He's beautiful. That's what I always told him. He didn't know why. I think it was because his soul is beautiful. It's so bright and full of hope. He sees the world we should have and holds hope for it. He believes in spite of himself. Cynicism hasn't dampened his optimism. Though, I think he is measured with it. Careful. He wants a better world, but it hurts him that it isn't that. He tries to make a difference in his own ways. Interjecting with people on social media. I know, it's not the best method, but even the first internet generation is much the same way. We try to make the world better, or think we can, by opening the eyes of others. At least we hope we can. He believes. He tries. Ornery at times. But that's what's so cute about him. He is ornery yet hopeful. Bright and exuberant. Overflowing with life. His sleep issues means he fades in and out of waking, trying to fight off the tiredness to do more. He wants to do things with his life. I know it. He just doesn't know quite how.
I wanted to be there for him to help him find out. To support and encourage. I found joy in giving him these things. His wish for a future made me wish again. It made me dream.
So it's this beauty that makes me question everything. Myself. My worth. It couldn't be him. It has to be me. Someone so vibrant and good couldn't possibly do something like he's done without reason. He couldn't bring such harm without it having just cause. Some cause. Something. I begin to blame myself. It must have to do with me, I think. I must have been too intense, too enthusiastic about love. Too sure of things. Did I overwhelm? Did I scare him with my commitment and certainty? I was sure, too. I'd never felt so sure of anything in my life. I didn't mean to come on too strong if I did. Of course, it could just be my trying to rationalize. To make sense of things. I wonder if there's any explanation I can find. I mean, without him talking to me. I wish he'd talk to me. Couldn't he tell me what's going on? What's happened? Again, I'm left wondering at my value. I can't question his. I know his worth. He's light. Does that make me something less? Did I warrant this? No matter his reasons, I can't come to terms. There's dissonance that won't relent. The person I know couldn't do this. Yet he has. If he has, then it must be due to something. Without answers, I'm left spiraling with this line of thought. What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Am I unworthy? How could I have ever thought I was? The person I care for most in this world surely can't be at fault. It doesn't mesh. It must be me. So I go...
I realized this today. It's a difficult thought. Even knowing it, I can't come to grips with it all. I continue to spiral. He is this person I cherish. I will probably always cherish him. I see him as human, and flawed, yes. But I also see all his beauty. I suppose I never thought I was worthy. This has just reminded me of it. "You never deserved him." The thought repeats.
I miss him. Having him in my life. When I thought I might lose him if I didn't finally admit to my feelings, I told him. I declared my love and how I'd been trying to keep my defenses up. I apologized for that. Was it too late? He didn't seem to act like it was. I felt worried. I had almost lost the most amazing person, all on account of fear.
Now, I think further. Another realization came to mind yesterday. Two in one day. It's something that had been trying to pull together in my mind but didn't fully formulate until I was driving to get my tires checked. Winter errands. Low pressure light. These things we do. It occurred to me that it's not up to me. Wanting is not the same as getting. First, I had to realize that whatever his reasons, I can't control those. I may not be able to come to terms with what's happened, how he could do what he has, but there's more to it. I can't force matters. Even if I don't understand, I have to accept it. To continue on. I don't know how, but I need to. So that I can continue on. Because right now I'm not. Not really. I just go through the motions. Some days are worse than others. I'm barely managing. I've never been so sad in my life.
So there is this. I cannot know why he's done what he's done. Nor can I do anything to try to resolve it. I can't lead him back to me. It's for him to decide. Absence might make the heart grow fonder. I hope it's possible. I hope it will. I have to believe it might come true. I have to believe in him. I still do. You know? I told him I'd never give up on him. I have such faith in this kitten. God help me. I wish I knew what to do. Why I felt so much for him. He has no right to be wrapped around my heart so tightly. I can barely breath without him. Yet, I must. A friend told me I must go on. I must take care of myself. If not just for myself, or the people who care for me, then for him. So that I'll be here if he does decide to open himself back up to me. I hate being shut out. I miss him. I keep saying that. I'll wake myself up sometimes saying I miss him. It's strange. Surreal. Haunting. I never knew I could feel this way. I think about him, and I close my eyes, and I just feel ... have you ever known anyone who could make your whole being feel like it's lit up? Before, when he was still in my life, I remember. The concept of soul bonds comes to mind. I would close my eyes thinking of him. There's no better feeling. Nothing I can compare it to. Pure joy. I work on an intellectual and emotional level. That's how I connect. It's how I connect to people, form friendships, and especially fall in love. Demisexuality is different. I didn't know there was a term for it until a few years back. It fits. I fall in love with the person. Though, now, I think I've imprinted. The person I think of, the ideal I imagine, is him. I can't even imagine anyone else in that way. After you've felt someone resonate so with you, nothing can compare. It feels like a violation to even entertain thoughts of another. I just want to close my eyes and feel my soul with his. To feel the unity. Love. Was that what scared him? I think he felt it. I almost know he did. There were times...
We dreamed together. I'd do anything I could to help him in life. I want to be there for him. I had ideas, ways I thought he could move forward. I would be there to support him. I'd take care of him and help him. I know he fears his inability to overcome his sleepiness. His demons that even I don't know. But I would shoulder them all for him if he'd let me. I think for me it gives me purpose. If someone is there with me in life, well, isn't that the purpose? Is that what we exist for? At least, it seems my purpose. To love. To care. To share an existence so that it's more than just that. So that it's living. Having someone to go through life with makes it all worthwhile. That's what I'm here for. It gives me a reason to face all the hardships of this world. It makes them somehow seem less harsh. More endurable. And I'm emboldened by the bond I share. Strengthened for the sake of helping another. I may not be as bold or willing to strive, to face challenges for myself. On my own. But with someone else there, to be there for them, for their benefit, I can strive. I want to. I wanted to do all this for him. To give him a future. To help his dreams come true. And, in doing so, I'd help my dreams come true. I still say he is my dream. By helping him, even thinking about it, I felt invigorated. Hopeful. It was like he brought new life to me. I could try to make up for what I'd failed to achieve in life. I could overcome. I could still experience all the things I wished to. He made me believe.
I believe in you, kitten. I always will. My greatest dream is to have you come through the other side of whatever you're going through, and find me there. I'll be waiting. Perhaps I just have to hold on. I can try to be patient. Don't give up on me either. I'll hold on for you. Because you're worth it. And, it goes without saying that I'll forgive you. All this pain is difficult, but I forgive. Because love is unconditional. I can't stop loving you. Or hold anything against you. I want to understand. But I also want you to be alright. First and foremost, that is what matters. I hope you'll get through this. And I hope to see you.
I don't know if this is a journal entry or an open letter. Perhaps it's both.
Be well, little snep. Close your eyes and feel safe. For I can be your sun as you are mine. Remember, you cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done. You are strong. And you are not alone. I'll be here. If you ever need anything, I remain.
thoughtful
depressed