Halp Me Dr. El Jay!

I went to the toilet this morning, and when I wiped there was blood on the toilet paper. I've looked at the internet and apparently this is a sign of miscarriage and vaginal lacerations, among other things. Should I be worried?

Dear Dr. Eljay,

I gained 3 kilograms today. I am also having lower abdominal cramps and my breasts are bigger and really sore.

Do I have cancer or is it something more serious?

O shit you guise, my snot is all black and gross. Teh google said it's blood or a fungal infection. DO I HAVE NOSE MUSHROOMS??

I haven't had sex with a man EVER, in my ENTIRE LIFE, but I keep having to pee every hour! Dr. LJ, SAVE ME. AM I PREGNANT OR NOT???

Oh, and it's been two days since my last period. AM I?????

Doctor I have two problems:

Okay first yesterday I ate an apple oddly I guess because now some of my teeth are all hot and cold sensitive. I googled hot and cold sensitivity and it's all like "so when you brake your teeth they become sensitive" but I think I would notice if my teeth were broken, right? What can I do to make them become normal again?

Second I slept on my shoulder funny yesterday and it still really hurts. What should I do to make it hurt less?

Serious and not serious answers of course welcome.

Dear Dr Eljay,

I have a bunch of little rashes or bites or something. They look a little bit like a mosquito bite, but more painful than itchy, and they have a small head (maybe 1mm dia) in the middle which releases clear fluid when it comes off.

As far as I know, I don't have any biting bugs in and around my house, but I could be wrong.

They've been developing over the last couple of days, I now have about 10 or 15 scattered around my torso & upper arms.

What's causing them? How do I treat them?

Oh, and if you tell me to go to a real doctor, well, I DON'T WANNA.

(x-posted from TQC)

Dear Dr LJ.

I had a hysterectomy in Nov 2006. Since then I have not had my period. Could I be pregnate?

4 weeks ago I bumped my shin making my bed, leaving me with a painful but small bruise.

Now, the bruise is all gone, but there's still a hard lump on my shin, which hurts.

I have bone cancer, y/y?

I've been sleepy and unfocused for a while now. I do have ADD. I swear it's the weather.
any clues?
Am I gonta die?

I think my rectum is infected after my recent alien probe. Or maybe I can has butt toomahh?

Is butthurt. Halp. Pleeze.