different reality

My New Zen

I found a new zen. I have longed for years to have a consuming project. Something that is comprised of many little projects. I thought I would find it in a project car. But that never worked out. I found it today. In a ShopSmith 10ER SN 17758. I have zenned to refinishing furniture, and this started like that. I stripped the table. Sanded the table. Soaked the casters. Scrubbed the casters. Oiled the casters. Primed the table. I am refinishing, refurbishing, rebuilding, from the floor up.

different reality

Feeling It

Through the pandemic, I have been able to live in my quiet, happy, little world. I have enjoyed more time at home, household projects, organizing, more time for exercise, and many more things. I have enjoyed nonexpectatuon to go places, including inside stores or restaurants. Yes, I put off some medical stuff, but that was almost more for work than COVID restrictions. Yes, I've had to go without things that have been out of stock at various times or continuously. No, toilet paper wasn't one of them. We did have a scare, though. After learning that Ian and I were antibody positive, Mom was diagnosed with COVID. Along with her, Dad had symptoms. Shortly after, Sam was diagnosed. We all pulled through with tolerable or no residual symptoms. All in all, being in a pandemic has improved my life. Yet, I have not failed to appreciate the intensity of it all. I feel the pain, the heartbreak. I read the stories and feel like I live in a glass bubble.

different reality

Back

I'm back. What does that really mean? It means that I'm lost. It means that I need an outlet to compile my thoughts and create a path to follow. It finally occurred to me...well, I'm still trying to deny it. I still leave the out by starting with "maybe" or "I think." I think I have fallen in love with a man that is mentally incapable of providing me with the partner that I need and want. But he needs me. He needs me to be that friend that loves and nurtures him. That friend I know I can be. But to be that friend will be torture and lend itself to letting my guard down, thinking we can make this work...and then the cycle will begin, again. I don't just love him. I have never loved someone like I love him. Intimately, he's my perfect companion. But alas, the void is there. The gap between what he can provide and what I need. The gap that seems so small but is the size of the Grand Canyon. I think I might be ready for a therapist. But for now, this will be my therapy. I needed to tell someone. But it's almost 1 am. No one that I could tell seems to be awake.

different reality

(no subject)

I never used to understand stories about how people could become emotionally paralyzed after the loss of a child to the point of not being able to care for their other children appropriately. I understand now. I still take care of my children. Not as well as I should but I still let them know that I love them.

I haven't cried today. And I only cried three times yesterday morning. Bibi died. In his pictures, he looks so vibrant. His mother battled so hard and so long. I hope she will feel like she did everything.
I feel lost. But as if I'm walking in the right direction. I have detoured some which takes longer but I think I'll find where I'm supposed to be.
I have many solid friends. None are available all the time but many are available here and there and that works.

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    US, Virginia, Arlington, S Four Mile Run Dr, 4184
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different reality

(no subject)

I post here to release my thoughts that haunt me. I trust my friends here to be able to handle it. I assume others read so it's like getting it out but without the need to explain myself.
My period was 4 days late from its normal day of arrival. I did implants last year so pregnancy is unlikely but since I haven't been tested it might be possible. I was actually hopeful. Almost as if Beth was sending me a baby. I had already resolved myself that I wouldn't be able to give a new child all I gave the others because I can barely do what I need now. But then when it presented I was hopeful. Today, I was sad when my hope was taken away. I'm sure it's for the better. It doesn't matter anyway. But I'll tell Bob about it tomorrow.

Bob and I are struggling. We hit a really bad spot on the day of the service. It included police. Then 5 days later we found our way back to each other like we always do. We don't spend much time together as we wait to set up therapy. But the time we are together is very valuable.
Sleepy time...

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    US, Virginia, Spotsylvania, Green Arbor Dr, 174
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different reality

(no subject)

Every day I drive Katie to school, I see buses and think about Beth. I remember how she was excited to ride the bus and how sometimes she hated it. Last year, she lost so much weight that the bus ride hurt. She would cry the whole trip so we started driving her instead. She suffered and overcame so much.

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    US, Virginia, Stafford, I- 95
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different reality

(no subject)

I think I'm starting to understand my sister more now. I wander away to my room when I have people over socially and stay there. After a bit, I return to the group. My sister does this a lot.
I prefer to be in my room. I don't mind when people are here with me I just feel safer here.

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  • Current Location
    US, Virginia, Spotsylvania, Rutherford Dr, 11912
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different reality

(no subject)

So many people are aware that they really can't relate. What they don't know is that not only did I lose my child but it's my fault. No, it's not my fault that she had Pearson's. But it is my fault that I didn't take her to the hospital on Monday when she had a fever. And it is my fault that I went home Wednesday night when she was so lethargic instead of pointing it out to the doctors. And it is my fault when she was hooked to the bipap machine that I left her to suffer alone in her bed all night while I slept on the bench holding the pillow over my ears.
There are so many things that I did wrong that week and I can't fix them. I can't have a do over. I have lived too much of my life counting on do overs but there was no do over this time. She is gone and it is my fault. I'm pretty sure there is no grief counseling group for 'I lost my child and it's my fault'.
I long for her daily. And I wish for death.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

  • Current Location
    US, Virginia, Spotsylvania, Hoover Ln, 11899
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