how can someone so young sing words so sad?

i just woke up from my first stressful waitressing dream. not a good feeling. fortunately though, it also featured rooftop gardens, late night adventures roaming the streets, best friends day, etc.

Me and my friends are like the drums on "Lust for Life”
We pound it out on floor toms
Our psalms are sing-along songs

And this whole town is like this
Been that way our whole lives
Just work at the mill until you die
Work at the mill, and then you die

We’re gonna build something, this summer
We’re gonna build something, this summer
We’ll put it back together- raise up a giant ladder
With love, and trust, and friends, and hammers (This summer!)
We’re gonna lean this ladder up against the water tower
Climb up to the top, and drink and talk (This summer!)

Me and my friends are like “Double-whiskey-coke-no-ice.”
We drink along in double time; might drink too much, but we feel fine
We’re gonna build something, this summer.
Gonna build something, this summer.

This summer, grant us all the power to drink on top of water towers,
With love, and trust, and shows, all summer (Get hammered!)
Let this be my annual reminder that we can all be something bigger

I went to your schools, I did my detention
But the walls are so gray, I couldn’t pay attention
I heard your gospel- it moved me to tears,
But I couldn’t find the hate, and I couldn’t find the fear
I met your Savior, I knelt at his feet,
And he took my ten bucks, and he went down the street
I tried to believe all the things that you said,
But my friends that aren’t dying are already dead.

Raise a toast to St. Joe Strummer
I think he might’ve been our only decent teacher
Getting older makes it harder to remember…we are our only saviors
We’re gonna build something, this summer

i don't know how my life just keeps getting more and more awesome, but i think the warm weather has a lot to do with it.

got sold at auction for a whopping $10 to my friend carley.

well, can't win 'em all i suppose. it's ten bucks for a charity!

last night i had my first round of insomnia in a long time.

i just finished reading "skinny legs and all", by tom robbins, and ever since i've been thinking about how i used to paint, and draw, and write constantly. how i used to be one of the "art kids", how i used to have a passion for taking paint to canvas. about how i haven't been able to paint in four years, and every time i try i just get pissed off. i can't remember. i can't find the inspiration. i can't find the time. and then i thought about how i used to write, poems, stories, screenplays. when's the last time i wrote anything that wasn't a recollection of a time and space in my own life? anything beyond a blog entry, a diary entry, an event in my own life.

is it because now i find fulfillment in my own existence and don't need to find fulfillment in an imaginary one? is it because i've lost myself in the (admittedly fun) details of what my life actually is, and have no need to create anything beyond it? is it because i'm not creative anymore? inspired anymore?

i miss creating. i miss when people would talk about a painting or drawing i'd done, or a story i'd written.

soon, i'm going to try and paint again. i'm not sure if i have it in me anymore, but i need to know.

+working on moving into the new place
-trying to sell my car
+went and saw "Ponyo" tonight, miyazaki's new film. totally adorable.
-broke as always
-need a bank account
-need to figure out alchemy--affordability, plausibility
+going to the virgin free fest on sunday with karolina. blink 182, weezer, the hold steady, jet, franz ferdinand, mates of state, girl talk, pete tong, taking back sunday. it's like the concert was made for alyssa, age 14-21. awesome.

another summer of non stop fun and perpetual broke-ness. it evens out i suppose though.

once, at summer camp, when i was maybe nine or ten, i thought i saw a fairy. i realize now that it was probably a hummingbird.

ugh. so not looking forward to work tomorrow. my normal shift was full, so i have to be there at 11 am instead of four.

i'm gonna be sore and bruised, and that's even assuming my ankle can handle it.

money is good though. i need money.

transformus is growing ever closer and i can barely contain my freaking excitement. i spent all day today making pasties and sewing together a black and red silk tiger print skirt. i'm making the top tomorrow. i'm working on getting everything packed, and i am so fucking pumped.

i just need to find a cheap digital camera or something to bring and i'm good.