I think I'm finally at a place where I can start this up again.
Still at the same job, same fabulous apartment with Mabbie. Had a short term girlfriend, that I should have learned more about. Elizabeth. That lasted about a month before I'd had enough. I made the decision after leaving Mark that I was done dating people that were not good for me, just so I wouldn't be alone. I was prepared to wait, as long as it took.
And I did wait, through a long winter....alone with Mab. Gathered my thoughts, spent time with my friends, lost another friend to cancer. Further estranged from my father after he told me he would not return the car he gave me once I could walk again until I had a conversation about my hellbound soul and sexuality and being molested. This wasn't conveyed by him, mind you. This was yelled at me by his new FOURTH wife, a zealot who refers to her gay son as being dead. Over the summer, they wanted me to go to an ex-gay programming camp out of state. I told her to tell my father until he wanted to have a relationship with me and accept me for who I was, I was dead to him.
I focused on my job. I didn't lose hope that she was out there. I was just preparing myself to love MYSELF before I could ever even try that again. I knew what I wanted, what I would not tolerate.
I got closer to my Mother. I mourned my Aunt. I watched a lot of movies. I applied for a local form of health insurance that would not only help me be able to actually legally get insulin and diabetic supplies, but would come to my house and help me figure out ways to lose weight and get my diabetes better under control being in a job that doesn't allow me to get out that much. I was approved. I saw a primary care physician for the first time in six years. He's running a gamut of tests on me, that have been long overdue. My partner was there for all of this.
Yes, I said it. My partner.
I met her a few years ago. At the tail end of Mark, when I knew I was ready to leave...but didn't know where to leap. We talked, I sensed something right away. Mark even knew I was talking to other people. By then, he didn't care about anything I did. With anyone. He had totally checked out in every way.
Her name floated in my head for years, along with her in that picture....wearing a tie and a fedora. When we started talking again, she was surprised I remembered her so clearly. I said, "I rarely forget an attractive butch woman in a tie and a fedora."
She wanted to meet again right away. I was very scared. I knew this was going to be big. I debated on if I was ready, if I had allowed enough time to pass since Mark, and my violent rebound with the very violent Kim. Going through the year of Frankenleg, being homeless, losing my Aunt to cancer, being forced to live with the person who molested me and being daily verbally and emotionally abused, literally being broken down little by little every single day until I questioned EVERY facet of my personality....was I ready to be vulnerable again?
I decided it would be unfair not to try. This woman was so honest, so encouraging, so...passionate.
These last few weeks have felt like falling. Like floating on your back in a warm sea of love, but feeling that hand on your lower back, supporting you the entire time.
The minute I saw that smile, I knew I was a goner. "They gave each other a smile with a future in it." That's what it felt like. It felt like coming home. It felt like, "Oh, there you are."
Everyone is trepedacious, wary. And scared for me. And then they meet her. My mother. My Aunt and Uncle, my tight knit group of friends. My boss, my co-workers. Jacquie and Liz...the lesbian couple and my very close friend of 20 years...they took me in when I was homeless. Everyone that meets her....that wariness is gone. They can sense what I could, just in that smile.
Since she's been here, my blood sugar has gone from wildly out of control to under 150 almost every single day. My sleeping patterns, while not ideal yet, have improved. Mab has even stopped overgrooming.
I know I'm in the stage of falling in love where I'm not seeing faults, love is blind and all that jazz. I do see them, but really? One of my strong suits is being observant and having a great intuition and unless she's a sociopath, I can't find anything that is problematic whatsoever. She's a geek to the core (hot) and sometimes she either gets so focused on something it's hard to break her away (when I'm stretching on the bed like a cat practically trying to hit her with a two by four to get her attention) or she's easily distracted. She has moments of extreme passion and being romantic and intense, and then it wanes. I don't see that as a fault, I see that as a person who DOESN'T have Borderline Personality just being themselves.
Some of the tv shows she watches make me want to smother myself. That's pretty much it.
That being said, I would follow her until I had no breath. I would crawl on hands and knees, I would chase her in my dreams, I would marry her tomorrow if that were an option. And yes, we have discussed it. And yes, I'm wearing a ring. Not THAT kind of ring, but a ring.
Please let me chase my happiness. With open eyes, a healing and strong heart, and supportive arms around me from all the people who truly want me to to be happy.
This is my future. This is Teri.
Recognize the pillowcase?
The ring.
More pictures to come, as we are getting professional ones taken. Much more journaling to come, as I finally have access to internet that isn't on a cell phone. I have missed this so much, and missed all of you. I hope you will be as happy to have me back as I am to have you back.
hopeful
chipper