still here. still kind of heartbroken wondering what the hell went wrong, or if it was just a big wrong lie to begin with. i'm doing open mics, playing in a cover band, working, and just hanging out until further notice. i'm gonna attempt the fast thing again, i think. i'm gonna do a liquid fast. i think i might transition into it slowly with organic soups (pacific brand), tea, juice, water, etc. when? i don't know. the sooner the better. i'm starting to revert back to old habits. i should be back in AK by the 23rd of dec. right in time for xmas. ready to see everyone. i've been having dreams lately that involve people from home. i had a dream that brian keith was in last night. lol, it was kind of funny... it's time to hit the open mic downtown. gotta go.
looks like i'm going home for christmas if i can pull the right strings. then straight from AK, it's off to miami. yay for sun and a new adventure. boo for spanish being the primary language. guess that means i have to expand my horizons and learn a little more (but it's all part of the adventure, i suppose). i at least need to know how to order mashed plantains for breakfast every so often from the puerto rican joints.
i'm looking forward to going home. i'm pretty excited about seeing friends and enjoying the company of certain loved ones. ;) (nothin'...)
my adventure in detoxing is going alright. it could be going better, and i guess i'm the only one with the power to make it better. setbacks are expected. i'm still going to try to make it through the month, and even improve (fight temptation).
well, i have to be honest. i don't think many people read this, so i don't mind really expressing it here. i'm just kind of lonely. my heart is getting hard, and i dont think i'll ever feel light on my feet in love again. i've become too cynical. the world and the people in it will open your inexperienced eyes and your lust for life and love may end up tainted or even destroyed, and sometimes it stays with you. it makes me think of that quote "love like you've never been hurt" and i realize how important it is to remember that at a point in your life. people lose trust for one another in general. the world will show you things, but i think we have to learn from that but let go of the cynicism that can come with it. it can make for unpleasant, unfair relationships, and in general, an unpleasant person to be, and/or be around.
i gotta get to work. for anyone who read this, love softly.
well, i HAD a meeting with a director for an upcoming local independant film today, but it must be stand-up-paris month. every fucking time. at least he let me know. literally every appointment i've had with people has been cancelled, postponed, whatever, since i got here. how fucking hard is it to set a date and keep a date? this is kind of frustrating.
well, i actually got into myspace. you can find me at www.myspace.com/slouchingoak pretty much for networking. i'm avoiding interpersonal relationships like the plague at this point. meeting people looking for talent in the boise area for which i fit the profile, as well as people to collaberate with musically. i suppose it'd be healthy to find some friends. but internet is as far as i'm going. i don't really have much to say. my brother suggests i go home for xmas. it would be great to see family. i miss my mom, dad, and sister. i really miss the munchkins (chelino and victoria). i would love love love to see, lisa and connor, and definitly ben. i just don't know if i can pull it off financially. besides, my mom's planning on coming in a couple weeks or so. it would be a good time to come up to kill multiple birds though. lots of people in one spot. plus maybe seeing sparks and fair. i just dont think i could afford the time off work. anyway, i'm tired of blogging.
well, i was ditched. stood up. i was supposed to get a call yesterday to celebrate halloween and meet people with this guy i met at the gym and nothing. i called him and left a message to just call me and tell me if he was still on or not, and not even the decency to call me tell me no. whatever. guys are dumb. :) i bought all that unnecessary halloween costume shit and makeup for nothing.
anyway, today i'm going to meet with people that responded to my ad at a music shop looking for people to jam with. they're older. like 40's and 50's, which is fine. they dig the eagles, fleetwood mac, etc. they are looking for a female vocalist, so that's nice. we'll see how it goes.
i guess the most eventful thing that happened lately was going to andrew, nic, and aaron's place the other night (fellas from work). it was only andrew and nic when i called, but to my surprise when i arrived an hour later, practically the whole crew from work was there. it was kind of fun hanging out with them. it beat sitting at home for a night. i talked to andrew more than i ever have before. he is really a sweet kid.
i should probably get going. gonna work out a little before i actually start my day.
got an interview at WinCo in about a half an hour. so what the hell am i doing still in my pjs at the computer? i don't know. anyway, i'm possibly going to halloween parties tomorrow with derek, the personal trainer from the gym (score!) so i gotta hit all the thrift stores for a costume. i was thinking either cowgirl, marine kinda thing, or biker kinda deal. or cher. not sure yet.
talked to dewayne yesterday. he really wants me to come down to miami, and if that doesn't pan out, new orleans. i think i would just stay here and maintain employment for a little while if the miami thing doesn't work out. pretty much the scoop on the miami deal is getting people to rent out their houses for the super bowl. some people are able to rent out their houses for upwards to 30K for a week! pretty amazing. so we drive all around town, put up little obnoxious signs, everyday, because lots of them get taken down, go around to people, and tell them all about this. there are only 80,000 hotel rooms, and 150,000 people coming to the superbowl. some people will pay boucoup bucks to rent out someones home, so that's what we do. promote that. he said if and when he gets to miami and gets settled, he's gonna send me a ticket. that'll be nice. don't have to worry about buying the ticket.
i think dewayne is really lonely. he doesn't have any family and most of his relationships are ended and fickle. i think he likes knowing that he's family to me and can always count on me. i think me being around will make him happy to know that this relationship is unconditional. i'm pretty excited to do this.
i got a membership to hollywood video yesterday and rented easy rider. right on, brother. i wanna be peter fonda. that's what it's all about, boys and girls. being free... and NOT getting brutally murdered. seeing places, meeting people, vagabonds, rebels without a cause.
it's been a long time since i've updated this journal. i've been on my other one most of the time. lots has happened in the last 7 months or so. i met an amazing person who thought i was amazing too, we fell in love, and he broke my heart (still not really over that yet).
we met in daytona, he got my name tattooed on his back, he went back home to washington, sold all his shit, and came back to be with me. so flattering. well, apparently that didn't mean much. he dropped me like a wireless call when i got to boise. now i'm depressed and heartbroken here in boise, gaining all the weight i worked so hard to lose with no friends.
today is the first day of the rest of my life.
i have a job here at a sports bar chain called the ram (originated in tacoma), as a sort of cook. i do the salads and desserts. i'm trying to get a job with the freight crew at a local grocery chain. something physical that will kind of get me in shape somewhat. i imagine it's pretty hardcore shit, loading and unloading trucks for 8 hours a day. rumor has it, the guys work 40+ come holidays. yikes. i'll come out of this next summer looking like hulk hogan, for god sakes. eh, works for me, i guess.
i'm trying to save all the money i can for a motorcycle, nothing really fancy, or fuck it. i might just go down to high desert harley and finance me an '07 dyna wide glide (eat your heart out, david, two can play that game). it might be all i have worth anything to my name, but by god, i'm gonna have me a harley.
speaking of harleys, i moseyed into a custom bike shop yesterday here in town and asked in a mouse of a voice:
"um, excuse me, but, um, i'm relatively new in town and was just passing by, and wanted to know if maybe you guys could maybe use some help around here. i'm saving my pennies for workshops on the east coast, and wanted to learn a thing or two before i go."
he looked at me as if saying: "aw, christ. that's the cutest thing i've heard all day. now get the fuck out of my shop."
but he actually said they didn't do that kind of thing anymore, to check with other local shops. he also asked if it was wyotech that i was looking at for school. i said no, i had never heard of that, but when i got home did more research. sounds like a pretty interesting place. all the locations for bikes are in daytona. bmw, ducati, HD, etc. it's an actual school, not just a workshop, so i can maybe get my mom to help me out a little financially, and my brother to kind of help me out with paperwork and financial aid. this might be the direction i'm headed.
in about an hour i gotta head across town and check out the headshots i did with craze and pick out what i want.
god i've gotten so fat!! hope cali doesnt really notice.
kay, gotta go now, to my friends who may have read this, hope all is well, and hang in there.
i was actually entertaining the thought of going back to high school and finishing out my senior year with the class of '07 (which is way cooler than my class of '06. they're all flippin' idiots w/ the exception of a select few). as much as i've grown in the past few months and as much as i've had to endure, it'd be nice to kind of set my mind on auto-pilot and feel like i'm doing something worthwhile in the meantime. graduating high school, walking with my class (or somebody's class) would really mean a lot to me. i think i'd have a lot of fun with this last year. it'd be easy! graduate with sasha, craig, all them, would be awesome. all my friends were either a year or two older than me, or a year younger. none, really, in my class. i'd be a lot more confident with myself, not worrying about what people think. what do i have to prove to those twits anyway? i've got more experience under my belt, been through enough to be happy with myself as an individual and not care what anyone else thinks. i've learned to think for myself as an adult.
ok, i'm already getting kind of bored of writing.
i went to the gym with aubrey and have been getting to know her. we went to denny's afterward, then walmart to drop off some film, then to borders for like 3 hours! i got some books (the perks of being a wallflower, haven't read it since freshman year, it's probably lost it's shock factor, but nonetheless, i want it in my personal library, and it was on clearance, and wasted: memoirs of anorexia and bulimia). took a look at some of the music, wish i could have scanned the cds and listened, but there seems to be nowhere in this godforsaken state that has the little scanner thingy like fred meyer. dumb dumb dumb. then we went to publix and practically stripped all our clothes to weigh in. lol. it started with, "i'm gonna take off my shoes." to i'm gonna take off my shirt. i do have a sports bra on." we got some strange looks. might as well have gone in with towels wrapped around us.
then we went to blockbuster and she got a movie. now that i know she frequently watches movies, i'll have to invite her to my room sometime for wine and a movie (sounds almost like a date. that's why i'm hesitant about asking. she'd probably think i was hitting on her, or maybe i'm just paranoid). lol
dave will be in orlando at midnight. aubrey and i are going to pick him up tonight. i'm so excited!! *shit-eatin' grin/excited giggles* woohoo! he just left from portland to georgia, has a layover in ga, and will be here shortly after. :) :) :) :)
so today aub and i will go to the gym and i need to do some grocery shopping. still have to clean my bathroom. i'm gonna take a break and read for a while until she shows up. haven't seen her in a while. take care everyone.
hopeful
blah