well shit. after posting my last post i dedcided to check to see what my "friends" might have posted and lo and behold the first thing i see is carlotta drunk and giving me the finger. well she's giving the camera the finger...but if she knew i was looking at it shed probably say "yeah that;s for u assfuck." i cant force myself to be in you life in anymore carlotta and i accept that. i may try to call you or txt you but thats only cause i cant take it for that moment in time. but for the most part i'll try and stay out of your hair. hate me if it makes you happy. hate me with all your heart and then some cause it's a lot easier than what i'm goin through. peace
ugh...my mind, body, and soul are tired of stressin out about all the things i need to do...i know that if i were to take it slow and organize my thoughts...take time to take care of things one by one, it would reduce stress like a mother fucker. but the things is...i really dont have time to take it slow and steady with a lot of these things...i have court dates flyin at me from all over the calendar...the need to get a job is starting to overwhelm a lot of other aspects of my life...running out of time on the deadline to find a place to live...i dunno, i always post something about it, but it usually always says the same thing..."blah blah blah bitch moan emo help blah blah...fart" it might get annoying to the people who actually read this but it's one of the biggest things consuming my mind lately. constantly trying to sort it all out...having to change something around...worrying and double checking if i forgot or missed a court date...searching around seven hours a day or more for a place to live or stay...i've been sitting in front of this computer for like four or five hours now filling out appliactions, scouring craigs list for something that would help me, checking court dates, organizing and planning this next month, calculating how much money i'm gonna need to be able to get by ok for a couple of months...yawn...so tired...just need to finish this last application...why the fuck do online applications take so fuckin long? (i bet your thinking "cause you sit there and blog while you're doin it, 'tard!" i'm only typing like four sentences at a time whenever it needs to load the next page..so thbbt!)...good news of this week...sorry AWESOME news of this week: Carlotta decided to take me back. From what she said to me, she figures that she can trust me not to hurt her and that i actually do care about getting my life back on track. (i mean come on...i'm workin my mind and body to the brink of self-destruction to get things straight again) It's a huge relief for me to know that me and her are together again. i couldnt even go a day without thinking about her and us and breaking into tears at least once...i guess i'm just emo like that heh. (yay three more pages left of application out of 29! woot!) back to griping about applications...what the fuck do they expect you to say when they ask you stupid shit like "You've done your share of troublemaking. strongly agree, agree, disagree, or strongly disagree....please choose one." what the fuck?!? of course the people who are actually trying to get hired are gonna disagree to some degree whether its true or not! Honestly, why does it matter if i "can sense what others are feeling, even if they don't show it?" (i'm applying at GameCrazy right now by the way) but in normal day to day life, all i would be doing is sitting there, keeping shit clean and organized, helping customers find shit, and try and get said customers to buy more shit (preferrably expensive shit...commission and what not). sigh..i dont think i will ever understand the logic or excessiver retardation of the hiring committe of any company...ever. Alas, i have finished my last application for the evening...and the fuckin sun is comin out. methinks its time to get to bed and wake up for yet another day in the life of chris. thanks for listening to me bitch about shit. good night...or good morning...or whatever and all that jazz...snore...
salty tears and drops of blood run down my face...no i didnt cut my face...i cried so much my nose bled...i dont know if i can handle this...emoemoemo...i want to be with you more than anything in the universe...i want to hold you more than anyone could ever experience in their life...it hurts to think that i wont even hear your voice for a time unknown to us...i want nothing more than for this pain to end but fuck that...i'm not takin the easy way out...i will earn your love and make you proud to be my girlfriend once again...the man that i believe you deserve...the one that can make you happy and give you the things you desire in life...i will become that man even if it breaks my body and soul into a thousand unrecognizable pieces...my love for you will not be diminished by any frame of time nor space...my love drives me to be a better person...i swear to you with every fiber of my being that you will again one day look at me with the eyes of an infatuated girl and giddily tell your friends and family "that is my boyfriend, my love, my soulmate and my love"...this i promise you...a million times over i promise you we will be together again...please dont ever forget that...carlotta, i love you more than i can even bear to begin to understand...please dont give up on me...wait for me and you will not be disappointed.
i hope everything goes ok for you...if things get too stressful or hard for you i hope you would still know that you can call me and talk to me...i dont want us to have to not talk to each other like this...but if it makes things easier for you then i can deal with it. i love you and will always care about you...
lets see...what are all the thigns going on in my life right now...need to find a place to live...but to find a place to live i need rent money...but for rent money i need a job...but to get a job i need an address and more time...on top of that i need a car or transportation of some sort...i feel like i'm back to where i was before...i guess i AM back to where i was before though...well almost there...i'm tryin to do whatever i can to make sure i dont get to that point...i hate the way i am where i get stuck in a rut and dig myself a deeper hole by goin back to my old habits of smokin and hanging and smoking while hangin out an gettin high then gettin rolled (by the cops...none of that x shit)...and i know that its fuckin me over but it takes me losing that one important person for me to kick myself in the balls and get started on fixin my life again...i was on a roll earlier this year man...i was goin to court and probation and everything...now...i'm struggling organize it all and always checkin online to make sure there isnt a warrant on me because i may have accidentally missed a court date...i hate myself especially for not noticing what i was doing to our relationship...i mean i wasnt the only one who needed to work things out but i was the one with the most things to work out...i was stretching the line so thin that all it needed was one bad night to fuck it all up...and lo and behold thanks to my almighty fuck shit up skills i'm now fighting back against the fate that i laid for myself just so i can be with her again...maybe its wrong that i'm doing it all for her instead of me...no...i'm not doing it because i want her...i'm doing it cause i want us...my actions from so many occasions have only shown her that i dont care what happens to me which and thus dont care what happens to us...it hurts me to know that she believes that i dont care about us...i've always cared about us...there have been many times where i didnt care what happened to me but i never wanted us to not be apart...i wasnt thinking about what would happen to us...i wasnt thinking about how you would feel about my downward spiral...i was being selfish and stupid and it took you breaking up with me to realize it...i'm so sorry carlotta for doing the things i did and making the choices i made...i fucked up...again...i dont expect you to take me back or to forgive me...i just want you to know that i'm trying and more than just for you or for me...for a dream that we shared...if you're willing to take me back i promise you wont be disappointed in me...i love you so much carlotta...for always and ever
fuckin shit man...so much shit has been happening thats been pissing me the fuck off. court, home life, job shit, petty fuckin arguments with carlotta. i'm gettin tired of havin to watch every fuckin thing i do around her cause it might be something that she doesnt agree with but then she wont tell me it bothers her until it becomes a problem. then she fuckin explodes about it. people hae been telling me for a long ass time then i dont need to be dealing with it and shit. i'm kinda startin to wonder myself...but then again dont wanna just give up and throw it all away. i love her but there always seems to be a fuckin problem. maybe jsut right now is a bad time...fuck. i dont wanna admit it but i have those doubts still you know?
money money money everything is always about money. pay for court, pay for a car, pay for my license, pay for prom, pay for rent, pay for insurance...money is a device created by society to limit a persons accesibility to life. another regulation and restriction...
havent been on here in a long ass time...havent been on the computer for a while actually...well...i have the construction job still goin through and for now i have a weekend job doing...you'll never guess...wait for it...SIGN TWIRLING!!! yay!! not that theres anythign wrong with it...still gettin paid...getting a new car within the next two weeks...and i think this is the best part my dad is giving me his motorcycle for fucking FREE!!! all it needs is a shine up and new carburetor and it runs great! i'm getting my license back next week so yay i can drive legally again...then when i turn 21 i can get my motorcycle license without having to take the classes and shit...werd...yeah so i'm out of things to talk about...oh wait i'm moving out of hemet and still need a roommate(s) and shit anyone whos interested or knows anyone lemme know. holla! fo sheezy fo sho and some more gangsta junk niglets...
what do you do when the person that convinced you to quit drugs/quit drugs with you/your GF decides they want to start doin drugs again? Tell her she can't start doin drugs again and be a controllin douchebag? Start doing drugs yourself again along with her and completely disregard the efforts you both made for the past four months or so? Talk to her about it and find out why she wants to drug up her life again? I'll go with that one...answer: cause life is too hard and routine. I know that I personally quit cause i was tired of the lifestyle...doing the same damn thing everyday (try and get fucked up). I was strapped for cash cause i usually would end up blowing it all on some sort of mind-altering substance. My mom kicked me out of the house cause of the way i was living my life. My "friends" screwed me over and i'll admit that i screwed them over good too (which by the way i hope s water under the bridge...if not talk to me about it and i'll make whatever effort possible to squash it cause i don't believe in holding grudges). Pretty much my life turned to shit. I can't say that the same thing will happen to her or whoever else lives that way cause there a lot of people i know that were able to thrive and succeed that way. It was just some thing that we both talked about...and we did have similar reasons for wanting to quit. ugh...i want to intervene and tell her it's bad but i can't cause that would be wrong on my part to interfere with the decisions that she makes. I just want her to talk to me and show that she even somewhat cares about what i think about it...Carlotta i love you and want only want you to be happy. you were unhappy before so we changed our lives together. you're unhappy now but going back to the life that originally made you unhappy isn't going to fix it. I guarantee it. Whatever your decision may be, i can't do anything but respect it and i will always love you no matter what...i just don't know if i can be with someone that's living that way.
This week has been by far one of the most eventful i've had in quite a long long time. There was olive garden with Carlotta on the 26th...Sharp twins b-day on the 28th...My sister's b-day on the 29th...Halloween on the 31st...i guess i'll jsut go down the list cause i'm so organized like that
oct 26: Mine and Carlotta's 8 months. After so long of trying to find time for both of us to go out to eat as jsut the two of us, we were finally able to enjoy a night of pasta and us time. Happiness and love were felt in great heaping portions that night. yum yum =0)
oct 28: Sharp twins (Natalie and Lindsay) had a b-day party today at John's house. Fun and drinks were had and it was happy fun times. There was some drama but it's kinda hard to avoid it.
Oct 29: My sister, Candice's, b-day today. My older brother and sister came down from AZ and LA, respectively, for the occasion. It would've been the first time in more than year and a half that the four of us would be together again...but it didn't happen that way. They both were late and then i had to pick up my mom at LAX cause she was coming back from the Phillipines. Ugh.
oct 31: Hallloween party at john's house. holy crap the drunkenest night...EVER!!! It was like the third night in a row that i was there and the fun never ended. woot!
In the midst of all this my brother and i get to talking and he offers me a high paying job and a place to live. it sounds awesome and something i'd be all over...but it's in AZ. sigh...so much to think about...
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUcKFUcKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK god it feels great to suck at life...
aggravated
accomplished
hurt
distressed