows, is carpeted & get LOTS & LOTS of light during the day. You'll also have access to the living room & kitchen - kitchen already has microwave & fridge & dining table so no need to worry about that - also, there are LOTS & LOTS of dishes so you won't have to really worry too much about that either. When I say "Fully furnished" I mean "Fully furnished" - the only things you REALLY need to be concerned about bringing over are things like your clothes, your bedsheets, toiletries, food, etc.

2. Rent: $150/month - utilities are about: $30/month during winter & almost nothing during the summer. I lived in the apt for about 6 months & paid probably about $100 total in utilities so it's really not too hideous.

3. There is no garage but there is open parking available basically right outside the door.

4. There was no question :P

5. You can definitely make arrangements with Mark (our Landlord) about when you can move in. I want to have someone buy the contract as soon as possible, so I hope you're coming soon!

6. Deposit is 1 month's rent: $150 & first month's rent is $150 - so you'll have to pay $300.00 to move in.

7. The bus-stop is seriously like a 30second walk from the house - shopping malls aren't too far off - I used to walk down to the grocery store in about 15min during the summer but it's cold during the winter. Buses run about every 1/2hr so it's not really that inconvenient getting around. Plus, buses are absolutely free! (I love small towns for things like that)

8. Well, I actually won't be your roommate 'cus I'll be moving out. You'll be buying the contract I signed for if you decide to come stay @ the apt. I used to go to school @ Utah State University  in Logan & now I'm going to school @ University of Utah in Salt Lake City.

You'll be living with 5 other girls though. Unfortunately, my current living situation doesn't really leave a lot of access to pictures so I can't send any over :(. Two of your roommates will be Mormom - actually a lot of Logan is Mormon (the most common religion in Utah). The girl you'll be sharing the room with is Indian & the two other roommates are also Indian. As for myself, I'm from Bangladesh. I won't be up much in Logan 'cus I'm moving down to SLC. But if you're down in SLC & would like to hang out, that'd be cool:).

The other girls are generally laid back & cute to hang out with - we used to do a lot of movie nights @ home (one of our roommates works really late hours so it's hard to get out with her). Anyway, if you decide to move into the house, I'm sure you'll enjoy their company as much as I did.

About the financial aspect - I really am sort of living out of a suitcase right now so I don't have a proper address to give you. Email is really the best way to reach me. And I think instead of sending me the checks, you ought to send them over to our landlord so that it can be a direct transaction between you guys - I don't have his address right now but if you think that's an acceptable way for you to do it, please let me know & I'll look it up & email it to you straight away. :). I'll also let you know his phone # within tomorrow :).

Okay - well, goodluck with your move to the states !!:) Let me know if I can answer anything else!

So I was pretty careful not to actually tell her my address, my phone # or send pictures (just in case this isn't a rent scam but an identity theft issue). I wonder if she can do anything with my name (which is unfortunately in my email address or which school I go to).

I've got Trouton's rules to keep me occupied right now & class tomorrow @ 8:35 in the morning but it's IMPOSSIBLE @ the moment to concentrate on school.

Instead, I think I'm going to write about my friends who fit into the category: of this song: "Suddenly I see" by KT Tunstall. I guess mostly girls read this journal & I doubt there's a single girl on the planet who hasn't seen "Devil Wears Prada" (which I somehow watched for like the 15th time today - HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? I say to myself everytime I finish watching that movie: "This is the last time! I'm not watching "Devil Wears Prada" any more after this!" & inevitably, a couple of weeks later, I sit down in front of the TV when some girl around me is watching it & I'll be there for the entire 2hrs watching Anne Hatheway squirm under Meryl Streep's evil thumb).

Anyway, if you're the one girl on the entire planet who's been hiding under a rock & hasn't seen "Devil Wears Prada" yet, it starts off with a song called: "Suddenly I see" which goes along the lines of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYx…

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

Anyway, after listening to this song I got to thinking about which of the girls I know really fall into that category. I think to start with I should explain that you can't know a person too well or else they lose this "Perfect Princess" appeal the song tries to communicate as you get to see them more & more in their normal habitat - they become too human.

The girl who this song would be written about would have to be physically-beautiful, witty & never the sort of girl who is ever desperate or losing control & who NEVER tries too hard/is some kind of attention-whore - she doesn't have to TRY to get attention: she just gets it. A lot of why "everything around her is a silver pool of light" has to do with her attitude towards life & toward people. She's never willing to go farther than her own limits (whatever they may be), whoever pushing the limits further might please. It's hard not to respect her.

I think the most important line of that song is: "She holds you captivated in her palm" & doing that can be hard. I've only met a couple of girls who've managed to hold me captivated in their palms (sisters excluded from this short-list because they've just had it too easy). I think to hold people captivated in your palms, you have to have a level of friendliness but not thrust yourself in their face @ all times & make them seek you out.

I thought I'd want to list down all the girls I know who'd fall into these categories. But that somehow seems unfriendly & retarded to me - & more than a little bit incomplete 'cus that list changes.

Last weekend, I sat around eating chicken on two pillows thrown on the cement floor of my empty & clean apartment, with only the television around. I was so happy!! The only thing that could've made me happier would've been a full-length mirror with Winona Ryder's image reflected back everytime I looked at it.

Unfortunately, it can't last. I had to give up my apartment in SLC :(, which means I'm either stuck in Logan on weekends (oh please, Allah, I love you so much... help me... :(). It'd be great if I lived alone but there are people EVERYWHERE!! And they expect ATTENTION!!!

Yosra & I ocassionally take what we like to refer to as our personal chauffer service home. The rest of society seems to think it's Campus Security but they're obviously mistaken. But the general function of this "campus security" (hehe... yeah right) is to escort us back home on nights when we don't feel like walking home.

Anyway, last night, on my way back home from a party, I call up to ask for a ride. In a relatively short amount of time, the driver shows up in one of those cute little cars. He picked me up last week on one of my crusty days. I hop in. A couple of minutes into the drive, he turns to me & looks @ me for a long minute.

Driver: "Did I pick you up last week?"
Me: "Yes, :)"
Driver: "Wow! I didn't even RECOGNIZE you! You look great!"

How do you respond to this? I know I'm a crusty bang most of the time & I know that having snot all over my face doesn't help anything. But honestly, do I look THAT bad most of the time that if I just put my hair down, apply a little moisturizer & put in contact lenses, I'm suddenly a different person? :( This doesn't bode well for my self- esteem.

I realize I've become one of "those girls". You know, the ones who cry at every little thing. If you haven't met any of them before, let me demonstrate what I mean:

A couple of days ago, I was watching the Olympics Women's Figure Skating Free Skate event. In general, the event wasn't going too well with most girls falling out of their jumps. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional at the moment and didn't think I was in danger of crying my eyes out over a Womens' Skating event. However, the minute Sasha Cohen fell on her first jump, I burst into tears. Things only got worse when Shizuka Arakawa completed triple-loop/double-toe combination.

I wish this were an anomally but nowadays, my tears are very common. I cry when I remember my mother. I'm I cry when Venus Williams does well in her tennis competitions. I cry during Pride and Prejudice when Keira Knightley tells Colin Firth that he's the last man she'd ever consider marrying. I cry when I figure out the Claisen Condensation reaction well enough to understand how fatty-acid chain elongation occurs. I can barely hold back the tears when I see deer standing at the side of the road when going from my house to school (yes, I live in a town where you regularly see deer on the side of the streets). I cry when I'm sitting in my room staring at the wall.

This is very confusing to people around me, who have been blessed with control over their tear ducts. Let me announce it right here: I'm probably not really upset just because I'm crying.

It's so annoying coming off as an emotional wreck even when I'm feeling fine :(.

I was looking at pictures from Star Wars and they're SUCH A PRETTY COUPLE!! OMG!! They should totally get married and have little children :). It'll be great! I think I'm in love with Hayden Christiansen :)!! SO PRETTY!! And that boy can pout:).

1. PARENTS WHO COOK FOR YOU!! I don't mind giving up my Saturdays to scrub the floors and the bathrooms clean so long as I can have warm meals every night!!:) I don't even need it more than once a day! I don't care WHAT it is (so long as it's some kind of meat - I'm not the one suffering from constipation).

2. PARENTS WHO OWN CARS AND CAN DRIVE YOU AROUND!! Public transportation and walking is great for the environment and probably the shape of my (currently) super-toned body but it's gosh-darn annoying!! It takes freaking FOREVER to get anywhere + you can't go anywhere at night 'cus I'm deathly afraid of the cold!

3. It's WARM - CONSTANTLY!! Even when it's cold it's warm! and for a person such as myself who can feel her innards shivering at the mere mention of snow, this is a HUGE thing!! I don't want snow! I WANT SANDY BEACHES AND WARMTH!!

4. Several random people walked up to me and called me pretty. I will swallow the need to strut and just say: MY EGO GOT TO BE THE SIZE OF A ROOM AFTER THIS HAPPENED SEVERAL TIMES AND I LIKED IT THAT WAY!! (Friends are usually either being kind or want you stop asking if you look hot in one shirt or another or both)

5. I feel tall, CONSTANTLY!! Even my meger 5'8 is quite the height in Miami :). In Salt Lake City, I fall into the average category and Nasheed doesn't like feeling short, darn it!!