Painkiller

Tomorrow my wife Kate leaves the USA to return to Belarus for medical reasons, I dunno if she'll be able to return. If not, I really want to have a child, I've wanted to have a child since 2015 or so and it just seems like its not going to happen. If Kate can't return, then that has to be my priority next to my career. 

I'm under legal investigations, I'm in school full time, I work full time, I worry that my next paycheck may be frozen. I have a lot going on and I'm trying my best to remain stoic, handle it one fire at a time, deal with the most immediate one and then filter down to the smaller ones. I seem to be handling it all well, and I don't know how. Maybe I've matured.

I don't know if I'm going to cry tomorrow. When Kate told me she was going to go back to visit and may not be able to return, I went to bed later that night and she was already awake and not in bed and the emptiness reminded me of the empty chair in Istanbul that hurt me so many years ago. To expand on the empty chair, when I went to go visit her in Istanbul, her flight was before mine so after she left I went to go enjoy some alone time and get a meal by myself, and the empty chair across from me where she would have sat just really got to me, I didn't realize I would miss her so much. 

I have no idea whats going on internally in my head, in my life, I just need to land on my feet and keep moving forward, keep improving. I am not piloting my life right now, I only have time to react. 

My wife will be leaving to go back to her country, and its due to her health. Things have been getting very noticeably worse with her, she is super thin, sleeps 2 hours a night, can't achieve a deep sleep, doesn't eat, and said her head lymphoma has spread to her jaw. Oh yeah, her teeth keep falling out. She is constantly on medication to help her sleep and it turns her brains to mush. Going back home to receive medical treatment is great and personally I wouldn't mind having some alone time, but I think this is going to be a one way trip because if she leaves right now while her immigration is in a legal gray area, she's not going to be allowed back in and we will have to start everything all over again. This would be impossible because she was need a visa to get in, and those are currently frozen indefinitely.

If this happens, I will do my best to sire a child, as best as I can. I will be sad, but this constant cycle of her being sick, unable to do anything, can't follow conversations, can't drive, can't work, this all has to change. By now we should have had our own house, her own car, but I honestly don't expect her to drive because her medication makes her unable to focus on the simplest of things. I don't think she was always like this, I think her health is changing and I want her to be healthy and alive, even if its without me. I understand. 

I keep thinking about Toni's tragic death, how avoidable it was, and looking up the timeline of events that unfolded and seeing just how far gone she went so quickly. She was only 22 years when I met her, and I'm sure she had been abusing alcohol even during the school years but being 21 years old would have allowed her to have much easier access to alcohol. 

I'm not sure why her death stands out to me, why did I feel I had a connection to her, or some importance. I didn't even talk to her for 6 months. I guess I was just curious what happened to her but dead at 30 was not something I would have expected. I just keep thinking that maybe when I knew her was when the breaking point was for her and entering a point of no return as far as addiction goes. She was incredibly young to have suffered such a serious addiction. 

I'm sad I never got to see the real her, sobriety would have looked wonderful on her, same as not staying young forever. 

I'm in my mid 40's now, I started this blog when I was 21, hence painkiller21. Earlier this year, back in February or March a girl who I used to be very interested in died of alcoholism, Nicole Burkhart. She struggled with alcoholism for 20 years and looked absolutely awful, unrecognizable from who she was when I first met her. After the death of her mom and endless struggle, she was hitting a lower rock bottom and then at the encouragement of her friends, she attempted to sober up and had a stroke and died, her body to be taken care of by her slow family member who couldn't have cared less. I hadn't talked to Nicole in a very long time because she blew me off repeatedly, she disappeared, and I wanted to move forward with my life. I'm sorry I'm not printing a pretty picture of her, I'm not here to bash here I'm just here to vent my thoughts because I doubt anyone will ever read my rants here, so consider my imperfect ramblings to be internal thoughts and not meant for public consumption. She wasn't a bad person, she was friendly, bubbly, and at some point had aspirations because she took I guess a few semesters at college. 

I keep going and I haven't much felt like it the past few days. Things are still going on the up and up but I'm getting in a funk and keeping Kate happy has been a real chore for a while. I joke to myself that I can handle raising a moody teenager but it has been like this for over a year straight. 

I'm getting very tired of it and tired of trying to cheer her up and keep up a front but at some point I might crack and just say I want more distance, I want a different relationship, etc etc. I'd rather work things out and I am NOT a cheater but I'm not sure that working things out will be an option. 

Also told my dad to fuck off again. Haven't talked to him in 4 months and I kinda don't care. His girlfriend kept telling him to call me and ridicule my life, she was in the background cheerleading him into asking rude questions so I hung up on them. I slept on it, decided I was tired of him letting every girlfriend of his just act like an absolute bitch to his kids, I'm tired of him ignoring us and generally being useless in every aspect so I threatened to bring his girlfriends family into this drama she was starting up. If you cause problems with me, I'll cause problems in your side. I didn't, but I think the message was clear that I can and will spread the drama out of control. He tried saying they care but if thats the case then why was I never invited to any of her family events? Because she doesn't care, and I know he doesn't care. I see through the lies and excuses. 

Four years ago, back in 2020, I yelled at my dad for seemingly not giving a shit about me or my brother and always prioritizing whatever random woman he was with. Remember that fact, it is important. He's older, so I can't keep the grudge up for long because I don't want to live with regrets or waste his last years with negativity between us, buy I definitely needed to say something. The catalyst for that incident was that I was talking to a girl for a few years, she nearly gets murdered and my dad didn't care one bit about me or what I was going through. Back in 2009 I myself survived a murder attempt, and he called me early in the morning by coincidence and I told him what I had just survived and he told me he didn't want to hear about it. Yeah, I know yelling at your aging father is bad but at the same time I don't think I had overreacted. 

Make no mistake, I am happy with my life. I am happily married to a woman who takes care of me, and cares about me, and that I love and care for. I am back in school, and I am long detached from the hell that was 2006 — 2010. Those 4 years were absolutely miserable. Everything went wrong, I starved every day all those years,  no prospects for an escape or a better future. 

Anyway, I worked hard by going to college, graduating, getting professional careers, working hard on my personal hobbies and goals.. and I feel fulfilled. Yet some days I would happy put a cold barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger if it would take me back to being a child where I can avoid the mistakes I made, treat my mother better,  direct us away from harm, lead us to prosperity.. This is a feeling I'm sure we all share to a degree. Maybe not the method, but I think most of us would wish we could've done more or appreciated people more. Ah well, as they say, youth is wasted on the young. 

I do have to remind myself though that were I transported back as some sort of super toddler with amazing insight, I would be so limited in how people treat me or things I am capable of doing, I would have to learn how to train my body for music and other athletics all over again. I didn't like being a child, I was so bored all the time it was unbearable so I know I am looking back with rose tinted glasses. 

My friend (at the time) gave me an invite code. I stopped being friends with her a long time ago because she just constantly shat out mental diarrhea on the internet, and just became really angry. Eventually she moved into the desert and then blamed the death of a mutual friend on all us Houston people, which was certainly not the case. 

This journal has seen me go through a lot and has become an actual journal at this point. I was turning 21 when I started this, and I am 42 now. I try to update when I have a thought and a moment, but I just don't post on the internet much because I just don't care. 

Anyway, happy anniversary to me, have a good day

My fiancee made it to the US, now we are dealing with immigration, wedding, and blah blah blah. It's pretty exhausting. I'm used to having no one depending on me, being unimportant wherever I go and being free/independent 24/7. It's been nice, and I've had some adjusting to do since now I have to make sacrifices, but these sacrifices are ones I should have done a long time ago such as drinking less, and less video game time. The benefits have been that I am eating better and healthier and having a much better balanced life. 

I want to be a better provider for her so for the first time in years I care about how much money I make so I've been getting certificates in Python and Ethical Hacking/Cybersecurity and have some promising job leads meaning I'll hopefully start making over $70k a year. 

I have a tour with my tribute band up to New England again, to Florida, California, Oregon, Washington.. Quit the big name band because I just don't have time for two bands anymore and it was also becoming apparent they wanted me to quit my tribute. I don't want to quit the tribute because it is fun. Sure, I no longer have a roadie and huge potential but.. I.. think I made the right decision. Their touring ability is crippled and appeal is limited. However.. no more big names. Ah well, I enjoy what I do and I mainly just want music to be fun again