Paula Lefleur Lim Gholar

Cousin, I don't get paid enough to give a fuck about the US or the West.  Rlly, I don't.

I'm in the Philippines and I plan to stay in the East for a long time.  We don't have your problems and nonsense.

So just about a month left before the flight back to NYC.  I told the Universe that I do not want to board that flight.  I need to make progress here.

It's terrible that the West has problems and such.  But many of them are you're own doing.

~Paula L.L. Gholar

Well, I do like the vintage photos of Filipinas and the Philippines that Pinterest had been showing me.

I'm not being too responsive these days.

The 20 girls about are 'Cousins.'

I had been hoping for an 'estate' in the Philippines.  I was thinking either a private island, Cavite or Quiapo, or in the Visayas.

My entire extended family, including the 20 other cousins and their families, would all come by and visit me at my estate.  I will do what I can for my younger cousins, seniors in my family, my nieces, my nephews and grand-nieces and grand-nephews.

I really don't have to provide much financial assistance to my extended family, because Zernas and Concepcións, in general are talented and industrious.  They all have good-paying jobs and can do their own thing.  They don't need hand-outs.  They know how to thrive.  And they work.

I think, depending on what I will be doing incognito, I'll consider at least some of my gifted nieces and nephews to be part of what I do.

It is a family affair... and yes, my family will be involved, including the 20.  I consider my Tito Alfonso, Tita Dading, Tita Lis, Tita Charito and Tita Claudita and Tita Berna as heads of our family.  They pretty much will decide what's best for our entire family.

My family isn't poor.  We aren't filthy rich.  But many have quite good jobs.  And if you think I'm something to look at, you haven't met my family.  They are incredible.

Paula L.L. Gholar

So I just wanted to say that when my brother and I were watching Wick 2, Arianna responded to seeing and hearing his pitbull.  For the entire duration of the film, Arianna was resting, sprawled out before the laptop and me and my brother.  It was so cute.

~Paula L.L. Gholar

Keanu is asleep.  I'm going to bathe and then watch his films — Bill & Ted 3 and John Wick 2.  Since he's asleep.  I'll make up for using illegal copies by giving away cash here in the Phils.  I only have 200 pesos to my name though, which is less than 4 dollars.  ahahahahahahaha.  I am poor, Cousin.

Yah, just 157 communities.  I could have made 2 more, but I don't think it's necessary.  Besides trinitythomas is pretty fierce.  Perhaps the colors aren't what it should be.  I'll think about it as I watch more Keanu films.  I won't download anymore.  I had asked my brother to also find Henry's Crime and Man of Tai Chi.  But then I felt that's too much.  It's criminal to get bootleg copies.

Taurus.  She talking to me now.  Does she also have the same artistic aspirations as me.  Cute.  hehehehehehehehehe

Taurus... Love me.  Don't secretly despise me.  *huff*

Have a good day, Cousin.

TTYL.

~Paula L. L. Gholar

I need to bathe soon.  I'm hungry.  Gonna scrounge for food.

Taking a break offline.

I made a few mistakes lately 

1. Yelling at whoever represents Brandy or Toni Braxton.
2. Touching myself.
3. Yelling at Keanu and being b*tchy about it.
4. Grappling with negative thoughts.

I'm not perfect.  I need Jesus.  I so do.

TTYL, Cousin

~Paula L.L. Gholar

Perhaps I presume too much to say WE are lions.  THEY are lions, Cousin.

I'm just a toothless Caregiver who serves the Good Lord Almighty.  I'm in a decent mood these days.  Maybe it's because I have a puppy to care for now.  Arianna is asleep at my feet.  Her Mama and her Tito Cesar went to Dumaguete to eat and bring back Hawaiian Pizza for me and Kris.  hehehhehhehehe.

I always give Arianna treats when she comes back inside.

I'm really just a caregiver, Cousin.  I'm not too sure what the future holds for me and my family, but I do hope I don't have to return to NYC.  I prefer being in Amlan, Philippines, especially on the beach and listening to the Ocean all day and night.

I just wanted to address my younger cousin Ivanna.  Inday, you should seriously consider marrying your college sweetheart soon.  Don't just 'live in' together.  Actually Casal (marry).  I encourage 'Marriage/Partnership' and not just 'living together'.

A stray came up to the front porch.  Arianna was fast asleep and didn't notice him until now.  He's just a pup and needs food.  He left just now.  Arianna is checking it out.

~Paula L.L. Gholar

Cousin, Sandy, Carrie-Anne, Jennifer Connelly, Alexandra Grant ... I would never assume that they are lessors... it's pretty much directed at Colorado and those like her... copycats... 

WE are lions and THEY are Copycats, Cousin.

And I would never assume that Brandy or Toni Braxton is maligning my good name... it's their rabid dogs that try to malign me.

~Paula L.L. Gholar

Keanu keeps encouraging me to either do more 'action' or to get 'angry.'

I'm not angry, Cousin.  I rarely get angry.  I try to be objective about everything, including my own life that is pretty much in shambles.  But I can laugh about it, Cousin.

I don't mind that Keanu is seeing many other beautiful women.  A number of those women are his good friends who have been with him since the 90s or so.  Even the paramour Alexandra has been his friend for about two decades.

I'm not angry, Cousin.  Infidelity is a symptom of a larger problem.  Usually lack of communication and grappling difficult personal issues.  

But I'm just 'spiritually' dating Keanu.  I've never met him.  And what he chooses to do with his time is not my business.

For many months now, Cousin, I had been angry with a Sister or Sisters, especially Colorado.  She drives me nuts, Cousin.  I get angry at her or them more than Keanu.  I get angry with my Sister(s) than Keanu.  

I get angry because they behave foolishly.  And if you want to be my sister, then  love me... don't secretly hate me.

~Paula L.L. Gholar

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest, my day is a 3/4.  Not a good day for me, Cousin.  I struggle with negative thoughts, Cousin.  It used to be much worse.  In my mind I hear ethnic slurs like N-, and K-, sometimes G-, and I hope you die, you're a C-t, You're a B-.  It's non-stop negative commentary in my mind, Cousin.  And it was pretty bad today.  I can't stand it, Cousin.  It's usually bad in NYC.  Here, not as bad.  Sometimes.  Like today.  I also hear Die, C-t.  Die B-.  I hope you die.  You fat f-.  It's terrible, Cousin.

It's like part of my soul is broken and all this sewage is leaking into it.  It's nasty sewage, Cousin.  I think to myself... am I thinking this... or is someone doing some kind of evil stuff on me.

I miss being a teen and never having a negative thought or idea.  I was so sweet back then.  Now... at 50... I have brilliant thoughts and in between those thoughts is disgusting, nasty sewage.

Please understand that I don't mean to be like this.  I struggle with this for a long time.  At least two or three years now.  If I'm quiet sometimes, it's because the sewage in my head is loud.

~Paula L.L. Gholar

I scrapped the post I was writing this afternoon, Cousin.  Another day perhaps.

I was in a solemn, silent mood for most of the afternoon and evening.  Just ruminating and silent.

I get like that now and then.  Solemn and glum.

I do hope that in the not so distant future that I can reconnect with my entire extended family and good friends — old and new.  I'm not sure if I'll ever have a fb again, Cousin.  

I need to brush up on my English.  I keep using the word 'very' too often.  Perhaps I should start reading classic lit again.  Dunno.  At least my bisaya and tagalog are improving here.  heh  But I have noticed my grasp of the English language has been deteriorating.  heh

I like the Filipino actor/luminary Vice Ganda.  He is brilliant in speaking tagalog.  He speaks tagalog like poetry or Old English.  Brilliant.

My nephew Wing Wing is coming by Thursday.  We're gonna jam on the electric keyboard again.  He's a great kid.  heh

Yah, my English is deteriorating.  heh

I'm just a caregiver and currently I give care to my brother and Letty's puppy Arianna. hmm...